autumn in virginia

fall has officially fallen upon us.

i can see a joke somewhere in there but I’m too tired to really think about it right now.

i love fall. when i see girls in sweaters and jeans i want to rush home and put on sweaters and jeans too. i love the way the air is crisp and how surreal the world looks against everything. i love the feeling of the wind against my cheeks and how my hands tingle when they get cold. i love the cravings i get for soup, hot cocoa and for chili.

tomorrow i go back to the shrink to start my therapy.

for the last few days I’ve been trying to reconcile things inside me i have not liked nor wanted to admit. many of them too personal for me to even begin to discuss to anyone let alone a public journal. perhaps i am afraid of the outcome, i do not know. i do know that i had gotten myself all riled up on the way home from work today that I sat on the toilet and cried while Paul looked concerned from the shower (naked and wet pauly, mmm).

My life, as we all know it in these last few years, has gone topsy turvy. i keep thinking back to the fall of 1994 when I was entering college for the second time — this time as a full time student. When I made the commitment to myself that this was something I was willing to do, I found that i loved what I was doing. I took the step and joined the paper, I excelled in school and I had friends all over the place. Then things change. And they kept changing.

Does anyone realize how hard being open and honest is. That choices need to be made to make you happy and that you need to make those choices to make yourself happy. But you don’t feel like you are being human, what choices do you have to begin with. Sometimes life is like a shell to me. You go through these emotions day in and day out — but they are not even really emotions, they are just motions. Putting on a brave face pretending to be something you aren’t. Why do people feel like they are so unhappy? Sometimes I wish I knew.

Sometimes I think I watch too much Felicity.
love,
Decadence Tackycake