1999 – Page 4 – A Most Unreliable Narrator

a cool, dry place

is a movie that i rented tonight and could relate to on a very serious level. it’s a story of a young father whose wife has left him and their son. in one instance, the wife comes back and while the father is trying to get on with his life, re-asserts herself into his life. well, attempts to. and he looks at her and realizes that he still loves her after all this time and as they lay there, she looks up and starts crying. he asks her what is going on. and she says “I don’t think I’ve ever loved you.”
talk about some fucked up shit.

———-

since I’ve been back from mayumphis, I’ve been sulking around the house like it was nobodies business. i couldn’t figure out what was really wrong because everything seemed to have fallen into place. but i knew what was wrong.
you see, i fell in love. and my affections weren’t returned. pride asserted (and damnable logic) told me it wouldn’t have worked anyway. too many problems and not enough of anything. i knew my affections weren’t going to be returned but as it was once said, i was going to wrap them around my little finger and i had to assert myself regardless. i had to know one way or another. but, it wasn’t to be so.
as i lamented to a few friends about this turn of events, many people reminded me that i still had a large group of people who loved me and cherished me. and even larger group of people who worshipped me on various levels. i know that my own “stupid” actions (as i still see and will forever see) causes me to act in strange ways, sometimes it takes liquid courage to get it out.
part of the problem and what was bothering me is that I’ve been watching people’s relationship fall apart around me. platonic and intimate it didn’t matter, nothing was working out. and the weird thing is that those whom i thought were more emotionally fucked up than me had found solace in doing other things within themselves. finding themselves. getting themselves back on track.
i wasn’t quite sure how i was going to deal with all these emotions — i could (and have) rationalized on many levels about my own emotional state and noticed a few patterns about myself that would have predicted the outcome of the events. i however choose to ignore them and went on my merry little way anyway because i thought “this time was different” and it was. i have made, i hoped, a wonderful new friend and while i maybe too spicy for their mild sauce, friendships are nothing to sneeze at either.
in the interim, i’ve been watching a lot of movies and resorting to my old tricks that i do when i’m down — which causes me to do a lot of introspection about myself. many of the same issues that had been developed before hand were never really resolved — and in a way i had used this person to alleviate those pressures. but a lot of the ground work i made onto myself was done alone — and while they had pushed me to do those things — it was obviously me that did all the work. they may have nudged me in the right directions but it was me who did it all myself.
many people have said that someone who doesn’t fall in love with me is a doo-doo head (to put it nicely) but i can’t fault someone for not liking me in that way. pride has dictated too long ago that i could never ever want someone who doesn’t want me back — and i won’t break that rule now. while too many films have depicted the story of people figuring out later on that the person they never thought they should be with, they SHOULD be with and it was too late — reality begs to say that only happens in the movies. and i can accept that. really. i haven’t come this far in my life not have.
i know, honestly, that many of what i wanted and much that i want is projected upon each successful suitor. i do not take the time to learn but instead foster my own ideas on what that person should be and am sorely disappointed when they are not whom i think they are. i have long have had a habit of falling for people who do not share my own affections, and finding out later on that they end up marrying some female they have just met within 6 months of the ending of any romantic interest between us. i can count at least five different examples of this happening. i met a guy a year ago and during casual conversation he told me his stats were much higher: the girls he has dated have ended up marrying after him — ‘cept it’s been ALL the girls he’s dated even remotely seriously. he had me beat by a long shot. i’m glad, on some fucked levels, to see that it’s not just me.
one of the main reasons i haven’t written since i was in mayumphis and since i’ve been back is partly because too much is going on in my head to really sit down and write about it all. i wanted to put together something that wasn’t so embarrassing and so personal yet i knew not how to do it.
this is my life.
and it’s all about being on the web. i will forever be known as “the on-line diarist known as lisa”. i cannot not be this person. of anything i’ve learned within my 2.5 years in SF was mainly about projection and patterns and other fun stuff. emotionally i think i’m much more stable now then when i got here (though the level of psychodrama has increased “bad boys bad boys” not decreased).
but i still refuse to be afraid to not talk about how i feel. and i refuse to not write about it either. if you are involved with me in anyway — this is something you have to realize and this is something you have to recognize. i will not change this aspect of my life.
but i had to say this. i had to get it out so that it wouldn’t be rattling in my head because then i start thinking about it more so and analyzing it when i need to chill and let it go.
so it’s out.
i’m really really tired. ultra-slacking does wear on you. tomorrow will be the hot topic of where lisa is going to move to. stay tuned.
x0x0x0x
moi

cruisin’

So Lisa wants to drive around Memphis… Unlike most civilized societies,
our public transportation system combined with the vast area that the
city covers only leaves one option. Rental. But hey, she did it in
style! Got a white convertible Mustang! Yow! Hell I just wanted to go
driving in it! All we needed was a cell phone, some helicopters chasing us, and an army of dancing bikini girls, and we would had a rap video!
After work, we picked up my not so happy friend, Ron and headed towards the river (No, not to pour cement around Lisa’s feet and throw her in, but
to show her the pretty side of Memphis). We all walked around the edge of
Tom Lee park (obviously named after the famous “Men in
Black” actor, Tommy Lee Jones…not) and discussed property values and Cybil Shepard’s house. Nothing make you more thirsty than standing in 1000 degree weather, so we hopped in our fly G-mobile and sported off to my favorite watering hole and your too, I’m sure, T.J. Mulligans. Ah, Mulligans its been so long since the taste of their turkey and cheddar had passed my lips, and it was a good thing… Even if the waitress did want to kill me.
We sat. We talked. We all bonded. It was a beautiful budweiser moment. But
soon we all got tired of sitting and the crappy folk singer started to
play, so we hit the streets in the fly mobile again. Drove past Joe’s Cool
Sign (A neon masterpiece that alone should raise the tourist rate here
in Memphis), and dropped Ron off home to his den of a thousand cats. We
thought we could impress Lisa with the massive girth of Lebowski the
hideously obese kitty, but she was not phased. Oh well. After that, my sauntery southern self was ready for a nice 8-24 hour nap, but Lisa seems to be running on nuclear power, so I took her to one of my favorite bookstore’s in Memphis, Bookstar (Yeah, I know its a chain, but they are pretty cool… I mean the idea of turning old movie theaters into bookstores is brilliant). She bought Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. I had seen the movie, so I didn’t. She tried to explain the difference between Linux and Unix and why I should learn PERL but most of what she said could not register in my primitive artboy brain. The iced mocha was good though.
Came home and argued about who gets the couch and who gets the bed. Never met someone who actually WANTED to sleep on the couch before… Fine by me.. It’s your back, bub.
I’m not for sure exactly, but I think she may have had a party while I was
asleep. A girl gets pretty popular with a car like that!
Yours Truly,
Darth Mike

