in the pink

I’m obsessed with the color pink.

for the last few seasons they have been directing it back to springy pastels and pink always seems to be the color that is in. everywhere i turn, there is some slinky brunette (brunettes are also in this season — have you seen jenny mccarthy recently?) whose wearing some light pink lipstick with this beautiful pink dress (okay, so as you are probably already are aware that i obsess over minnie driver). and i’m standing there, thinking to myself “i can look like that.” and i can. i have pale skin and i HAD dark hair and now i’m a stinking red head.

grumble.

and it fucking figures, i find these awesome shirts while i was shopping yesterday and the only colors i can wear is white OR black because any of the pretty new colors make me look like a washed out ho.

grumble.

i’ve been threatening to re-dye my hair for the last two weeks. i don’t know what made me think i could carry red hair off again — but everyone seems to love it and paul tells me it makes me look that much more beautiful (and who the hell is going to argue with that logic). when my brother was here visiting, i had gone on a rampage and purchased ultra-blue and the red hair dye. four hours later, i walked out of the bathroom, completely changed from bright black hair to bright red hair. and i twitched.

this whole change of hair color was supposed to make me feel better, but within a week i was crying in the kitchen while paul kept telling me that no, i did not look like redneck white trash. but i still cried and went out and bought my usual feria “starry night” and waited. paul convinced me that i should stay red (and i did the usual dance “does this color look good on me”), my brother said so, my friends at work say so. i just look fabulous as a redhead (and this isn’t auburn baby — this is really red). But unfortunately, I got so tied to my gawf hair from hell that it’s hard to let go. maybe if i got it cut — i would feel better.

so i ‘m standing in the middle of a store last night with Sunni, lenny’s wife. i find these neat shirts that i really wanted. they had black, white, checkered lime green, checkered orange, orange, this beautiful pink shirt. i really really wanted to wear that pink shirt. i really wanted to strut around in that pink shirt and black pants and just flip my hair all around. i’ve been feeling very princessy lately.

so i grab a few shirts in a various colors and try them on. obviously the standards black and white look fine. then i try on the pink.

i really really want to wear this shirt.

and i almost started crying in the middle of the dressing room.

i looked like hell. i did not look like the spring bloom that i had envisioned. my hair had completely thrown off the color and i looked like someone had made me look like shit. i felt and looked like hell. i kicked. i screamed. i frightened the ladies at the store.

i really really wanted to wear that damn shirt. however, with my coloring i was forced to buy the black and white shirts. i couldn’t even wear the nifty checkered shirts.

this may seem trivial, but it sucked major ass. i’ve always felt that i was behind the times in clothing styles (though i’ve been told that i’m more hip than hip — and they are hip. let me tell you) but yet i’m not. okay this sounds really girlish (Queen Latifah rocks) but I’ve always fought with this inner thing inside of me. part of me wants to be the queen of cutting edge fashion, thin, beautiful, well loved and like. the other side of me wanted to be like this uber gawf queen with the balls to wear vinyl and pvc with no problems and not giving a damn about what people thought. i keep finding myself caught between these two rocks without a middle man to call home.

all because i wanted to wear this stupid pink shirt.

i’m not sure what got me on this special tangent, but the thing is majority of my clothes are black OR gray OR brown. the smattering of color i have looks good on a brunette but not on a redhead. and i’m sick of looking like the goff queen. it sucks. i’m tired of it. i prefer black hair, it looks better with clothing, i think i look better. but everyone loves me in red and gee, i’m going to have buy a new wardrobe to go with this color.

i’m just kidding.

that pink shirt though symbolizes a lot to me. it symbolizes how i am at one point and i want to be another. i will have that pink shirt, if is the last thing i will do.