Got my grades back.
I’m quietly having a nervous breakdown.
feeling very fucked
Got my grades back.
Against my better judgement, I like you.
Got my grades back.
I’m quietly having a nervous breakdown.
One of the great things about being a geek is the capability of having technology with you on the go. However if I was more of a geek, I’d be sitting here on wireless dialup account instead of, well, not.
The Grand Rapids International airport (GRR) is strange in many ways. First off, the security measures here surpass those of even Dulles (IAD) in Washington. My brother had said to me when he was flying out of GRR to IAD to come visit me last summer about the trials and tribulations he had to go through with security when he was waiting for his flight. I didn’t believe him. How could I? For a metro area of several hundred thousand people, many don’t seem to leave, and it would seem difficult to comprehend the idea that the security at GRR would surpass that of IAD.
I feel more and more out of place when I talk about my travels when in my own mind, I do not do more than go where I want. In my own eyes, the world is so large and I’ve seen so little, it’s hard to distinguish from what is “well traveled” to what is not. I guess it does sound a bit exotic to say I’ve lived in San Francisco, Washington DC, and Toronto and then come back here to good old GRap as the locals call it. Why would I want to come back?
There was a girl I had worked with at the cawfee shop who had said that her world consisted of Kent County and that was it. She had no desire to travel beyond her “bubble” as she called it. She wanted to get married, have babies, and be a mommy. She was all of 18. She had no desire to see the world or explore outside of her bubble. There are those I know who have traveled outside their boundaries physically and could not comprehend what they saw. I mean that here they are, traveling around the state, country or internationally, and disliked it.
Personally, I don’t know what it is. Is it the restlessness that I feel? Which I automatically think that is really screaming of my own lack of commitment. Can I feel comfortable to one day settle down in one place and be happy or even just content? It is difficult for me to say. The Geography of Michigan class that I’m taking currently shows just how diverse Michigan is, at least from a geographical point of view. There is so much to see and do here (as shocking as that may be when taking into heart my thoughts on Michigan and the Midwest in general), that I feel overwhelmed. I haven’t even been any farther than Traverse City and have yet been to the Upper Peninsula, and for being a “local,” to me that is disgraceful.
Because my trip plans for Europe have fallen through, I had been thinking of renting a cottage up in the UP for a week. Just me. The dogs. My laptop and pray-fully, no internet connection. I have found that the more I live alone, the more I like it. I’m more of private person and now I wonder if I will ever really be happy being with someone in a relationship. I think about that part quite a bit, that my own happiness is coming from within, but yet even at that stage, I would never feel comfortable being with someone else. Things like having a family do equate into this, but I do not ever really see someone else as being by side. I’ve honestly thought that if I was not married or in a committed relationship by the time, I was 35, I would end up having IVF kids. Keth and I joke about that now, but the more I look at it, the more I realize just how much of the truth it may be. I’m not scared of this idea, I guess I’ve always thought that it would be better to raise a child alone than in a relationship where it was abusive, and the issue is that it’s becoming clear with my own relationship choices that abuse is all I know. That is not to say that all the relationships I’ve been were abusive, but it all goes back to Alan and when I had for a brief moment in time the “perfect” relationship in my eyes only to have it blown up in my face – all because he had cheated on me.
Danny says I carry extra guilt left over from my Catholic upbringing, and I’m not quite sure that is true. I can see why he would think that but I’m tired of feeling like I have these rigid set of morals and ideas only to find the world shifts too much into the grey pattern area. Most of it conflicting. Like I do consider emotional cheating to be cheating. I cannot abide by the fact that if you are in a relationship that you would have the audacity of wanting to be with someone else. Oh, I know it’s human relations to look and admire attractive people, that’s fine, but when it becomes something else and ends up being more than a fantasy, then it becomes dangerous. Why get married or be with someone if you don’t, truthfully, want to be with them? That’s never made sense to me and those who know me the best would know the agony I went through prior the separation with Paul. It made me numb. I felt nothing other than I did not want to be here and I had to leave and I could never communicate to those just how difficult it was TO leave. The one thing I did resent was the common ideology that if you are not happy, then just leave, that I could pick up and go and no one seemed to take into account that they only knew my side of the story or even better, they knew only what I would tell them. They did not walk in my shoes and they did not seem to understand when I tried to make the situation clear.
