Paris Exposition: map, Paris, France, 1900. Courtesy of The Commons, Flickr.
Dear Internet,
I’ve been writing this in my head for days and yet here I am circling the aggressive blinking cursor with trepidation. It begins back when Dr. H upped my lithium dose to 1500mg a day (Two pills in the morning, one in the mid afternoon, last two at night). He soothes that things will change within a week once the drug metabolizes.
And he’s right, it does.
The world clicks into focus a bit better and I do not feel the crushing tiredness that plagued me through most of June. But perhaps it is too soon to tell or it is too late to tell. For the relief is short lived and I’m back to finding myself at a cross-roads, again, with what I need to do.
Or what I want to do.
At my most recent appointment with Dr. H., one where it had been sometime since we had seen each other due to schedule conflicts, my lithium levels were still in the therapeutic range. But all of the symptoms I recounted then in our session in June still exist., the biggest culprit is lethargy.
Lethargy, in any form or from anywhere, is a cruel bitch of a mistress. In my head, I am writing short stories! I am getting projects done! I am curing cancer! In reality, I feel so drained and physiologically exhausted I find myself taking short cuts to save time such as stop washing my hair daily, stop wearing make-up, and pushing off as much as I can to another day.
It’s a relief when daily chores are done because I can curl up in my bedroom and do nothing until I fall asleep, usually to some Britishism. I’m not reading, still. I’ve touched nothing in terms of projects or hobbies.
The days I am home alone in Grand Rapids, when TheHusband is up at Throbbing Cabin, I don’t cook dinner, I graze. I am exhausted walking six blocks to get hot dogs. There are five bag of treats of some sort on the counter, the fridge is full of easy to eat food like hummus and pre-made salads. I have lots and lots of liquids on hand, because sometimes I can’t even be bothered to eat, but I can be bothered to drink.
I medicate my tiredness with Sugar Free Red Bull, starting in the morning and then administrating as needed through the course of the day. Sometimes there is coffee, other times, Coke. Before I could not drink caffeine past early afternoon hour, as a rule, because it would amp me to all hours of the night. Now, I can’t seem to live without it.
There are times I’ve been so exhausted I’ve taken 3-4 hour naps and then still went to bed at a decent hour and slept for at least 8 hours. Then woke up as if I had barely slept at all.
Dr. H’s argument to me is that I’m not taking my Klonopin at night, as I should, to help me fall asleep and sleep deeply and as such, it’s fucking with the rest of my day. Is there some truth to this? Maybe. I’m running out of drugged options here and I’m grasping at straws. I want to have some semblance of life, not a shell of a life viewed through opaque windows.
So here’s the deal: Dr. H. AND Dr. P. have asked me, for months if I’m truthful, to track my moods and experiences, at least daily summary of what’s going on to better serve me and thus them. I haven’t been doing that. My reconstruction at my sessions are faulty at best, which makes for sketchy advice. I am an unreliable narrator.
I have decided, then, after this last session with Dr. H. that I needed to make a change. I needed to change – not me waiting for change, but I needed to change. For months I’ve been darkly hinting like a punk Cassandra that a big THING was going to happen. So maybe part of my lethargy is the waiting for a THING that can finally kickstart into gear.
I miss so much from a life that is just beginning to bloom. So I need to change and I need to figure out how to make these changes to make a real impact and not superficial. It needs to count.
Dr. H. said a week of taking Klonopin at bedtime should help shake out the symptoms from the lithium. It hasn’t. But as I don’t have a clear, written record of what is and is not working, I don’t feel as if I have the evidence to show that it’s not working. Oh, I feel mellow, but my tiredness and energy levels are still in the gutter.
So I’m going to start slow and I’m going to start week by week. The first week, starting with this entry, is to write every day, even if it is only 250 words, how I feel that day. It doesn’t have to a treatise on the condition of modern man, but it does need to be a record of what I’m doing. I may include how much I sleep. What I ate. What I saw.
Each week, I’ll add in something new. I want to start rowing again, to take a yoga class, to swim in a pool. I want to put my Fitbit to work for me instead of just acting like a post-modern adornment on my wrist. I want to cook. And adventure. And a million other things. Friends that are bipolar say exercise helps them immensely, writing helps immensely, talk therapy helps immensely. Remember a decade ago when you were used as a chemist experiment and for a year you felt miserable?
Slow. One thing. At a time. A week.
Then the choice will be easy to make.
x0x0,
Lisa (Day #7)
Tag: Mentally Healthy
A Woman’s Right to Shoes: Thoughts on Being Childfree
Dear Internet,
There is a small storm brewing in my neck of Twitter due to an article recently posted on Medium which posits the idea that those who are childfree (CF) should totes drop everything and help those with kids, because you’re going to change your mind so, karma! And, the article goes on to quote Whitney Houston, the now dead coke addict who farmed out raising of her daughter, because sayeth the dead pop star, the children are our future. OBVIOUSLY, then, a village must be taken and so forth.
