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the last few weeks i’ve been having these thoughts about people i knew/grew up with/worked with. first it started with shelly and i trying to find the number to our friend Josh.

josh and i were best friends throughout high school, and as we got older, we slowly started to drift apart. it was sad, and a lot of our other mutual friends in our group were concerned about my reaction to losing him as we grew up, dated and basically started making lives for ourselves.

i used to say “well, i don’t miss him anymore.”, and truth be told, i do. but the funny thing is, i don’t miss anything about my past life in grand rapids, mi. and then i will stumble upon something and i start having heart palpitations all over again.

but when those feelings start coming up again, i actually start getting homesick. it makes me want to throw away everything i have here in san francisco, and move back to what is familiar.

sherry, josh, shane, rick, sunshine, sky, shelly, alan, danny, boobie, anthony, carl, greg, aaron, todd, eric, adam & sloth, jennifer & jeff, clyde, fernando, dani : the list is endless of people i knew or hung out with. but the funny thing is, the more i start to think about ‘home’, the less i can remember of it. i try to think about what it was like in the winter, and what it was like during the summer. the things we did, the fun we had. the clubs we went to, the parties we threw, the shows we went to see. it’s all this black void that i can’t seem to drum up anymore.

i was thinking how no matter where i was, i would always be ‘me’. this persona i’ve held dear to my heart. that i would never change, not one iota, because i wanted to keep the things that made me happy close to my heart.
i found, that reflecting back on people i know and how i was around them, that i did change. and changed a lot. my perception of the world, and what i know around me has changed my own outlook. the things i thought i would never catch myself doing (drinking wine is a big example), and the change in my own ideas (in a quasi-five some) startle me when i actually think about them. when i think about what it would have been like if I would have stayed, this is what i drum up:

  • married to danny
  • living in some nice house in the ‘good’ part of town
  • pregnant / have kids
  • being a homemaker

some would say “now that doesn’t sound like such a bad thing”, and to be honest, some people would be happy having that. Personally though, i’ve never saw myself as being that centered in one place. it’s too foreign and too normal. i can’t see myself running after rugrats and cleaning up after my husband all day long. it just isn’t me.

charmed, i’m sure
since justin wasn’t feeling well (and when isn’t he), we decided to forego having dinner with Edward and Karl, and stay at home. This is our same old same old game plan, and watched ‘dawsons creek’, ‘charmed’, and ‘south park’. man, was south park funny tonight or what? it sure as hell doesn’t beat last weeks with cartman being a five dollar hooka from vietnam. but it was still pretty. but, that doesn’t matter, because:

I’M GOING TO GO SEE R.E.M.!!!

oh god, you have no idea. i’ve loved r.e.m. for something like 10 years! going back to document. when i heard they were playing for the bridge school benefit (along with phish, sarah m., bare naked ladies), i was I HAVE TO GO NOW! but the word on the streets was that the tickets were hard to get, and sold out. nerp. i checked bass tickets and they had released tickets in both general and reserved seating.

god!

you have no idea what this feels like. tomorrow i’m going to drag my rem cd’s with me and torture everyone i know to listen to them. i’m just too too happy about going to go see them. finally!