penderbrook ho’

today was damn strange.

first derrick calls up and wants to go to 7-11, which ended up with us going to tower records (i’ve dropped more money at tower than i would care to think about), 7-11, subway, gas station, 7-11 again. Yes, we went to two separate 7-11s. Why you may ask? BECAUSE THE FIRST ONE DIDNT HAVE COKE SLURPEES! i mean, coke slurpee is the STAPLE of my diet. and how could they NOT carry it? It’s like when dayan and i were driving from Atlanta on route 58 cross the bottom of Virginia and saw a 7-11 beckoning in the distance. We were both craving slurpees like a mofo, had to pee and i was running out of smokes. And you know what? The damn store was CLOSED! Dan was lucky enough to be a guy and take a whiz behind the garbage cans, but, i had to wait till i got to our destination. and it was raining. did i mention that part?

i need to stop with the non-sequiturness (if there is such a word).

[I had tried to convince Derrick that I needed to go to Safeway, but that was a no go.]

Later on in the evening, Corey IM’s me and says that he needs motivation for him to go shopping. I said sure. I wanted out of the house. It was beautiful today (damn 82 degrees out while it was snowing last weekend) and I wanted to pick up a few things I couldn’t get earlier. That was another trip where i came lugging more crap upstairs (flowerflowerflowers) for Paul to make dinner.

I was beginning to feel like the standoff girlfriend: someone that single guys want to do stuff with without having a real girlfriend (i mean, paul supplies all my needs. heh) so they don’t have to do anything special. It was just funny to me (i guess you had to be there) that i could get anyone to go to the store with me other than Paul.

morning of the 17th
it’s somewhat early morning of the 17th and after sleeping for only about three hours (if that!), i’m finding that i’m not all that tired. i had just gotten out of the shower and had some extra time so update we go.

i loved last night.

after everyone had left, and i was getting frustrated trying to work out more stuff (verbosity, another journal i’m doing a kick off, another project, paul’s taxes, etc.); paul and i had hit the sack at around 3am. paul was laying in bed while i was folding laundry and putting it away when paul asked me “why do you act different around me than you do when you are alone?” i didn’t know what he had meant, honestly (though i did have some vague idea) and asked him to explain. he said that i had two routines: pauly routine (when i’m around him) and lisa routine (when i’m with other people or when i’m alone). he said it was like this fine line that i cross when i’m around him that provoked me to eat, walk, read and do different things than when i was alone. i had never really thought that i was actually changing myself when i was around him but after he gave a few specific examples, i could see how he could see that.

after folding his tshirts and putting them away, i climbed into bed and we talked until nearly dawn about me, our relationship, compromise, and other fun stuff. i love it when we talk like this. i know paul’s big worry is that i don’t open up to him (and this is true as i’ve realised with him that i guard myself well) and that all the things that make life enjoyable between two people i was missing out on. i could see his point and felt something click inside. for you see, as much as paul and i banter and argue (and people fear it when we get angry with each other — really), i can’t imagine opening up to everyone else but him. it’s strange for me to think, that we are going to get married and that i’ll soon meet his parents. the big deal when i’m around him, and the part that he maybe doesn’t understand, is that i feel incredible vulnerable when we are together. since we live and play together, i can see why in a way i was feeling so depressed in the last few weeks. the reality that this is coming true keeps smacking me in the face and instead of enjoying the time i have with him, i’m making myself more miserable in the process with thoughts and ideas that don’t really belong here. there is no way i would give paul up. it’s just not happening.

i realize now that one of the things that i as a person have to work on is joining the two routines together and making them one. i had explained to paul last night that one of the nicknames i had acquired in high school was “chameleon” due to the fact that i could blend in and change without seeming phoney. it was not something that i did consciously, it just happened. paul pointed it out more so when he noticed that my musical tastes had changed from more indie/industrial to power pop (which, in my behalf isn’t true. the eels, lincoln, belle and sebastian, also guster tend to fall into the indie range than power pop, but i’m sure dayan would disagree). i had argued that Travis sounded much like radiohead and echo and the bunnymen than power pop.

moving right along with the point here, love takes work. i don’t know who cooked up the idea that love was everything roses and easy to understand and simple, but it’s not. it takes work for two people to make an honest go of a relationship and figure out what they want from each other. i expressed a lot of fears last night to him, concerns and worries that came from both sides about where this relationship is going that i hadn’t felt like discussing with him until he brought up. i know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that paul is the one for me. it’s just a hard fact to swallow (though when he had said this, i mentioned coyly that he wasn’t hard to swallow).

waiting for bob
on that note, my friend doug does the writing for a really good comic called waiting for bob. they did a poll last week on what was the worse thing about the 80s and i got mentioned on their front page for my email that stated “everything about the 80’s ruled. you are all smoking crack”.

doug and i want to know if anyone has made it over from WFB to me, so if you have, can you drop me an email and let us know.

and one final note:
the most popular place on my site is the pr0n section.

damn pervs.

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lisa