1999 – Page 5 – A Most Unreliable Narrator

why

“never tell anyone anything, you’ll end up missing them.”
— quote on the halfshell from Catcher in the Rye
i’ve come to the conclusion i’ll never understand people.
ever.
there will be something that will continue to elude me for as long as i live. no matter how empathetic i can get or how on target my perceptions are, people will always remain a puzzle to me.
pawly was right when he said that not baring all was good — too much information was a disastrous thing.
i think my problem is, that for once i wanted normalcy and i got —
i can’t say a bad thing. because more was given to me in the last few months than i remember in a long time. but that doesn’t mean i still know why.
tonight i spent a considerable amount of time pacing the floors and banging my head against the wall wanting a cigarette. bean kept telling me, if i got through this, during this crisis (today has been the day from hell) i would get through all. i would be okay and that i could survive this. justin kept telling me the same damn thing as i cried and begged for ONE cigarette.
the smell of smoke was all around the house, making me sick, but i wanted a fucking cigarette.
and the world should know i decided to eat dinner first and not smoke or go to the store.
so i’m still holding clean.
you walk in, just like smoke
with a little c’mon c’mon c’mon
in your walk, c’mon
i’ve been waiting
are you waiting
for my move
i’m making it
you move me
you do
like i’ve never been done before
you don’t even know
what you do to me

the sad part is that sometimes we will allow our own pride to take precedence over anything else because of fear. and i realize that while a lot things always change, the same things remain the same.
i’ve been smoke free for almost four days now.
i at least have that.
and katchoo and Francine.
but katchoo was a smoker —
SHUT UP! she was also a lesbian! well she didn’t like men. speaking of which, i need to get the latest issues. i’m so behind.
lisa-fan: “heh… i took a picture of you, and pasted it into after dark the other day… so now i have you bouncing across my monitor during the day… it’s pretty relaxing… :)”
i already miss.
i’m so pathetic. aww well. my fault for hoping.
on the half shell
Within the last week i:

bought a ticket to Memphis
quit smoking
got unwanted house guests (who i can’t stand to begin with)
got accepted to Western Michigan U
lost 5lbs.
watched my best friend get proposed to and then jilted at the alter.
fall on my ass literally
become a raving psychopathic lunatic

I don’t know what’s going on. All I do know is that I keep driving people away. One minute I am “fine” and the next minute i’m a psychotic and depressive, accusatory and pushy. i’m defensive and i’m gonna end up having people hate me.
fast and easy
why is it, that everytime i get motivated to write in this damn thing, it always ends up being 6:28am and somehow or another the last 1/2 hour has been fritted away somewhere. then i say, i’m going to pick this back up at work and then i find i can’t because my train of thought has already disappeared.
funny that, for the last hour i had five different entries of things i wanted to write about this morning and now i’m getting writers block.
is this how a man feels when having sex?
my teeth are coated in sugar. remind me to never ever eat 1/2 bag of jolly ranchers again.
it’s been over 48 hours since i’ve quit smoking, officially. though it’s day three.
I feel like i REALLY owe an apology to a lot of people out there. i won’t name names but, i’ve been treating you rather shitty the last few days. I’m sorry. You gotta understand that the ONLY crutch i’ve had in the last 10 years has been cigarettes and i’ve kicked those to the curb. I never really thought about it, till they were gone, how much psychologically i needed them. How much I associated them with different rituals of my life. It’s scary. I go to grab for a cigarette and find that it’s not there! Woah.
I’m sorry. I’m really really sorry for being moody and paranoid and being a basic pain in the ass. I’m really sorry if I bit your head off, became defensive or picked fights with you. I’m really sorry for being so just damn icky these last few days. I haven’t liked it either, trust me.
guess what. It’s time for worksie!

you are SUCH my bitch

i hate feeling right.
or something.
remember long ago when you would meet someone and you would like them, like, almost instantly. and things clicked really hard between the two. time goes on and you find that you’ve become almost, not obsessed, but, engulfed with that person. and then you’ve changed how you react to that person. and this has nothing to do with liking the person, because you really really like them, but it has everything to do with your immortal soul.
i was thinking of all the relationships I’ve been in and things that have been coming and going in my own life. I’ve been wiggin’ out for the last few days, I’m sorry. i think some people are beginning to wonder if me quitting smoking is really all that grand of an idea. the cravings weren’t so bad today, but, it’s been less than two days, bear with me.
anyway.
i was thinking of how once people get to the point in their head and their comfortable with themselves and they like where they are at. and sooner or later, once they get comfortable and find themselves in a place to be a relationship, they don’t want a relationship. or they are scared. or they freak out internally.
i can always see the signs coming. I’m so used to it by now, that it’s become second skin. first it’s the missing of the cute little nicknames or emails. and the teasing suddenly gets to be wholly defensive. you find that everything you say suddenly is scrutinized. and if you ask them what’s going on, they tell you it’s nothing, they are feeling fine — what’s YOUR problem. so you say okay, because you want to believe them right? I mean, that’s what you want to believe. because they wouldn’t treat you so shabbily.
but then you notice you’re not talking as much anymore and that when you do talk the content is somewhat stunted and slow. you find you no longer have anything to say because you are SO damn paranoid about what your going to say. then you notice that you just don’t talk anymore and then it becomes nothing. they were just this person that you met.
but see, the thing is, I’ve talked to people after that last stage, and it’s ALWAYS the same damn answer: i was scared. scared of what? scared that i would fall in love/jump off of a cliff/lose myself/lose my identity. it always becomes this almost necessant NEED to follow those same steps. and later on down the road, all the damn wondering of what’s going on or what could have BEEN gets to you and so the next person you meet you deal with and it’s okay. your fine. and or maybe they aren’t that intense or exciting or whatever and so you just go with the flow this time because it’s easier.
gash, I’m babbling such non-sense.
i’ve been going around the office going “i don’t want a cigarette, right?” and everyone has been “yep, you don’t want a cigarette.”
I WOULD KILL SOMEONE FOR A CIGARETTE RIGHT NOW!!!!!
I just re-read what I wrote — and you know what, I know most of that is true. But you know, if someone (anyone really) can’t well.
LISA IS WIGGIN OUT!!
god, i don’t know what’s wrong with me. for the last two days i’ve been feeling WEIRD.
Lisa: I forget why I’m quitting.
Bean: because you don’t want to sound like a carpet cleaner when you’re 40.
Oh yeah.
well duh.
You see, Bean quit smoking over a month ago. And has been using wellbutrin to take the edge off.
I have not been using any drugs, stimulants or even books.
I just went cold turkey.
21.5 hours
Since I’ve had a cigarette.
I told Justin that this was going to get damn annoying: me announcing every time I looked at the clock since the last time i had a cigarette. he said that was okay.
but.
please don’t congratulate me yet on quitting. wait till it’s been a few days or a week or something. this IS the longest time I’ve gone without a cigarette, but, i don’t want to give false hope to anyone least of all to myself.
but I know I can do this!
My horroscope told me to be humble and so I’m being humble! Actually it said “Humble yourself by taking public transportation or doing laundry.”
Uh, hello here.
I just did laundry yesterday so BITE ME!
rituals
the one thing i spoke about was the rituals of smoking and that is what I’m going to miss. see, like right now, it’s early in the morning (depending on your view point — it could be late at night), and I’m drinking cawfee. if i was smoking, i would have a smoke burning in the ashtray next to me. just the smell would be enough some times. but see, even then i would let cigarettes just burn out without even touching them.
i told justin i was going to get kicked out of the artists community because i was no longer a smoker. he said writers don’t have to smoke. i said “uh, what about my whole dream of being that husky voiced alcoholic slut sitting at the end of the bar with the 10 best sellers behind me.” he said “oh yeah.”
it’s all about image.
really.
smoking has been a good part of my life for over 10 years. if not longer. i was a young innocent maiden when i started smoking and now I’m a.. 🙂
24 HOURS! YEAH! BABY!
go lisa, get your groove on. it’s your birthday. do the cabbage path. oh yeah.
I’d like to thank the academy and my producer and the director for being so great!
Oh wait, wrong speech.
shuffle shuffle
Actually, I have a lot to say on this subject 🙂 The people who encouraged me. My inspiration. And you know — it’s time for me to go to work! So, I’ll pick this back up at work kids.

