in the lieu of a lot of interesting happenings happening recently, i dropped an email to Bryan no more then 5 minutes ago.
Bryan, for those keeping track at home, was someone I dated before Danny (so this is nearly 7 years go :o), who lives in Toronto and whom I have had an interesting relationship with. Like a few years ago he went to a therapist and his therapist got him all wrapped up about how I was the perfect one for him and how he had to woo me — and I was living in SF at the time so it didn’t work out (again). It was all very bizarre. Anyways, Bryan lives/works in TO and I just emailed him cos goddamnit, I havne’t spoken to him in years and i want to know WHY he doesn’t talk to me anymore. I mean, he hosts one of my domains and has been since 1997. You’d think he’d at least speak to me.
Men.
Go figure.
Author: pookiebear
On men, me and goals
It talks about sex. and other stuff. Don’t read if you really don’t want to know.
This is NOT about male-bashing. Sorry to disappoint 😉
It’s going on nearly 3 months since I’ve had sex (it actually maybe longer..), but, It feels like forever. And with all the hoopla with me and Paul, it got even worse when we were living together, where I’d stalk him like a cat and he’d tell me I was too aggressive or whatever, so while having sex was possible it didn’t happen enough for me to be ‘satisfied’. That was a status of our relationship. Sex was a mindgame and after 3 years, I wanted just some nice and easy sexors and I sure as hell wasn’t getting any. and foreplay? HAH! HAH. Paul didn’t believe in foreplay. Paul’s words were, who needed foreplay when I was ‘easy’? Uh, sure buddy. www.blowfish.com is your friend, gf.
I haven’t spoken to the boy-who-lives-across-the-sea in almost a week. To some that may not mean much but consider we talked everyday for nearly a year and then well, he gets a local gf and suddenly we do not speak (hence my comment earlier on lj). And I’m not angry because I have to remind myself that I cannot have him anyways, this is my mantra: I CANNOT HAVE HIM. PERIOD. And there are all these THINGS in my head that I must repeat to myself or else I will go insane because I have to recognize the following:
- My promise of no dating for a year. Remember? Part of the reason why I moved back to GR. I’ve even cut Danny (local ex bf for those just tuning in) off at the pass for sex because of 50 million issues with him (my god though he still looks good to me). Because I feel like I’m worth more and you know, yah sorry if i’m a monogamous nympho (my term), but wait, I’m not sorry for being me but, you know just because you hit it once does NOT mean I’m always open. I am NOT 7-11 contrary to popular belief. Then Danny did his whole “but i put my life on hold for you” crap and you know, for someone who supposedly LOVES me stop mother fucking whining. I’ve been home for nearly THREE MONTHS and he’s made very little effort to see me. Next.
- None of you cocksuckers are paying my bills. In short, I need to kick this OCD habit of staying online, playing video games or whatever because in the end, I AM 30 and I need to get a life and playing game cube, the sims or chatting with the bitches just aint gonna cut it. Yah, it is fun, yah it’s a great relaxer but i have to learn how to say NO and leave when the time comes.
- I’m holding out for something better. Even if i hadn’t put this so called invisible chastiy belt on myself, I’d still say no, because you know what, I’m tired of chasing. I am. I’m tired of being the aggressor. I’d like having the guys chase ME for once and I cannot tell you the last time that happened. Certainly not in recent memory. And I want someone more like me. I do. I am NOT a boring or a static person, I mean obnoxious yes, but boring or static? Not really.
- I do not feel sexy. This for some reason surprises people I confide this to (and you guys are my closests and dearest friends, even the ones I do not know!). I feel too fat, too tall, too weird, too something. And then what kills me is people telling me how sexy I am. that I radiate sex. One person (who is a big freak to boot) told me that I was their muse for their new series of erotica. I gave them inspiration. I don’t quite know how to handle that, I mean, it is a compliment. I just wish I felt more comfortable in my skin to feel as sexy as I’ve been told that I am. I do. I really wish I could be more confident with who I am, because I know when I DO feel more confident, strange things happen. But lately, I have been blaming it on the new lip gloss I’ve been wearing called Juicy Tubes. Yes, I bought it based on the name but I happen to like it.