Wanna know the real version of the story?

hostile takeover

There are those who may think that there were ulterior motives behind Lisa’s visit to this here bluff city. Well yer right! It is all part of my elaborate scheme to become famous by taking over everybody else’s website! Yeah sure, I had to trade my daily journal, but nobody ever reads that thing… This is where its at, and Miketron2000 industries is ALL about taking over the world… one website at a time.
Anyways, so far… so good. She hasn’t killed me yet (that’s always a good thing). For those of you who only know of Lisa through this fine website, then I’m one up on ya! HA! Actually, she’s quite nice. Aside from the constant drug use, vandalism, and animal torture, she’s pretty easy going. I didn’t appreciate when she threw my television set into the pool, but its my own fault for not securing it properly, right?
I don’t write as much as Lisa (mainly because I am not a writer), so these here bits probably won’t be as full of the insight and glamour that many are used to… but man can I talk about my cat! Did you know that when I found him he had a hole in his head! Sure nuff, Bob’s yer uncle!
This is my first time meeting a pal over the internet, and its strangely fascinating. Here is a person I have never met in real life yet feel like I am darn good friends with. If there is anything I have learned in the past year, its that one cannot have too many friends, even if you don’t think so at certain times… Good friends are the reason I am still around today. In the past year I have gone from taking my friends for granted to really understanding what a valuable purpose the serve in the grand scheme of things. That may be the reason I overextend myself these days trying to accommodate the few that I have (although I am sure Jason Alexander would dispute that claim of accommodation).
So, there is much time and much stuff to do… These next two weeks will be quite busy for me. Lisa wants to check out the University (one of the reasons, she came y’know), everybody MUST see downtown Memphis when they come here… as well as the hippie charm of Midtown. We’ve already been to Chili’s and gone swimming, so we are just going down the list at this point. Y’know, crack houses gun shows, that sort of thing.
So, that’s about the long and short of it right now… More news as it comes to me.
Yours Truly,
Miklos Nortonski..er I mean, Mike

Wanna know the real version of the story?

memphis or bust

in a little over (or under depending on the time frame your looking at here) 6 hours, my ass will be leaving this house to head for the airport. in a little over 8 hours, i’ll be on my merry little way heading to Memphis.
i’ve been getting a lot of flack from friends about packing — basically why do i wait till the last minute? really — i’ve never thought about being so advanced in getting it done.

———-

it’s currently 4am in the morning and i just woke up. my roommate cathleen has informed that her bf Charlie (whose also another roommate) is out jogging and that cawfee is good to go. i just have to flip the pot on to make.
i’m sitting here freezing. i’m contemplating bringing a cardigan with me, knowing once i hit Memphis I’m gonna be sweating my balls off. oh well, who the hell cares. i just woke up. at least i slept. aren’t you proud of me Mike? Now I will be not so dead when I land in Memphis. We are going drinking tonight. He’s Irish, I’m German-Scotch — we will at least have alcohol in common.
for some reason i’m feeling strangely pessimistic. i’m all packed and all i have left is to take a shower and leave. i wish i could say i was worried about meeting him, but strangely i’m not. it just is. i can’t figure out if this is a good thing or a bad thing.
but i’m nervous. 🙂
people are giving me shit about going. talking about how i’m gonna fall in love with mike or he’s gonna fall in love with me. i don’t know why you people be tripping. i haven’t met the guy yet and some people have my wedding all planned out down to bridal gowns. thanks. i appreciate that.
i’m anxious.
and i’m getting grumpy.
i need more cawfee.
i’ll see you all — when i get to Memphis.
x0x0x0x0x
moi
———-
the lisa chronicles icq skin
it’s all the rage

