working it
I hardly talk about clothes (one of my favorite passions) in my chronicles. It seems a bit shallow or maybe a bit self-indulgent. However, something occurred yesterday that was humorous that I just have to share.
Yesterday (1.25.99), I was wearing a gray skirt, light pistachio colored shirt and black chunky shoes. I also was wearing my usual three necklaces (two chokers and a pendent that hung a bit above my cleavage. I also had on a dark green wool sweater jacket as it was fairly warm in SF yesterday.
Got the picture in your head? Good.
So I’m leaning up against the wall, waiting for the 10a class to exit so that I could hit my 11a class. A few girls walked by me, checking me out (women always check out what other women are wearing, no matter what). This black girl comes up to me and says:
her: Where did you get that skirt?
me: *thinking* Eddie Baur.
her: Girl, you’ve got it going ON! I like it.
me: thanks.
She then literally, snaps her fingers in z formation and left.
I was a bit amused and feeling a tad more confident. I get told, over and over again, by women, men (bi,gay and straight) that my self-confidence and clothing carries really well. I was told by one person that one of the only reasons he gravitated towards me at work (he’s bi) was because I was the only one who knew how to dress.
I’ve never really thought so, personally. My trend for clothing tends to stick to a few classics and whatever funky stuff I can find. People _want_ to go shopping with me. I’ve had several offers to go shopping in Chicago (when I lived in Michigan) and downtown San Fran since my early 20’s. I also had another friend who said that he would LOVE (he’s gay) to go shopping with me in Toronto, because he knew I would be so much fun. I would assume this is a good thing. I keep clothing for long periods of time, even if I can’t wear it, to motivate me to lose weight. I’ve got a few skirts right now I _used_ to wear to motivate me even more to drop the poundage. But that is neither here nor there.
I try and make it a habit of not matching my pieces. For instance, last week or so, I wore the same gray skirt with a brown polyester button down and a burgundy sweater. I got compliments up the ying-yang about it. People just love the way I dress. If I were to name favorite fabrics, it would be: polyester, rayon and cotton. a poly-blend is also pretty nice. One of these years, I should throw up the photo-album i have of me since childhood, but I haven’t seriously thought about it. I need to do a few more pics of me in the now, as hardly anyone outside immediate friends and co-workers has seen my short hair (which is now red — again). Another project for the future.
deferment
Since I have gone back to college, I can defer my student loans. However, I only pay $50 bucks a month for them. My roommate, who has both her undergrad and grad from Berkeley in Poly Sci, has had her loans kick in to the tune of $750 PER MONTH. Shite. That is about the price of some mortgages. However, she found a way around that.
She and I were talking last night, and she realized that if she took 6 credits this semester, not only would she not have to pay her student loans they would also be deferred for another 6 months AFTER the last class. But if she takes 6 credits a semester — lord knows how long before she has to kick the funds back to the loan agencies. She’s not working towards any other degree — well, her doctorate, but the classes she is taking doesn’t count for that. She’s taking “fun” classes. She and I both were thinking about taking Western African Dance at Laney college. I imitated some sort of fucked up version of my interpretation of African dance. It sent Justin into peals of laughter.
The cool thing about California community colleges is that credits are 12 bucks a credit hour. In Michigan, I was paying 50. Talk about savings. Cathleen figured that a 200 dollar investment _now_ ($72 for classes, the rest for books) would be far worth it now then to kill herself paying back the student loans.
I hereby claim myself perpetual student!
Year: 1999
Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
intense copper red
the weekend is almost over, but unlike every other weekend this time it’s different. I wish I could give a better description (as justin is sitting here kneading my shoulders) but I can’t. I just feel completely and totally in love with the world at the moment.
interlude
Jeff S. or Jeff Z.?
Shit. I’m going to go with Jeff S. Justin and I were sitting here debating about it. I had no interest in looking at Jeff Z’s kitty cam, I just need a pic to compare the two to see who was who. Goddamnit! 😉
I’m really hoping that Jeff S. isn’t going to be too pissed for me swiping this picture. Strange, the last picture I have of Jeff S. shows him in this 80’s haircut from when he graduated from college (in 96). he’s cute, but not the hottie you see before you. If it is Jeff Z? Big deal. I would much prefer it to be Jeff S.