- The reason why I like boy-who-lives-across-the-sea so much is that I can I can shut him off if he ever pisses me off (he hasn’t really). I can log out of the xyz chat client we are using and go fuck off. I do not have to worry about him showing up at my door unannounced (though i would probably love it). I want/love/like men who are unattainable. That is my weakness. I can “control” them without having to really DEAL with them. I mean, I have my little Henry Rollins and Colin Firth shrines going on over here and that is OKAY, because I can deal with that.because I know fantasy from reality. I do. (Remember if i keep repeating something it will happen!)
- I’m a big old softie at heart. Yes, it’s true. Yet something else people seem surprised at (I’m getting a bit annoyed at this whole bitch-on-wheels persona that still seems to perpetuate even if I’m sweet as sugar. I’m trying here to break old habits people cut me some slack). My favoriest movie in the whole wide world is Bridget Jones’ Diary. I’m telling you at the end when she kisses Colin Firth, I’m all over the couch clutching my chest wishing it were me. I’ve ALWAYS been a big romantic and while the rough and tumble set does turn me on, every time I’ve EVER been kissed with that whole “oh hly shit if i don’t kiss you i’m gonna die” look and the whole cupping of the face, i go weak in the knees. THERE IS A REASON WHY EXES HAVE CALLED ME NIAGRA FALLS (separately of course). I should not have to spell this out but apparently I do have to draw a bloody fucking map (or why I started writing an instruction booklet based on me once, well actually fairly recently). heh.
and finally: - I refuse to kowtow to the bitter and cynicalness that seems to pervade women in my age group. Yes i’ve had a series of long term relationships. Yes they did not work out, but goddamnit, I knew that I was not going to have a typical life and there is a freedom in that direction and I refuse to be in that age group. Cynical? Yah, I was born cynical and sarcastic but bitter comes and goes and I refuse to be chewed up into that grouping.
as an aside, dropped a note to boy-who-lives-across-the-sea:
From: "princess superstar" To:boy-who-lives-across-the-sea Sent: Saturday, March 01, 2003 8:15 PM Subject: hey You mentioned that you were going on vacation or something last week and I'm assuming this is why I haven't heard from you in awhile. But if not, are you upset with me or something? All my email to @detroit.org is not coming through ... :) Lisa ----- Original Message ----- From: boy-who-lives-across-the-sea To: "princess superstar" Sent: Saturday, March 01, 2003 8:29 PM Subject: Re: hey > yoyo :) > > i am not upset at all, i've just been terribly busy that's all. while lying > in bed this morning i thought about how i hadnt spoken to you very much > lately.. i am sorry. i'm not angry or anything, nor am i (unfortunately) on > holiday - i DO however have an entire week off :D > > i'll check the gettobooty address in a bit. > > how are you keeping? > > tata > >NAMEWITHHELD > *smooch*
Then he took off to go out.
WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF.
Because American men are highly fucking boring. hah.
over-and-out
on arthritis
I’m gonna drop a little back history for those of you in the know:
In 1994, I slipped and fell on my parents driveway, giving myself a dislocation and a double fracture. I ended up with 12 pins and a plate inserted. Since then, I’ve had fairly minor trouble, and it wasn’t until last year when Kethryvis came to visit and I could barely walk half way while she was here because the swelling and the pain was so terrible that i had to keep my leg elevated for most of her trip. Off to the docs i went to find that the ankle itself was fine and dandy, but what I had was Osteopathic Arthritis and well that’s when hell kicked in.
It was like when you find out something, it intensifies. My hands (I’ve sliced off my left pinky, sliced open my right palm), my knees (busted both open).
funny thing happened on the way to the forum
i was talking to boy-who-lives-over-seas a few weeks ago and i quipped
“oh now, what happens if i ever get a boyfriend?”
“why?”
