At Bay

it’s 1am and i have to be up in several hours to sling coffee for jesus. i cannot sleep and anxiety steals upon me like a thief.

so much is left unsaid, deep in our consciousness. we are so polite and benign to each other that we forgot how to feel. and if we say how we feel, then we are either very good liars or we are faking it.

i look so ridiculous, it’s my own constant source of amusement. my tattooist uses what is called “wrapping” the first few nights you get a tattoo done. Which you do is basically slather Tattoo Goo (or ointment of your choice) and wrap the tat with saran wrap to keep it moist all night long. Please don’t email me about whether or not this is a good practice or not, each artist is different, i understand that. I prefer to use Tattoo goo and any other non-lanolin or non-petroleum based lotion to keep my tats looking black as night.

Because of the precarious position of this new tattoo, wrapping it was a bitch. First, my arms are not long enough to slather the whole tattoo but all but the bottom inch or so, but i try. I then use saran wrap and concoct some sort of half-bra and wrap myself in it. I’m wearing a tank top and sweat shorts both equally of different colors and different patterns. I’m standing, feet apart in my dining room taking deep breaths, keeping the demons at bay.

You should have seen me the summer of 01 when i got my lower back piece done. It was 90 degree heat and high humidity and here I was sleeping in saran wrap.

people say, what are you so stressful about? and you wonder just exactly how much of this is made up bullshit and how much is reality. Panic attacks are like that, it feels so real even though it’s all generated inside your head. I can’t tell you how many times I thought I was having a bloody fucking heart attack only to be told I wasn’t. i wish I had, sometimes, it would make things easier.

Even though I eliminated smoking, the obtuse exboyfriend, got rid of a highly stressful job and moved back home, the attacks have been coming with regularity, mostly around my menses. But they still come like clock work. My world is pent full of anxiety. My fucking dogs are proof of this as they are losing half their fur and Lily is on anti-anxiety meds. I need to fix something and as I get rid of all the bad things, it doesn’t seem to be helping.

I don’t know what it is.
I don’t have a solid answer and perhaps that is the solution to the problem, or at least a proof. Remember geometry? Remember doing proofs? I hated doing them.

The Vegas trip is just over a month away and i’m already getting irritated. most of the people are having commitment issues and Paul made a big stink about “not being invited” which was a load of crap to begin with, then he gets invited then he bows out stating he’s planning something else! Europe is also beginning to get on my nerves as well. People are being kind and offering their homes but then I stress on the whole “how long is enough to stay?” etc. It’s all becoming one big fuck off.

Suddenly everything seems like a fucking hassle. The idea of going to the South of France seems to appeal every day. I’ve been watching french movies and listening to anything french that I can download. I have no idea what they are saying and I think I prefer it that way. Though sometimes I cheat and use babelfish to translate the song titles and then I make up the song lyrics based off of that. I was disappointed to find out that title to one song was basically ‘the wind carries’ — haha. It sounds so much better in french.

i am tired of my unconscious mind.
Does anyone want it?

xx0x0x

ps: My horoscope has been strangely accurate. For 4.18 it said that a out of town trip was going to be postponed or changed. I got a phone call today from United that my flights for Vegas had been all changed around. Coincidence?

Your Daily Horoscope for April 19, 2003

Dear lisa,
Upsetting news that you receive from far away, perhaps through fax or email, could send you into an emotional tailspin. There is, however, an aura of uncertainty about what you hear – it may not make sense. Before you pass the news on or go into a panic, lisa, make sure you know all the facts. You’re likely to find that it’s been blown all out of proportion. In view of this, you deserve an evening out. Go for it!