What is also strange is this dream I had last night. In fact I had several dreams. One of them was me getting with two girls (not at the same time mind you). must have been a wet dream 😉
the other dream was I was with this man and it wasn’t someone that i had ever been with before in any context. and he was my true love. either i’m wishful thinking or watching too many movies. but i felt so goddamn happy when I woke up. Jesus, someone smack me. I’m not perky polly!
Anyway, this picture looks remarkably like that guy. What if it is Jeff Z? Well like I said, it looks remarkably like that guy. If it is Jeff S.?
Well, unfortunately, I ruled out all men in the state of Pennsylvania, so either he would have to move or it isn’t him.
but it’s a nice thought.
murder
now for the depressive part of the list, my friend shelly called me the other night to tell me that Larry had been murdered. Larry is her sons Marcus father. Seems that Larry has been working these last few years at this club in G-Rap called 54th Street. I used to go there on occasion. He bounces the door and one night (that night) a few patrons were attempting to get inside the club when they knew the bar was closing. Larry kept attempting to keep them out. One of the guys pulled a gun on him and shot him in the face. The bullet went right up his nose and through his brain. He was pronounced dead at 5:30am in the morning.
I knew Larry as well, and I felt horribly guilty about his death. I know, I know, it was not my fault. But it always kills me when someone who is attempting to get their life together ends up dying violently. Shelly is faring pretty well. She and Marcus are going to be driving up to Michigan (from Virginia) for the funeral later on this week. I was tempted to go as well but I couldn’t take the time off and I would be there more for Shelly then for Larry’s family. Shelly said that was quite okay with her, as she had already was fine and was more concerned about Marcus then anything else.
cute boyz
There are two cute boys in my poly sci class. None in my cultural anth class, none in my physics class and 1 cute boy in my tragic drama’s in Greek history class. I’m set.
old friends
I popped my email today to find that I had gotten a letter from an old school friend of mine, Jenni Lusk. Jenni and I go -way- back (to 10th grade even). I haven’t spoken to her (or really anyone) since I moved to cali. I immediately emailed her back and gave her all my phone numbers. She called a bit later.
It was wonderful speaking to her. I hadn’t spoken to her in ages. We caught up on her and her son Dalton’s life as well as people we both knew. Seemed that everyone had the same thing going on and nothing had really changed. It was strange that I was just thinking of her and Julie a few days ago and wondering how they were. I didn’t get a chance to speak to either one of them when I went back home to G-Rap for Christmas. I had mostly figured that they had all moved away, which is obviously common in people in my age group.
We talked for about an hour or so, catching up on things.
Sometimes I really, really miss home.
still breathing
I saw the most amazing film this weekend.
still breathing.
Justin, as always, fell asleep and snored through it. I’m attempting to find words to describe the movie. But the thoughts are escaping me at this moment. The movie is defientely lush in it’s cinematography. It almost made me want to move to San Antonio, Texas because the scenery was so fantastic. It’s the story of two hard-headed pessimists who fall in love. not just any type of love, but true love. you know, the kind i’m sort of desentized to now. 😉
I don’t know what it is about that movie, but I feel ‘hopeful’. I can’t quite explain how I feel other than things feel, taste and smell different to me. I’ve been a strange mood all day. One of neither hyperness, excitable, or anything that would convey some sort of “happy” emotion. I just feel “hopeful” about things now. Maybe it’s the fact I’m heading back to school (and it’s already started! wooo!) or maybe because jeff s. emailed me today out of the blue to show me his cam. or maybe because while people are sneering at my short hair, i’m absolutely loving it. I have no idea what it is that is making me feel so damn happy, i just am!