“because I sleep crosswise on the bed, face planted in the pillows with two pugs who snore and are protective about sleeping with me. Where is he going to sleep?”
pause
“fuck it, he can sleep on the couch.”
hilarity ensues!
anyways, got permission from kethryvis about asking boy-who-lives-over-seas to the KEFFYLISACON03 in vegas, and made her promise not to smack me for asking. Anyways, as the world knows, he’s starting dating someone and I’ve been keeping hella distance. Have to or else obsess about it and that is the LAST thing I need. Told him not to answer unless he had a real good raeson not to come (ie: clingy gf, no money, war). ANything else would be trivial and I would taunt him with pictures of me and hot strippers 😀
He has a fear of flying. He probably WONT show but as the good book, if you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen!
non-sequitor trivia
Something not related and yet interesting:
Mike went to highschool with two of my exes : the infamous Danny and someone else I dated breifly named Greg. Mike was the bad boy rebel, Greg was the prep and Danny was the freak-o-matic nerd. Greg and Danny have both commented on each other as in “what the hell did you see in him” and both commented on Mike as in “What the HELL were you thinking?”. Hey, they were all sexy in their own way.
Just intersting that they knew each other and yet I dated Greg and Mike as we were ending HS and Danny years later.
ANd you all thought I was kidding about the lisa-exboyfriend support club starting 😉
—
Dear Lisa,
MIke is not going to knock on your door, and especially NOT at 3am in the morning. Please stop fussing with your hair and checking to see if you have shaved your legs (you did). Please get your arse into bed and REGULATE you sexy beast you.
Thanks,
self.
It’s all for you baby.
I’m done killing kethryvis I think, I’ve been serenading her with Tommy Page lyrics for a while now and she says she has to go brush her teeth from the sweetness. hah.
So, before I go to bed, I just wanted to jot this down.
I mentioned about finding someone recently and getting in touch with them. I’m good at that, you know, finding people. His name was Mike. (hence he started the trend where I state all men named michael have broken my heart — except dear humandays, cos I lurve him).
I’m very punch drunk.
As I was saying, I met Mike when I was 17. He’s like in the top three guys that have been hugely influenced on me. First off, he pursued me. LIke relentlessly. Like intensely. Our relationship spanned on and off for five years, I don’t think anyone has pursued me as much as he did, almost frighteningly and I was ms “Oh, no, I’m not getting involved” with him kind of thing. Which of course caused him to pursue me even harder. But he stuck by me for a lot of things and well, there were some times I treated him pretty badly. It was fucked all around.
Things were heavily complicated. Especially when you are 17, 18 and 19, ane especially 20, 21.
So the crux is:
Mike’s family was/is pretty influential in the area and he ended up leaving and going to Guam, and shit changed drastically between us. He wanted me to come out and we were going to get married and all these big huge dreams when you are 18, 19, 20 years old. Then one night he calls me and he tells me he had been with someone. An older woman. And he was drunk. I was floored. You know how it is when you finally work your trust down and you finally say “Okay, yah, I want to trust this person” and they hurt you and you kick yourself in the ass about it. Well it was like that. and he had the gall to say “I did it all for you baby.” Jesus, I can still see the image of the scene when he told me on the phone and my facial expression in the window pane.
Shortly after that, I ended up dating Alan, which lead to another interesting period in my life. which is neither here nor there. And Mike flew back from Guam and he walked into the store I was working at out of the blue, with two plane tickets to go back to Guam, and one of them was for me. And here I am 20 years old and what the fuck am I supposed to say that ? I said no. I was with Alan, he was THE ONE. hah. Boy was I wrong. But I was young and god, things were just intense. And the look in those big green eyes of his when I said no and when he left. I cried, convinced i had made the right decision.
My relationship with him was like that, on/off, for a long time. I guess in a way I’ve been disappointed that he’s never come looking for me? Maybe I fancied myself as being HIS ONE and therefore thought he would try to save me (from whatever — probably myself) Mike did a lot of actions that I always based future boyfriends on. You know, if XXX loved me he would pursue me the way Mike did. Whatever, the point being that there is a lot of unfinished business between us.