I have this sinking suspicion I’ll always be a solitary person, and that discovery has hurt more than anything else. Not that being solitary is bad, but simply that not having someone by my side would hurt. I’ve dreamed of being with someone, this ‘being’ if you will, that would compliment me as I would compliment them. True wuv. So now, I wonder if I feel disillusioned simply because of past experiences or what the deal is. Hope is there, it’s a small flame, and it’s becoming smaller. In the end, I’m tired of a society that is cruel and malicious and I just wish people were nicer to each other, but that wish doesn’t seem to want to work out.
Keth says, maybe I’m looking too hard? She said to me when I was lamenting about this to her fairly recently and I can see why she would say that. If you’ve searched for “something” for over 30 years, it’s very easy to get discouraged but it’s difficult to keep up hope. It’s difficult to feel that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know there are many difficulties that I have sustained in my life that have bucked the system. I’ve left high school and went back and got my GED. I went to college, only to leave and come back many years later. Things that professionals say are the hardest to do, I’ve done. Yet I feel no satisfaction from these accomplishments.
($Deity save me from ignorant people. Please. A girl in my Geography of Michigan class asked if we had to know the bedrock type. Hello. Geography. Pay ATTENTION! Another woman compared the term ‘outwash’ (the left over silt from glacier movement) to the leftover drippings of Guinness. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.)
You’d think, that with the big to-do about going back to college, I’d write about it. But not one peep has passed these lips in written form since i went back. I don’t know why that is. I found a strange currency within me, the more things that are private, the less i’m apt to write about them. I also found that the more I care about someone, the less I’m to approach them in conflict about a disagreement.
But that is neither here nor there.
This past semester was my fuck-up semester. I allowed myself to work at my own pace and see what happens. I got an A and three Bs, which I was thankful for but I learned if I applied myself, I did well. When I was slack ass, I did above average.
I should be writing my midterm, which is half-finished and due tomorrow.
I should be doing a lot of things, but i’m not. heh.
Alright, so I’m checking email for the fiftieth time today and I get the following spam:
“I would never have believed that my husband of 4 years would cheat on me.
And he didn’t even tell me – I saw his email was full of messages from girls at XXXDate.com who wanted to fuck him! He had a whole folder full of email from women who had already gone to bed with him and had the nerve to thank him for a great time!
These girls sound like total sluts who will fuck anything with a dick. My husband isn’t even good looking he’s overweight and losing his hair and still these girls are all over him.
XXXdate has turned his life into one big sex-capade and I’m mad as hell! So I joined XXXdate just to show him I can fuck more than he can!”
And I’m sitting there kind of dumbstruck. Not that it’s spam but it’s just, the content. I am no prude, by any stretch of the imagination, but I think it’s the current climate of women that are sort of bugging me? I can’t really explain it, it’s like, I’ve never really found it difficult to get a man (yes, i know you’ve heard me bitch about getting laid etc but let me finish here) but it’s the QUALITY of MEN i’m looking at discussing.
Keth and I had this conversation the other night when she called me to tell me she got accepted to UCSC and we ended up chatting for a few hours. The conversation kind rounded around men and our current lack thereof. Now, me personally, I do have crushes on people and some I would say were not crushes and probably some sort of “liking” going on (haha, this is so jr high) but, the crushes cannot be realised (you know, I TALK about henry rollins being my third husband but you know he isn’t going to be — really. maybe.)
I just got my first paper back for ENG303 that I’m taking at UofMaryland, and I got a b-.
But it’s my own damn fault.
I KNEW a month ahead of time when the paper was due. I knew what the paper was going to be about. So what did I do? I waited until the last day it was due, sat around futzing everywhere to write it and finally finished all 3000 words in a shot of glory at 3am Monday morning.
I didn’t edit it, didn’t proof-read it other than spell check and word count (heh) and handed it in. But one thing did make me happy:
You have many interesting ideas to share, and you have the wherewithal to become a good writer. Your vocabulary is strong, and your sentences aim at an admirable complexity. They do not, however, often reach that level, tending instead to break up on the shoals of awkward constructions that make the paper difficult to understand in places. With practice and closer attention to style and the grammatical niceties, you could really develop. For other comments, helpful ones, I hope, see the text of your essays.
On the rating scale of 1-5, I got fours (good) on everything other than ‘grammar’ and ‘communication’. feh. AND I GOT A B-. I’m grumpy. Maybe he’s a tough person — like they don’t get an ‘A’ other than being perfect. I am not perfect (here we go hitting oneself upside the head again).
I’ve been solely neglecting everything, wait I should say de- prioritizing what I should be doing. I need to get myself together and start maybe allocating time to say write the damn novel for NaNoWriMo and writing more here plus the few other blog spots I hang out. Geesh.