I felt, watching that movie, that i was missing a lot of out my life. It wasn’t really about who I was with (Justin) or what I was doing, it was internal. completely. strange how movies make you feel sometimes. I remember when I had seen Map of the Human Heart a few years ago, I felt the same thing: hopeful.
skool
As many of you probably already know, i’m hitting the books starting today.
I have been talking about going back to school for the last two years, since I left in spring of 96, but never got around to it. I dreamed about it, thought about it, scammed for it, but nothing occurred. Finally, I sat down with myself and said “look, you -are not- getting any younger. you have to take the opportunities -now- or else you will regret not finishing your degree.” so true. I don’t care on how I do it, but I want to finish my degree by the time I am 30. That’s the only stipulation. I’ve thought about what I could do, and realistically I could finish it this semester. If I took 22 credits, plus work full time, plus this and that. I was very tempted to take an NT course because then I could say I had -some- certification. My boss Don thinks that I should go into computers because I’m talented, and a degree would get me anywhere. But I want to be a writer -> though the money is in computers. Nothing is saying that I can’t do both. A person who has a CS degree can do just about anything -> really. I never applied to half of the jobs that I wanted because I’m not certified. I’m all self taught. Shit. I’m having issues at 6:20am in the morning. I can’t be having that! Hrm.
I think I will go take a look at the course catalog right now and see what’s happening.
1 hour later
sweet!
Found all the courses that I wanted and was able to set it up so that I won’t be killing myself. Somehow I managed on getting 20 credits this semester (just 2 shy of graduation), however it doesn’t seem like that bad of a schedule. this is what I’m signing up for:
- Political theory
- US History
- Elementary Physics
- Philosophy of Religion
- Cultural Anthropology
- Elementary French
Sweet huh?
I’m pretty stoked about my classes. See, I’ve already completed all the basics except for the humanities qualifications as well as my stupid history class. I have two I(ncompletes) due to my accident in 1994, but I kept reneging on finishing those up. Ugh. Plus a science class is needed. The astronomy classes were lame 😉 Nothing like what was offered at GRCC
So I got my unofficial transcripts faxed to me yesterday. It was cool. My overall GPA was higher than anticipated (I hadn’t even though I had hit a 2.0) and I’m just shy of a 3.0. I was so stoked. I just needed a 2.0 to get into a major college. Surprisingly enough, I could have applied to a multitude of colleges and gotten in based on my scores already. Plus add in all the extra-curricular work I did on the outside, I’m not as bad as I thought. But, I want to go to school -now- and am doing it -now-. You can’t transfer more than x amount of classes to certain colleges, but I have 38 credits thus far (thought I had more) so that’s fine as well. This will put me at 58 (if I take all classes and complete all classes). I’m soo stoked. badda boom badda bang 🙂
interweb 101
the internet is so damn cool sometimes. i constantly am amazed at what you can do.
i just went to Grand Valley State University and Michigan Secretary of State web pages and found information that I needed. i was able to apply on-line to GVSU and figure out what I owed in damn speeding tickets in the state of Michigan ($264 bucks). This shit is so rad sometimes, I almost have an orgasm.
I have to go get ready for class.
I wonder if that cute boy will be there 😉
pussy galore
I had spent a good portion of my night last night making sure this damn thing was redone. I had enjoyed doing the site with more fervor than I had thought possible. I’m in love with my new design and also how it looks overall. Fresh/clean/sparky, I think it reflects me in many ways that other designs haven’t been able to. I believe the information is more up to date and current and isn’t all text based (which it was before). It’s amazing how three graphics, two colors and drop shadow (and a partridge in a pear tree) can make a site look. I still refuse to do heavy graphic intense pages along with javascript/java/midi/blinking intense pages as well. There simply is no need for it.
make a new friend/keep the old
While doing the website last night, I came to the conclusion that I needed to have an archive page. Sure, I’ve been doing TLC for nearly eight months now, longest running span in any format in the four years I’ve been doing this sort of thing. So, I started stockpiling all my old “works” on the archive page and THAT alone took several hours. Why? Well for one, when Slip.Net lost my main website for simunye.com, I had lost nearly a 1000 files, including the work I had saved while mirroring F.U.C.K.. I have written 10-15 pieces within a years span for them, and then it was all gone. It made me realize that my writings was woefully out of date. I had not updated it since early 1998 as well as have “forgotten” that it existed.