miss american pie

when i was a kid growing up in Port Huron, Michigan; I loved summer. I loved waking up and walking outside of my house and seeing the grass shimmer with morning dew. i would hear the birds chirping in the trees and i would sit on the front porch during the day reading or sit on the back porch at night writing underneath the stars. my whole day would be planned around events such as riding my bike down to the lake and sitting in one of the little coves near the entrance between the lake and river. i would sit there sucking on freez-e’s while writing in my journal. i was 11 years old.
there is something about summertime in the Midwest that no one can touch.
i haven’t figured out what it is about it, but i keep noticing that certain things will strike me as being very Midwestern and i would get homesick pretty quickly. but i get homesick quite often…
this past Friday, i had to drive to Fresno California, which is located about 3 hours east of Oakland. Fresno is in the valley and considered to be away from anything/everything that is a happening. last time i was there, i mocked the fact that the biggest days for them was Rodeo Days and that the radios stations played Color Me Badd’s “I Wanna Sex You Up” as a “hot” hit. That even though there was a major university in the town, it still sucked ass. it is hickville. completely and totally. it was not as bad as grand rapids, but it had that dull feel to it and a Midwest smell to it. and i fell in love.
i would go outside for a few minutes and enjoy the HEAT and smell the fresh air. things seemed so different there. i couldn’t put my finger on it and i can’t even begin to describe it. i remember sitting on the porch at our facilities in Fresno and looking around and everything seemed so lush and green. the grass seemed touchable and soft. like i could slip off my shoes and walk around barefoot for a few hours and or lie down and sleep. everything felt alive.
i hate san francisco.
ever since i’ve been here, people have told me time and time again how i fit into the culture here. how i fit the stereotype of a 20 something year old geek. but SF bores me. the few local events i’ve been too didn’t titillate or scintillate me — they bored me. i just feel that we’ve lost all contact with being human in our quest for mechanical perfection.
they have also said that there is something about that i needed to do here: find myself? come to terms with myself? find peace in myself? i don’t know – all i do know is that i left Fresno Friday pretty freaking happy. I was in love. I drove down the highways yelling and screaming and shaking my booty to the music out pounding out of my car stereo. and the closer i got to Oakland, the more tense i got, the more bitter i felt.
i drove past Livermore and started screaming and yelling because I saw a DRIVE IN movie theater actually showing a movie. I haven’t seen one of those since I was a kid.
i realize whatever i needed to do here — i’ve done. it’s time for me to go now. the penance (as only the way i see it) is over with. i’ve paid my fucking dues. no one can understand the hatred i have for this place — but i can see it. there is nothing for me here in SF. I’ve always known this since I had moved out here 2 years ago and everyone keep telling me that I was wrong. My own anger and paranoia — I know that SF is wrong for me. I felt “me” when i was out in Fresno and when i was back home in GR this past winter.
One of the things I’ve been thinking about as of late is when I go to Memphis on Wednesday. Mike and I have been talking about different things we are going to be doing the week that i’m there. the problem is that from his description and my own research, Memphis sounds very lovable. meaning that it’s not as high strung as SF and not as lame as GR. It’s the perfect combination (thus far) of both climates. (and NO this is not some metaphor about falling in luv with Mike — geez). Memphis, in short, sounds perfect to me. I’m free and over 21. There is nothing holding me back or causing me to stay anywhere.
But I told Mike, that I was afraid. i was afraid of getting to Memphis and falling in love with it and having it all blow up in my face like Toronto did back in 1996. I couldn’t deal with that again. And I certainly don’t want to be here.
So, we’ll see. I just haven’t been thinking about it much really. in fact — it’s odd that i think about it that neither mike nor myself bring it up except to say “neat — you’re gonna be here in a few days”. he, the big sweetie, went out and stocked up on trident sugarless gum, chocolate milk and bottled water 🙂 I am, so loved.
speaking of being loved, the last week has been strange. well at least as far as people go. i think i may have mentioned that i’ve been feeling like a bitch in heat and that i’m picking up on peoples smells. it’s horrid. i can smell everything and anything and since i’ve been smoke free (13 days now! woo!) it’s been heightened. First off, I’ve had like two complete sets of bi-poly-girls hit on me. both of them are unix chyks/mac whores who live with their BFs. it wouldn’t be so strange if it were not true. and both of them are adorable! then there is Justin — he says that my secret to getting people hit on me is my own pheromones which have been rather strong recently. i thought he meant that uh, well, heh, that certain areas were rather fragrant this time and he said no — but that i just have this smell of deliciousness. whatever it is, i’ve been getting hit on, stared at and adored left and right. it’s flattering and it makes me feel beautiful.
I get sad though because even though I would love to have one person as my very own teddy bear — sometimes it feels like i do more good for the masses. whatever that means.
speaking of flattering, someone made icq skins of yours truly.
here is one shot.
there is another shot.

something purty
x0x0x0x0x,
moi

i’m in the mood

goddamn pheromones.
for the last uh, week or so i’ve been walking around like a bitch in heat. it’s not anything in particular or anyone in particular it just IS. some people were kind of upset that i mentioned it and others took it to mean that this gave them permission to tell me their sex life. it’s neither — it just is. Alan once said when we were dating years ago, that he would hate to see me in my prime as i would probably rip my bf to shreds sexually with my aggressiveness. i think he meant himself. who would know that we would have broken up.
in a way, i like feeling this way. everything feels like liquid against my skin and everything has this slight blur to it. it’s like being on drugs when you aren’t. when bean came up, she smelled so good that i wanted to kiss her — but i never did. she emailed me back today telling me that she thought she should have made the first move. i’m sitting here looking at Justin like he’s a piece of meat. it would be so easy to have sex with him and i won’t: I don’t love him and it would not mean anything. masturbation just isn’t cutting it and i’m torturing myself by listening to the goo goo dolls slide — which is like what i’m so loving right now. AND THEN Mike sent me a new pic after getting his hair cut. drool i mean look at him! he’s damned cute! i don’t understand why he’s not dating anyone. if i were localized to him, I’d be all over him like white on rice! and that neck! my god! i just want to lick it like a lolly pop.
and NO i’m not going to shush.
I’m sick of being told to shush.
I don’t shush.
and it’s not even really about being horny it’s about being in love — this is how it feels to me — but i’m not in love with anyone! when i’m in love, i want to touch, feel and taste everything. i want to swallow and be engulfed. this is how i feel. i can’t even concentrate because mike’s damned neck is diverting my attention and i can’t concentrate.
more later.
missing someone i don’t even know

