I hadn’t spoken to Patrick in about three days.
During that time, kethryvis had been prodding me to stop being a pussy and just break up with him. I told her on Friday I woke up with the intention of calling him to break it off and never actually got around to doing it. She and I talked backwards and forwards about the whole thing and I just couldn’t bring myself to pick up the phone.
Tonight he calls and he says he’s been trying to get in touch with me for the last few days. I did receive an IM earlier this morning but there has been no phone calls to either the landline or the cell. Save for this afternoon when I went out with my brother for his birthday dinner, my cell has been with me all weekend. Save for seeing Rent on Saturday, I’ve been home. There has been no phone calls. He has told me before he’s called me and there hasn’t been any messages, but regardless, I dumped him over the phone.
How do you approach something like that? I had no idea but my liquid courage was Crystal Light and I finally asked him, “Are you happy?” He answered, “Of course not, you’re not here.” But that wasn’t the answer I was hoping for and then he asked me if I was happy and I, of course, replied no. So eventually, I told him it was best we do not see each other anymore.
He was on his way to rent movies and was at the checkout counter at Blockbuster when I told him. His initial reaction was a very pissed off, “WHAT DID YOU SAY?” when I told him I thought it was best we end it. So I repeated it.
The conversation was amazingly civil. There was no name calling or verbal abuse. Voices did not raise. My main reason, and one that I will stick by, is that I don’t feel emotionally fulfilled in the relationship. Despite the arrogance (which I could live with) and the problems with sex (which could be fixed), that was the bottom line. I do not feel emotionally fulfilled. At the root of it all, I could not foresee myself flying in and out of Denver every month or so simply to be with someone when for the other 29 odd days, I was mostly alone and lonely. Being alone I can handle with great ease. Lonely when you with someone, I cannot.
I could handle flying in and out of Denver if I knew the relationship could go somewhere, but he’s happy the way things are. Part of my impulsiveness, part of my charm, whatever it is, I had to feel or feel secure enough to know that someday *this* was going somewhere and by his account, it was not. He was happy with the way things were going and happy with the future being uncertain. I have to have some sort of plan. I need to know, even if it’s just hazy, how to plan for things. My life is in turmoil right now as I look towards ending college and wondering what the fuck I’m going to do with my life. If I do make it to graduate school, I’ll be living somewhere and the work load anticipated will be five times worse than what I’m experiencing now.
I explained to him, that if I was working and not in school, this would be so much more easier. If things had progressed to seriousness, utter seriousness, transferring to Denver would be cake. But I can’t do that with school. I have to stay at AQ. I’ve worked too hard and too long to transplant myself somewhere else.
The tickets for my next trip to Denver in May were purchased last week. I’m not going, obviously, because I could not handle being there and probably having sex with him and knowing while it meant lots of things, it was all the wrong meaning. It would be false. I would feel like I was leading him on, my being there and he was concerned for my emotional stability.
I told him that save for Paul, almost all of my serious relationships ended up with my exes marrying someone else within 6 months of breaking up with me. He didn’t find that funny.
He’s flying to MI in June, a few days before my birthday, for a family gathering in Detroit. Since I have no plans for my birthday as of yet, I told him we could meet up, if he liked. He said he would love it.
Like all good females, I instantly regretted breaking up with him. “BUT I LOVE HIM!” I reasoned to kethryvis who immediately told me what I was doing was the right thing, and she’s right. I just can’t shake this feeling of despair. Or of regret.
I’ve already induced enough chocolate to kill a horse.
I’m never EVER dating again.