Dear Internet,
Teddy has been to a lot of places for a stuffed bear. Grand Rapids. Toronto. San Francisco. Washington DC. Grand Rapids. Detroit. Grand Rapids. East coast.
And now back to Michigan.
TheBassist and I are on a pause.
I’m not sure how long of a pause – could be six months, could be six years. I’m currently in the wilds of the Poconos right now, holed up in a hotel cut into a mountain with a giant unidentifiable stain on the bedspread and in a smoking room. A sugar free RedBull is opened in one of the drink holders in Jeeves and I could queue up the manic to push through the 13 hour drive but I am not in my 20s and at times I can be a bit smart on how to handle things. Thus, with the weather turning from drizzle to sleet, I pulled over for the night. My alarm goes off at 6AM and I hope to be on the road by 7, in Michigan by the end of the Thursday afternoon.
Last night I received word about the #teamharpy case and we’re allegedly going to trial in the spring. Between that, the cock-up my divorce is becoming (not at the fault of J.), joblessness and looking for a job, added with stress of moving, hemorrhaging money like mad, I was crumbling worse in the last month than the last six months I was in Grand Rapids.
It is not that I don’t love TheBassist. It is not because I don’t want to be with him. It is not that he did anything wrong or his family or friends wasn’t amazing to me while I was there. It is none of these things.
I am being chased by some very large demons, some whom would probably decimate most humans. My sword is only so sharp, my shield is only so penetrable. I had to choose which battles I could could fight to win the war.
This was not a decision I have taken lightly, as we all well know.
I took a big risk. I am proud of myself for taking that risk.
Some of you may not agree with me, but you are not me. The biggest thing I learned during this whole endeavor was, simply put, that I am human. I waffle. I fail. I succeed. I fight. I retract.
Letting me be human was the biggest gift TheBassist could give me.
For most of my conscious adult life, I’ve been very contentious of what the world thought and attempting to correct any short givings I perceived myself to have, to not follow the same paths I came from, that somewhere along the way, I projected myself as being a super woman.
I am not super woman. This has been a very hard lesson to not only learn, but to actually know. I can only do so much before it takes it toll. This is why I saw a medicating therapist last week; this is why I went back on the drugs. This is why I’ll continue taking the drugs, continue seeking therapy. Where I’ll put self-care as a top priority rather than something to deal with later. I’ve been trying to work on this for a long time.
This decision hurt a lot of people, not only myself or TheBassist. I get that. I accept that. Many of you will be angry at me or frustrated. But know this: I did not shift my life 1000 miles on a whim. TheBassist is one of two loves of my life. But the foundations I need in my life in order to have a life with him does not exist. He told me in the very beginning that if our houses were not in order before we came together, our relationship would suffer. He was right. He also understands this.
I did not leave because I don’t love him. Know this. Trust this.
So I head back to Michigan and I formulate another plan. I let the dust settle and come out stronger than ever.
In the interim, once this posts to my Facebook wall, I’ll be deactivating my Facebook account on Friday. I’m also deleting my Instagram account for all those photos of us together would be too painful to see. I am keeping my Twitter account as my primary methods of communication, though I have reigned it in. If you’re a friend of mine and you FB BFF TheBassist, you do not have to unfriend him. And vice versa if you’re a friend of his to me. We’re not asking people to take sides. We ARE asking people to be respectful while we grieve and to remember there is always more to the story than what meets the eye.
Our story is not yet done.
Darkest night, brightest days.
xoxo,
Lisa
Tag: TeamHarpy
#teamharpy tweet clarification
Dear Internet,
I am taking a break from writing to clarify a common misconception that is being reported (I’ve seen it in other pieces as well) in regards to my tweets that launched the suit, namely that I purged them.
This is false. There are two things at play.
The first is that Twitter only displays the last 3,200 tweets on one’s timeline. This is found on Twitter’s FAQ. As I am a verbose tweeter, the tweets in question (made in early May of 2014) were no longer publicly accessible as of mid-August 2014. The only way to access them after that point was to either have a direct link to the tweet in question OR if you are the owner of the account, you can download your entire Twitter archive with all the tweets still intact but it would only be visible to you offline.
Twitter is not indexed by any of the big search engines (Google, Bing, etc) but there are apparently Twitter specific indexers that allows you to search a person’s timeline, however, it should be noted again that it can only search what is publicly available due to Twitter’s own parameters which is again, the last 3,200 tweets.
The second thing in play is that in mid-September, I changed my Twitter handle from @pnkrcklibrarian to @byshieldmaiden. All my tweets, followers and those I’m following also made the transition.
