So Long, and Thanks for all the Pizza Crust (Part I)

So Long, and Thanks for all the Pizza Crust (Part I)

Wednesday the pug was born to a poor Spartan family on July 19th, 510 BCE. Her father, Pugtroclus, was a popcorn vendor. Her mother, Cleocharia, was a river nymph. It wasn’t a pleasant childhood as Wednesday’s parents had a strained relationship. She famously spoke of this in a 1977 interview on Parkinson for the BBC:

These leather shorts are chafing my taint.
These leather shorts are chafing my taint.

“My parents always fought about money.  Dad would say, ‘I dragged my popcorn cart all the way to Olympia and back.  I work my ass off to put food on the table.  When I get home, I just see you splashing about in the creek.  There isn’t even a cold meal waiting for me.’

“Mom would reply, ‘I’m a goddamned river nymph!  What does a river nymph do?  A river nymph frolics!  I’m sorry that my chosen profession isn’t economically viable; but you knew this from the start.  You sure didn’t seem to mind all the frolicking we did when you were younger.’”

Wednesday demonstrated an aptitude for battle from an early age which is a good talent for a young Spartan.  She fought at Thermopylae with Leonidas and they had a close relationship.  Many a night at the pub were spent bantering about the latest play or music.  The 2007 biopic Leo and Me, for which Wednesday won a Golden Globe for Best Original Screenplay, highlights one of these exchanges:

“ABBA!”  Wednesday cried incredulously. “Leo, come on! You have got to be kidding me.  They are terrible.“  Leonidas replied  “I fucking love ABBA, I don’t care what you say.  It’s a good thing the Swedes aren’t marching towards our gates.  I’d let them pillage Sparta for backstage passes.”

After Leonidas fell, Wednesday lost her desire for combat.  She decided to wander the world, seeking more peaceful endeavors.  Eventually, she settled in Galilee.

500 years of travel left Wednesday with an empty coin purse, she noted that “artisanal” sangria was all the rage.  Naturally, cashing in on this fad by launching an exclusive line of “artisanal” sangria goblets would replenish her coffers.  Market research showed that anything labeled “artisanal” instantly became more desirable if it was made of wood.

Wednesday quickly signed up for carpentry classes at the local community college.  The course was taught by a sweet, patient man named Joseph.  There were constant interruptions by his wife, Mary.  She had some facial ticks and would randomly repeat certain phrases like “King of the yews” (A pet name for her husband)  and “Virgin birth”.  Eventually, Wednesday got handy with the lathe and turned her first prototype.

Sangria anyone?
Sangria anyone?

Joseph suggested that Wednesday take pre-orders for her goblets.  Renting a stall outside the temple in Jerusalem would offer the most exposure for the product.  Wednesday made her way to the big city with Mary (on a sangria run) and her goblet in tow.  Unfortunately, there was some sort of scheduling mix up.  Wednesday’s stall was occupied by some local money lenders.  Wednesday showed them her receipt for the stall and asked that they vacate the area.  The money lenders also had a receipt for the same stall and the dispute soon became heated.  Mary soon, became agitated by the argument and starting yelling “King of the yews, King of the yews”.  The money lenders heard something seditious and reported Wednesday to the authorities.

Shortly after, Wednesday was arrested and sentenced to death by crucifixion.  Luckily for Wednesday, her half river nymph heritage allowed her to hold her breath for hours on end.  Nullifying the normal suffocating effects of her sentence.  This is boring business, so, after a few hours, Wednesday took a nap.  The authorities mistook this for death and Wednesday was able to escape her shallow grave.  Regrettably, the artisanal sangria goblet was lost in the melee at the temple and was never seen again.

Next chapter: Wednesday travels to Scandinavia, rules England, and writes her best seller, Pug and Pugability.

This day in Lisa-Universe: 2011

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