forgot myself again

Another piece that was never published until now.

January 4, 2006
forgot myself again
Filed under: thoughts lmr @ 2:34 pm

On December 31, 2005, I ODed.

These are the facts, as I know them to be as I have repeated to several others. I do not know the truths of the situation, because the truths are conflicting and everyone seems to have a differing view of what happened.

I woke up on the morning of the 31st and took my usual dose of Klonopin (.5 mg), my birth control pill and various vitamin supplements that I have been taking for months. I went to work, I had lunch around 2pm and left work around 6:30pm. Several girlfriends met me at my house, where we opened up a bottle of wine while we got dressed for the NYE party we were all attending. I had a light dinner with my wine, and had at most 1.5 glasses. Before leaving the house, I popped a 1 mg pill of Klonopin, as I had been feeling anxious for most of the day. We arrived at the party between 9:30 and 10pm.

I immediately made myself a drink (vodka and cranberry juice). I remember talking to people, making a general ass out of myself and telling various people who were leaving good-bye. At some point, I may or may not have eaten a pot brownie. I’ve been told I ate 1, 2 or 3 brownies. I vaguely remember reaching into the pan but whether or not I actually ate said brownie(s), is still a mystery.

I woke up at 5am at St. Mary’s Hospital Emergency Room, naked with electrodes on my chest and lower abdomen and an IV drip hooked up to my right hand. I vaguely remember other details but they seem to be covered in Vaseline. When I have asked others what have happened, save for a few that I knew would not lie to me, the results of the night conflict. So I still not know.

It has been suggested to me by several who were not there, when I tell them the facts, that someone may have maliciously drugged me. That I need to find out the truth, I but even those who were sober enough to remember my actions or my intake of alcohol and drugs have discredit this as being impossible. I had consumed too much alcohol, took the Klonopin when sober and it was probably the combination of these two plus the in-taking of pot brownies that set me off.

But the truth is, I feel too humiliated, embarrassed and downright humbled about the whole thing. I have a hard time looking at the mirror and wondering, how could I have let myself get to the point that I was so obviously lost control.

For that I do not have an answer. But as I glibly told one of my best friends, after ODing on NYE, there really is no where else to go but up for the rest of the year.