Month: April 2000

i had spent most of the night crying.
it started when paul and i had gotten into an argument earlier this evening and had escalated when we were sitting opposite of each other on the couches. i was staring at the edge of the coffee table like it was the most interesting thing in the world.
closed.
you don’t talk to me.
you say more on your website than you do to me.
i’m never leaving you.
your problems.
you only hear what you want to hear.
at one point during all of this i had shoved down my shorts and panties, and pulled up my shirt and screamed “i am a woman” as paul claimed i was “being a woman”. (that got a raised eyebrow out of that little stunt).
and we sat and talked.
the same words reverberated over and over.
closed.
you don’t talk to me.
you say more on your website than you do to me.
i’m never leaving you.
your problems.
you only hear what you want to hear.
over. and over. and over.
i sniffled through the rest of the night though other things were going on. packing for paul’s trip to boston. folding laundry. eating dinner. aimless viewing webpages and talking to various people on aol im.
once we had climbed into bed and finished reading my book, paul climbed in being all snugly and cute. and he was tired. we have to get up at 4:45am to make his flight to boston.
———-
when i was about 7 or 8, i remember helping my mom fold the laundry. we had such a large family, that laundry was a daily chore. down to the basement to the washer. up to the kitchen to the dryer and then onto the dining room to be folded. and i remember one time i had gotten the gumption to defy my mother. i had asked her something. i don’t remember what it was pertaining to, but she looked at me and had said “stop trying to manipulate me. this is the way it is.”
all my life people have, in one form or another said that i have manipulated them. and the way i’ve always seen it was that when someone manipulates someone, it’s a conscious decision. they are thinking about some potential harm or evil they want to do to said manipulator. but i’ve never thought that. my mind is blank, as it was this evening when paul asked me to talk. i don’t feel anything pressing in my head to speak. it’s just blank. i just stared at the table edge and the sole of my feet as it were the most interesting things in the world.
i suppose, there is some truth to the matters at present. and presently i don’t feel anything. it’s like i’m going through the motions of life: i have a wonderful boyfriend, a wonderful job, we live in a beautiful area in an awesome apartment and i don’t feel like it’s special.
i don’t think about things, i just do them. i don’t mind fuck people, i just tell them what i feel. i don’t manipulate people because i have nothing to gain from said manipulation. but if the populous is right, than i must be wrong.

and it was 80 and sunny at high noon today.
paul and i were both incredulous about this until our friend and neighbor corey IM’d me and told me that it was freaking snowing outside. We knew the weather had changed as Paul and I had started leaving the house earlier this evening with garbage and plans to go out grocery shopping. Upon seeing the rain that was heavily pouring down, we immediately dropped the bags of garbage outside by the front door and just decided that going to dinner seemed like a better option.
and it’s five am.
poop.
i’ve spent the better part of our evening doing web design. excuse me, reading about web design and seeing what i could come up with on my own site. I had decided that since i had a super sekret project coming up on May 1st that I would spend some quality time reading crap on the web and getting a feel for the competition as it were. The really funny thing is that every so often, I’ve gone on rampages about online journals because they are always these increasingly similar design (valley of the online journal dolls) aspects with little content. I actually, swear to christ, found a webpage where a woman wrote down exactly what she did everyday. Like “I slept until noon. then i read. then i went to the store. then i came home and took a shower.” i mean, entry after entry of crap like that. The funny part was, i was so enthralled (admonished? scared? rubbernecking?) that i read about three months worth of her entries. I was bored shitless, but i still read them.
another ironical thing is that i remember talking about way back when that there was some pretty designs out there and i would get into a fit because i couldn’t come up with anything worthwhile in my opinion (though, Mike did come up with a sweet design for me nearly a year ago and i kept that (though revisioned it) over that period. But i need something new. So TADA! here it is.
Poll question: Would you prefer to read a journal that had a spiffy splash page and then a link to it or something where the content was ever changing?
see, i’m torn. i don’t know what to do. people i’ve talked to have said that the the changing content on the front page kept them there. no one likes a splash page anymore i guess. One of these days I’ll get creative enough to do something other than my 2-3 frame deal (you try managing nearly a 100 text files and tell me how you like it), but until now, it’s gotta be simple and to the point. so please. someone let me know. a few 100 of you freaks read this damn thing so fucking kick me some damn email about it.
planetary alignment
it’s been one of those weeks.
i should have known by the fact that i haven’t gotten up on time all week, or the fact that paul’s been walking around the house growling or the fact that everyone and their brother has just been downright nasty. i wish i knew what it was — it was not me dropping eggs or anything emotional/physical, but it has warranted enough attention due to the fact that paul and i have been at each others necks all week. his work stress, my work stress, other stress. friends in need, friends in deed. planning for the future, meeting his parents. life in general. death. chaos.
i’ve been doing a lot of thinking about that recently. as it would seem, pauls old roommate actually went and got hitched this past week (which, while it was both a surprise and a shock, i do wish them well, i just still think they got married for the wrong reasons), and i know of several other couples who will be taking the plunge at some date, and then i start thinking “how do I know if paul is the one?” and the funny thing is that i just do know. I mean, yah, some days I want to wring his neck but the anger subsides and we are back to smooching again (note to self: keep laptop out of server room. no work is being done with paul rolling his chair over every five minutes for his gratuitous grope ;). I know that we are the amusement to our friends: when we have our tiffs, we have our tiffs. And there have been several times when we have blown up in front of company (more my fault than his as i’m always looking for a fight some days), but the good times far out weigh the bad and the bad times or tiffs are so few and far between i don’t think anything about it. but it’s scary. thinking that i will be spending the rest of my life with paul (well, paul has said that i’ve swallowed the receipt. 30 is fast approaching me and am I really ready to be settling down?)
The answer is a resounding yes.
i’m up! i’m up!
it’s 1pm.
i stumbled into bed this morning about 6am — and i would have stayed up if it weren’t for the fact that paul had said that I was going to bed whether I liked it or not. At 4 AM we had gone and done a dunkin donut run (our weekly ritual) and we had both gotten cawfee drinks. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to sleep anytime soon, but somehow i found myself walking into the bedroom, taking my contacts out and hopping into bed.
Paul and i have been having these strangest arrangement in regards to our sleeping habit. Both of us have our little rituals we must complete before going to bed, but had found that the way we sleep ended up with our backs to each other instead of us facing each other. When we had swapped sides of the bed, I found that not only was I sleeping WORSE but that I wasn’t getting up on time (alarm was on pauls side now), I couldn’t hear the phone half the time and Paul was stealing the covers MORE SO than before. We kept going around and around on this and finally last night was the last night we slept in that fashion. While it may seem silly to you, the funny thing is (as paul pointed out) that our bodies are conditioned to sleep in specific ways and if you change that way, it disrupts your sleeping habits. I hadn’t really thought about it too much until, again, paul and I had switched.
because every other time we have stayed up late on the weekends and not gotten up till 4-5 PM, i made paul set the alarm for noon giving us a good 6 hours of sleep. And of course, I’m the only one who heard it and got up (well, paul heard it too, as he kept slapping the snooze button every nine minutes). and so now i’m up, it’s 1PM and it’s sunny out and currently 50 degrees outside. and for some reason, my new cawfee cup from starbucks keeps making snap/crackle/pop! noises.