With @pnkrcklibrarian now freed up, I created a new Twitter account to hold the name. It was to make sure that no one used the name to impersonate me. This is why if you go to @pnkrcklibrarian, there is but one tweet and I follow no one.
Therefore any tweet in question that links to @pnkrcklibrarian will show up as being dead, but if you change the username to @byshieldmaiden, it should theoretically now show up.
I have been fairly transparent on WHY I made this move.
If you have any questions in regards to the case, please contact me via the #TeamHarpy website.
xoxo,
Lisa
life-ring enclosure
Dear Internet,
Yeah, it’s been awhile. I’m at an undisclosed location for the week to make some hard choices, something I thought I did ages and ages ago when I decided to upend my life but apparently not as clear cut as I thought.
How did I get here? (Car and credit cards, but that’s the logistics and not the reasoning.)
While I’ve been doing a fairly good job of keeping my train wreck of a life off the internets except when absolutely necessary, you lot always knew the ends of my decisions and not the process of the whys. That was perhaps the most uncharacteristic thing about this whole blasted mess is that I’ve always kept a written track of what I’m doing and why, but as I’m being dragged through the mud across the internet due to #TeamHarpy1, I thought it might be just a bit wise to not to publicly say a damn thing.
But as the weeks have gone on, the impact of that internalization is damaging not just my brain, but also my body. I get random hives. My period is showing up every two weeks. I wake up at 4AM on an almost daily basis in a complete state of panic no amount of Klonopin can seem to fix. My moods are cycling so hard that I cannot trust what I’m feeling one minute to the next. I am free falling emotionally that what seemed like a brilliant decision one moment can feel great regret the next, which alternates with almost complete stoicism with emotional shutting down. I have been in tears so much, I’m surprised I’m not a prune.
What seemed so crystal clear weeks ago is now muddled and chaotic.
In order to regain control I made a few concrete decisions: Disconnect from the internet for awhile and find some place to be alone for a few days to clear my head and do some really hard thinking. But fuck the haters, I am going to put everything out on the damned blog. Maybe seeing it in print will help with the clarity and it will keep those who are needing to know how I’m doing.
So now you know WHY I’m here, so let’s move to the WHAT.
The stories consist of three main characters: Myself, TheBassist, and TheSoonToBeExHusband. So I’ll give you the tl;dr for the moment, with a fuller explanation tomorrow: I am in love with two men.
I did not leave TheSoonToBeExHusband for TheBassist. TheBassist and I started a relationship after I separated from TheSoonToBeExHusband. My marriage had been deteriorating for the last several years and this past spring, I had a sit down with TheSoonToBeExHusband about working on our marriage. He agreed to work with me on making changes. It didn’t happen. This was not the first time I had a sit down with him but it was the last. I had originally planned on using my year long writing sabbatical to also get my life back on track and hoped TheSoonToBeExHusband would come with me on that journey. When it became clear that he had no intent, I left.
TheBassist entered after the separation. We met up to see if the spark was still there after so many years. It was not a spark, but an explosion. He offered me many things TheSoonToBeExHusband would not and it was a chance for a true partnership with someone who would and could be my lover and equal.
So I decided to take a risk.
During the period as I started getting things ready, I felt very lucid and clear about all of my decision making. I had gone through a series of internal checklists and worked with my therapist on making sure I was doing the rational thing. Yes, there was emotions involved but I needed to also make sure what I was doing was not impulsive but the right choice for me.
And it felt right. Up until the day a few weeks after that I woke up out of a dead sleep at 4AM, woke TheBassist and said in all seriousness, “Why should I stay?”
And my emotional state has been getting progressively worse ever since.
To be clear, nothing has “happened.” TheBassist and everyone here have been beyond fantastic. I’ve been treated like visiting royalty and if I am indeed having a nervous breakdown, I couldn’t ask for better group of people to love me as I went through it. Also to the clear, TheSoonToBeExHusband has done nothing wrong since I left. He’s been an utter gentleman and is completely supportive of me.
This is nothing more than a pure case of my brain eating itself with something needs to be sorted and soon before I crack.
And with that, now I slumber. Until tomorrow.
xoxo,
Lisa
1. #teamharpy: The flurry of activity after the public announcement of the case in mid-September has died down a bit, but two new recent articles in well regarded spaces (one a professional library publication and the other, a oft quoted law blog) has brought a flurry of new support AND haters to the fold. I’ve been laying low on Twitter, even more so after reading the hashtag, as it causes some massive FEELS. In addition to the slagging across Twitter, nina and I are being eviscerated across other social networks (reddit, Facebook groups, blogs, and so forth) on everything from we’re too ugly (her) or fat (me) to get harassed to questioning our mental health (mainly mine). Of course there is always the question of the legitimacy of our complaints with complete dismissal of nina and I as human beings because she’s transgendered and I’m bipolar.
