This first appeared in F.U.C.K. as volume 0394
it never ends. the calm inside of me. the depth of reaching, of growing.
of stretching out and feeling free. of being new.
It is now nearly 4:30a. I have listened to _fumbling towards ecstasy_ three times, and have such a gamut of emotions, that even I can barely contend with it. Memories have flooded my senses, thoughts and ideals that i sometimes bury so deeply that i can’t find them, even when i try. the needs/wants of relationships, the possibilities of love, reaching out, clutching hard, never wanting to be let go, watching your lover walk away from you. the depression, the hurt, the anger, the pain. the asking of ‘why why why’, and not ever knowing the answer. wanting to dive deep to the depths of some mystical world and never surfacing. kicking back and listening to the same CD over and over, searching for answers to questions you can have always been afraid to ask. feeling your own humanity at stake, and running the gamut of emotions, watching memories in your mind’s eye like film clips, painting pictures. wanting to feel consumed in fires of emotions. the connects and disconnects. the disappointments, the rage and hate. feeling afraid and alone, celebrating anniversaries alone, and knowing (if i leave you know, you know i won’t love you any less) that the maybe’s ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’ were nothing but words inserted for your own fear. pushing back against the norm to register who and what you are. claiming individuality for individualaties sake. to be free of constraints and of ideals. to just BE! to just continuing finding something and seeing it in front of you and knowing that maybe.. possibilities seem endless of the discourse of human interaction. to take that wild plunge for the sake of being and doing. to never be afraid to wonder or to learn. to want to push the limits to never ending possibilities and to just thank god your alive. you breathe, you hope and you fear, but you will never be alone. ever. you stretch out in your images and just fondle your dreams like precious coins, sometimes feeling like your holding back, and wondering why you can’t be like everyone else, and hoping against hope, that isn’t something wrong with you, but loving your madness. and being in love. being possessed by that overwhelming passion, that seemingly once in a lifetime occurance, only to be disappointed by conflicts and stupid crap. drinking alone, getting high, tripping on acid. looking for god. looking to move to that mountain top to find your answers. to push away the human boundaries because of the pain. sweet glorious pain that shapes our ideals and makes you contemplate between life and death, and you just don’t know! you
can you really say its okay?
can you really nod and think its fine? how many times can you write down your feelings without them becoming monotonous and over analyzed. why can’t we just ‘be’ for the sake of living and why can’t we just ‘do’ for the sake of ‘doing’? i really wanted to try..and somehow that never seemed good enough for you, for me, for anyone anymore i am waiting to break free. to run against the waves, to fly towards the sun, as high as I can nd never turn around. to grasp, kiss, fondle, caress all those around me and show them what life is about. to gather
together and celebrate being alive.
i want to understand.
i didn’t want to forget.
i didn’t want to reconcile the probabilities and the notions.
i didn’t want to push you away when i did. i didn’t want to hold back from fear. i didn’t want to lose you when i needed you and i didn’t want to forget what it was all about. i didn’t want to scream in rage or pound my head against a wall or forget about being alive. i didn’t want to lie to you, cheat on you or lose your faith. i wanted you to understand why i do what i do, and to believe that. i wanted to be your female counterpart to succumb to your advances, to submit to you and dominate you. i wanted to play games with you and just drive you insane with being coy and then walk away with job well done. i wanted to arch my back in pleasure in the tenderness of moments and feel your cock buried deep in me. i wanted to close my eyes and feel you around me no matter where i was. i didn’t want it to be like this.i don’t like it being like this. i wanted to ask you answers to my questions, and
why would it be so hard for you to take my heart. you’ve ripped it into a 1000 pieces, like glass shards, and now it lays, exposed, waiting for someone to pick it up, and i asked you, begged you so long ago to understand me, to understand the inner turmoil between the selves, the ego’s and yes, even the multiple personalities. i begged you to come to me. i remained strong for strength sake, and to not burden you with any emotional trivialties.
and a depth inside of me, which couldn’t be reached.
which couldn’t be found.
which couldn’t be completed. you called me a liar. as if loving many people was a sin. DON’T IMPOSE YOUR JUDGEMENT ON ME. i loved each and everyone that i said i loved as completely as possible, and it didn’t work out. and i walked away learning something, giving even more to the next lover. giving them which the previous ones denied me before. you kill a part of me with your words, you sneer at my attempts of finding hope and of faith and you keep killing a part of me. you didn’t believe me when i said i loved you. don’t pass judgement on me. i know what i said and i said what i meant. just because YOU won’t believe makes my faith any less of a reality.
how many times, misses and attempts will it take to reconcile this craziness burning deep inside of me. how many times do i have to sit and mull over problems and curious to find the answers, and you just keep
pushing me towards finding no better answers or not even listening to what i say. i begged, i humbled my self, i pushed YOU away. i played your game. i fought and tortured myself and agonized over such TRIVIAL THINGS.
this constant torture of being pulled a 1000x different directions and never sure which direction is going in. and never sure then what side of.and crying. holding back the tears, not wanting to show you the more “weak” side, because that is BLASPHEMOUS to
lies and sweat and sex and cigarette smoke curling around my fingertips
hearing the subway running
pushing it all back deep inside, swallowing it whole
i never asked for this, i never wanted this.
all i wanted was to be happy. not sitting up at nearly 5am yawning and
listening for hidden messages in cd’s. staring at pictures of myself,
getting ready to ship to friends.
DO YOU FEEL?
does the pain and emotion flood you when your alone. nothing keeping you together but memories of past relationships and tender moments? do you
recognize your strengths and weaknesses inside you? or are you truly a
i don’t believe in that.
i saw the importance. i saw what i could do to you. i saw myself making
and if you tell me it was all for nothing.
I WILL KNOW YOU LIE.
even to yourself.
I wouldn’t have told you i loved you. you wouldn’t have come for me if you
didn’t feel the depth.
don’t condemn me
i can’t do this alone.
will i be relentless now that i can’t have you?
silence fills the air.
i look for you everywhere i go
and i can’t find you
WHY WHY WHY
no playing with fire. i warned you. you will get burned.
and now its too late for to
the truth enslaved in emotions as we keep playing these mind fuck games
make me whole
in this space
i have gone to far to go back
i keep reaching for you
in my mind
with my body
that was heaven that was to me
i keep believing
silence of the night
glaring lights around me
and i can’t shake this
not now..not yet..
old passions stirring old feelings re-aquainting each other
silence is so peaceful
breakdown of minds
i believe in you
i have faith
just don’t let me go
its not time yet…
Simunye Design: New Innovations for a new world
Into the sea of waking dreams, I follow without pride
Nothing stands between us here & I won’t be denied
-“Possession” Sarah McLachlan
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