will of steel

I’ve quit smoking.
and every once of will power that i own is forcing me to keep my ass to the seat. you see, right about now would be the time i would be outside with Matt or someone else enjoying the view of 2nd street and enjoying a Virginia slim ultra light menthols.
and instead, I’m sitting here chomping on gum that’s getting stale pretty quickly thinking that I’m ghetto girl.
and I’m trying really hard to do this.
because you see, no one believes that i can do it.
i thought i had smoked my last cigarette last night, but i found a pack in the bottom of my bag. for the last time, i had a smoke when i took justin to BART this morning. It’s been five hours. And the day is dragging on ridiculously slow. I took the tin of unfiltered gawth sticks that danny gave me and left them on Shmoo’s desk. Too much temptation for me.
Five hours. May not seem like much, but, for me, with smoking I’ve already had about five for the day. one when i got up, one or two on the way to work, one on break, etc. you get the point. You see, I know if I don’t think about it, I won’t feel the craving as badly, because that’s how I deal being around non-smokers. Like, if I’m dating someone who doesn’t smoke, I would hardly smoke around them and by not thinking about it i was able to go for hours without having on.
i read somewhere that quitting smoking is HARDER than quitting heroin or any other controlled substance. right now I’d rip out someone’s throat for a cigarette.
hi 🙂
deep breath.
(I’m trying really hard not to think about it, so please bear with me).
There are a lot of reasons why I’m quitting. I think the thing that pushed me over the edge was when i saw myself on cam a few days ago, and the person i saw on the cam was not attractive to me. And I’m not talking about physically either (cos well, I’m damn cute!) but the cigarette just seemed — icky.
back when i was in college, heather something or another, one of the OpEd editors on the paper said she couldn’t imagine me NOT smoking. and it was the same from everyone i knew. it seemed that my attitude towards everything including having a cigarette hanging out of my mouth, which i most often did.
but a lot of things have changed, especially with me. I’ve always disliked people with vices.
it’s been 11 hours since a cigarette.
today has drawn by ridiculously slow and almost saline filled. i’ve been feeling like i’ve been swimming in mud. nothing is making any sense and nothing is coming out right. mike thought i was depressed. and i’m not really. i’m not SAD just mopey. but i can’t find the differences between the two even though i told him that there were differences. and i feel so blah, but there isn’t anything to be blah about!
i think it’s just the death of an era if you ask me. lisa and smoking is kinda like rice and beans — they always go together.
i think that is what subconsciously i’ve been thinking about: that things are changing. all around me. I know i’m not making any sense right now, mike thought that i had gotten loopy. just, i can’t explain it. you quit smoking and your whole life changes!
or something.

quickie

as it would figure, time is my enemy. i’ve spent the last 20-25 minutes trying to get things situated so that i could write a quickie chronicle. but then i wasn’t able to route, my web pages were coming up slower than molasses in January and i had to fix the font face on the cam page. i’ve been up for almost an hour and the only thing i’ve been able to accomplish is getting Justin off to BART.
but hey, i found my cell phone in my car. and here i thought i had lost it.
i’m in a strange mood. a shelled up mood, if you will. the night before last, christine showed up from Texas and her and her daughter are staying with us. add in Charlie’s friends coming over and the house is too damn full. there are already four of us that live here, and while i generally don’t mind people being over (look at the people i’ve had come over) for the last couple days i’ve felt like Greta Garbo “I vont to be alone”. i don’t have privacy and it’s driving me mad.
mike says it’s because i can’t get naked on the cam for him.
ha, yeah right. the way i’ve been feeling about my body lately, ain’t no one seeing me naked — let alone cartoon boy.
this past saturday, i had made two great accomplishments for lisa.

I went to the movies alone.
I went to a party alone.

i had, never ever, done those things before and taking myself out on a date (if you will) seemingly seared my independence even more so.
i’m also into chapter two of my book. but i won’t talk about that. bad ju ju.
the other thing i have never done alone before was go to a bar. i remember mike and i talking about this way back when we first met on-line and i remember him quipping that if we should ever meet, he was going to throw me out of the car door and into the nearest pub. alone.
every single time i’ve gone somewhere publicly, i’ve always gone with someone. however, i have gone to dinner by myself and that isn’t a big deal. Someone i used to be friends with said he admired me for going out alone — that by default people are social creatures and i had the chutzpah to do it solo.
i’m not feeling anything other than BLAH with a capital b (woooo pretty).
i’ve also begun to obsess about my body worse then usual lately. mix in with justin telling me how freaking beautiful i am is driving me mad. that whole “christ, i’m fat” routine that i thought i had kicked my ass out of a long time ago. but i’ve become obsessed with my body and have increased working out and eating better. the fucked up thing (wouldn’t you know) is that the damn scale isn’t showing any improvements at all! no weight gain and hence no weight loss.
and i really hate my hair.
i don’t know why i’m in such a funk as of late — i was doing fine earlier this week and now it’s just plummeted.
i really hate feeling insecure.
i’ll be back later, i have to go do 60 crunches before i jump in the shower.