So I’m browsing around on classmates.com and I’m thinking “oh i wonder if xxx” is on there and I narrow the search to all students who are there from 1987-1992 or something silly and his name shows up on second or third page. I just kind of sat there and looked at it and looked at it again. I sorta half laughed, half cried. A few years ago when I was home when my mom was sick, Josh said he stopped by and asked about me. Wanted to get in touch with me. Josh hadn’t spoken to me since I had left for SF and no one knew how to get in touch with me.
So sent him, Mike, and email message, no word back.
I have not spoken to him since 1994? 1995? I still remember his smell, Joop! cologne for men. heh. He had the biggest green eyes. Great voice. Chubby in all the right places.
We were so fucking innocent, it’s almost painful to think about.
I do not romantically hold ideals he’ll come and rescue me, because i know that won’t happen, But I do know I’ll see him again and then we can finally get closure to this whole mess. I just hope he’s happy. I also know I’ll see him when I least expect it.
our song is below: shut up.
Get your lighters out and start swaying
Yes, there is a reason why guests smell after three days
I’m so bloody tired, the mere thought of doing homework makes me want to puke. But with a paper (well, an essay) due tomorrow, a test tomorrow, two big papers due next week and my poli sci midterm also next week, i have to get cracking. I’m not sure how I’m doing it, but I’ve been channeling kethryvis, so fingers crossed it’s all good.
So, I’ve discovered just how much I love my personal space.
Like if space were a man, i’d marry it. Call it george, pet it, etc.
You don’t come over to someones house and bitch about well, everything. If I tell you something such as do not leave my bathroom trash can on the floor as one of my dogs will get into it and smear bloody tampons all around the house, please do what I ask. But no, that was apparently too bloody fucking difficult. Also, if i ask you if you want something from the store, because you’ve known me for a zillion years and you know I drink non-fat milk and eat lowfat/healthy foods, don’t complain when i ASK YOU WHAT YOU WANT FOR DINNER AND YOU AGREE TO WHAT I PROPOSE, STOP BITCHING THAT WHILE IT IS GOOD, XYZ IS WRONG WITH IT. The list went on and goes on.
And it wasn’t just my guest, it was my brother too. My god, my teeth are on edge I’m so pissed off. Yes, I do understand I do not have a job, but I DO work a lot getting these good grades, they do not come easily even if they are level 100 and 200 classes. And you know what else, stop picking on me. Stop making fun of my choices of reading material, music selections, food selections, and DVD selections. the fact that I have faster bandwidth and computer than you do. Stop getting pissed off if you ask me a question that has relation to the Internet and I do not know the answer. Or the fact that my apartment is nicer than yours, that my car actually does not need to be jumped in the morning and that I have enough gadgets support a third world nation. Just because I have something, say OH A TiVo, and I TiVo something for you, this does not mean you can come over when you want, eat my food, and expect to hang out here all afternoon. And stop bringing your fucking dog over here and calling my dogs bitch dogs. Yes, they are 18lbs a piece, but you know, this is THEIR home, and I don’t need your wild beast fucking with them in THEIR home.
I’ve fucking had it with people taking advantage of my generosity. Jesus christ on a fucking pogo stick.
Lets see what else:
Well fuck you to my mother, who, while doesn’t have a job and can’t seem to comprehend that while volunteering might just go against her at her review for SSI, is paying one of my aunts MONEY to clean her apartment. You don’t have a job. The woman is 59yo, let her get money somewhere else.
Fuck you to Paul for calling me up and blaming me for all his problems as to why all the people in NoVa (who, apparently and btw hate my guts) no longer speak to him and everyone is so ‘boring’ and ‘old farts’. Or something.
Fuck you to the ex Danny who states and I quote “I put my life on hold for you”, which I nearly laughed myself out of my chair, really, because you can’t get any funnier than that. And yet who seems to think that since I’m back that I’m now just a “Yahoo IM Booty Call” away. ahaha. Sure buddy. What the fuck ever. Hell would freeze over.
