I woke this morning with Not So Great Thoughts, which have been intensely plaguing me for the last few days. This morning, however, they seemed much more intense and even scarier than what I’ve become accustomed to. On the days it is harder than usual, I try to remember it will get better at some point. I fight to breathe for those days when things became clear and I don’t feel like I’m swimming underwater.
So, then, I will force myself to get up and put together a regime. I got out of bed and immediately took a shower before I even consumed my first cup of coffee. After TheHusband and TheDog woke and did their morning constitutionals (not together!), TheHusband came down with me to the kitchen where we baked for numerous hours. Golden Yellow cake (for trifle), lemon squares, banana bread, and corn bread (for the stuffing) were made. As the baking began to wind down, TheHusband heated up last night’s dinner for our mid-afternoon lunch and we planned for the rest of our week. My mother-in-law is coming for a week between christmas and new year, so the house needs to be cleansed, food for our holiday and regular meals needs to be prepped or bought, things need to be done that I cannot keep putting off.
At some point, I randomly started crying between pulling out one item from the oven to the other. “The crazy?,” TheHusband asked. I nodded. He said, “Do what you need to do.” And I just held tight to him in the middle of the kitchen while the crying subsided.
Much of my mental exhaustion comes from the sheer pull of energy to have something that resembles a normal day where just doing things is not some herculean effort. I keep trying, desperately, to not let this thing run my life but it is incredibly hard not to let myself just slip under and let it all just flow away.
On December 23, 1996, my grandfather passed away. It is his death, and then later my father’s, that shaped much of my life in unexpected ways. This is why the month of December is always hard to struggle through because whatever terrible thing befalls me it always happens here. Once I’m on the other side of January 1, things become slightly easier.
Yesterday was the solstice and we did not celebrate but I’m thinking that maybe next year we should. Start traditions, which I’ve been badgering TheHusband about for years now, create something for us. Make our own legacy. Because after the solstice has passed, the days I know are getting longer. I watch the times on the sunrise and sunset drift farther apart. The Earth has started its rotation to spring and Mother Nature will soon swap her snow shoes for muck boots then into sandals.
And so it goes on.