There are loads and loads of problems with this article, namely it purports that:
- People who are CF are so by choice (It’s never about they CAN’T, it’s always about they WON’T)
- People who are CF have more time / money ergo our time is not as valuable
- CF people should support the choices of childful people because, “Children raised with security and love make better adults, and better adults make a better world in twenty-some years,” which supposes that this only happens when mom is cheering them on at a soccer game or dad soothing sick infant. These examples given also perpetuates specific family dynamics, which raised my heckles, but apparently these are the only examples/ways a child can be loved
- The author cites the US as being one of the few countries where maternity/paternity leave as well as childcare and other social programs are abysmal for parents. I don’t disagree with these challenges, the US is terrible in many modern social practices but to place the crux of this on CF people as if we are the ones who control the government or that because conservatives reacted strongly to the idea of social care is somehow our doing, is downright preposterous, ridiculous, and a grasping at straws. Better social programs across the board benefit everyone, not just families.
Lastly, my biggest, uttermost issue with the article is that it forces me (and others like me) out. Now we have to defend our decisions (or reasons) of why we are currently CF to explain why articles such as this one, written supposedly with the best intentions, makes us gnash our teeth and shake our fists in anger. It is because of this article, and others like it, that continue to perpetuate stereotypes and lifestyle choices as ones that were made not ones that were made for us, it forces us to defend our reasoning for our private lives which is no ones bidness. You never, almost never, ever see this for those who are childful, at least not in such public forums and with such regularity and acuity as directed to those who are CF.
And that’s bullshit.
Additionally, this perpetuation of the attitude is insulting, it’s degrading, it’s humiliating, and it forces us to put public a very private decision or choice while adding on the layer of if we are not parents or choosing to be parents, our lives are not even remotely complete. Everything that I’ve worked for, TheHusband has worked for, up to this time in our lives means jack. There is not a mini-Lisa running around so obviously I have failed at all the things.
I don’t think I’ve ever discussed my child bearing status in this space and it is not because it wasn’t worth discussing, but it was one of the few things of privacy that I didn’t want to to open up to the world. It begins with that I’m not sure if I can even have children, which I found out about in my 20s. I have polycystic ovarian disease (PCOD), which means there are cysts on my ovaries, which makes my chances of getting pregnant downright miracelous. I’ve been told my chances of conceiving were less than 20%. Now that I’m older, and my child bearing years are closing down, even less. Maybe 10%. Let’s add in TheHusband’s familial history of mental illness and my own mental illness, coupled with my family history of the same, and the wanting to have a child looks even less tempting. Let us not forget my mother had cancer of the vulva and my grandmother had cancer of ovaries, and what should be something pretty easy peasy turns out to be a big ole complicated and convoluted mess.
A lot of conversations stemmed on Twitter today about this, after I started ranting natch, and it felt like everyone, breeders and CFs, were pretty much in the agreement that the author of the article was a self-righteous, over privileged, lazy asshole who wanted someone else to raise her children. It was not about a kumbaya “it takes a village” moment she was attempting to prostylize, rather, it was ALLLLLL about her. TheHusband, who is one of the most rational people I know, threw out her argument line by line by summing up her own inaptitude to handle her responsibilities so she’s shuffling them off to someone else.
No would disagree parents need help, and no one would disagree or shy away from giving them the help they needed, but to demand we do so simply because our responsibilities are different is absurd.
And painful.
Articles like this also bring up one painful point for me – it’s not so much that I won’t have children, but that my choice to have them was stripped away due to medical necessity. I don’t have an option to choose whether or not I wanted to have kids – I was just told it was not going potentially happen. This fine detail point, this removal of choice, is the open wound I keep guarded and close to me, knowing the day will come (sooner then I had hoped) where I am going to have to grieve over something I may never get to have.
x0x0,
Lisa
This day in Lisa-Universe in: 2003
holding up a corner of the sky
Dear Internet,
The other day I was on the toilet, reading National Geographic as you do, when I had a panic attack.
Let me repeat this:
I’m on the toilet.
Taking a dump.
Reading National Geographic.
Having a panic attack.
I was more surprised rather than panicked about what was happening, and thankfully the attack came and went fairly quickly. This little episode seems to sum up what’s been going on with my brain as of late, which is to say, an even more chaotic mess.
A few weeks ago I was scheduled to see my medicating doctor for my monthly visit and a few days before the appointment, I had irrational fight with a friend online. The fight was not serious by any context, but I was able to step back and see what is going on before it DID get serious. But the fact the fight happened at all was a huge wake-up call. A few days before that, TheHusband made an off hand comment I had been acting “weird,” but he didn’t really qualify it other than he didn’t think things were going well with me and he was concerned.