What else, oh well fuck you to boy-who-lives-across-the-sea. It seems, he likes a girl, which is fine. They went out on Valentines day, which is also fine. What is not fine is that we had this huge discussion about the probability that if one of us started dating that we would try and maintain our friendship, and now he’s back to ignoring me, again. Right. Who the hell was I fooling? Myself apparently (plus that super secret dream that i had feverently wished you were going to drop to one knee and declare your love to me was just that, a dream. hahaha. boy i’m so rich i kill myself). And we just had this fucking big discussion three months ago and you know, the whole point of being friends is that it IS a two-way street.
and fuck you too to the internet. Recently found someone I’ve been looking for for nearly four years now and now I’ve realised maybe sometimes it’s better to just leave things as they are — in the past where they belong.
BAH!
in a mood
oh, i’m in a MOOD.
FIrst, I am walking to class this morning and i keep hearing this “clopping” noise when I walk and I can’t figure out what the hell it is. So I happen to pick up my right foot and see that the rubber bottom of my boot has fallen off — somewhere and hence what i’m hearing is the echoing from inside the heel! Wonderful! Just peachy.
Second! on the way home, I encounter a crazy ass semi-driver who nearly ran me off the road. I was travelling on 131 which is a highway that runs N/S and we were coming off the S-curve (which is ironicaly, apparently, one of the worse curves in the midwest or something assinine) and I was in the far left lane and he kept trying to get into my spot. I’m honking the horn and the jackass keeps drifting towards me. Now I own a tupperware car (saturn) but i’d like to at least you know, LIVE for awhile. Man, i was so fucking pissed that when i was able to finally pass him, i opened my window and flipped him the bird. GOD.
Good news is:
Zelda:Ocarina of Time for GC has shipped early!
I was able to find a pair of boots at payless.com that seemingly would fit AND get 25% off (hey, i’ve been looking for boots for months, and now that they are pushing summer season on us, like this is a miracle i could find a pair)
AND
eddiebauroutlet.com is having this fantastic sale where you get 30% off the lowest marked price. I just got two jackets (one was originally 90 and the other 70) for 35 and 14 bucks a piece! The one jacket I really really really wanted which was 180 bucks marked down to 35 i didn’t get. I’m still debating on it as we speak.
toddles off to class.
hubris
Not sure where it’s coming from but lately I’ve been feeling this need to be totally anti-social. As in, no communication of any sort to anyone anywhere. Not sure where the ideas are coming from, but they are coming fast and they are coming furious.
I recently wrote a letter of a sort of apology to someone recently. It was spurned on by a series of events I had not known that happened until later and yet I was being used as the measuring stick against said events. The letter had been planned in my head for awhile now (prior to the events) — and while i DO understand that this person and I would most likely never be friends again (and I AM fine with that), I just wanted to get off my chest regardless of the outcome because i still don’t understand how the decline began in the first place.
I bcc’d the letter to three people who were close to that person (and myself) and followed THAT up with a letter of explanation of why I wrote it in the first place. Bottom line, I offered the olive branch and whether or not that person takes it is fine, but I did at least try and that should matter for something. But of course I never heard from the person I emailed it to and of course I did not hear back from any of the three. You’re probably wondering, what did you expect to hear? Well, encouragement? Congratulations? Pat on the head? A stick to fetch? Not. A. Thing.
This isn’t the first time it’s happened either and I suspect it won’t be the last either and I suppose it will be my decision for the future.
When Paul and I broke up, initially back in October, no one really believed me and to be honest, I didn’t really expect them too. It was like I said shortly after that in a missive I had written, that I had to be nearly beaten to a pulp (which he THREATENED but did not DO) before anyone would think about coming to my rescue. Now I’ve let him, and moved 700 miles away. In the last year I’ve made tremendous changes in my life from quitting smoking, to quitting a dead-end job, to leaving an abusive relationship to moving back home to starting back in school and in that time period, of all these changes, of which have been positive, I’d thought I’d get a pat on the back. A congratulations. A job well done for making positive choices. Save for a few stragglers and my brother, there really hasn’t been any. Of the over 100 people on the mailing list and 50 odd freaks on my friends list at LJ and who ever reads my website, I only got less than 1/2 dozen emails from random people saying “Congrats!” “Good luck!’ “Best Wishes!” “Bon Voyage!”
