high and dry

i used to think creating the titles of my entries were the hardest part of writing and now I’m thinking it’s more like the actual intro.

it is hard, you know, to write something and get dialog going within your head and then putting it out on paper (which actually is just bits and bytes since I’m doing this via keyboard and a text editor, and what not).

i honestly don’t know what’s wrong with me and i don’t have sarcastic repartee in my head that gets me going.

i don’t know what’s wrong.

i wish i had the magic eight-ball to shake and say ‘what the hell is wrong with me?!?!’ and get an answer, but life doesn’t’ work out that way and i can’t say that i blame it.

i used to get so wrapped in fantasy from reading books/movies that i used to half think my life was a sitcom where everything got neatly wrapped up in 30 minutes or at the end of the last chapter and that what i was experiencing was merely the epilogue.

and in the interim, I’m on 900mg of lithium, 100mg of Serzone, 200mg of wellabutrin plus i have some anti-psychotic drugs that I’m supposed to use whenever i get angry. Woah, i realised part of today’s issue is that i went down on my Serzone! woo!). But the drugs isn’t the issue, it’s ‘deep seated issues’ i have and why I’m so fucking angry. But here is another thing, I’ve had these ‘deep seated issues’ for forever and a day, and i always felt okay with myself — even if it was ‘deep rooted’, but it was my deep-rooted-ness and i could deal with that, because i still had a personality and it was mine.