bedhead

that scary person to your left is me, after waking up on 6.18.99. I spent the morning paying bills by phone before heading to work. i heard it through the rumor mill that some people have a thing for sleepy femmes and bedheads.
I’m His Slave
So my copy of Afghan Whigs Congregation arrived today. Is it me, or is our mail delivery person a LITTLE too cheery? For the last few days I’ve been home when she’s delivered packages and she’s a little too giggly to be a mailman. But anyway, I’m trying to decide if I dig this cd right now or not. Admittedly, I own quite a few Whigs stuff. But not everything. The other day I was at ebay.com and saw a HUGE ass listing of Whigs stuff. I almost choked. I wanted it all. But one of my major problems is that I spend WAY too much money on-line on crap I really don’t need. But anyway, I’m digressing. So, my obsession with Greg Dulli and Afghan Whigs — where it began and where it is:
By Lisa M. Rabey, ESQ.
I remember back in 1994 or so, I was working at this high falutin junk jewelry store called Accessory Place (if you know of Claires, it was like that but more upscale). Anyway, I was in college and working there and working at Harmony House (a record sto’). And I would go clubbing at The Orbit Room, primiarly on Wednesday nights for Alternative A-X. I also went on Friday/Saturday nights to Jimmy’s, 54th Street, Sundays was at Magoo’s. But ANYWAY, I keep digressing.
So, it’s 1994, and I remember driving to work one day and hearing “Debonair” and I thought “OHHHHHHH!” obsess obsess obsess. I recall sitting at home on Sunday nights watching 120 Minutes (before it became shit. music stopped being good after 1994) and saw the video for that and Gentlemen, and was instantly in lust with Greg Dulli. But, at the time i was hella poo’ and my cd collection was less than 20.
Fast forward a few years later and it’s 1996-97. I met my friend James on-line and we got to talking and he was telling me how one of his favorite bands was Afghan Whigs — and I was like “ohh yeah — I like them.” Of course, I was only familiar with stuff from Gentlemen which was their “breakout” release. He sent me the lyrics to my curse saying they fit me to a T. He was right.
So, it’s 1998 and James moves from Florida to the Bay Area. We hook up and he tells me that the Whigs are going to be in concert. My friend Jen from work is a Whigs fan as well, so we went and checked out Greg and Co. at The Fillmore, and it was lust at first sight, lemme tell you.
we fought our way to the front and all night i sat there, drooling on James’ shoulder (he’s a short fuck) watching Greg prance around in a fedora and a boa. His lyrics are sublime and sensual, he’s got attitude, he’s funny, he’s — short. BUT HEY! that’s alright! I can deal. he’s one of the VERY few men who i would let slide by (sorta speak). I immediately bought 1965 and fell in love. really. It was then I started thinking about who i was and what i wanted from life. This was PASSION. This was DRIVE. This was AMBITION. This was HOW I WANTED TO ALWAYS FEEL.
I played the cd religiously, getting Darryl hooked on it on the morning commute. I would throw the cd in, crank it, and for the long commute sing loud and strong while caressing the steering wheel. Darryl is so lucky he is gay. I would have been mackin’ on him left and right. darryl fell in love and i got him a copy of Gentlemen and planned on burning him a copy of 1965, but somehow i’m not smart enough to figure out how to burn music on my stupid Crapintosh at work. It’s appropriately named Imhotep. hehe.
And there you have it. I’ve been buying, when I can, music left and right that they have produced. Mike told me that Greg did the vocals for the soundtrack for BackBeat and I immediately had to get that. Can’t let anything get away from me. The funny thing is, that for the single of 66 that they just recently released, they do a cover of Hole’s “Miss World”. It’s kinda funny — and sorta sucks. But I’m SOOOOOOOOOO in love with their remix of 66. It’s so damn NUMMY!
But there you have it. Jonathan wonders why I’m always quoting AW lyrics, honkyfoo thinks I’ve been hitting the crack pipe, Mike thinks i’m obsessed, James just nods his heads and smiles. Darryl just asks me to burn him more copies. And I dream of a husky voice that can shake it like THAT! and hairy bellys too, but that’s another story.
obsessions part deux
as you may have figured out, i have obsessions about things. sometimes it’s about people other times it’s about material stuff. here is a list of what’s keeping me occupied recently:

afghan whigs: (well duh)
darth maul: I know own the following darth maul crap: legos, body wash, watch, lip balm, two posters, 8 inch figurine, gimme MORE!
imhotep: the evil priest from the mummy.
SIP: i’m both katchoo and Francine. how cool is that?
Judybats: they are back together! yah! they broke up when Alan and i did — now they are back together — well sorta. jeff heiskell (the lead singer) has new backing band — but paul noe is with the nevers who i might see in nashville! how rad is that!
venti mocha fraps: buy me one and i am yours forever.
my new purse: this things rocks. i’ve been wanting something like it since I saw that insipid movie Hope Floats. And I’ve been searching high and low for it. The closest I came was various stores that carry magnetic poetry lunch boxes. And for 25 bucks it wasn’t worth it, considering how flimsy it was. So then a few weeks ago, I was out doing the girl thing, and saw at the beneFIT counter that small trunk. It was PERFECT size and perfect price too. Anytime I go somewhere that might sell something similar to it, the cashier always try’s to sell it BACK to me. I have open it up to show off all my junk because no one believes it’s my purse. 🙂
Flowers: My birthday has come and gone now but that doesn’t mean I still have stopped getting flowers. I got so many flowers at work that I started sneezing and developed some sort of hay fever action. But the flowers are damn lovely. My father, who I thought forgot my birthday, sent me a dozen roses which arrived today. he’s a week late, but, better late then never I would suppose. He even remembered how old I was. I was sort of impressed.

Cam it baby!
As we all know, I occasionally run a cam from both work and home. The home cam hasn’t been on for nearly a month and the work cam I have been very sparodic in showing. There were a few technical difficulties (mainly that i haven’t fscked with linux enough to get it going — and i’ve been dallying in winders recently) and that i’ve been bored with it, but it came back up due to recent requests.
so guess who went and got a cam (not, by any means, and easy task for this person to do)?
last night i spent about 30 minutes attempting to tech support via phone to get it running — when it finally did it was some weird geeky strange virtual date. i showed them my crib, they should me theirs. i got silly and started showing body parts (this is my belly button — this is my knee). i stopped before i ended up disrobing on cam. NOT HAPPENING BUD! lemme tell you. showed ’em my RAD JudyBats posters and my kick butt flocked Darth Maul poster (they want — but I don’t give it up that easy). It was, a lot of fun. About five hours later, we called it a night and respectively went to bed — separated by a few thousand miles of dirt.