During the session with my medicating therapist, when I relayed all of this to him, it sounded like the lithium was not working as well as he had hoped. I agreed. He upped me another 300mg, for a total of 1500mg to be split over the course of the day (morning, afternoon, night).
A week and half later, I find myself sitting in the shadows of a room steaming over god knows what.
I got some relief on the first few days after the dosage was upped, but since then I’ve been super lethargic and now overly anxious. The lethargy is destroying much of my productivity because I have zero motivation and will and it’s a struggle to stay awake. I’m bordering on always being on panic mode. That feeling gets intensified when all of these fixes for ffor my brain chaos stop working and the cycle seemingly always repeats itself.
I can’t get any relief and I feel like I am going crazy on fixing my crazy.
Tomorrow I am calling my medicating doctor to get off of Lithium. I’m not sure what has changed with my body chemistry in the last month but I thought the lithium was at least a cure-all for my bipolar and instead, it’s now destroying me. He’s made suggestions of putting me on Depakote to work with the lithium but so far I’ve read or heard nothing but terrible reviews. I’m at the point right now, six months after starting it, that I have not seen enough evidence to continue taking it.
The quasi-fight TheHusband and I are having is about space. Some couples fight about money, some couples fight about temperature control, TheHusband and I fight about space. The fact we have too much of it, it seems.
Throbbing Manor, including the finished bits of the basement, is 3200 sqft. According to my European friends, I live in a goddamned mansion. According to the American contingent, we live in a nice place. We know it is too big, and we also know how we use space doesn’t mesh with the flow of the house. Yes, the house is nice.Yes, we live in a desirable neighborhood. But this house isn’t us. We don’t use the space that is here, instead we hang out in only a few of the many rooms. Because we’re not hanging out in many of the rooms, wer’re not buying any furniture, household goods, or wall art to finish the rooms off. We’ve lived here for 2.5 years and people have asked me for updated pictures and I’m embarrassed to say there aren’t any.
The sunroom (or solarium) has been one of those rooms where we go back and forth on what to do with it. First it was indoor/outdoor furniture to turn it into a cozy reading/hang out area, then it was double it up with plants, then it was get a drafting desk so TheHusband could draw and paint, and I could calligraphy.
In the nearly two years we’ve been having this discussion, we’ve bought three large plants, of which one is nearly dead and we’ve commissioned the handcrafted table that goes over the absurdly long radiator. In the winter, during the holiday times, if we’re feeling like putting a tree up, it goes in here. But any of the aforementioned items I’ve mentioned we were considering on purchasing – we haven’t purchased. The indoor/outdoor furniture is never right for his taste, we can’t find a drafting desk to meet his needs, and so forth and so on. Finally, I decided to take a stand and turn the space into a writing area.
And this is where the argument starts.
TheHusband states I’m taking over space by putting my stamp everywhere (duh, I live here. I should be able to do that anyway!) and I now have essentially two offices. Then he’s pissed because we had to move one of his plants (a lime tree) to another space in the room, but the damn tree is dying anyway. A 6′ lateral move is not going to hasten its death!
Secondly, getting to know myself as intimately as I have in the last six months, in order to cope with my ADHD drug free, I need solitude space of no interruption. This means TheHusband. He says I should just close the door to my office on the second floor, but it isn’t the same. Sitting here in solarium has a different vibe then siting upstairs. The view is better. I’m away from external noise that comes from the other side of the house. The chair is not as comfy so the likelihood of me fucking off while doing work is less likely. And most importantly, I’m close to my books.
The final big reason is we decided to turn the bedroom into a gadget free zone once we get to the point where we move the bedroom TV up to the cabin, forcing us to watch TV in the Rumpus Room. I’m started that process early by moving my laptop out of the room and into the solarium. At least here I can work with minimal interruption.
I told TheHusband if he buys a drafting desk, we buy the indoor/outdoor furniture, or any of the other things we talked about doing to this room, I’ll gladly move this desk back upstairs and live will continue on as normal. My desktop, TheHusband’s old laptop that is wire bound now, is slowly dying so the move may be sooner than I think.
Pro tip: Marriage is overrated.
x0x0x,
Lisa
This day in Lisa-Universe in:
The Drugs Don’t Work
Now the drugs don’t work
They just make you worse
But I know I’ll see your face again
The Verve, The Drugs Don’t Work
Dear Internet,
Ritalin, Concerta (32mg and 54mg), Adderall, and Focalin.
To give you a brief idea of the foray into my brain has been like, in the last five months, I’ve cycled through the above and received well documented and undocumented side effects for my efforts. Focalin, the latest drug, pushed me to the edges of paranoia, anti-socialism, and rapid/cyclic impulse thoughts.
I would not classify myself as being an introvert or extrovert, I seem to be fluid between the two, but on Focalin in social situations, I was always scamming to get a way out. I would wall myself up internally so that even the most banal small talk would be difficult. I would come off as standoffish, an asshole, or just plain weird.
