miss me?

It’s been 10 days, 23 hours and 55 minutes since I’ve done an entry. 🙂 (I just love time stamping!)

Depression is a sickness.

For the better part of this period, I had been living in a fugue state of depression. it’s cycle reared it’s ugly head once again as i was struggling to keep from falling apart. many things always seemingly contribute to my depression. whether it will be a slight weight gain, change in diet, love life status, or anything else in between. Saturday the 15th, justin, michael and i had gone driving down route 1, and frolicked among the beaches towards Santa Cruz. that night, distraught over not having met my friends in time to go to the bar, i came home and hurriedly took a shower and got dressed. when one of my favorite skirts started feeling tight, i pouted and ripped my clothes off, put on sweats which threw me into a state of depression. justin was perplexed, his answer was “wear something else”, but if your a girl, and like me have a ton of clothes, one item not fitting is enough to make you go batty.
sunday afternoon, i suddenly felt immensely better.

the onslaught of my period makes my depression go away, for the most part. i have found correlations between pms and my depression, and when i was on the pill, i was able to pinpoint exactly when the depression was coming and how to best prepare myself.

but it’s exasperating, at best, to always be in this constant state of flux. i hate dealing with it, and i hate feeling so damn helpless. when a piece of clothing throws you off your rocker, it’s serious.
some would say it was time for me to do something about it, and i do agree. what that something is i can’t quite figure out. seeing a therapist for the most part isn’t logical: i find them to be more voyeurs than helpful. i don’t feel comfortable seeing someone on such a regular basis, when i feel that my depression can fluctuate so much.