girls who wear glasses

when i was 8 years and in the third grade, i was friends with Audrey and Valerie Ricebeck, who were fraternal twins. Val, Aud and I were like the three stooges: we were never somewhere without the others. While, like most twins, they were as different as night and day, it was strictly because of this that we three got along so well.
as best friends generally go, when one of them got something, the other two of us wanted it.
so when Val got glasses (or maybe it was Audrey — this was nearly 20 years ago — so i don’t quite remember), I had to have them to.
i faked not being able to see the blackboard, forcing my mom to take me to the eye doctors. turned out that i really did need glasses and was given a dorky pair from there on in.
later that year, Aud and Val moved to Ohio and i never heard from them again.
since that time, i’ve always grown up with an absolute hatred for glasses. my aunts tried to make me feel better about it by having gold lettered initials put in the corners (it was all the rage in the late ’70s), getting glasses that auto-darkened to the sun and basically anything that would make my life “easier”.
i never saw this to be so, though, really. you see, i was always convinced that NO ONE would touch me with glasses on. my lack of popularity or what have you was because i wore glasses. so when i started 8th grade, i begged and pleaded for contacts and eventually got them. then Nick Hill thought i was cute and we started dating as far as being in 8th grade goes and dating goes. he was the first boy i had ever kissed. later he dumped me before our “senior” trip to Cedar Point because i wouldn’t have sex with him while my best friend would. He also moved to Ohio later on that year — but that is another story.
it’s been over 14 years since that time — and granted the girl of 1985 is not the same girl in 1999 (though recently, i’ve been wondering if she and i were not the same now). and for a good chunk of that period, a very select few has ever seen me in my glasses.
i’ve worked really hard to live without them.
oh yesh, i’m blind as a bat, but i will not or would not out of sheer vanity wear my glasses. i hated them. i absolutely hated them. the frames were too big, it was this or it was that. while i made sure i went to the doctors every year or so to check my prescription, i would never get new glasses. i’ve always associated glasses with being fat and unattractive and thusly i just couldn’t see myself wearing them on a daily basis. i had brain washed myself to thinking that no one would EVER EVER want me in my glasses.
then justin came into my life and things started to change.
if i wore glasses around the house, Justin could not keep his hands off of me.
I always joked that since he loved me, he would take me regardless of what i was wearing. his argument was no, that something about how i looked in glasses (even the piece o crap ones that i owned) did “something” to him.
the pair that i had were over 10 years old, the frames were beaten, the ovals were WAY too big for my face. i only wore them when i ABSOLUTELY had to. i used to joke that you knew when i really liked you when i felt comfortable enough showing you my glasses. some people would say their insecurities would be about getting naked — with me it as about wearing glasses.
then earlier this year, i finally had enough money to spend on getting glasses AND contacts. i checked around found a place having a 2 for 1 frame sale. scheduled the appointment and viola! I walked out with 6 months worth of disposable contacts, one pair of funky frames and one pair of wireless frames.
I fell in love with my new glasses.
i would put them on when i was at home and just stare at myself. i couldn’t get or understand why glasses made me feel so, good, but these pairs did. both pairs both fit my personality and my facial features. i didn’t look fat or unattractive or trashy as i had brain washed myself to be: i looked CUTE.
but as they say, old habits die hard.
yesterday morning bean and i were playing around with my quickcam when she just adored me in my glasses. pawly saw the pictures and wrote to me nearly poetic verses about me and glasses — he intoned that i could go from “hot lil vixenous sloot to intelligent looking strong woman” in a matter of seconds with glasses on — and the irony was that every male i spoke to that day echoed the same thing!
something about girls in glassess…
i don’t get it — really.
mike said it best: he implied that a woman who would wear her glasses had moxy and self-confidence — which was really quite attractive. well duh — i mean, that is what every says about me as it is in the first place. i got to thinking. I went into the bathroom, put on the black funky pair, slapped some lipstick on and threw a funky barrette in my hair. I looked and looked.
This wasn’t the lisa i knew and adored usually — this was someone different. this was someone, in a way, i always wanted to be.
you see, for many years, people have always assumed that because i was tattooed and pierced that i would want to meet and date tattooed and pierced freaks as well. this is NOT always the case — i’ve always felt like my tastes were eclectic. while i had some common “lisa-isms” about men (tall, cute, goatee), i found that i was attracted to geeky guys. the quiet ones in the corner. the misunderstood guys who had all this passion and verve. the quiet smoldering type. with a hint of ego on the side.
the only person i’ve ever dated that was a ‘freak’ in piecing and tattooing was danny and he didn’t start his road to freak behavior till AFTER we broke up the first time around. Now he makes me look all dainty and pure with as much ink and metal he has in his body. but see, that ink and metal he has in his body makes him look really beautiful to me.
and it would ALWAYS piss me the fuck off when I would be with friends and if they knew or see some guy who had a zillion pieces of metal hanging out of his body, blue hair and wore leather like there is no tomorrow: they would ALWAYS assume that i would want to date this person. it just irritated the hell out of me.
my own reasoning for piercing and tattooing is pretty simple: i find it attractive on me. lisa without pierced nipples just don’t make sense. the tongue thing i keep waffling on (it’s in for now) — but the nipples are so me.
see, people always assume a lot of things about me: and a lot of it has to do with the impressions they get from my website or if they’ve met me in a face to face encounter. some just assume that i am this big outgoing freak and others assume that i’m this big emotional gangbusters or some even think that i can’t have any old fashioned ideas.
but see, that’s all true and not true.
growing up i was /really really/ shy. and in a lot of ways i combated that with being obnoxious and loud: just like my grandfather. i always had a smart mouth on me — and a lot of what my friends saw was that! but this didn’t mean that i never got scared or lonely or felt alone in any manner. nor did this mean that i have a hard time talking to people or feel awkward. but i make the best of it. i have a lot of gumption for a lot of things and in other areas i’m still socially retarded. like i’ve NEVER gone to a bar by myself. Ever. And up until a few weeks ago, I’ve never gone to a party or a movie alone. Those were two huge steps for me. I started hyperventilating — but I did it.
Me and glasses represent a lot of things in my head: and I can still see the very insecure, tall, too smart lisa (uh, i was always the only girl in my AP classes for a long time) who would have killed to be a dingbat if it meant that she would get a freaking date.
it’s funny.
in a lot of ways, sitting here writing this, i’ve realized that while a lot of what i’ve written may seem convoluted, there is a story here and an important one at that. i’m 27 now and i’ve realized that for the first time in a very long time, i really and i mean REALLY like who i am. while things like quitting smoking, working on my book or wearing glasses aren’t really true answers, they are paths that lead to idea of what i wanted. the problem has always been that my own representation of myself has never been as well clarified as i had always hoped it was. i always got so angry when people would just ASSUME that i was one thing when i always saw myself as being another and the wonder why there was always so many misconceptions of me.
i know it goes back to some of the original ideas i had when i was younger, that if someone really liked me (in any sense) that they would get the time to know me on a more intimate level. if they didn’t take that time or energy to invest in me — is this someone i really want in my life?
i’ve spent nearly 14 years shadowboxing the world. and i know it is because of this that people find me “amusing” because f the paradox i seemingly create. all sides are equal but they don’t match up.
i don’t think i’ll ever stop protecting myself from being hurt. likewise i don’t think i’ll stop putting people through tests but i know it’s that wearing glasses and getting pierced are really saying: if you like me, like me for my mind NOT because of what i look like or how many holes i have in my body (this is not discounting physical attractiveness — because i can be fairly shallow — but you know what i mean).
i know this is why i’ll always luv my pawly, because he gets me in a lot of root base desires that others don’t. and my danny for seeing a lot of the sides that i have and still caring about me regardless. and justin for initially setting me on the path. for shelly whose known me longer than anyone else. for bean for making me laugh and being geeky with me. and cartoon boy, who always asked the right questions and got me thinking about stuff and thinking that maybe someone would like me for being real.
a lot of who i am has everything to do with who you guys are.
i seemingly reflect the best that you all are.
i love you guys.