NP: Catherine Wheel – Black Metallic — from Ferment.
This damn song always makes me cry.

love is the answer (i’m gonna voodoo u)
recently, there has been a rash of lisa-fanatics. yeah sure, people like my stuff — but this is different, this is like, people who want to DATE me and shit.
and frankly my dears, it’s scaring the shit out of me.
and it’s not like some piece of email radomly sent my way (ie: “Lisa I must have you — it must be so.”) — it’s more like, REAL PEOPLE TELLING ME that they like like me. And it’s always frightened me, especially when it’s not returned back. i appreciate that you think i’m a crazykindajazzy chyk and stuff — but, please, i’m not interested.
i always seem to be everyone’s favorite ex-girlfriend (read EX) but i’m telling you, you don’t want me. i’m neurotic, manic depressive, megalomaniac, obsessive, anal retentive, bitchy, and i have ISSUES MATTERS AND CONCERNS! i’m a handful. i’m NOT worth the effort or the investment for a relationship. i’ll only break your heart because i will never be what you want me to be or i’ll be too much for you to handle. i’ll disappoint you, trust me. i’ve been down this road TOO MANY TIMES. and the other problem is if i did like you and i invest a lot into you, you’ll end up crashing on me. and i won’t do that again. EVER.
so, please, i won’t make you happy — trust me on this. just go find someone more your speed that will love you for you, because i’m not that girl. i’ve got an ex-bf i live that is driving me mad as it is, i don’t need more people to complicate my life.
the end.
x0x0x0x0x,
moi

19 Days

It’s official.
I have my ticket for Memphis. I’m leaving in 19 days to go see UofMemphis (Lisa, we KNOW you aren’t going to Memphis just for the school!). Yeah — well — that’s my story and I’m sticking to it! 🙂
The fucked up part is that I’ve been tracking things via lowestfare.com and found a price of 318.00 bucks round trip for the flight. So I go to website to purchase the tickets today, and the price gets jacked up to 475 bucks! What?!?! So I check and found out that yeah, they get the cheap prices, but then they jack up the price for “airport fees” and such. FUNK THAT! God. The man has been out to get me this past week, lemme tell you. So I call a few airlines, get a special deal and plunk down my Visa. Got the fax confirming flights when I got to work. 🙂
you move me
you do me, like I’ve never been done before
you don’t even know
what you do to me
c’mon and do it to me
dontcha stop!
I just can’t get 66 out of my head. GASH! 🙂 This is sounding too saccharine. I’ve been walking around for the last month with a smile on my face. everyone is noticing it in the office, i can’t stop grinning and i can’t stop laughing. i don’t know what is coming over me, but i hope it never stops.
I’m sitting here giggling like an idiot.
down with the man!
this week has been weird in many ways. i was talking to whatshisname the other day about money. I hate that word. it’s a four letter word to me. anyway, so i checked my checking account and found i was in the hole. What the fuck!! So find out, a credit card I thought I had cancelled still charged me anyway. I call the company and find out that the fee is NON-REFUNDABLE! WHAT THE HELL! That was 89 bucks I didn’t need to spend. To make matters even worse, I checked and found out my car tags for california is a hefty $350 bucks. Um, hello where? Do I look like I’m made of money? Find out that 250 of that is for “vehicle and registration fee”. Goddamn! No one used lube on me this week. So respectively, nearly 400 bucks is already gone to things I didn’t count on. I hate HATE california.
Okay, I give up. I’m in too good of mood to be angry. I’m in a too good of mood to do anything right now. So, seeing as I’m at work, I’m going to go fuck off for awhile. 🙂
x0x0x0x0x0x
cheeks-the wonder girl!

7:37am

I was lying on my stomach this morning and thought I heard an angel calling my name. “Lisa…..Lisa…..Lisa”
It suddenly dawns on me that Cat is here. I jump up and throw open the bathroom window. It’s 7:25am. I check the alarm and it’s turned off. Shit! Cat calls Scott and goes to pick him up. I make cawfee. I get this idea in my head and decide that being late for work isn’t that bad of a thing.
irony
i’m sitting crosslegged in my chair, thinking about delicious irony. See, yesterday afternoon I had scheduled an appointment with planned parenthood. my appointment was at 3pm. Since the appointment was short notice, i had to reschedule a lot of things around it. no biggie. i run the hell out of the office, go to the parking lot to grab my car gasp! it’s boxed in! car attendant moves said vehicle out of my way, jump on the highway, drive over the bridge — and get stuck in the traffic jam from hell. Usually, the 580 exchange getting off the bridge is fine — it’s clear and i can zip through. It took me over 20 minutes to drive what would take me 2 minutes. I whip out the cellular phone, call PP and make another appointment for next week.
Once I get home, I realized something.
I had started my period.
First time in over 6 1/2 months.
I start laughing and say out loud “Only Lisa can make this happen. She makes an appointment to PP, can’t make it, and gets her freaking period.”
I talk to myself a lot. Nothing to worry about. 😉
cocktails for two
the big thing that has been going on with me lately is pimpin’ cupid. It started out as a joke and now i’m getting emails to all my weird accounts that i never thought anyone would use, telling me that someone likes me. but the jist of it is, is that i’ve listed all those i like back and it’s not making any matches. (Well, okay it made a few matches — but not all of them!) And now, someone sent me a virtual cocktail to my work account — not even signed! ARGH! I hate barcardi. and whiskey. the smell reminds me of my father who is an alcoholic. when i drink, i drink only Absolut or Skyy vodka OR hefeweisen beer. Remember that. 🙂
time enough for love
emails have been rolling in about my discussion yesterday about love, relationships and cheating. hell, the article has only been up for less than 12 hours and i’m already making a new one. regardless though, this is on my mind and if nothing, i am intent on making sure that i drive the point home.
yesterday i had spoken about polyamory and never really got into my thoughts on this. see, for a long time i believed that polyamory was the way to go because by default humans were not monogamous. i will save you the argument i have prepared for that reasoning but one of the reasons that i had for this thinking was that i knew it was not impossible to love more than one person at a time.
