Teddy has been to a lot of places for a stuffed bear. Grand Rapids. Toronto. San Francisco. Washington DC. Grand Rapids. Detroit. Grand Rapids. East coast.
And now back to Michigan.
TheBassist and I are on a pause.
I’m not sure how long of a pause – could be six months, could be six years. I’m currently in the wilds of the Poconos right now, holed up in a hotel cut into a mountain with a giant unidentifiable stain on the bedspread and in a smoking room. A sugar free RedBull is opened in one of the drink holders in Jeeves and I could queue up the manic to push through the 13 hour drive but I am not in my 20s and at times I can be a bit smart on how to handle things. Thus, with the weather turning from drizzle to sleet, I pulled over for the night. My alarm goes off at 6AM and I hope to be on the road by 7, in Michigan by the end of the Thursday afternoon.
Last night I received word about the #teamharpy case and we’re allegedly going to trial in the spring. Between that, the cock-up my divorce is becoming (not at the fault of J.), joblessness and looking for a job, added with stress of moving, hemorrhaging money like mad, I was crumbling worse in the last month than the last six months I was in Grand Rapids.
It is not that I don’t love TheBassist. It is not because I don’t want to be with him. It is not that he did anything wrong or his family or friends wasn’t amazing to me while I was there. It is none of these things.
I am being chased by some very large demons, some whom would probably decimate most humans. My sword is only so sharp, my shield is only so penetrable. I had to choose which battles I could could fight to win the war.
I took a big risk. I am proud of myself for taking that risk.
Some of you may not agree with me, but you are not me. The biggest thing I learned during this whole endeavor was, simply put, that I am human. I waffle. I fail. I succeed. I fight. I retract.
Letting me be human was the biggest gift TheBassist could give me.
For most of my conscious adult life, I’ve been very contentious of what the world thought and attempting to correct any short givings I perceived myself to have, to not follow the same paths I came from, that somewhere along the way, I projected myself as being a super woman.
I am not super woman. This has been a very hard lesson to not only learn, but to actually know. I can only do so much before it takes it toll. This is why I saw a medicating therapist last week; this is why I went back on the drugs. This is why I’ll continue taking the drugs, continue seeking therapy. Where I’ll put self-care as a top priority rather than something to deal with later. I’ve been trying to work on this for a long time.
This decision hurt a lot of people, not only myself or TheBassist. I get that. I accept that. Many of you will be angry at me or frustrated. But know this: I did not shift my life 1000 miles on a whim. TheBassist is one of two loves of my life. But the foundations I need in my life in order to have a life with him does not exist. He told me in the very beginning that if our houses were not in order before we came together, our relationship would suffer. He was right. He also understands this.
I did not leave because I don’t love him. Know this. Trust this.
So I head back to Michigan and I formulate another plan. I let the dust settle and come out stronger than ever.
In the interim, once this posts to my Facebook wall, I’ll be deactivating my Facebook account on Friday. I’m also deleting my Instagram account for all those photos of us together would be too painful to see. I am keeping my Twitter account as my primary methods of communication, though I have reigned it in. If you’re a friend of mine and you FB BFF TheBassist, you do not have to unfriend him. And vice versa if you’re a friend of his to me. We’re not asking people to take sides. We ARE asking people to be respectful while we grieve and to remember there is always more to the story than what meets the eye.
Our story is not yet done.
Darkest night, brightest days.