self pity

This first appeared in F.U.C.K. as volume 0407

i am getting annoyed. i am getting sick and tired of all these people who are wallowing in their pain. i am sick of tired of all these people who wear their depression as a badge of honor. “Ohh look at me, give meĀ attention”.
right now as we speak, i am talking to a total stranger i have never spoken to on IRC about his upcoming suicide. he smiled when he told me about it: “oh by the year’s end, i will be dead and i won’t care”.
its like a pissing contest. its like, “oh, i have been hurt by this and that and then some, i can’t deal with life!”.
it’s so fucking trendy now.
fuck you.
fuck you for giving up on everything. fuck you for saying i don’t understand. fuck you for telling me what i feel is any different. what the fuck is so hard about changing your life?
i see these people as gutless. as failures.
being cruel am i?
mayhap so.
when i was 17 i was so fucking depressed i cried for weeks. the ‘man’ i loved, who i gave my virginity to, fucked me over for a 14 year old whore. my friends were flaking out. i hated my parents. i was failing high
school. i would never get into college. i felt like a freak. i felt like a failure.
so i decided to end it.
i told no one.
i didn’t write a note.
i just grabbed all my mothers antidepressants and took them all.
i remember sliding down off the bed, in a half delirium wanting to scream,
and i couldn’t. i was so drugged my mouth wouldn’t open. i washed in and
out of consciousness, i struggled to right myself and kept sliding down
one of my girlfriends found me. called the paramedics.
they fed me greasy hamburger, and i threw up everything. because i was
underage, they called my mother.
she came home.
after everyone left, i had gone outside for a cigarette. i came back to find the door locked to our apartment. i knocked. my other open up and started yelling at me. “Next time you try to commit suicide, use knives instead of my pills”.
yes, my mother said that to her own daughter.
two or three of my friends were standing behind me when she said this.
was i that bad of a child?
no, i wasn’t.
its been so since i have told that story. been so long since i have talked about. tears are brimming at the edge now, wanting to spring free.
i have been doing too much crying these days as of late. sometimes i don’t know what is wrong with me. i try to cry softly, not let anyone hear. one of my roommates heard me the other night. i felt ashamed.
and over the years, there have been times where i have been in so much emotional pain, so much hurt. i remember sitting on the top of the stairs in my parents house, rocking back and forth crying. earlier this year, danny and i had gotten into a huge fight, and i had called and called, and he wouldn’t answer his door. i drove blindly down the same streets i have driven down 1000’s of times, and didn’t know where i was. i landed at his door, crying so hard, i nearly collapsed on the floor in front of his apartment.
and i won’t say fuck you.
i won’t know the pleasure of a knife’s blade cutting my skin or the taste
of many pills down my constricted throat. i won’t know.
i won’t give up
i won’t let anything get me down. i won’t let anyone, anymore tell me what a fucking failure i am because I won’t follow their fucking lifestyle. i won’t let myself be abused, i won’t let myself be mind fucked.
“i contain multitudes”- Walt Whitman
I am a person who feels, thinks, dreams, shits, farts, snores, gets horny, works, sleeps. I will no longer will i accept what someone’s perception of me is. I will no longer be allowed to fall into that trap.
so fuck you for telling me your life is too hard. fuck you for telling me i don’t know shit. fuck you for telling me that your pain is too great. fuck you for giving it up all and fuck you for being weak.
because i WILL NOT, no matter how great the temptation, no matter how great the slide down is, no matter how much it is ending, will i give ANYONE the satisfaction, my parents, my friends, anyone! the chance to
see my final failure.
each day is a struggle. each day is a heartache. to get out of bed. to get dressed. to catch the subway to work. to constantly feel paranoid, to constantly feel alone and afraid, and i will not put myself through that anymore.
my strength is my greatest asset. my strength is what makes me ‘me’. my strength is what makes me understand the world so much better and makes me live my life and do the things i have yet to do.
i will not give up my life.
not for any man, not for any person, not for my parents. i will reconstruct myself till i am happy with me. I am all that matters, my opinions, my dreams, my goals. i will not sacrifice them anymore because YOU don’t like it.
and when (and oh i shall) succeed, that will be the biggest FUCK YOU the world has ever seen.
so don’t come to me with your badge of pain. carrying it around like it was your biggest asset. because its nothing but a ploy. you have got the life and you have the opportunity, SEIZE THE DAY! Carpe Diem!
what the fuck is stopping you? What the fuck is stopping you from putting down your foot and going “I CAN CHANGE MY LIFE TO SUITE ME”.
the only thing to fear is fear itself -obligatory cliche.
I want to get married and never get divorced
i want to have kids.
i want a little girl with hair and eyes as dark as mine.
i want to travel to Europe and frolic around.
i want to follow the paths of the Templars.
i want to climb the pyramids and look out across the Egyptian desert.
i want to finish writing my books.
i want to paint my dreams.
i want to frolic in the Caribbean
i want to sail around the world
i want to own my own business.
i want to go back to college.
i want to live in new york/Boston/Atlanta
i want to dance when the sun rises up
i want to love my husband till my dying day
i want to plant flowers and watch them glow
i want to greet each new day as wondrous as it is
i want to look at my husband after 50 years of marriage and love him just
as much as i did when i married him.
i want to see my grandkids.
i want to to be made love everywhere.
i want to keep dreaming.
i want to go sailing for weeks on end.
i want to hike to secluded areas and camp for weeks.
i want to be read to and read to someone.
i want to watch my own children get married and have kids of their own.
i want to network computers together and run from home.
i want to snuggle up against my mate as the fires are burning low.
i want to fall in love, really fall in love.
i want to build my own telescope and watch the stars.
i want to fucking live life and i want to just fucking be!
so don’t tell me I don’t understand you selfish fuck. because i understand more than you will ever know.
– simunye