25th Hour
I never claim to be a connoisseur of film. I just know what I like. Run Lola Run? Love it. Happenstance? Awsome. Sliding Doors? Great. (btw, i realise the last three movies have the same context, but that was a coinky dink). I’d like to think that I understand most major films and what the ‘point being’. That I can discern between a good film and a bad film. Like Showgirls. It is a great film — if you go into it knowing it’s what it’s about. Yes but it is terrible, but it’s so terrible it’s good! Like Evil Dead is so terrible that it’s good. So why the fuck do people keep saying if you don’t enjoy a film that ‘is deep’ this somehow makes you stupid? That you are better off watching Dude, Where’s My Car?.
Like Thin Red Line. It’s crap. I don’t care what anyone says about symbolism and foreshadowing, it’s crap. It was poorly edited, the script was choppy and I spent the whole 3 hours wishing I could watch paint dry. Gladiator is another one. Didn’t like it, didn’t get “it”. What the fuck was Robin Williams thinking about in One Hour Photo? I mean, fuck, Death to Smoochy was a MUCH better film (and had better imagery and symbolism etc). But yet OHP got better ratings than DTS, and DTS apparently was a “bomb” (at least according to Premier Magazine).
What does this have to do with the price of tea in China?
Well, tonight Chris, one of Jeff’s roommates, suggested that we go see 25th Hour. Of course the boys wouldn’t DREAM of seeing a chick flick with me (though Jeff did want to go see Gangs of New York with me, but there were no more showings), even though Jeff claims that by hanging out with me his chances of picking up women double because women assume that if one girl wants someone that they will want them too and also apparently that because i’m his sister and deem him cool enough to hang out with, this makes him a better person. Right. Follow? So anyway, Chris gives the synopsis and I’m thinking he’s talking about Life of David Gale by his synopsis and I did want to see this and it has Kate Winslet in it (mmmmmm).
Haha. I was wrong. Oh. So. Wrong.
What the fuck is up with Spike Lee? I mean, what the fuck. The context of the movie seemed plausible but oh jesus, WHY DOES HE ALWAYS GOTTA DIG at everything racial. There is this half moment where Edward Norton (mmmm Edward Norton) is in the bathroom and his image is just ragging on every race left and right. Like out of no where. And ALL THE GRATUITOUS showing of post-9/11 bullshit. Yah, move on okay. MOVE THE FUCK ON. Yah it was terrible and it was awful and people died but people DIE EVERYDAY and it may not be violent or filled with anger or rage or hate but they still do die. Where are their memorials? I mean, fuck. C’mon on now. Where the fuck is your patriotism?
Okay, I’m going left of center here — the thing with Lee is that he takes the ideas of his past films and he reinvents them for a newer generation. This was like watching Jungle Fever and Do the Right Thing mixed together with the imagery of post-9/11 thrown in. The thing that killed me is that it had a GREAT cast: Edward Norton, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, and Anna Paquin playing a tart. Major props for Norton going from neo-nazi to a angry white ikea boy to a clown to a drug dealer in NYC. There were a lot of unnecessary moments in the film that for continuity could have been left out and there seemed to be mix messages, like Lee had this one idea and then scooted over to another idea and just kept doing this back and forth. The movie is crap. There was maybe one or two good scenes in the 2.5 hour flick.
Don’t believe the hype. Lee has made some stinkers (like Girl 6). Just because Lee directed it doesn’t mean it’s good and trust me, it IS okay to dislike a movie that everyone hypes up, it doesn’t make you any less stupid or less of an intellectual.
Save your money and see something else. ANYTHING else.