People in my space made me nervous. People taking up time I had allocated for another task, irritated me. Music, I realized today, was not listened to because of depression, but because it moved the focus to something I didn’t deem as being important instead of allowing me to work on the task at hand.
I was sharp around the edges.
We could have the most innocent of conversations and I would take great umbrage at any perceived slight I felt thrown in my direction. Then I became hyper-sensitive to this behavior and had to monitor all written and verbal conversations to make sure I didn’t fuck shit up.
All of this defense and protection is exhausting.
Being crazy is exhausting.
Tonight I told my medicating therapist I took myself off of Focalin, and as of the Tuesday, I’ve been free of legal meth for 5 days. I’m still on lithium and will remain on lithium for as long as I live, but for now I need a break from the ADHD drugs. At least not take them on a regular basis.
He agreed.
The medicating doctor thinks this is all rapid signs of over stimulation. I am not going crazy, well not at least yet. The doses I was on for all of the drugs were of the lowest dose available. Ritalin works, but on occasion and for a few hours, and any attempt to prolong the drug doesn’t work. Good when I need to work at home or want to sit down and write, but I don’t think, at this time, I want to be on an ADHD drug permanently.
Since I’ve built my own coping skills on managing ADHD all these years, although haphazardly, I’m going to research for resources of tried techniques to help compensate so that the Ritalin will be last case use, not first in hand. I’ve also started my meditation in the morning to calm my mind.
In the last five days, the amplified symptoms have calmed and started to leave. Now I hope to find only peace.
x0x0,
Lisa
Wolf who fills himself with all who die and will swallow the heavenly bodies
Dear Internet,
Sometimes there are no words to express what is going on in my head, so I’ve made the executive decision to use animated gifs instead.
The last few weeks have been a shit hole of catastrophe in my brain.
When I started back to work after my lay up, Dr. H. was of the mind that since Concerta only seemed to work some time, I needed to try something else to find something that worked all the time. The following Monday, I went up to two Adderall XR in the morning, with no effect. Spoke with Dr. H. that evening and he moved me back to Concerta 36mg. Tuesday was fine. Wednesday, I was an idiot and accidentally took double my Concerta dosage in the morning, so instead of 36mg, I was high as a kite on 72mg. I immediately dosed myself with Klonopin to keep me more even and brought the bottle with me to work.
By mid-day Wednesday, I was quietly having a meltdown in my office. I was reading something about something and got so intensely frustrated, I wanted to start punching holes in the brick walls. I kept myself together by duct tape and string. Thursday, my dosage was normal but I was so tired, I broke my no-caffeine rule and drank a Coke that evening to just get over the hump. Friday was much the same as Thursday. Saturday, I was heading to MSU as a panelist at the MSU Comics Forum.
Even after taking my regular dosage and my lithium early on Saturday morning, I could not function. I had to drink a Coke to keep awake to drive to Lansing and by the time our panel came up, I was manic in my head. Kristin and I were supposed to head to Gizzard City for dinner but I felt so whacked out, I didn’t know if I could make the 1/2 hour drive to the restaurant eat, and then drive home. So I bailed and drove home on a wing and a prayer.
Sunday was glorious. I felt like my body had finally been reset. Monday, I spoke to Dr. H. and he was concerned about Concerta’s effects during the week so we’re going to try Adderall XR again except this time, we’re going to split the dose: half in early morning, second half later part of the morning. Makes sense. I’m on spring break, let’s give it a try.
Didn’t work.
Not only did the Adderall XR do nothing for me, but it turned me into this moody, depressed, state of an animal. I didn’t want to leave the house, I didn’t want to hang out with friends, I didn’t want to do things with my husband. I just wanted to wallow in bed and watch terrible TV. So the long ago set plans to do something on spring break week were all mostly broken. When I was feeling up to doing something, it was mostly writing and working on my cadre of websites. Except, there were massive problems on my host providers end and my website couldn’t stabilized all fucking week. 504 and 502 errors all over the place. Which wasn’t super helpful when this happened:
TheHusband wanted me to stop taking the Adderall XR and I refused. I had to see if I could finally metabolize the drug AND I had a phone appointment with Dr. H. on Friday (yesterday). I’ll be fine.
Except, I wasn’t.
During my phone consult on Friday evening, I was nearly hysterical. Dr. H. had no idea why this was happening because chemically, Adderall XR isn’t supposed to effect serotonin levels. But obviously something was happening because it was fucking mess in my brain.
Here is how it is supposed to work:
I take Lithium (1200 mg, half in the morning, half at night) as a mood stabilizer. With my mood stabilized (and I get blood drawn to check my Lithium levels every couple of weeks), the ADHD drugs work better. If I feel too amped up or I can’t sleep, I take Klonopin as needed. When the ADHD drugs don’t feel like they are working, then we ramp up the Lithium. Except now I’m at the therapeutic levels of Lithium (known via the blood tests) so I can’t amp that up, so we have to work on the ADHD drugs.
