While the cats away…

This first appeared in F.U.C.K. as volume 0319

My boyfriend has an interesting job, to say the least. For roughly 20 days out of the month, he’s off flying somewhere. I knew this when I got involved, in fact I pushed him to keep working like this. Having him home all the time would drive me nuts. I need my space. He got upset one night when we were coming home from being gone all day in San Francisco. I wanted to go for a walk, he didn’t. He threw that “You don’t love me!” saying it with a grin. He wants to spend all of his time with me. Nothing wrong with that, BUT, somehow I couldn’t make him see that I had my own identity.

How we met is interesting, to say the least. I was getting flamed hot and heavy on a list because I more or less am pretty opinionated and I don’t -really- care what people think of me. I was pissed, people were being idiots. He flamed me and I flamed back. He emailed me privately, and the next thing I know we shifted out 500k worth of email within two days.

He pissed me off, to say the least. I knew about his girlfriend. He told me the story. I don’t know why to this day why he chose to confide so much to a stranger (ie me). He said that he trusted me, and I wasn’t afraid of who he was. He could fuck up my world and it didn’t bother me one bit.

He also knew  about my ‘boyfriend’ (nice way of saying my fucktoy). He would taunt me, saying “You use him!”. I would reply back in kind “Your girlfriend uses you! That is like the pot calling the kettle black!”. He got mad. We argued. We were ‘nothing’ to each other. Two strangers who were emailing each other in the middle of the night. And the night turned into days, and the days turned into weeks.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I was becoming too dangerously close to him. I could see my heart being broken when later on he could very rightly say “thanks for the trip!”. Fuck email/irc relationships. I knew that many people had success with them. I did not. I need someone here. With me.

No word from Mr Prick (my nickname for him) in days. I wonder whats going on. I break it on down and send him email. No word. Fuck’em and feed’em fish heads. No rice. No beans.

I pop my email a few nights later. Mr Prick has sent me numerous letters from another account. “You don’t love me anymore!” he pouts. I sigh heavily. Men are such children. He already has a girlfriend, what does he want with me? I jump on the irc server that we use. He starts being even more of a prick. I keep telling him to fuck off. He gets mad. I say look, and tell him how I feel about us being ‘friends’. Being so honest it almost hurts. He asks to be excused and comes back and breaks it on down for me. He is interested in me…I became paranoid…I don’t trust people.

Suddenly he wants to see me, not later, but NOW! He threw out dates he was going to be ‘close’ in geography to me..I ponder about such things. “What about your girlfriend?” I ask most innocently. “I will tell her after we have met”. Uh huh..sure…I can see where this is going..I hold back, he pushes more, suddenly I am ‘something’ to him.

I don’t want anyone to know we are even friends. It’s a ruthless world out there, makes me nervous. I don’t know all these people that claim to be my “friend”. It’s too loosely used word, “friend”, like saying “I love you”. I hate that. People say “I love you” akin to saying “Pass the sodium free salt”. Bullshit, plain bullshit.

Next thing I know, he is pulling out all stops to ship me 2300 miles to San Francisco. I get on said jet. I fly, I meet him at the airport. He’s cute, physically not my type..but we have ‘something’ other then just physical attractiveness. We board the shuttle to go to his place..I go down on him..he freaks..my my my..I really do come through now don’t I?

Now its a week and a half later. I am -living- with him, literally. My stuff is being shipped across the US as we speak. Unfortunately for UPS, they lost all of my lifes belongings (valued at 10,000 American Dollars..majority of it computer equipment..isn’t it how sickening how we have to value everything to the dollar?). I ask for two simple things: 1. tracking numbers for all 10 boxes and 2. A receipt so that I can be reimbursed by my employer. I call my ‘fucktoy’ (whom I convinced to stay with my stuff). Houston, we have a problem. I call UPS, big fuck up. I wasn’t listed on the manifesto in Grand Rapids to be picked up. Only through bitching was my fucktoy able to get them to pick it up. They didn’t give him a receipt or tracking numbers. Wonderful. I call UPS, a nice man sorted everything out. “We will call you back within the hour”. I wait. My phone lines were just installed. I wait some more. No call back. I call back and get a stupid ass moron named Hayward Green. He asks me for my zip code. I ask him, three times, “Do you need sending or receiving zip codes?” He says “You called earlier, you know which one.” We start arguing. I can’t get him to tell me “which” zip codes he needs. I become frustrated. A frustrated simunye is not a happy simunye.

I ask to speak to the supervisor. “She’s out to lunch” came the reply. Uh huh, I know there is more than one supervisor. I prove myself correct when he goes “I will have my manager take a look at this”. I pipe in “I thought she was out to lunch?” “She is”, came the reply, “this is a different one.” Uh huh, sure. I yell and scream. Sure Ms. Rabey, we will give you a call back within the hour, utmost urgency.

Its now three hours later, and still no call back. I call my fucktoy again. (Or at this point, should I say, ex fucktoy) and he tells me UPS has been calling him. Great. He’s got the receipt, but no tracking numbers. I get angry. I get really angry. I am debating on whether or not I should call UPS, depending on how high my blood pressure is at this point.

Back to the task at hand. My bf is out of town. I get nosy and prowl through his machine. I wonder if I am breaking any trust laws here 😉 I found out that I am not. hehehe..Nothing interesting, in fact, he wiped it clean before I moved. Last night I hung out with our housemates. The female spilled the beans on him. *laugh* She likes me, and everything I *felt* about him was confirmed through her. I wonder if men really know how silly they actually are… 😉

And this rant is more or less a cornucopia on whats going on in my mind during the day. Nothing is coherent or even really related, except for very indirect ideas. But can you imagine if life was really that simple?

Sometimes the fact that I just upped and moved 2300 miles without a care in the world frightens me. I wonder if I really am that careless. I wonder about responsibilities. In June I will be 25, and that scares me. Said bf keeps telling me that it’s all down hill from here on in. I take away his sparkle fun toothpaste (which I bought no less!) and tell him to bite me.

I don’t want to grow old and I surely don’t want to be old.

And said bf is also pushing 30, which he will be next year. It’s funny how childlike we are. He loves his ‘wowwies’ and it is nothing for me to buy bags of them to shut him up when he’s being grouchy. He acts like a little ‘puppy’ and for all his bravado, and all his talk, I wonder WHAT his friends would think if they knew he was really like this..a big giant teddy bear 😉

I laugh when I think about the dangerous game I am playing. I’ve stolen his heart haven’t I? And now what do I intend to do with it?

Well boys and girls, that would require a lifetime of thinking.

-simunye
5-13-97