i’ve been down that road, being in love with two people at once, and let me tell you, it’s’ hard. it’s hard when both of them love you back. it’s not a matter of indecision — quite the contrary — it’s the matter of that both offer you something that the other cannot.
and for awhile, polyamory served in many ways monogamy cannot.
now, just because i was in love with them doesn’t mean that i’m sleeping with them. I need to drive this point home. It bothers me that people assume that if you are dating someone or whatever that you are automatically fucking them. Not true. I’ve been “in love” with people and never had sex with them. I’ve had sex with people I wasn’t in love with. The two are not mutually exclusive.
i am not, by any means, going to start preaching family values. nor am i, by any means, going to start telling people how to run their life (Uh, Lisa, you do that already. Shuddup!). But I will not discount polyamory as being “weird” or “normal” because it’s both. just as monogamy is both. i think that too often, people place themselves in relationships that they do not want to have and are not strong enough to break off. hence lies in cheating. hence lies in lying. hence lies betrayal.
the truth of the matter is, that the inner core of ME (that makes up me — we won’t go on about other personalities) is that i’m monogamous at heart. really. i had gone through too many times of jealousy and obsession because i could never understand why someone would want something else if they were dating me. Meaning that if i’m in a mutually exclusive relationship, that persons attention should be focused on ME not on someone else. I’m egotistical enough to know there is no one like me (there isn’t. cheap imitations, obviously). i should be able to fulfill their needs, desires and wants. and vice versa. if i’m not, then WHY are they with me (and vice versa). it goes back to me saying that people often get involved out of relationships because they are lonely. and i can understand that. but i don’t want someone being with me because they are lonely, i want someone to be with me because they think that i’m the hottest trick in shoe leather to grace this earth (Gone With The Wind reference).
When I was a mealy-mouth brat growing up, i never thought i would get a bf. ever. i had my life all planned out in front of me. graduate from HS at 17, go to college, get my masters. write the great American novel. be rich and famous by the time i was 25.
at the age of 27 (cringe), i realize that while ones dreams aren’t always as easy as one thinks they are. looking back on my life these last 10 years and of everything that has happened, i often bemoan all the damn mistakes i’ve made. i’ve sat in funks for months because i didn’t have the courage (or the strength) to pick myself up and say “to hell with you, i’ve got my own thing now”. truth of the matter is, i’ve been damned frightened of everything and anything around me. fear of love, fear of rejection, fear of betrayal and non-sense. many many people who know me personally and intimately have often said that this doesn’t jib with what they know of me. but it is me. it’s all of me.
as i said yesterday, i know my faults. i know why i do what i do and i know where in the problems came from. justin used to say he thought i was the sanest person alive because i could recognize these faults. i feel like a caged animal and the whole world is my audience. and when provoked i bite. i know that my sarcasm and indifference is a destructive method of protecting myself. my string of mens were ego boosters because i still get in shock when someone likes me. i don’t understand why they do. i remember what it was like letting go, when i was 19 and i remember the ramifications of that letting go.
friends have suggested that i take a year off, don’t date anyone at all. get myself together. the trials and tribulations of the last few years have taken it’s toll and that i need to find myself for awhile. i agreed with them, and in many aspects i still do. no more living in sin, no more stringing along men. put myself first instead of others, no matter how much it hurts.
falling in love with someone is a big gamble. we all have “issues, matters and concerns” about how we are going to be. we are, in a sense, all frightened of the things we are and do. and no one wants to be alone.
i have this silly dream where i would be sitting in a cawfee shop/bookstore reading. sipping on a frappichino. the man of my dreams would walk over to me and start talking and we would know. that very instant we would know.
i believe that all the relationships i have had in the past have built me up for that moment. the ideal and perfect person. perfect for me that is. i believe that you can have soul mates. and i believe that true love never stops. i believe that there is only one person for you. everything else in your life was nothing but a dress rehearsal. i believe that love does conquer all and i believe that if you love someone, are really in love with someone, you are not afraid of going to extremes for that person, sharing your soul or showing the world that you care.
“Anything less than extraordinary is a waste of my time.” – from Dream for an Insomniac.
I used to say (and still believe) that I would never settle. If the person wasn’t for me, I wouldn’t be with them. All of our past relationships are failures. And I’ve left people for the dumbest reasons, but the reasoning made sense to me because if they didn’t jib with the ideal thing I had in my head then I didn’t want to be with them. Sometimes I projected these ideals onto other people and got kicked to the curb with shock when the person wasn’t i wanted to be. I think that, while I have a long an glorious past with me (and my joking there of), that it taught me more getting in the ring. I wanted to save myself, remain a virgin, until my wedding day. But my own sexual and romantic history has shown (and I have learned from) that while I could never take back what I have done, I can move on and learn from it. I know exactly what i want and this time I won’t stop till I get it. And if this means I’m going to end up a crothity old lesbian with 10 cats — so be it. But I would rather save myself for the right person then to throw myself at the wrong person.
Ya dig?