Or go on anti-depressants for more stabilization to make the ADHD drugs work better.
Which I’m rejecting.
A decade or so ago, I was seeing a medicating therapist when I lived in DC area, who decided to cycle me through almost all known (to her) permutations of various SSRIs/Anti-$whatevers in her drug book. So if X combination did not work, then, we’ll try something else! Then try something else! Then try something else!
The hitch in this giddy up is I metabolize drugs fairly quickly. For SSRIs, if it takes 14-21 days before the drug stabilizes on me, it could take as little as 7. Rather than up/down the dosage, she just changed me to something else. I was cycled through so much, over the course of six months, my life fell apart. Granted, the relationship I was in then was already on the rocks, but everything else that may have been okay such as job, professional and personal relationships were all hit hard by this. It was fucking terrible and a fucking nightmare
The other hitch is I’m one of the rare cases of people who get suicidal thoughts on anti-depressants. I’ve been on varying doses of:
- Wellabutrin
- Effexor
- Celexa
- Prozac
- Paxil
- Zoloft
XR or not, doesn’t matter. On or off Lithium, doesn’t matter. I start taking an anti-depressant, I want to kill myself.
When I went off the drugs a decade ago, I swore I would do whatever was necessary to stay OFF the drugs. Change diet, living, jobs, whatever, I’d do it. But DBT and yoga can only do so much; I recognized I needed to be more proactive in my mental health. But this last few weeks has shown me glimpses of what that life was like a decade ago, and it is NOT one I want to repeat. I have too much at stake to lose all of it due to my fucking terrible brain chemistry.
There was no fucking way I was going back on an anti-depressant.
So there I am, nearly hysterical on the phone with Dr. H, very emphatically without a goddamned moving an inch to my voice, that I will not get on anti-depressants. We agreed to keep me on the 1200mg of Lithium and go back to the Concerta 36mg, since I can tolerate that and it works somewhat. The rest is up for discussion when I see him in a few weeks.
My hysteria got worse when I got off the phone and was talking to TheHusband about the whole phone call ordeal, then my mood shifted in to self-protective mode where I did not want to be touched, stroked, talked to, or anything. I remember wrapping my arms around myself while TheHusband tried to sooth me during this depressive spike. I cried. A lot.
After I made the decision in October to start seeing Dr. P. again, he collated in later sessions the depression I was experiencing was more than likely stemming from the untreated ADHD which was creating a vicious circle of frustration and all the life changes that had happened in the last few years and were not dealt with. So, more normal life stuff rather than chemical.
This is how I knew what happened this week was different, even despite the chemical incredulousness of it, the mood shift down this week was caused by Adderall XR. This WAS chemical, and it was crippling, and it was debilitating. How fast I shifted during the day, before the phone, while on the phone, and then after the call was huge.
Today, I started the morning with half of my Lithium dose (the remaining dose will be later) and Concerta. I’m still feeling prickly, my eyes ache as if I had been crying for hours (though I haven’t), and I am still in my pajamas. But for the first time in a few weeks, that I feel okay.
And this is how I absolutely do know, it will be sunny one day.
x0x0,
lisa
Mental Illness, Shame, and The Art of Asking
Dear Internet,
I have complicated relationship with Amanda Fucking Palmer.
While there are some things that I’m critical of in regards to AFP, I am incredibly mindful that a lot of conversations happening now are because of her. Changes in how music is viewed/played; how relationships are shifting beween art, artists, and viewers; how we challenge not just our own perceptions but perceptions of the world at large even just by living our lives as how we define our lives to be, not by another’s definition. In addition, she lives her life fearlessly, which is incredibly inspiring.
AFP was invited to speak at TED this year and below is her talk, The Art of Asking:
https://youtube.com/watch?v=xMj_P_6H69g%26w%3D640%26h%3D360
AFP’s salient points on discussing crowd sourcing, risk taking, or even challenging common public notions and beliefs. But at this talk’s core, as she states, is the relationship between the artist and the viewer. That very intimate relationship that is only owned between those two people.
Yesterday, I was part of a panel at MSU Comics Forum where we gave a presentation on Golden Age: Comics and Graphic Novel Resources in Libraries. Our schtick is to present on this topic at non-library conferences because we knew it was important for artists, writers, creators, educators, and comic book lovers to be aware of what/how libraries are doing with comics and graphic novels. Within the library world, it is a given. Outside the library world, not so much.
While prepping for my talk, I was debating on whether or not to mention I was bipolar and relate that to graphic novels available on the topic. If part of my argument is graphic novels should be in libraries is because they help broach difficult topics, is this not a difficult topic and ergo a perfect example? The other question that would be asked is what kind of obligation do I have in mentioning I am bipolar to anyone about anything? Why does the onus fall on me?