on that note, i’m taking off for Fresno for the day. I have to go do some “work” or something. I don’t know when i’ll be back. i have a lot of stuff to catch up on and then i take off for Memphis on Wednesday. 🙂 i may or may not update the chronicle until i get there — so be forewarned.
my favorite holiday is Halloween.
because everyday is like Halloween.
x0x0x0x0x,
moi a la mode

livin’ la vida loca

so there i was, all snug as a bug in a rug.
with one leg under the covers and the other leg over the covers as it were my style. then all of a sudden i hear:
OAKLAND POLICE! WAKE UP!
what?
I stumble out of bed, justin stumbles off the floor. flashlights shining in our eyes. we flip the bedroom light on, and a female cop is standing right there, wanting to know a few things.
over a week ago, i got the message from Cathleen that Christine was going to be back in town and was showing up that evening. She was driving in from Vegas and her ETA was around 11pm. Cathleen changed the message on the answering machine to reflect this as well as leave her a note — as Christine was going to be staying with us.
Um, okay, thanks for telling me.
So, as the story goes, seems that Christine and her ex-bf/lover/fiancee/whatever have a child together and that they have been sharing custody for the last 8-9 years. It seems that they can’t get along and are always fighting about who gets the child when. Knowing what I know of Christine, this doesn’t surprise me as her life has always been — uh — interesting to say the least.
I come home from work a week ago Monday to show Cat the kittens when we notice that Christine and her daughter are laying down in Cathleen’s room. Seems that Christines car died and she and the kid were going to be camping at our place for awhile.
I luv it when people ask me for my opinion on such matters.
i get insta-grouchy because i hate people intruding on my space. plus i was quitting smoking. plus other people were being grumpy. plus one of my friends got jilted at the alter. it wasn’t a good week.
so Thursday night, i come home from teaching internet 101 and notice that both christine and the kid are gone. justin and i both sighed huge sighs of relief as neither one of us could take it much more. everything seemingly is back to normal — until tonight.
it seems that the ex-lover/fiancee/bf/whatever has been calling here all last week and this week claiming that Christine is here. Cathleen spoke to him several times over the weekend and was yelling at him that Christine was NO LONGER HERE and that he needed to stop calling. It also seems that he’s been doing drive-by’s on our house AND it seems that the cops showed up LAST week as well, cept this time our house was locked up and I was dead to the world sleeping and didn’t know that they were here.
What happened tonight, was this:
Since we were defrosting our fridge, we had ordered out for Chinese. my stomach was feeling funky and justin wasn’t feeling hot either so we were laying down on the couches watching a movie. I get online and talk to cartoon boy for awhile, write a chronicle and then go to bed. Cathleen and Charlie are outside in the backyard and we think nothing about the fact that the back door is wide open.
it’s about 11pm.
at 2am and some change, the cops show up and /walk in/. the back door was wide open, the front security door was unlocked. the ex-lover/bf/fiancee claims to have seen Christine and the child sitting on our front porch no more then 1/2 hour before this. the guy is smoking crack.
so i’m all pissed off at being awaken in the middle of the night. i was having a great dream — damn if i can remember it now.
cops start questioning me about this whole fiasco, which thankfully, i really know nothing about. they ask to search the place, i tell them to go for it. i walk to the front porch and check to see WHY our security door was open. turns out that both justin and i forgot to check the doors when we went to bed — didn’t think to actually because cathleen was in the backyard. it seems that cathleen and Charlie had taken off sometime earlier.
as i lock the front security door, the ex-fiancee/lover/bf is standing on my front porch. i’m fucking pissed off. i start running off at the mouth and rip him a new asshole. i slam the door and walk back into our dining/computer room. i go and find my glasses. cops come back in after tromping around outside. they found the pot plant (singular not plural) that my idiot roommates are trying to grow in our backyard. They threaten me with possession. I laugh and say whatever, it’s not mine — it’s circumstantial evidence. I’m mouthing off to the cops. Cops tell me to calm down. Justin is telling me to shut the fuck up before my ass gets hauled into jail. i try to clam down. justin is shooting me looks to tell me to keep quiet. i calm down. i cooperate with the cops. i tell them what i know and that they need to talk to Cathleen cos she’s the one whose friends with Christine, not me.
The cop asks me if i have any kids or it was “you obviously do not have any kids” and I said “no, but I have three roommates — that’s enough” and she’s trying to get me to understand the fathers side of the story. And i’m like “look — the point here is that it’s between him and her. and now he’s calling MY house at all hours, picking fights with our other roommate and doing goddamn drive-bys. it’s annoying and it’s unnecessary. he was told all last week that she wasn’t here (mostly true) and he’s freaking lying about her being here tonight because she wasn’t.” so the female cop and i go round and round about this and she takes my name and our phone number and leaves. as i escort her out the door, she says something about “well, as for the marijuana plant, i don’t care — personally i think it should be legal.” like she’s doing me a favor! IT WAS NOT MINE! I DONT SMOKE THE DAMN SHIT! gash.
so, then guess who shows up but Cathleen and Charlie.
Justin and I go to the store to get milk since I’m making cawfee. Come back and the cops are interrogating my other roommies now. Justin tries making light of the situation but i’m repulsed by the white trashiness of it all — especially with how our house looks at that moment. I mean, jesus christ, who would think I would wake up with OPD in my fucking bedroom?
cops leave and cathleen saunters in drunk. she wants to talk about it – she’s been crying. i’m too angry to talk about it. i tell her i’ll talk to her in the morning. we end up talking about it. i tell her i don’t want christine or her problems back at the house. it seems that for the last year we always end up getting in the middle of something. cathleen agrees. i knwo she’s her friend and I feel bad, but SHIT! When cops start entering my life – it’s a whole different manner.
So, here I am, several hours later and nearly two pots of cawfee down my throat. I didn’t think about having a cig with this whole fiasco going on — really. but i do realize that normally i would be sitting here chain smoking when i’m sitting here chomping on gum.
and my stomach still aches — but that is okay.