muzak

i was sitting here, looking at the stack of 20 or CDs sitting on top of pleiades, and realized that i had nothing but depressing music. GEEZ!
Now Playing: Squirrel Nut Zippers:Hot.
Really bored?
Here is a list of all the cds I own.
I’m so cool beavis.
what’s sad is that i need another cd-rack. mine is erm, filled. i have no where am near danny though — he’s got over 500 CDs at last count. probably closer to a 1000. what’s even sadder is that i look at it and there is NOTHING there i want to listen to. grrrr. but that’s alright though, i have four or five new CDs showing up 🙂
thank god for mp3s. but you didn’t hear me say that.
ARGH!!!!!!!!!
My damn short attention span. I spend too much time at second spin. Here is a list of CDs I want. I’ll take ’em used. I’m not picky:

ArtistThe JudyBats
Ibid
Ibid
3rd Bass
Ibid

CDDaylight(cd-single)
Hold Your Horses – Judybats Rarities 1
When Southern Bells
Derelicts of Dialect
Cactus Album

Shit shit shit.
I’m sure, there are like a gazillion cds I want. However, I’m having an attack of amnesia.
Now Playing: JudyBats : Pain (Makes Me Beautiful).
Jesus christ on a pogostick!
Amazon.com has NO mention of this cd or anything by the Bats!! lemme try cdnow.com. yeah that’s it. GOOD GOD! Nothing at cdnow! Christ!! SOB!! One of the best bands from Tennessee in gods knows how long and well hell — best band in the late 80s/90s and freaking NOTHING. NOTHING AT CDUNIVERSE.COM EITHER!
It’s a conspiracy!!
I can’t find Judybats but they have Spoken word by Jewel?!? What’s up with that. I read her crap standing in a line one day at Barnes and Noble. The stupid bitch wrote a poem (in tribute to Charles Bukowski) called “Bukowsky’s Widow”. The dumb cunt spelled his goddamn name wrong! Gash.
I’m angsty. Well. Truth be told.
truth, justice and the lisa way
Ed.: Just got back from seeing Star Wars: Phantom Menace for the second time. DARTH MAUL IS SO SEXY! And I’ll probably see it one more time.
but anyway.
I was having a conversation with you know who (I swore I wouldn’t mention him again for a few days. I sound like a sappy high school girl. Next thing you know I’ll be drawing hearts an flowers!), but i digress, about trust, cheating and other predicaments.
now this particular person had has lovers cheat on him. he has trust issues. and i have no problem explaining things to him about people. i know a lot of people.
But again, I digress.
Anyone whose a fan of this site and has read back through all my pieces knows that I’m a HUGE fan of trust/honesty and commitment. Lord knows, all the whining I do on relationships, i was the one getting dumped on FAR MORE often then dumping of people. And in my whole life, I’ve only cheated twice. Once in high school on this guy Chris who I later found out had been cheating on me the whole time and dumped me for said girl. Alan cheated on me, Miguel cheated on me, the list is endless.
The second time I cheated on someone was with Danny, with Michael (I know too many damn Michaels!). (Miguel went by mike as well. Do you know see why my theory of ever male I know named Michael either dates a girl whose with someone or cheats on their girlfriend? It’s impossible!). I’m not proud of what I’ve done. And I have regretted it ever since then. I couldn’t have told Danny “I’m Sorry” enough to make it go away. I’ve done a lot of stupid things in my lifetime and a lot of stuff that I regret, but it has made me the person I am today. This is me.
Now, I used to believe in one-on-one relationships. My experiences with Jeff taught me about polyamory — and then I conceded that polyamory was for people who are afraid to make commitment. On the other hand, polyamorous relationships can have it’s benefits and as long as adults are consenting I don’t see a problem.
I’ve grown up. I’ve matured.
But, in all honesty, when Pawl and I used to talk about relationships and whatnot, and the possibility of US being in a relationship, and he said he didn’t care who I did as long as I came back to him. And sometimes that sounded fine — because I liked the idea of being FREE. But most of the time, It killed me because it showed just how little respect we had for each other. It didn’t grain with me at all.
But for the last couple of months, I’ve been doing some serious thinking. I’ve read all the books on commitment and polyamory, I’ve formed my own opinions for me.
I think, above and beyond anything else, trust and honesty is the way to go. If you are in a committed relationship with someone, and it’s monogamous, then it should remain as such. If you can’t keep your dick/pussy in your pants long enough to break up with the person, that shows, to me, how much disrespect you have for that person. I’ve been down that route. Especially when your bf of on/off of five years calls you and tells you “Hey — this 40yo chick just sucked me off. Everything I do, I do for you baby!” I still cringe when I hear those words.
My own personal experience is that after Alan dumped for another chyk (whom he had been cheating on me with). For three years I was single. I swore that no man would ever have my heart ever again. Not like that. It was too painful. It hurt way too much. I could never ever love like that. Proof in point, when I saw an Alan duplicate last year, my stomach dropped to the floor and I almost started crying. In the middle of the restaurant no less. I still loved the bastard after all these years. It never goes away, the pain just dims to a fading memory.
And I know where my faults lie. The internet is safe, c’mon it’s true. You can form intense relationships that last for days and feel like years. You get to know all the person you can and there is always something missing. I’ve said this publicly to my friends too many times: I like knowing I can see the person when I want to see them. Meaning, they don’t get the full Lisa-effect. They get what I choose to share with them. It’s safe. No real hurt involved. Nothing. It gets easier as time goes on. You put on this mask and you become a shell of yourself. They will never see how you look at certain movies, how you taste, how you feel against them at night. It’s a sham. I hate internet relationships. But in my own shyness offset, it’s the only way I could deal because after putting so much trust and hope into one person and have that person walk all over you — it’s hard.
the irony is that right now, i’m in a quasi-relationship. i refuse to define it. I know it’s there. this is something real. Because I can’t not help what he would look like when he laughs. And I took that piece of information and chewed on it for awhile and realize that i need to make it somewhat real. No more pixilated pictures. Nothing. I’ve spoken on this time and time again. It has to be real or it’s nothing.
i keep digressing.
justin used to laugh at all the mens i would have on a string — and it’s easy and it’s true. and every single one of those men on internet knew as well as i did that nothing would come of this. we would never meet. it was a diversion for whatever reason. and that’s okay too. and i’ve remained friends (for the most part) with those mens for a long time. good friends. more chances then not it was more platonic then romantic because the spark wasn’t there. and on the internet, everything is nothing but undercurrents and what not. they have other dalliances. i have mine. and then it ends.
earlier today when i got home from work, i was thinking about my friend victor.
i haven’t spoken to him in eons it seems, but he said something that struck in my mind: that the more a girl likes someone the more apt that she’s not going to use protection with that person. at first i laughed and said he was wrong, but went back to him a few days later and told him he was right. i looked back at my own relationships and knew that i was more apt to go condom-less the more i liked a person. but lisa has more self-respect for herself. a deep seeded fear after finding out that Alan not only slept with me bare-back but the bitch bare-back drove me insane. there has only been one person in the last five years i’ve slept without a condom on, and that was danny. we were monogamous (i used condoms with michael thank you) and i get checked every year. I don’t EVEN think about sleeping with someone without a condom now. it’s habit. one of the guys i car pool with left a condom in my car. i shoved it in my wallet. i started joking with my friends that it was for the “just in case” i ever met someone that i dug (hahahahahahahah). i always see the humour in that.
back on track lisa.
oh yeah, sorry.
so anyway, i started thinking about what victor said and related it to relationships. love can be defined by me in so many ways and i started thinking about all the guys i’ve liked in the past. how far would i go? for the most part, not very far. it would be as it was an that was that. but i noticed that once i started singling out things about a certain person. how much time i talk to them, email them, want to see them, everything else falls into place. you make allowances for that person that you wouldn’t make for others. what victor said was downright brilliant.
i’ve always been afraid on how to like someone again. really like someone. because the whole world is a stage and your the performer. and you really don’t want to fuck up. and i worry about that, worry that one of my little idosyncricies will shine through and that person will run away screaming in fear. there is so much in my head that has never been let out. i find myself recounting stories to whatshisname that never make it into regular conversation with anyone.
i liked justin, but I didn’t LIKE HIM LIKE HIM, if you knwo what I mean. I’ve only “liked” a few people in all those years — most I could give a shit about.
whoo boy. 🙂
i’ve made my decision, delirious and free.
i had this vision of who i was and who i wanted to be. i’ve recounted it several times over the years and lately within the last year — being in this constant blue funk. and lately i’ve noticed that i’ve been noticing the little things. the way the clouds hang over SF. The way Cat puckers when putting on lipstick, the angle of the shopping carts the homeless leave. the curve of my leg in shorts. things that in the past year went by in a blur.
i used to feel time was running out on me. i wouldn’t live long and that i would have nothing left to show for it. sometimes i wonder just how much you can say before you make a fool out of yourself.
in conclusion, i just want to say this: if you are in a relationship with someone, and you honestly are in love with them. tell them. daily. tell them you care. if you’re not in love with them, break up with them. leave them. find someone who can make you happy. Just don’t ever lie to them or cheat on them. You’ll regret it in the morning.
I’ve got a spring in my step lately and i’ve been feeling good. and maybe it’s because i’m taking time out for me for once. looking at who i am. feeling myself out.
and you know?
for once i like who i am.
and that, in itself is a small miracle.