After the first few dozen rounds by anonymous cowards on reddit and blog comments, my skin has grown thick, but the sheer viciousness and regularity still surprises me. What is also interesting is how much of my life is being scrapped from this site, digested, and reframed in an attempt to shame me. Which is kind of hilarious in its own right since I’ve always been brutally honest in the presentation of myself to the world. I have nothing left to lose, I’ve been saying that since the beginning, and yet not a day goes by where someone attempts to be helpful by pointing out I’m mentally unsound because of REASONS. It’s extraordinary the lengths trolls will go through to make their, albeit weak, point when it’s all been right there, in public view, for years. Trolls may be vicious, but they certainly are stupid.
mechanical repetition of previously received ideas or images
Dear Internet,
It’s been, as the youths say, a hella of a week. I have found snatches of conversation happening and it’s interesting how people not in the mix are putting themselves in the mix. My co-conspirator in these matters and I agreed for the time being to not discuss things publicly until we have a final resolution. In short, unless you’ve heard from one of us direct on the matter, doubt the veracity of the comment.
What was kind of hilarious about this coming to light was when I found out, I was minutes away from entering a meeting with a lawyer about another, non-related, legal matter. And my period also started in FULL BLOODY REVENGE.
So yes, it really is all about my vagina. Pay heed to the Mother Earth Goddess for she will fuck shit up.
As I already mentioned earlier this week, my piece in American Libraries came out and I’ve received my first MRA fan mail, and then the usual unfollowing on Twitter by people who thought I was shaming the troll. So, yay for that! I also found out my piece is on the agenda for discussion at the Feminist Task Force meeting happening at ALA in June, which is tres super cool.
The response I’ve been getting has been, other than the obvious trolls, really awesome. I’ve been retweeting all the kind words people have been throwing at me and while I can probably never say this enough: Thank you all for your support.
(As an aside, I found out today some kind anonymous benefactor suggested to my pal Val, who spearheads #ProjectTira, nina and I were deserving of our own tiaras for the good work we’ve been doing. Ironically, Val had just sent me my birthday tiara (see blog image) and now another one is in the works for me. But seriously, go read up on #ProjectTiara, recommend yourself or someone you feel is deserving, or even better, donate to the project! Val is closing in on having sent nearly 100 tiaras in the last few months as the response has been overwhelming. And seriously? I had no idea wearing a tiara could make you feel so powerful. I’m totally okay with using a tool for a clutch right now.)
With so much going on, what this week really showed me was my own strength. I was commenting to a friend at lunch a few days ago not a single person has asked if I knew this was the path that was going to happen, would I have done things differently. The answer immediately came to mind was obviously ” no.”
Said friend said the reason why people haven’t asked that question is because they know me well enough to know I wouldn’t have changed the route I headed on. And I will tell you that pleased me more than punch I could hold true to my faith in what I was doing was right and even with hindsight, I still would have made those same decisions.
This was an important self-confirmation of how I viewed myself internally and what I projected on to the world were both one and the same. Justice and righting the wrongs are becoming my passions and getting external acknowledgement made me secure in that faith what I was doing was right.
I also self-confirmed the value of loyalty within myself. I could have thrown a lot of people under the bus, I could have broken a lot of confidences to save my own ass, but I could not in good conscious do that to the people depending on me.
I remark this because in this past week, people have done this to me without even a blink in a eye. There were many who publicly offered support, but when supported was requested, had a list a mile long of why they couldn’t do it. Even better, people I expected support from didn’t so much as move a fucking inch in either mine or nina’s direction.
That was painful to experience. The whisper network who fueled the fire were the first to fade away. I believed, naively, those holding the match would also have a bucket of sand for the dousing. My own mistake, one I will not make again in the future.
I would have made a shitty lawyer and even a worse politician, but there are ways I’m finally learning how to work the system to get things equalized, even just a little.
I can’t be too entirely boastful. There have been times this week when I wanted to crawl away from everything and just forgot what was going on. I cursed my big mouth and my tenacity to keep asking hard questions expecting them to change the world. I felt myself dip low as mania broke before rising again, but I held on with what I could to make it through. That was hard. Really hard. I grab at anything in desperation to right myself and to push forward. Drawing from this weeks experiences, and my reactions, have made me really proud. I will be holding on to that feeling for as long as I can, for I know I will need to draw from it wholly to live.
xoxo,
Lisa
This day in Lisa-Universe in: 1999