welcome to my world (part duex)

Well, there is a lot to catch up on, namely, the drive here, being back in GR for the last two weeks and all the things in between. I haven’t been real motivated to keep writing, and I don’t know really why.

Right now the world is in a flux as the movers are nearly a week late bringing up my stuff (thought I’ve been spending money like crazy buying things for the apt), my exfiance Danny has decided I’m his Tuesday night fill in (and he hasn’t yet told his roommate/exgf I’m back in town which means I cannot call his place and I can only seem him xxx times/day/whatever). He’s also been hinting about us sleeping together – again and the problem is I don’t know where I stand on that. I know I made the vow of celibacy for a year but I’m making him jump through hoops regardless but I don’t really feel attracted to him anymore. Tonight he said something and I responded in kind about the jumping in hoops and he said “why do i have to?” I said “because it’s different now. I’m not easy lay to get into bed anymore.” And that part is at least true. Not only will one have to provide medical history but one should not expect that based on past experiences that I will simply lay down and open thine legs. I know I have to let him go, I just can’t do it yet.

I feel about as sexual as a turnip right now (oh baldrick!) and the jeans I bought last week are already too fucking baggy (I’m thinking it was a misprint in sizing, same size other pair of jeans are still tight from recent weight gain).

At any rate, things have been very surreal.

But, Pugsley is at a new home, staying with a local friend who has a pug-mix and wanted company for the dog. The girls are dirivng me bat shit with their codependncy, lilly is scratching herself to death thanks to no humidifier and the bowl of water trick is not working too swiftly. My main pc is doing its own little thing and i can’t do squat until my shit gets here. WHich REALLY sucks is that tomorrow (Wednesday) i am going to the college for a campus tour and classes start Monday and my shit is to arrive THIS WEEKEND.

oh boohoo.

confidential to D in VA: Awesome about the peppers! Are they still in the PPG cup i put them in? I figured scuba would not last long with the peppers 😉 I mean. the man has no domestication to him — have you heard about the colors of his new house? 🙂 hehe. I was surprised they had grown one pepper at all — but I’m glad you are taking care of them 🙂


Seven months from today I’ll be 30.

Last night Paul and I watched some tivo’d episodes of “AB Fab” and the one episode where Paul felt would be reflective of me is when Edina turns 40. He says her attitude is very reminiscent of what I’ll be like when I turn 30, or maybe when I do turn 40.

Rob and I had met for lunch yesterday at a Mexican place close to the vet, which timed out very well since I had go pick up Pugsley yesterday afternoon. I love our vet, even if they are nearly 1/2 hour away, they are open on the weekend for neuters. Pugsley returned home minus his balls and five teeth, and I returned home stuffed on Mexican food.

The talk turned to NaNoWriMo and my writing of the novel. Rob got very serious about literary criticism which wholly made me doubt what I had written. So last night for a few hours I went over what I had written and denounced it as such crap, I plan on re-writing it. I had this lovely idea in my head on what I wanted only to discover that I couldn’t finish it at the current state it was going through.

Last night in bed I half-awake mused that if I rewrote the first three chapters and pounded out 5k a words a night, I could finish the novel in 10 days, leaving me nine days of freedom.

Don’t think I won’t do this.


getting started

the month of April has whizzed by pretty quickly and for it weren’t the fact that, well i just lost my train of thought, so there is no fact.

Sam and her husband Brendan came down twice this month, sending Sam and I into the flurry of shopping at Ikea, HomeDepot, and shopping for clothes.

Sam and I are nearly the same height (she’s 5’11 and I’m a smidgen taller) and our bodies are shaped very similar. We discovered that we wore nearly the same size and so i gave Sam a pair of jeans that were small on me but fit me fine. I took her shopping and let her enjoy the wonderment of finding clothes that FIT. We stormed HomeDepot at midnight picking up a level, anchors and an electric screwdriver to hang up cd-racks, shelves and anything else we could get our hands on from our nearly thrice spending sprees at Ikea. And thanks to Sam’s great sense of level and physics, my apartment now rocks.

Our first time setting up the cd-racks and picture frames (that she, of course, hand painted out of sheer boredom and discovered that she loved doing it) were off by quite a few inches. We *thought* it looked level, but her husband came in and looked at the wall and started laughing his ass off (as well as paul) because of the crookedness of the racks and frames. We are now the tool-time girls of Northern Virginia.

I love having Sam and Brendan down here as since they are a couple (and Brendan used to live with Paul many moons ago) and we all get along (there were days way back when when we all did’ not get along.) so well. But I know the drive down here is hard for them (300 miles one way but yet it always turns out to be an all day even for them as something always comes up — you know like Easter weekend traffic!) and I’m attempting to reciprocate by going back up there but scheduling time when we all have time seems to be a conflict. That and we are all lazy 🙂 I would love to go on a vacation with them somewhere new where we can call chill out for a week or so. *hinthinthint*

Rob’s roommate, S., and I got to talking a while back and decided to join weight watchers together (she prefer to be anonymous at this point) and start working out. I’m starting on a journal to get motivated on this. The whole schism of WW is that it’s a point system and you have x amount of points available to everyday. You can bank points and you can exercise points off — but the goal is that it helps people to lose weight and do a new way of thinking. I’m finishing up week 1 and so far (surprise surprise) and I’ve done fairly well for myself. Stayed within my point range and even worked out. The journal will keep a somewhat updated blabbering (I’m using blogger for this one) of the diet, weekly weigh-ins and what not. I’m really really really wanting this as I had promised myself to be thin by the time I turned 30 (which is in a little over a year) and be in shape for the rest of my life before I end up getting diabetes or anything else that runs through my family due to obesity. Yes, I am considered obese — I’m 100lbs over my “target” weight (and that’s at the high end scale). I’m shooting for a goal of 170-180 as being my “goal” weight but I need to take it 10 percent at a time and then work on it from there. I just got overly excited when browsing some online shops like oldnay.com and gap.com as they now carry larger sizes (up to a 20) but by their standards, I’m too big for a 20. which is funny because I can fit into a size 20 at lane Bryant but as S. pointed out, Lane Bryant also sizes up 1/2 size for clothes.

I hated being that inbetween weight a few years back where I had been too big for normal clothes and too small for Lane Bryant. Now the desire to feel and look sexy is far outweighing the eating and the simple ability to want to wear freaking JEANS comfortably is motivating me to do this.

The irony is that S. reminds me a lot of my friend Sherry from back home in Michigan — down to their attitude about certain things. I’ve tried looking Sherry up online and called her last known phone number, but it had been disconnected. She knows how to find me if she really wanted to — but not seeing someone for nearly two years can change a lot about a person.

As the month slowly comes to a close, I’m rushing around getting things together for my brothers 22nd birthday, Paul’s 21st birthday and my upcoming birthday in June (I’ll be 29 going on 22 — again). My father has been in my thoughts more so in these last few weeks as he’s been dead a year on 4/25 and that was with his death my whole anxiety had come unleashed out into the open. Last summer was major hell and I sure as fuck do not plan on going through that same hell again this summer.

Working towards improving something, even yourself, is such hard work. I could see where I slip as I watched paul eat Oreo’s tonight (I had two — which used up quite a few points and opted not to have anymore this evening) and thinking about the strange dreams I’ve been having and wondering what they mean, the smell of the fresh cut grass and feeling the sun burn against my arm as my legs stick to the leather of my car seats. Everything seems to be winding down nicely and everything seems calm for the moment.

Now only if I can get Wednesday (the spayed female pug) to stop mounting and attempting to fuck Lily (the unspayed female pug), my world would be a better place.