i dream of you

do i look like a cartoon freak to you?
no?
didn’t think so.
so imagine my surprise (and delight) when i got hooked on Strangers in Paradise.
One of the first emails that Mike sent me, he recommended that I read SIP, and when I first looked at it via Amazon.com site, I thought “comics? ugh no.”
Then Mike and I started recommending movies* and books to each other and he kept bugging me to read SIP. And so, I ordered it Friday from Amazon and it got delivered today.
I sat at my desk and read the whole book within an hour.
“It’s comics for people who don’t like comics” — it just fucking rocks! I ADORE the characters — and I feel like such a mix between Katchoo and Francie. I’m defiently Francie’s body type with Katchoo’s attitude. I was SOOO all over the official site like white on rice. I just spent 25 bucks ordering back issues to start catching up. I fell in love with the characters and was simply amazed at how much like both Katchoo and Francine I was. On the website, Terry Moore (the artist) put up their specs and even my measurements match Francine’s. My personality is more like Katchoo’s though — long ugly past including my own trip into hell with the mafia. (True story. One I will NOT repeat.)
Upon reflection, I was surprised to realize how much of me was given back to me. Really. There is this scene where Francie’s old bf Chuck is talking to Freddie (another one of her exes) and Chuck’s description of Francie described me to a damn T. I got so enamored, I down loaded the desktop theme and made it mine.
The more I searched, the more I found I was glad to have found that the series was NOT discontinued (it always works that way doesn’t it? You find something you really like and then it’s gone!).
So I sent Mike a SIPCard and spent money on the back issues. I’m so there on buying them every month. The really cool part is that Mike is going to a comic con in Chicago in July. Terry Moore is going to be there. Mike is going to try and get something signed for me. I feel so damn cool! I know famous people! 🙂 WOOO!!
Someone mentioned i’ve been in a fairly good mood these last four weeks or so — and I tell you, reflecting back on it, I realize that most of it has to do with talking to mike. really. mike and i talk all damn day at work and when we get home from work. your looking at easily 8-10 hours PER DAY. And i’m not sick of him yet. I asked him if he was sick of me, and he said “Yeah, sure. :)”. Men, I tell you 🙂
okay, the one thing that is trepidatious out ‘us’ (whatever the fuck you call us) is that he’s frightened somewhat by my website. well, not frightened per se, but just that he’s a private person and well — i’m not. 🙂 (Gee Lisa, who would have thunk that!). In a lot of aspects, I am really very private. Again, I must say that what you see here is not all of me, put a part of me. A lot of things I’ve communicated to Mike (and others) would never make it to this website. Why? Because my whole life is not up for show and tell — it’s that simple. But I can’t help talking about Mike. He’s just so damn keen. You know, he’s the first person who really asks the right questions in god knows how long? And he’s funny. And he’s cute. And he’s tall. And he’s creative. And he’s Mike. 🙂 I like Mike. 🙂
Ohh! wanna see something cool?
Unflattering — but — 🙂
imhotep.
darthmaul.
mike.
(chant one chant all!)
As many of you who know me in a day to day basis, i’ve become obsessed with Darth Maul. first it started with the 8″ figurine that i ordered from the Mos Espay “store” on star wars official website. Then I bought the poster. Then I found darth maul legos. Then Cat bought me Darth Maul body wash and a clock for my birthday. Then I bought another poster. Will the madness ever end?!?!
Probably not. The sad truth is that Ray Park, the actor who plays him, is only 5’6″!!!!!!!
and BLONDE! to boot.
SOB
Life sucks sometimes, I tell ya.
new do
Since December, I’ve been slowly cutting my hair shorter. a few weeks back, I went to a high falutin salon that my friend Roxy suggested and had Mark Anthony (no joke, that is his name. there is a joke in there but i’m not going touch it) do my hair. I arrived on time and ended up waiting for over a 1/2 hour for his highness, i mean hairdresser, to get to me. after he pulled and looked and chopped, i was done. the funny thing was though, is that he put in like 10 different hair care products in my hair. he blew dry my hair into this big hair helmet and i felt like i had stuck my fingers in the light socket. i shelled out close to $40 bucks for said hair care products and left. I looked in the mirror and felt like i should have been wearing blue eye shadow, pink lipstick and become Ms. Texas. When Rob, Roxy’s bf, showed up the next day, he proclaimed me to be gorgeous and said that when Roxy comes home, she ALWAYS has to re-wash and re-do her hair. And Roxy is beautiful.
but my hair is my hair. it’s thick, it’s wavy. it’s colorized. it sucks when long and it’s sucking when cut certain lengths. so i decided to say “fuck it” and went shorter. i called up SuperCuts in Rockridge and went this past Sunday afternoon to have my hair cut again. it was funny, sitting there having this little Asian woman cutting so effortlessly at my hair — thinking about Mark Anthony’s work going down the tube (if you would have seen how he sat there scrutinizing my hair like it was art — you’d get that). But the end result was much shorter hair. It didn’t dawn on me till I was looking at myself in the mirror glass that is on the first floor of my office that i looked — BUTCHY! I screamed, I cried, I cursed my impulsiveness. i went in and pouted to mike. he asked for his daily picture — i said no. and he pouted and i caved in. and he called me gorgeous. i was like “shush your mouth boy. you’ve been smoking too much crack.” he said “no really, your cute but this is the best pic of you yet.” i was like “What!?!? my hair is fucked up and i have no makeup on.” He said he didn’t matter. I started blushing wildly. The bastard. 🙂 They can be so insensitive.
so, check out the picture to your left. that’s my new do. i’ll be coloring it this weekend. again. haven’t decided on WHAT color as of yet. probably dark brown or red again. we’ll see. i’m awfully pale. next thing you know i’ll be pissing black and farting bats.
oh la mour
i actually have a lot on my mind other than seemingly superficial stuff. justin. well, justin is sleeping on the floor now. finally made the move to prepare him for when i do actually leave this joint. i didn’t mind it at first with us sleeping in the same bed together after we broke up — but after awhile it started becoming more uncomfortable. there were a few instances where his hands went where they shouldn’t — but he’s in love with me and i felt bad. guilt almost. but it’s defiently not what i wanted.
it takes a lot to push me to do something sometimes. like the length of time it took me to break it off with him (again — i reiterate — he knew since October i wasn’t in love with him) — and going back to school — and moving — and work.
i’m trying really hard to struggle beneath everything.
the other night at my quasi-birthday party, everyone wondered why justin was there. well i invited him and he showed up cos it was my birthday. but that didn’t stop me from having fun. i’m single goddamnit. i can do whatever the fuck i want. there are no rings on these fingers. but i got teased and ragged on for the simple fact that:
a.) we live together still
b.) we sleep in the same bed
And the more I thought about it — how it LOOKED to actual reality and i haven’t been single in years. i want time for fun. and i like other people (well — one person in particular). i didn’t need this shit from my friends. 🙂 Well, they mean well. The whole bit about when I am going to start dating again — but it’s funny — people yell at you to get out of a bad situation and then rag on you for being single. You can’t win.
i’m doing the best i can considering the circumstances i’m in right now. so back off, please 🙂
(this is a much nicer note then what i had in my head the other day — but heck, whatever works.)
past comes back to haunt you
i got really drunk on saturday night. i don’t remember much, but this is what i do remember:

flitting around with a purple feather boa wrapped around my neck (must have been thinking of greg dulli — mmmm).
Biting and being bitten.
being the kissing bandit.
doing tequila shots with TJ.
Jason likes having his hair pulled.
Scott likes me to verbally abuse him.
i look damn good in black.
propositioning john.

the rest they say, is history.
x0x0x0x0x,
SIPGirl
*Movies I recommend:
Dream For An Insomniac
Clay Pigeons
Buffalo ’66
Opposite of Sex
Pecker