This debate went on in my head up until I took the podium.
When the slide came up I had earmarked to mention being bipolar, I found myself just saying it as naturally if you please:
“I’m bipolar. I’ve had several friends who’ve read Marbles: Mania, Depression, Michelangelo, and Me and say to me, ‘Okay. I understand what you’re going through. It was eye opening.’ And this is perfectly illustrates how graphic novels and comics can help broach difficult topics.”
Several heads in the audience nodded with agreement.
In the space of a few minutes, I had negotiated in my head the trust relationship between myself and the audience. I gave myself permission to be candid. The floor did not open up and swallow me nor did fire come reigning down the heavens.
While I was feeling manic up until that moment, and then the world shifted into focus. When my 15 minutes was done, I felt my body relax for the first time in weeks.
Before watching AFP’s talk last night, I had not realized the mental negotiations taking place in my head about having a mental illness were about exchanges in trust with whomever. Oh, not you Internet, but with those in contact of my daily life, who don’t follow me across the social sphere or read this blog. There is a price tag on honesty, and on revealing, one that was too high in the past to contemplate, and one that is constantly always under scrutinizing but is becoming easier to negotiate.
AFP rationalized it is not about taking a risk, rather it is trust. Shame comes in when those not part of the negotiation attempt to criticize it. I am currying trust with my readership by telling them about my crazy, but someone who doesn’t read my blog, or know me, starts to make judgements on the already established link between me and my readership, they are installing shame on the affair. Anything different is open to criticism and this needs to change.
My name is Lisa and I am bipolar.
It needs to be said, it has to be said, I will continue to say it.
xoxo,
Lisa
Better living through chemistry, round two: Sunday
Dear Interent,
8:12AM: Took 10mg of Adderall XR
9:24AM: Still waiting for something to happen. Take my morning lithium dose. Ask Kate, who is also on Adderall, how long it takes to kick in.
9:42AM: Low grade headache, still haven’t had breakfast yet, TheHusband has brought me a caffeine free Coke.
11:13AM: I’ve researched buying Nintendo 3DS’s and Manic Panic hair color; I’ve checked my bank balance, chatted with friends on Twitter and IM, but I can’t singularly concentrate on completing a a longer task. I have not had breakfast at this time. And I still have the low grade headache.
13:36: TheHusband had started taxes, food has been consumed. I’ve taken Tylenol to combat the headache but it keeps popping up and saying, “Hey.”
15:38: Called Dr. H. Waiting to hear back. TheHusband and I get frisky in the basement when we begin laundry cycles. Libido not completely squashed by all the drugs. Yay!
17:04: TheHusband and I have been going back and forth on our taxes today. Bottom line is that we can’t write off $10K in my student loan interest or my nearly $8K in medical expenses because we’re slightly over the threshold. Time to get an accountant.
17:16: Dr. H. calls back and says to up the Adderall to 20mg tomorrow. I’m to call tomorrow afternoon. Dr. P. returned my text and my appointment has been successfully moved to 12P tomorrow.
20:25: TheHusband made dinner (third night we’ve had some variation of Mexican food) and he’s now on an after hours call due to network troubles.
x0x0,
Lisa
Wulf-monath
Dear Internet,
Last night when I crawled into bed, way past the witching hour, TheHusband was up watching The Nazi Gospels. Apparently if I need something akin to a sleep aid, docudramas about Third Reich mysticism is it.
The Concerta is doing my head in, I think. My new sleeping pattern has become going to bed between 2AM – 4AM and waking up between 10AM – Noon. Since I’m taking the Concerta when I first wake in the morning, logic would dictate that the late start is causing the shifting of time cycles. When I woke up today, I decided to skip this days dose of Concerta and only take my lithium. It is nearing 9PM, on New Years Eve no less, and I’m yawning like a maniac. Thankfully, TheHusband and I have no plans for this evening, as it would require the putting on of pants. Bed and a book are forthcoming.
One of my projects during our staycation (I do not head back to work until the ninth of January, TheHusband goes back on the second), was to get my office sorted out. It had become a cesspool of everything in the last year and again, the things I could not find or didn’t know I own was becoming really apparent. I’ve seen some postulating across the Internets in the last few days it was bad luck to have a dirty house on the first of the New Year. I’d rather throw salt over my shoulder then get crushed by a falling safe, and since the rest of the house was more or less clean enough, the office got a good unfucking.
- I pulled out all the books I had purchased either for research or pleasure and had yet to read and hauled those downstairs and added them to the giant to be read pile in the living room bookcases. So now all of my books, with the exception fo the Kindle ones, are in one spot.
- Pulled out all my comics and graphic novels, bags/boards, and took those downstairs as well.
- Storage containers of various things from ye olden days were reorganized and put into the office closet.
- Random hardware/software was also sorted and put away.