I’m off to do homework and write.
I have figured it’s high time i sent out an update. Besides, my updates are more important than answering the phone or doing actual work!
As many of you have probably noticed, modgirl.net has been removed including archives and what not. i am NOT going on hiatus and i am NOT removing modgirl.net perm. I got my grubby little hands on some really great web design software that allows me to be a bit more dynamic, and I gave myself two weeks to get everything under control. However, within those last two weeks, I’ve also had to work late and had lots of over time (which I’m not paid for, i was just doing it to get brownie points) plus we’ve had friends visiting and it would have been Huber rude if i said “hey, my website is more important than you”. So, I’ve neglected it by quite a bit.
I’m giving myself another one week extension to get the work finished. I’m implementing a lot of nifty things such as a search feature and a bit more interactivity. The new website should be unveiled by June 10th. Two days before my 29th birthday.
As I hold desperately to my twenties, I’ve been reexamining my self with Dr. B., the shrink. I saw her yesterday and made my everlasting comment of “I don’t know who I am” and did my song and dance about what roles I’m supposed to be playing in society and where I fit in. She asked me if i had any goals, and other than college, I have none really. She suggested that I read “7 effective habits of highly successful people” or some crap. Plus with all the other books she’s been giving me to read, not only is amazon.com and bn.com love me, but my reading stack has grown considerably. I’m looking at getting some goal and direction in my life. Considering i just plunked down 2500 for two classes including books, i do not want to be having another midlife crisis soon.
So yep, I’ve been accepted to UMUC.edu — which is pretty cool in and of itself since they have a complete program for online distance education and my two classes are completely online. If I do well at UMUC, I may not have to step into a classroom until I start work on my graduate courses. I am, of course, all excited about this. I even ran out and got my library card at the county library system and that gave me more joy than i have known in some time.
i know, a library card — i haven’t had one since I lived in GR back in the early 90s. I love having a library card — cos then books are free! 🙂 There are several public libraries within a few miles of our apartment in NoVa, and I can’t wait when I have to go do a paper and need to pack up my books and papers and study for a few hours. Paul will, of course, be calling the cellphone every two minutes, but that is what the power button is for. 😉
I usually do a big toodoo about my birthday — which is coming up in 13 days, about a month before hand. Lisa-Mas this year will probably be celebrated quietly (or not), but hey, if you feel generous, you can always get me a gift! 😉 wishlist: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/wishlist/2WAB63BL37XRG
Several have said with the amount of items added and the dates, it’s not up to date, but I can assure you, it is 🙂
more later 😀
i got the official acceptance letter from University of Memphis.
I figured out it’s time I stop procrastinating and figured out what to do with my life.
So, on that note. I’ll be back later.
I hardly talk about clothes (one of my favorite passions) in my chronicles. It seems a bit shallow or maybe a bit self-indulgent. However, something occurred yesterday that was humorous that I just have to share.
Yesterday (1.25.99), I was wearing a gray skirt, light pistachio colored shirt and black chunky shoes. I also was wearing my usual three necklaces (two chokers and a pendent that hung a bit above my cleavage. I also had on a dark green wool sweater jacket as it was fairly warm in SF yesterday.
Got the picture in your head? Good.
So I’m leaning up against the wall, waiting for the 10a class to exit so that I could hit my 11a class. A few girls walked by me, checking me out (women always check out what other women are wearing, no matter what). This black girl comes up to me and says:
her: Where did you get that skirt?
me: *thinking* Eddie Baur.
her: Girl, you’ve got it going ON! I like it.
She then literally, snaps her fingers in z formation and left.
I was a bit amused and feeling a tad more confident. I get told, over and over again, by women, men (bi,gay and straight) that my self-confidence and clothing carries really well. I was told by one person that one of the only reasons he gravitated towards me at work (he’s bi) was because I was the only one who knew how to dress.
I’ve never really thought so, personally. My trend for clothing tends to stick to a few classics and whatever funky stuff I can find. People _want_ to go shopping with me. I’ve had several offers to go shopping in Chicago (when I lived in Michigan) and downtown San Fran since my early 20’s. I also had another friend who said that he would LOVE (he’s gay) to go shopping with me in Toronto, because he knew I would be so much fun. I would assume this is a good thing. I keep clothing for long periods of time, even if I can’t wear it, to motivate me to lose weight. I’ve got a few skirts right now I _used_ to wear to motivate me even more to drop the poundage. But that is neither here nor there.