It was as if I was trying to hide something.
So, for nearly two hours, I spent playing hide & seek looking for the lost files and getting them all organized on the archive section. It felt -really really- good to read some of my old things. I still think a bunch of it is crap-o-la, but hey, that’s just me. I plan on updating the year in review: 1997 as well as do one for 1998. It was scary to think just how much of my life is now on the web. With putting up these pieces, I realize and see how much I’ve grown/change as well as the world around me. Enjoy.
our little secret
If you are a fan of techno/industrial/house/dance music (or whatever they are calling it these days), may I suggest that you pick up Lords of Acid’s newest cd Our Little Secret. I had the opportunity to check it out when I was back home in Michigan, and loved it. I haven’t purchased the full length cd as of yet, but I did get their cd-maxi-single of Pussy, which has several re-mixes as well as the song The Power is Mine. I’ve been walking around humming the damn thing for a few days now, so you -really- must pick it up.
amazon bitch queen
I’ve been trying really hard to not be so damn bitchy, but goddamn it! people’s stupidity really gets me. On a mailing list that I am on, the talk turned to polyamory, relationships, men vs women, and some of the comments really irked me. Of course, John only invited me on the list to play devils advocate. Sigh. I really hate that shit. Women tripping all over themselves to be “cool” while the men sit back and laugh. No matter where you go or what you do, the shit just don’t change!
My main loneliness, I would assume, is because I can’t get anyone to understand me. I am haunted by words from friends that keep telling me that I do this and I do that. I used to care about these things, and would take it to heart when people said things to me, but it just is so damn lonely. I feel so Randian. You know, sticking up for my beliefs when no one else will.
But there is a plus side to all of this.
This being that the topics discussed as so wide varied and so full of piss/vinegar, I get a chance to think again. It feels refreshing to be able to think about what I am going to say and really attempt to explain my views. It gives me a chance to do things that I haven’t thought about in eons. Things I’ve wanted to write about and never did. I still have a listing of all the short stories and poems I wanted to complete. I’m strange. I create titles for the projects BEFORE I write them. It’s the only way I can really feel like I have a good handle on what I want to say. So even if I have to make a conscious effort to write about the stuff that I really want to. Commentary on daily life, my style. I’ve always given a different spin on things, because obviously reality is really subjective. 😉
Five months from today…
I will be 27.
*shiver*
101-ROM error
I am surrounded by four computers: Windows 3.11/95/98 and NT 4.0 workstation. I am proficient on all of them. I am frightened by that aspect.
Shit I fucked up. I am building our software using IEAK and I forgot to put in the dialer and the stack. Aww well. Don said “whatever it takes”. So I’m doing “whatever it takes”. Don also thought it was appropriate to give me a Dilbert cartoon from January 10th. Pretty much it’s about Wally bitching to his boss about how the “expected” amount of time it takes to complete a project as well as the “realistic” amount of time it takes to complete a project are two complete different things. This is true. They want this fucking software like three weeks ago, however, since i’m also in charge of end user support/GO! and building out other machines, I’m just curious as to where in my copious free time I am to do this all. Let’s not also forget that twinkletoes also bestows x,y,z things for me to do.
So now I’m killing time waiting for Internet Explorer to install itself on Windows 3.x machine (which is ironically has 16MB of ram on a 486/66 with a 400MB hard drive). So I’ll be here for awhile. While I’m waiting, I’m going to go get lunch. Chinese probably. Where a girl here found a half-cutup cockroach. 😉
beautiful dreamer
so you are all probably wondering if I died or not. Nope. However, the amusing thing is that I literally brought the new year in with a bang with leaving the anal sex story up on my site for nearly a month. 🙂 Well it was funny to an extent. It didn’t dawn on me (like it never does) that i would literally hang out with people after they have read my diaries. Meaning, when having dinner with Esther and friends over the past few days, didn’t dawn on me that her reading my entires would have her think of me any differently. truth is, i would be giggling up a storm if i sat with people that were having problems having anal sex. 🙂 But that is just me.