Other than the whole quitting smoking thing (it’s day 7 now — go me), this whole damn week has been weird.
Cartoon boy and I got into a little tiff as the time gets closer for me to go to Memphis. This pissed me off. I felt like he was having issues and I also felt like I was being punished because I liked him. because I do. I like him like him. I think he’s really keen. And he thought i was coming there to rock his world — i already know that i rock his world! I don’t need to go to Memphis to prove that!:P
I told him a 100 thousand times that i don’t expect anything — however that does not mean that i’m going to reject the idea of us getting together romantically — but I can’t think that far ahead. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHERE I’M GOING TO BE IN TWO MONTHS! he doesn’t want a girlfriend — it’s like we were both screaming about what we don’t want and neither one of us were really listening to the other. so i get all pissed off and moped around the house, pacing for a cigarette. but we made up and decided to let it go — which means that we ain’t talking about it and whatever happens happens. but i won’t be punished for liking him nor will i be punished because he likes me — that ain’t happening. it dawns on me that i feel like i’m breaking some sort of silence here — meaning that by not talking bout it, it doesn’t exist. but damnit, it’s bugging me. and if he’s gonna get angry at me for that, then fuck ’em. i stood up to OPD, i’m not letting some wussy cartoonist intimidate me. 😛 but we made up and now i’m going to Memphis — so whatever happens happens — i can’t think that far ahead — i don’t want to.
see the thing about cartoon boy and i is that there is no like /set groundwork/ for what we are. at the very least we are friends — very good friends. we’ve been orbiting each other for nearly two months now. you cannot be a part of someone’s life as intensely as we have been without feeling /something/. i mean, we both have been gushing over the other via our webpages. the whole world has been watching our relationship blossom. it’s weird. it’s not private nor is it intimate. i realize that bugs me a bit. he keeps threatening to leave his cam on the whole time i’m there. i’ll sock him if he does, but i know he’s only teasing me.
anyway, for once i can’t control the situation and i can’t predict what’s going to happen — and honestly , i like it like that. and i personally think it’s damn silly that we were arguing about it (to be honest — that’s the only thing we argue about when we have argued). and i think that by doing so, we are already adding unnecessary pressure. i think we will honestly be fine. he always plays the devils advocate and i play the optimist.
“i’m not a gambling man lisa — i always lose.”
“stick with me kid, i always win.”

