|January 1997||New year started off with a huge fight held between Danny and I. I resorted to moving out shortly after the first of the year, back to my parents house, which I had assumed, would give me some relief. It had not. I was also experiencing problems at work. During the month of January, Michigan had been hit (primarily in the SW side of the state, where I lived) with some of the worse snow storms in memory. I had lost several days of work with Net-Link, due to this. This absenteeism put me on probation for a 6 month period. I also went clubbing with Sherry for the first time in ages, which was fun. I had also gained a lot of weight, and was making me totally miserable.Michael and I were still speaking to each other, and I was hoping to reconcile our relationship. It wasn’t working.
I also attempt to date people other than danny locally. Which doesn’t seemingly seem to work. The relationships fail after a few dates
Later in the month, I meet Jeff, via IRC, which transpired to change my view on relationships. Someone like me really exists?
|February 1997||Jeff and I’s relationship by this point was petering out. While we had been totally intuned with each other for several weeks, we are both drawing away. Since we are fairly close to each other via driving time (within a days drive), we started making plans to see each other during Valentines Day weekend, which ironically would be fairly perfect. I back out of it for several reasons, which none now, a year later, are clear. Danny spoils me for V-day, as well as my father. I still hunger for Michael and I am pissed off at Jeff. Nothing has really changed.Home front is getting worse, as I am getting worse emotionally. Doctor puts me on antidepressants, and tells me to get back to him in a month to find out how I am doing. I don’t recall the drug off hand, but it is not prozac nor is it Valium.|
|March 1997||March definitely came in with a bang on many accounts. My uneasiness at living at home with my parents, doing something that I love (working for an ISP), but getting low pay is not offering me many solutions with my life. Because of the low pay, attempting to pay back bills is becoming a nightmare, not including insurance on my car, speeding tickets, and rent/utils. Grand Rapids definitely is not the IT capital of the world.I suffer from complete depression during this time. Every morning is a struggle to get up, as I want to slit my wrists the minute I wake up. I am totally desolate, and unresponsive in many things.
Danny and I have a huge argument, and I suffer from some sort of nervous breakdown. Driving anywhere (to work, store, what have you) takes too much energy, and requires me to do too much thinking. I keep shrinking back in IRC, where I still find some sort of plastic solace at fucking with people’s heads. Jeff and I still speak, but occasionally. We use each other, I think. Even a year later, I still cannot be objective about the whole issue.
Family doctor (whom I have denounced as a quack) sends me off to a local mental health place to get evaluated for therapy. First encounter with therapist doesn’t go well, and I stop going after one session. Fuck therapists.
|April 1997||My computer has been doing nothing but fuck with my brain for the last few weeks. I have been on the phone to AST for support so many times, it is literally giving me a headache. Finally, the CMOS battery dies (and I had not had the computer not even a year) and so I take it back to Computer City, where I fight with the general manager to have it replaced. The first night I get my machine back (after being computerless for close to two weeks), I receive email from Christian, and everything changes.|