Hope that everyone had a kicking new years and Christmas. I made out like a bandit this year. Perfume and a sweater from Justin (along with a love note), new handbags from Cathleen. Flowers and money from Dad. Money from mom. Danny took the cake by getting me my belly button repierced, a gift certificate to Barnes and noble, a chocolate orange, and hot tubbing! We had the BEST time in GR. Gads, I want to move back so bad. But everyone thinks I’m on crack. My brother, mother, Sherry and Danny all said that I had to stop smoking the pipe. I would hate it, I was romanticizing it, glamorizing it. The whole nine yards.
Truth is, I probably was. But see, I feel loved in GR. I felt like things had taken a stance. The irony was, that i kept looking around for people I knew, except I didn’t see them anymore. And then I realized, I didn’t care. I had the important people in my life already, so finding some slobs wasn’t really worth it.
But I felt more “me” when i was in GR then when I’m in the bay area. Okay, true, the bay area ain’t got nothing (entertainment wise) on GR. nothing probably does, however, this area does suck unless you are making the fat cash.
plans plans plans.
gotta make the plans 🙂
olive juice
say it really slow.
trust me on this.
Lisa’s old skool sex shop
i’m bored.
today i sat down with danny on icq discussing things. nothing majorly earth shaking, but it was hard having a conversation with him, with Karen at his house and justin flopped on the couch. both were watching the same thing while danny and i talked about everything else. he said “maybe we should hook them up?” jokeningly. i laughed and agreed. justin has been trying to get rid of me for a couple of bucks and a pack of twizzlers, but, so far not even james could come up with the offer.
so we laid down on our bed (justin and i) and attempted to have a long talk. nothing came out of it. since i’ve been back, my sexual drive has dropped to a near zero. i don’t feel enlightened or excited by anything anymore. i’m haunted by the words that sherry said on her trip last year with her then bf bruce. they were having a great time in Florida when it seemed that all bruce wanted to do was have sex. sherry just wanted to go have fun.
but the thing that irked me, was the conversation that danny and i had on the way to the airport. he said something to the tune of “if you were even 1/10th responsive sexually like Karen is, you would NOT be a sexually frustrated woman.” I took that as a major insult and turned my head away. danny didn’t mean anything by it, i’m sure. justin echoed the same thing this evening during our talk. i asked him to spank me, to prove how responsive i am but that didn’t do anything. i felt flabbergasted. me? sexually cold? justin says i need to be more vulnerable around him. he also thinks that the belly button piercing was a bad idea because now i won’t let him touch my tummy. that’s fine. i’m paranoid as it is about having anyone touch my stomach. it’s not rock hard flat, so therefore in my eyes it’s disgusting. i want to be a supermodel. cept i’m too old now. sherry got miffed when i said she was a size 6. she’s actually a size 4.
so to add insult to injury, i now feel like this cold hearted being with no sex drive. lord knows i’ve probably had enough of the stuff to last anyone a lifetime, but i can’t stop thinking about passion or love and mainly with certain people in my life. so when to be told that i’m not sexually responsive or worse yet, that i’m cold and unfeeling, it throws things off the kilter and makes me feel even worse.
>maybe i should just become a lesbian or something.
or maybe just dump justin and live a sexual free life for awhile.
decisions decisions decisions.
basically i’m just mad.
here it is that two people who one hand rate me as being their top lover and then turn around and tell me i suck?
god, why is it always me? not them?
jeff would testify that i was most sexually responsive, but then he would also say i wasn’t vulnerable. so what the fuck?
ARE NOT I THIS PETITE LITTLE FLOWER?
I’m just angry at something. Maybe I should stop worrying and see a shrink and get my head straightened out. i will be the first to admit that i am having issues with sex right now, but i’m NOT COLD and UNRESPONSIVE.
fuck’em.