and then! i get the news that one of my best friends was going to marry a guy (out of the blue) that she has been seeing on and off for nearly nine years. but see — he’s an ex-con, drug addict and he’s beaten her up more than once. he semi-kidnapped her son and took her car and had me worrying to bits about her because of this. she then tells me that he didn’t show up for the wedding and when she does end up talking to him again, finds out he’s got the preliminary paperwork for marrying ANOTHER GIRL (whose in jail right now for felionous assault)!!! I mean, hello here!! lets look at the big picture shall we? He’s beaten my friend up, he’s stolen money from her — and she keeps telling me she’s in love with him! Argh!! and now she’s telling me that she’s asked him to move in with her!?!? I told her if that were so — then i’m making NO PLANS to move in with her — I don’t want that crap in my life. Let’s use tonight as an example shall we.
I told her I loved her (I do) and I worry about her — but it’s her life. She knows how I feel about this whole thing. But i wash my whole hands of the matter. and she knows that i’ll always be there for her — just — not when he’s around, I won’t do it. I refuse to.
I utterly realize that the two above people will be pissed of (rightly so I’m thinking) that i’m discussing this so publicly but you know what? I don’t care. It’s a part of my life. deal with it.
so now it’s 5am and i find that i want to laugh because it all seems so absurd. i always joke about how i love melodrama but i’m getting pretty convinced that someone up there doesn’t like me.
For instance, I’ve applied to five schools: UofMemphis, Western Michigan U, Michigan State, Old Dominion U, UofGeorgia Athens.
Western has already accepted me.
Michigan State and UofGeorgia Athens did not due to that my application was not in on time.
Old Dominion won’t return my fucking phone calls.
UofMemphis claims it needs my HIGH SCHOOL TRANSCRIPTS before processing my application. Uh — okay. When I asked “why”, find out that since I have less than 60 credits that they need to find out what classes I took in high school. I was like “Jesus christ, I went to TWO high schools in TWO countries and also took my GED.” Then I had to fight with them on THAT and research Michigan Department of Education on where to have my GED scores sent to them. Yesh, theoretically I never “graduated from high school”. I got a lot of shit from my parents and my brother who loves teasing me about the fact that I never “finished” high school. My mother loves rubbing it in, the fucking bitch. If you want to lose me as a friend, you start bringing this up. I will, never ever, talk to you again. My IQ is 145 and i scored something like 1300 on my SAT’s and scored in the top 3-5% on my GED. I don’t need to prove my intelligence to ANYONE. thank you please drive through.
Suddenly I’m feeling very defensive and shtuff.
I don’t want to today — I’m feeling overall pretty good despite everything. So, I think I’ll leave this at that then.
An Announcement
For the last couple of weeks I’ve been writing about my experiences on finding other journals on the web. And to my surprise, I’m finding that I’m more popular than I thought. Which kind of surprises me. Well, wait, I’m an egotistical bitch — I know I rock.
But anyway! One thing I’ve been noticing is that there is a few web sites that have been doing a new “entry” everyday in some sort of genre. bittersweets.org specializes in love lost. ember.org specializes in falling in love or first time love. kvetch.com specializes in complaining.
so i was thinking about how i had a domain that wasn’t being utilized and i realize that it would be neat to have a new entry, if you will, everyday of a quip of someone’s life. real or made up, it did not matter, but i thought it could encompass everything. there are no plots, guidelines or characters. all you need is an immagination.
On saturday I launched TrippingOnStars. Every day, a new quip will be put up showcasing a peek into someone’s life — real and imaginary. Go check it out and let me know what you think.
and so..
now it’s later and i have already driven Justin to BART (cos he’s too lazy to walk). justin had gone back to bed after the cops had left and woke up humming the song “Bad Boys” from “Cops” — and telling me that if I would have kept running my mouth I would have ended up being someone’s bitch in jail. heh. i can see it now. that would have been funny.
i’ve also decided, after two pots of cawfee, that i’m in a pretty good mood today. cheerful. hyper. excited about finally going to the doctors. if your in a grumpy mood — please don’t come talk to me. i don’t want you to rain on my parade.
x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x,
moi

swf iso swm who is tall and funny but never grumpy

i love reading personal ads.
i was going to say that “i don’t know what it is about them” but i do know: i love reading about other peoples desperation and loneliness. makes me feel like i’m not as f00ked in the head as i sometimes think i am.
back in the day, a very close friend of mine and i were doing “alternate” personalities via Yahoo! ads. he put an ad up and i replied as “something else other than lisa”. it was shits and giggles and we had fun doing it. basically we would get as blunt as possible to see if anyone would reply to our ad. they never would though, it was just kinda amusing for our sake.
the thing that tripped me out the most was the fact that i pulled up the “m4w” section looking for “everything” in Yahoo! Grand Rapids Metro (haha — yeah right) — and nearly 1000 ads came up. 1000. ads. I was like “jesus christ — what’s going on here?” and so i went reading the ads to see what WAS up — and as I suspected:

Most men were married or in some sort of relationship already looking for a “discreet” sex partner. Wifes approval not necessary.
Some were quite blunt in listing just sexual interests.
Others were looking for “activity” partners — which reading between the lines followed up with #2.
Those who /were/ looking for love, seemingly were quite desperate about it “i’m a shot balding CCR, divorced 2x with 4 kids.” It scared me.

I think that the thing that gets me is that we can learn so much about our society as a whole from reading our personal ads. yeah true, there is no better way really to meet someone of like interests, but they are all these dyed in the whole, hypocrites. i mean, why the fuck get married if you are going to be cheating on her? why stay in a relationship if you ain’t getting all your needs met? I don’t understand this.
maybe it’s not really about the personal ads per se, but that whole “religious true republican” facade i grew up with while living in Grand Rapids. Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with personal ads. When I first moved to SF, I placed an ad in one of the local on-line newspapers — i wanted to meet people for pete’s sake. what i got was actually a bunch of bmw driving, cell phone carrying, wine drinking, coding freaks. i dunno. my roommates and i went on a calling spree one night and met up with some guys off of one of the ads (all of us later lucked out) — but it seems to me that for the most part, these ads never really convey the whole person. I mean, yeah it’s great that your this that and then some, but how can you discrene who really is for you by a few lines of text?
i really am beginning to hate 2-dimensional relationships. jaffo keeps kicking me in the ass and telling me to find a real man around here. i think he keeps forgetting that i live in SF — there are no real men — just a lot of faggots (i’m a fag hag, I CAN say that word).
besides.
i have a date coming up next week.
gots to look my best!
tomorrow i go to the doctor.
for the last month i haven’t been feeling too swift. i thought i was pregnant: two tests and my period proved me wrong. my stomach feels like someone shoved a air condenser up me and pumped away. it hurts. i can’t eat. i’m tired of none of my fucking clothes fitting.
basically, i’m feeling grumpy.
i dun wanna be grumpy. i have a tall southern boy i need to wrap around my finger in a little over a week.
i’ll let you all know how the doctor appointment went.
it’s probably just stress.
x0x0x0x0x0x,
moi