I try and make it a habit of not matching my pieces. For instance, last week or so, I wore the same gray skirt with a brown polyester button down and a burgundy sweater. I got compliments up the ying-yang about it. People just love the way I dress. If I were to name favorite fabrics, it would be: polyester, rayon and cotton. a poly-blend is also pretty nice. One of these years, I should throw up the photo-album i have of me since childhood, but I haven’t seriously thought about it. I need to do a few more pics of me in the now, as hardly anyone outside immediate friends and co-workers has seen my short hair (which is now red — again). Another project for the future.
Since I have gone back to college, I can defer my student loans. However, I only pay $50 bucks a month for them. My roommate, who has both her undergrad and grad from Berkeley in Poly Sci, has had her loans kick in to the tune of $750 PER MONTH. Shite. That is about the price of some mortgages. However, she found a way around that.
She and I were talking last night, and she realized that if she took 6 credits this semester, not only would she not have to pay her student loans they would also be deferred for another 6 months AFTER the last class. But if she takes 6 credits a semester — lord knows how long before she has to kick the funds back to the loan agencies. She’s not working towards any other degree — well, her doctorate, but the classes she is taking doesn’t count for that. She’s taking “fun” classes. She and I both were thinking about taking Western African Dance at Laney college. I imitated some sort of fucked up version of my interpretation of African dance. It sent Justin into peals of laughter.
The cool thing about California community colleges is that credits are 12 bucks a credit hour. In Michigan, I was paying 50. Talk about savings. Cathleen figured that a 200 dollar investment _now_ ($72 for classes, the rest for books) would be far worth it now then to kill herself paying back the student loans.
I hereby claim myself perpetual student!
As many of you probably already know, i’m hitting the books starting today.
I have been talking about going back to school for the last two years, since I left in spring of 96, but never got around to it. I dreamed about it, thought about it, scammed for it, but nothing occurred. Finally, I sat down with myself and said “look, you -are not- getting any younger. you have to take the opportunities -now- or else you will regret not finishing your degree.” so true. I don’t care on how I do it, but I want to finish my degree by the time I am 30. That’s the only stipulation. I’ve thought about what I could do, and realistically I could finish it this semester. If I took 22 credits, plus work full time, plus this and that. I was very tempted to take an NT course because then I could say I had -some- certification. My boss Don thinks that I should go into computers because I’m talented, and a degree would get me anywhere. But I want to be a writer -> though the money is in computers. Nothing is saying that I can’t do both. A person who has a CS degree can do just about anything -> really. I never applied to half of the jobs that I wanted because I’m not certified. I’m all self taught. Shit. I’m having issues at 6:20am in the morning. I can’t be having that! Hrm.
I think I will go take a look at the course catalog right now and see what’s happening.
1 hour later
Found all the courses that I wanted and was able to set it up so that I won’t be killing myself. Somehow I managed on getting 20 credits this semester (just 2 shy of graduation), however it doesn’t seem like that bad of a schedule. this is what I’m signing up for:
I’m pretty stoked about my classes. See, I’ve already completed all the basics except for the humanities qualifications as well as my stupid history class. I have two I(ncompletes) due to my accident in 1994, but I kept reneging on finishing those up. Ugh. Plus a science class is needed. The astronomy classes were lame 😉 Nothing like what was offered at GRCC
So I got my unofficial transcripts faxed to me yesterday. It was cool. My overall GPA was higher than anticipated (I hadn’t even though I had hit a 2.0) and I’m just shy of a 3.0. I was so stoked. I just needed a 2.0 to get into a major college. Surprisingly enough, I could have applied to a multitude of colleges and gotten in based on my scores already. Plus add in all the extra-curricular work I did on the outside, I’m not as bad as I thought. But, I want to go to school -now- and am doing it -now-. You can’t transfer more than x amount of classes to certain colleges, but I have 38 credits thus far (thought I had more) so that’s fine as well. This will put me at 58 (if I take all classes and complete all classes). I’m soo stoked. badda boom badda bang 🙂
the internet is so damn cool sometimes. i constantly am amazed at what you can do.
i just went to Grand Valley State University and Michigan Secretary of State web pages and found information that I needed. i was able to apply on-line to GVSU and figure out what I owed in damn speeding tickets in the state of Michigan ($264 bucks). This shit is so rad sometimes, I almost have an orgasm.
I have to go get ready for class.
I wonder if that cute boy will be there 😉