- I put my writing desk on the other side of the room and completely cleaned off/put away everything that was once on it. You couldn’t see it under all the books, papers, random bits stockpiled everywhere! The only thing it will house is my my Macbook Air, iPad, and my paper/calligraphy/writing supplies.
- The three bookcases were resorted and moved to various places around the room as space allowed.
You can see the final outcome here, here, and here. (Yeah, not so great without the befores, I get you on that, but you have to understand even the dog couldn’t make way to her pillowed bed before the great unfucking.)
I also sorted through mail, got rid of a lot of junk, and finally have space again, which is the whole point of this shenanigans. It also got a good vacuuming, which the dog was nonplussed about when I ran the vacuum up to her pillow bed, with her on it, and she didn’t bat an eye. (But her hair filled up the vacuum canister.)
I’ll need to get TheHusband to put up my diplomas that I had framed earlier in the year this weekend, and I need to replace the magnetic board to go over my writing desk, but I’m pretty pleased how this turned out. With it being a L shaped room, where the foot of the L is not very deep, I’ve been mixing variations since we moved in. A very down the road project is to turn one of the unused basement rooms into my workspace so I can move all the supplies for Excessively Diverting downstairs and have the ability to make giant messes. This would free up even more space in here (right now a lot of the supplies for ED is tidily hiding in the closet.). I’d love to get a reading chair in here but with the current configuration, that would be impossible, but may another configuration later down the road may work.
During the unfucking, when sorting out a few of the older boxes of things, I unleashed some great smell we can’t find the source to. It’s living in the closet, that we know for sure, and it smells like rotten tuna fish. There is no food, mold, or water leaks, so no bloody idea what the hell it is. What I do know is that I’m not opening up that closet door for a very long time.
Compared to NYEs of the past, this one is pretty quiet. 2012 was a big giant year of reflection and making the slow path back towards wholeness. It was painful in a lot of ways, and also a gift in many others. Here’s to making 2013 more powerful than ever.
x0x0,
Lisa
Thanks Awfully, You Old Thing
Dear Internet,
I’ve been getting a lot of emails / Facebook messages/ Tweets about all of the writings on my struggles, and this leads me to feel sort of awkward because I don’t know how to respond to the kind words, the support, or those who are telling me they are, thanks to me, looking to change up their own mental health routine to get themselves on track. I write to give voice to myself, to voice those who cannot, and to make clear that being a bit touched isn’t something you can just get over. If I don’t respond to your message, for whatever reason, at least know that your words are inspiring to me and and Wednesday and I (and TheHusband) thank you from the bottom of our hearts for all of the support.
I know for some of you it’s been kind of a pain as when something is posted on the blog, it auto-cross posts to LiveJournal, Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr. Well, it’s a pain if you follow me everywhere or in a few places. I know the argument for this cross-posting from SEO experts is I’m doing it wrong, and you know what? Fuck ’em. A lot of my traffic comes from those cross-posts, not everyone utilizes the web in the same way, and not everyone uses the same community driven sites in the same manner. This has all be very deliberate, specifically with LiveJournal acting as my archive for all the content posted on all of my blogs since the dawn of time (or 2001). Anyone battling any kind of illness knows that the biggest support is finding others out there like you and if there are people / community that can be touched or created from my own experiences, then it’s worth thumbing my nose at SEO peeps.
I’ve started curating themed days around here, which I started with Collectioun of Cunnynge Curioustes (which will post every Saturday). I’ve got a few more themed days lined up, which I hope to get sorted by the end of the next week or two into the rotation. This does not mean that the baring of the soul will stop, rather the point for curation is to keep posting content in a regular manner even when the soul baring is not as productive. Stuff like Collectioun of Cunnynge Curioustes can be done over the course of a week or in another themed content that I’m currently entertaining, it can be stacked weeks ahead of time.
I’ve got a post that is set to publish on Monday that will cover my goals, hopes, and dreams for 2013 so there I will explain all of this a bit more.
x0x0,
Lisa
Lithos
Dear Internet,
I’m so happy ’cause today
I found my friends,
They’re in my head
Lithium by Nirvana
Friday I had my follow up with Dr. H., my medicating doc, and I was hoping he’d say, “Yep, Concerta isn’t working, let’s put you on X and try that instead” and let me go on my merry little way. Didn’t happen. Of course, because that would be far too easy. So, now, then what do we do?
I spent the better part of an hour going over every drug that has entered my system or that I had left in the last couple of months (OTC or prescribed), and went through my entire 1.5 weeks on Ritalin + Concerta experience. Noting to him every little new “thing” triggered by either drug or was put to rest by either drug. I’m thankful that I wrote as much as I did while tracking my mania/The Sads, but I didn’t write enough because he asked me a lot of questions I could not easily answer nor were there any hints in my blog when I checked while at his office. I think it’s important to be a public voice for this drug experience, but sometimes it’s hard to keep track of what I’m doing and how I’m doing or do it in a matter that is more coherent. Maybe it doesn’t have to be?
