Dear Internet,
After all the cheeriness of #lismentalhealth week, it’s time for happier random updates.
Hah. I (sorta) fibbed.
This morning I woke up with the overwhelming feeling of TheSads, which are feelings that come in waves, typically lasting a few hours or sometimes a few days. There is no cause for TheSads, I’m often not triggered, and they leave just as quickly as they come.
There are a number of reasons of why TheSads are hanging out today: I’m going to start ovulating in a few days (my mood is all over the place when I start ovulating), I’ve been job hunting for the last few days and that’s always depressing, and I’ve been smoke-free for the last six days which is also a grump inducing mood.
These are legit reasons for TheSads to shuffle hop step across my mind’s stage.
These are normal things to feel.
After dragging myself into the shower and getting ready for the day, I started clutching various particular straws on the pretense if those things were firmly, and safely, in my corner my life would be so much better.™
I know that’s not true. I know I’m deluding myself on those things.
I know there are lots of things I cannot control that are a part of my life and I have to just keep putting one step in forward of the other. It’s hard. It feels like a snail’s pace. Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m making any progress when I am.
The usual bullshit.
At the meeting with my therapist a few hours later, the conversation turned to that morning’s feelings: Why am I clutching at straws? Why do I think I can change the past? Why blah blah blah? (To be fair I’m not concentrating on one specific thing in my past to change, there are a whole host of things I would adore to change, but that is neither here nor there.)
After talking this out with her, I started to feel better. I teared up (mascara that actually doesn’t run for the muther fucking win!) in therapy, as I tend to do, when discussing certain subjects which are really facades for my frustration levels of not being to make the massive changes I think/want I need: Job, place of my own, my own money.
I keep harping on those things because those are things that plague most of my thoughts. Sometimes I can keep those thoughts in a cage and smile evilly at them and other times they gang up like, well, gangbusters. Most of the time these days they are in the cage but this morning they decided to make an unwanted appearance.
After the discussion with my therapist, I felt better — I always feel better. It could have been the coffee I was consuming during my hour. It could be the release of those thoughts. It could have been the greasy lunch I had later.
I spent the afternoon starting this entry, combing through job sites looking for positions to apply, and prepping for Thursday’s obedience class this evening. TheSads, which were starting to abate, came back in full force: Why did I fuck up this particular job interview? Why did I fuck up that job interview? How much different would my life would have been if I had not done X,Y, or Z?
I started feeling awful all over again. The feelings of failure, worthlessness, and my own stupidity came crashing down in waves.
It’s always a struggle to get them under control.
I got new glasses. How exciting! (Not as exciting when I figured out how to safely wax my under arm hair last week but I do like living on the edge.)
Still. Very exciting!
This is my fourth pair of glasses in the last 20 years. I’m thankful my script hasn’t changed too much and rotating the previous three pairs hasn’t been that big of deal as time went by.
Until last year.
Last year I discovered I needed progressives. You know, bifocals.
I’m officially old.
I couldn’t afford new glasses and contacts thus the optometrist recommended getting contacts but adding a pair of those cheap reading glasses you find everywhere to help with the near sightedness. I didn’t like pairs I found so I continued working with just contacts and sort of winging it which really didn’t seem to be that big of deal.
After it hit the one year mark of my last appointment, it was becoming pretty clear, despite my attempt to convince myself regular contacts were just fine, I needed those new glasses. Contacts be damned. (Honest truth: I have enough unused contacts from the last few years, due to slight difference in scripts, to last me another solid year.)
TheExHusband agreed to front me the cash for the new specs and trying on new pairs was that week’s excitement. (Did I mention I liked living on the edge?)
I had the following demands:
- Buddy Holly frames. I’ve done the fancy, quirky pairs over the years and I wasn’t loving those frames so back to my trusty Buddy Hollys.
- Anti-glare/scratch and a few other thingies
- Black. Preferably matte.
- Lenses sit far enough away from my eyes so mascaraed lashes don’t streak the glass. (Yes, this has been a problem in the past.)
- Properly fitted.
The last one was the most important as left alone to my own devices none of my previous pairs really fit my face and after a while, some of the arms were stretched out due to my large head and mounds of hair.
With the optometrist’s help, I found the perfect pair and hoo boy, am I pleased as punch!
I am a vain, vain person and I would not have considered wearing glasses as a regular thing until the last few years. (This despite almost everyone I met would mention at least once how great I looked in said frames.) Now that I have found a pair I love and look fabulous in, I feel more confident in wearing my new specs.
(It was pointed out to me I could have gotten said specs way cheaper at Zenni Optical but as fit was more important to me, there is no guilt for what was paid. Now that I have the specs for my specs, I’ll be buying from Zenni in the future. (Also Zenni is optometrist approved.))
When I posted the above image on Facebook, in addition to the usual “you look great!” comments, numerous women posted my eyebrows, make-up, and skin is on point. Here are my secrets:
- My brows are either professionally waxed or waxed by me. I’ve been doing my own waxing for years but sometimes you need to pamper yourself for $7 – 10 per go.
- I wash my face (twice a day) with CeraVe Hydrating Cleanser
- My day cream is Yes To Carrots Daily Facial Moisturizer SPF 15, my night cream Yes To Carrots Fragrance-Free Intense Hydration Night Cream
- I use Maybelline Face Studios Anti-redness and blur primer mainly on my cheeks and eye lids
- Then Rimmel BB cream in light
- I swipe my eyebrows with Maybelline Great Lash in clear
- I line my upper lids at the lash line with Kat von D’s Tattoo Liner in Trooper
- My mascara is Maybelline Lash Sensational Full Fan Effect in waterproof black
- My lip gloss is Maybelline Baby Lips in Cherry Me (closest color to my actual lip)
With the exception of Yes To, Rimmel, and Kat von D products, everything else was recommended by rankandstyle.com. Since I’m on a drugstore budget, I’m pleased as all get out I was able to find products that worked and worked well with spending a small fortune.
If you’re into librarian-y things, I’ve started the redesign of my librarian profesh site which includes starting and updating a blog in addition to the occasional site updates. One of the suggestions from a prof was to start writing about my experiences in the job market, trends in library land, and commentary on current practices. THIS! I can do.
I’ve been importing the librarian-y posts from EPbaB over to lisa.rabey.net and it’s been going fairly well and it keeps the site current where as before it was a bit more stale. I’m also updating my, “So, You Want To Be A Librarian” series which you should check out if you’re thinking about getting your MLIS.
This week is finally my mammogram appointment which has me alternately relieved and a bit scared.
From a few weeks ago,
“…able to find the benign lump in my right breast, discovered a year ago (2014/15) with my first mammogram. (If you recall, I had a total of six mammograms including an ultrasound over six months and it was decreed everything was fine.) The lump is located at the intersection of my armpit and my breast, so I would not have found it if I was doing a self-exam.
Speaking of which, I go in for my yearly mammogram this week and hopefully the benign lump is still benign. I shudder at the thought of getting a biopsy to make absolutely fucking clear it’s benign.
LADIES! Get your tits checked.”
I’ll obviously update the status once I know, but whatever deities you pray too, keep me in your thoughts the lump is still benign.
xoxo,
Lisa