Happy Birthday To Me

Seems pretty self-explanatory to me.
Strangers in Paradise
I can either write a really happy “OH GOD IT’S LISA-MAS DAY” type of chronicle or I can be utterly depressing.
Let’s do both.
I haven’t been feeling too hot as of late. Other than the usual melee of crap running around in my head, there really isn’t nothing that is driving me nuts but maybe the onslaught of my birthday. Everything is coming up Lisa recently but, the problem is that I cannot stop obsessing about the fact that I am getting older. It’s a part of life and i have accepted it as such. as i told Chuck last night on AIM, I’ll always feel 17 in my head. He said he felt 22. It works out perfect.
Anyway, last night I got home and there was a package from my mother in the mail. I was surprised actually that she sent me something because lately I’ve been thinking that I wouldn’t receive even a phone call from her or my dad. So Cat, Justin and I were talking when I opened up the package. Inside I found the following items:

The deed to the house on Paris St that my mother bought for 70k in 1990. The house is being sold as part of her bankruptcy.
Original marriage license dated July 2, 1971 for Marietta K. Preiss and Edison K. Rabey
Immigration and naturalization papers for one Lisa M. Rabey dated February 14, 1973.
Photocopy for a “Complaint of Divorce” between one Marietta K. Rabey and Edison K. Rabey dated January 22, 1974.
Original copy of above.
Certificate of baptism for one Lisa M. Rabey dated July 7th, 1973.
Birth Certificate for one Edison K. Rabey, born May 22, 1927 in Gaspe Bay North, Quebec Canada to Thomas M. Rabey and Sarah McFee.
Certificate of my first communion dated May 4th, 1980.
Certificate of my confirmation dated April 13th, 1986.
One “child identification card” for Lisa M. Rabey, dated 4.12.86. I stood 5’10 and 160lbs.
Copy of baptismal certificate.
“Deans List” honor award, dated May 1, 1988 while i was in high school.Mixed along that list was a cartoon my mom sent me (any cartoon she finds that seemingly is high tech or applicable to me, she sends to me) and a letter. Her beautiful handwriting on pink paper.

i read the letter to cat and justin. parts that i couldn’t read, i handed to cat to decipher for us. i joked that in high school her handwriting made it damn hard to copy for “excused absences” when i was off skipping. her letter pretty much said the same thing her letters have been saying as of late. she’s broke. she needs money. an itinerary of her complaints. cat almost cried when i put the letter down. we couldn’t figure out as a collective why she would send me the above stuff and that letter. dated June 2, 1999. arrived June 11, 1999. she didn’t even acknowledge or wished me a happy birthday.
there are about three people in the world that i’m in contact with who know of me from when I was living in Michigan: Sherry, Shelly, Jenni and Danny. Since I communicate with Jenni, Danny and Shelly on-line now, they know (or rather verify) that my mother is nucking futs. or fucking nuts. I emailed Shelly last night right before I watched Swingers with cat and justin.

We’re gonna spend half the night driving around the Hills looking for one party and then leaving ’cause it sucks, then we’re gonna look for this other party you heard about. But, Trent, all the parties and bars, they all suck. I spend half the night trying to talk to some girl who’s eyes are darting around to see if there’s someone more important she should be talking to. And it’s like I’m supposed to be happy ’cause she’s wearing a backpack? Half of them are nasty skanks who wouldn’t be shit if they weren’t surrounded by a bunch of drunken horny assholes. I’m not gonna be one of those assholes. I want to throw up. Some fuckin’ skank who is half the woman my girlfriend is is gonna front me? It makes me want to fuckin’ puke!

vinegette
yesterday was d-day at work. i had to have Y2K crap ready to go for FirstWorld and since all the idiots didn’t get it on time, I didn’t have it finished. And my own stuff wasn’t finished. I was running around like a chicken with her head cut off pulling systems apart. one of the jacks was dead and i couldn’t repatch it via the hub. two computers died on me. otto ripped apart four machines and dumped them in my cubicle to get finished. i said fuck it and left at 8pm. i’ll deal with the shit on Sunday.

Mike has been pushing me to write my book. i started getting all defensive about it and said something really nasty about his cartoons. i couldn’t believe i said it. after i said it, i opened mouth and inserted foot. i kept apologizing up and down to him and i still felt aghast at what i had said. and he said, “yeah i understand, it’s only my lifes work.” all i kept thinking about last night when i got home from work was how awful i felt for saying it. so in conversation last night, he asks me if i had purchased Strangers in Paradise yet. I said no. So I hurried off to amazon.com and bought it. i think it’s important to him that i ‘get’ why he loves cartoons (yeah he’s a kick ass artist. i got two Mikey comix for my birthday signed. i suddenly became cool in my office for his rendition of me looking at flowers).
I’ve never gotten into comix because, well, i dunno. just never thought about it before. in turn, he asked me to recommend a book to him for him to read. we went through a few possibilities and i hit the nail on the head with Heinlein. Since my turn on to Heinlein was by Jeff who thought I would dig it, I suggested Time Enough For Love as a good intro to his work. Mike agreed it seemed good, so as a surprise I ordered it for him. Hey, i’ve been feeling down the last few days and shop when i’m depressed. Thus explains the two new CDs, darth maul poster and other crap I’ve bought on-line. I didn’t think anything about it. So when I told him what I had done, he said he felt uncomfortable with it. I understood that and cancelled the order. Mike even mentioned it in his journal.
even though I understood it, i felt worse. I had insulted him twice. i wasn’t doing anything right, it felt like. it wasn’t me talking, it was the depression i was feeling.
mike kept turning the conversation around and we started talking about my book.
i sent him the two possible starter chapters i had worked on a year ago and he liked them.
now all i have to do is write it, he says. he wants me to send chapter by chapter as i go along. giving objective opinion.
jaffo said to be prepared to say “fuck you” to anyone who says anything to me about writing.
he’s on page 200 and something into his novel.
he’s my hero.

internet luv
From a TLC reader:

“you know, it’s weird you should write about ICQ random searches… Nov. of 97,
Crystal did a random search, found me… I lived in FL, she in MO, to make a
long story short (as I figured that’s the kind you’d like, if you like them at
all 🙂 ) I came up to MO to visit my grandfather the day after Christmas of
97, met Crystal on the 28th, we were engaged on Jan 1st 98, I moved here Jan.
12, 98, and we’re getting married two weeks from today…
BTW… happy birthday :)”

it’s 5:11pm and it’s my birthday. it seemed the more i sat here writing the more depressed i got. i went and did a few shots of liquid courage (ie: Skyy Vodka) and i feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I need to shake myself out of this.
Sonya just called and said that i had to bring girls over for the party tonight as only a few females are confirmed for showing up. All my female friends that I have invited couldn’t make it. I said “who cares” — let me make an ass out of myself tonight. It’s my fscking birthday!
I want to thank everyone for the flowers, books, cd’s, chocolates, cards and other goodies that I have gotten for my birthday. Every present was as unique as the person who sent them. You guys rock. I love you all.
x0x0x0x0x0x0x,
Lisa