TheHusband pointed out maybe if I wrote more stream of consciousness (which I did a lot of when I was in my ’20s), it would be easier. I think he has a point. While I plan on keeping up with writing about this publicly, I need to be more diligent on my note taking privately. I bought DayOne for my Mac, iPad, and iPhone ages ago and used it pretty heavily after for the first month or so and then tapered off. It was interesting how much came out when I was writing only for me – though to be fair, when I write here, I also am writing just for me. But writing in a matter that is more private, I suppose, frees up a lot of internal censorship that I unconsciously use on myself. The only glitch I had using DayOne was when I was on computer (like work) that is not MacOS variant based. My solution to that was either bring in my Air (which I’ve been doing more of) or use Evernote and create a folder tag for DayOne writings to transpose later.
So, more writing about this experience. Duly noted.
As I said a few weeks ago, the accepted diagnosis is ADHD with Bipolar with bits of Borderline Personality Disorder thrown in for good measure, which coincides with the diagnosis back in 2005. When I was living in Northern Virginia (NoVa) from 1999-2002, I was seeing a therapist there who cycled me through a lot of drugs: anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, anti-psychotics (alternative for the anti-anxiety) for Bipolar and definitely anxiety. I was on, then off, then on, and then off so many drugs that I felt like my brain would just explode. I swore then no matter what the fuck happened, I was NOT putting myself on any of that medicinal merry-go-round again. I’d learn to live, cope, and exist with my current brain chemistry as it is because I could not take that kind of mental anguish again.
So when Dr. H. said he was putting me on lithium today, I burst into tears in his office.
With the exception of Klonopin in the last ten years, I’ve been mainly drug free. I was hell bent on going holistic on the vapors of my brain, but that apparently hasn’t been working and so, where we are.
This where the helplessness started to become so overwhelming that I nearly bolted from his office. I came to him, as a recommendation from Dr. P. to get the drugs for ADHD and monitor them, and now he’s putting me on this medicinal go around for the bipolar, which is apparently triggered by the ADHD? The way Dr. H explains it is that if Ritalin AND Concerta are triggering mania, depression, and other traits of the bipolar, those need to be addressed first before Concerta (or any related drug) can really be effective for me. I’m unlucky in that not only do I tend to metabolize drugs more quickly than other humans, and I also tend to pick up the rare side effects from the drugs. They can’t plaster me with a catch-all drug to cure X because that triggers these other things that have now sprung up.
Dr. H. gets my hesitancy about this, but he feels pretty confident we can find that sweet spot where everything plays nicely and I can feel some sense of normalcy. But it will be tricky, which means I have to be more diligent on keeping track of my moods and everything else in between.
This isn’t the first time I was on lithium, as I was on it during the first chemical-go-around when I was living on NoVa and I remember that sweet spot for like 3 days when I was on lithium and something else where everything was fucking awesome. The world seemed brighter, the colors were deeper, food tasted sublime, and I did not feel like a scatterbrained idiot. Here’s to hoping that we can get there again.
ProTip: Don’t ever read forums, regardless of the reliability of the website, about drugs, drug interactions, or their side effects. Because you’re going to end up self-diagnosing yourself with consumption or the vapors, and never want to leave your house again.
TheHusband, who rejects “white man medicine”1 for most everything gets that in order to make his Pookie Bear better, she’s got to swallow the poison. We’ve been big supporters of whole foods lifestyle for a long time, and while we tend to fall off the wagon here or there, for the most part, for fat people, we are pretty fucking healthy fat people. But we know we can do a lot better, so before this drug shenanigans came into play, we planned to kickstart our healthy eating and exercise again. To be more whole, mentally AND physically just reinforces the idea that we really need to get behind this and stick with it. The goal is that with a better balanced diet, more exercise (as I am more mobile now), and seeing Dr. P. every week and Dr. H. monthly, things will (hopefully) start to get better.
Kale smoothies, here we come. Rah. Rah. Rah.
But darkly, in the shadows lurking, I also know, as it is with any kind of drug that is taken for the brain, there is almost always a dark side before the dawn. That is the risk you have to take.
My regime is 600mg of Lithium (1 300mg tablet taken twice daily), 36mg of Concerta, and my usual assortment of multivitamins and supplements. Because of the Concerta, I’m off caffeine (and have been for 11 days as of this writing). because of Lithium, I cannot take NSAIDs (aspirin, ibuprofen, etc) and I should watch my salt intake. Dr. H. also wants me to refrain from alcohol while I’m on lithium, which means I can’t dip into the Absinthe my brother got me for Christmas.
I’m also allergic to dairy, so there is also that to add into the do not haves.
It’s a good thing I like water.
x0x0,
Lisa
1. He’s Native American.