simon templar

can someone please tell me about my own preoccupation with the stupid movie the saint?
i don’t know how many times i’ve seen this piece of drek but when it’s on, i /always/ watch it. maybe it’s the gadgets? the neat toys and geeky stuff. maybe it the science that got me interested in cold fusion? maybe it was magic and adventure — all girls want some sort of an adventure in their life.
whatever the reason (and it’s certainly not the fact i /like/ the movie), i watched it again this morning. hehe.
i’ve really been giggling a lot these past few days and i don’t know why. i am seemingly becoming too freaking cheerful for my own good. i am annoying my own damn self.
yesterday I read on maura.com that she hates people who sign with their middle initial. amused i emailed back and said i hated people who sign with two last names. i’m one of those people who sign with the middle initial. maybe it’s because with the intervention of the interweb that i’ve found /other/ lisa rabeys.
i just want to stand out.
i’m becoming disillusioned with journalling recently.
for the last week, i’ve spent an inordinate amount of time doing personal surfing and found that there is this echelon of people who are ‘k-rad’ and ‘ereet’ in doing personal journals. it’s like this big circle of people. i became angry. i felt like i was in high school all over again.
i /hated/ high school, lemme tell you. but i was also depressed, shy and NOT getting along with my parents. I don’t think it’s so much part of the kids hating me anymore but i do think that my own shyness and depression helped fuel whatever paranoia i had about people not liking me.
so i started checking out these damn journals and the following rang true:

They all looked like they were designed by the same person(s).
They all have nearly the exact same content.
They all link to each other.
Sometimes, even the entries are the same.

I mean, jesus christ, it’s like they have this template that gets passed out to everyone — to be “cool” you must do THIS. i found it highly amusing.
i found it flattering that i was linked from some of the pages — but truth be known, i don’ read other peoples journals. i also do not read my own. once it’s written, that’s it, its done. i found that you begin to get feelings for people you’ve never talked to and that is just way too intimate for me. i’ve “fallen in love” with people briefly over journals and it’s too much.

“You know, the people here, all they wanna do is pick you apart. trouble is: they don’t have time to put you back together again.
“i hate the internet.
“i’ve thought about moving my webpages to Europe, Michigan, Virginia or hell, maybe even Tennessee.”

and here is other stuff that bugs me, this whole “If you know me in real life, please don’t read this” or the whole “private vs public” diaries. I mean, christ! get over yourself – if you are really that insecure or paranoid than what the fuck are you doing on Internet? I mean, it’s like at work, I got into this argument with the guy who manages our NOC. He was having a tizzy about our new email naming scheme is firstname.lastnamd@company.com, and he said that scheme was a security hole because SOMEONE could get his personal information from that naming scheme and pretend to be him on the internet. Uh, I laughed. hehe. Really. I emailed back and said that:
a. if you are that paranoid about security, then stop using your firstname and lastname in your email address such as so:
Lisa Rabey (lisa@simunye.org). I mean, this is no different than firstname.lastname@company.com.
b. secondly, uh, hehe, anyone can impersonate anyone on the internet. ITS NOT THAT HARD. the new naming scheme doesn’t provide extra security or lack of security. i mean christ, get over it. hehe.
but anyway, hehe, okay damnit lisa stop giggling.
i quit smoking and i sleep better and my personality over the last few days save for the torturous first few days has been giggly. hehe. ARGH! god! and it wouldn’t be any less annoying cept i’m sitting here /really/ giggling.
smoke free for FIVE days.
I better get some mother fucking props here people.
anyway, so i was commenting about this elitism on the web to someone and its like, to me, the one reason why i love the interweb so much is that it gave me the expression and the means to be myself and i’m finding that people are slipping into being something they aren’t, in order to be cool, by following the appropriate trends.
lemme be the molly ringwalds then of journalling, because i am:
loud, obnoxious, smart, aggressive, cute, i talk a lot, i’m tall, i’m pierced. if you know me, you HAVE to get the point that i may or may not put something up here about you. if you ASK me not to mention you, for whatever reason, that’s fine, just DONT tell me. it’ll piss me off. you have to get the point that i’ve spent incredible amount of time documenting my life and feelings and i’m not changing this for no one. if you don’t like what you read here, i’m sorry, that’s too damn bad. it’s “my” life and “my” perception of it. I will never do a private or password protected journal, i mean that’s just plain wrong!
this is me, take it or leave it.
oh yeah, and i also hate this whole like surrealistic look that journals are getting these days. i mean, okay yeah this is the interweb where everything is surreal but see, to me, maybe i’m crazy, but it’s also very real. it’s given the opportunity to say things i would have never said before or even given me the courage to do the things i didn’t think i would ever do. i think that by saying “well, don’t take me seriously” or “well, i don’t want people to know or read this” THEN GET YOUR DAMN ASS OF THE INTERNET! i’m serious. it should be all about freedom baby and expression, not about restriction.
now if you’ll excuse me, the sun is calling my pasty supple ass out to be outside.
x0x0x0x0x,
moi