Category: diary

I had not heard from Patrick in two days. Since we speak 3-5x a day either by phone, TeamSpeak or IM, this was obviously highly unusual. Phone calls, IMs and txt messages went unanswered.
He proceeds to IM me a few hours ago, detailing his disapparence. He, allegedly, went drinking last night (alone), got intoxicated to the point he could not drive. He called a taxi. A taxi never showed up (allegedly). He then proceeded to DRIVE home. Going a few short blocks, he pulled his car over when the police apparently showed up. He was then arrested for “public intoxication” and sent to detox for 18 hours.
Um, yah.
He called me and I told him I furious — furious enough to not comment about this little escapade. A few hours later he IM’s me to tell me he’s sorry he’s hurt me, and he wants my support and love. “For what?” I ask. “To be there for me an all.” I retorted with this:
If you want to be with me, You have to get your shit together and I don’t mean just the drinking.
I love you Patrick, a lot, but I can’t sit idly by watching you make a train wreck of your life.
And this can’t be a flip comment, you’ve seriously got to think about what you want from me, your life, our relationship. And I’ll support you 100 percent on anything you want to do with your life, no matter what but I can’t support you while you deconstrcut yourself and our relationship.
He said he’s “thinking.”
I see.

Ben and I have been playing phone tag for the last month or so, which is amusing trying to keep time tables straight as he is in Belgium and I’m in the US. I called him back tonight to chat because I wanted to talk to someone who made me laugh and if it’s anyone, it’s him.
I’m really upset I won’t get to meet him in France in a few months — something he and I were both looking forward to do. Unfortunately, he’s taking his finals during the week I’ll be there where as he had the week off when my trip was first arranged for the previous week. We’re now talking about meeting sometime in the summer, if ach gets me those tickets for the Reading Festival AS PROMISED or if Ben decides to take a trip to Canada and I’ll meet him there.
He’s completely disquieted about my relationship with Patrick and he doesn’t understand why I’m still seeing him. Maybe it’s a Euro vs American thing? Dunno, but he’s concerned about me, as long as I send him jelly belly jellybeans and Peeps.
I’m kidding.
I’m concerned as well, and the situation isn’t getting any easier. Having conversations with Patrick is like pulling teeth from a chicken. I was feeling particularly romantic today and I called him to tell him I missed him. Dumped me to vm. Called again several hours later and got dumped to VM again. Patrick called back and I was excited and happy, and I told him I missed him. “Why do you miss me?” he asked. Which, totally ruined the moment. This isn’t the first time he’s done this. He refuses to absolutely talk about his feelings with me at all and every conversation we have sounds like a business meeting. There is no romance and it bothers the living shit out of me. I’ve told Patrick this, this isn’t a new story. But I don’t get IT — if you love me then what the fuck is the difficulty in telling me that you do?
Because to Patrick, it’s “too painful to tell you.”
This is 180 degrees from the Patrick I started talking to back in November. I wrote this late december and he called me that day after he read it to tell me how much it meant to him. How crappy his ex-relationships were and how sensuality, love and meaning had gotten tossed out the window. How much he NEEDED, WANTED and DESIRED everything I wrote. We were on the same plane, finally. I was on the same plane as someone and it was going to work!
When did things start going downhill? Shortly before my last trip out there. Sex became mechanical and featureless. He kept harping on my stupid blow jobs — because yes, they are just that great. I swear to god, I’m never putting my mouth on another penis again. Ever. Because that is what sex was reduced to on the last trip – me giving blowjobs and okay sex. Not the great VAVOOM that it was two months prior. I’m supposed to take into consideration that his work and personal life were in an uproar, he was sick (as was I), but damnit, you have not seen me in two months! I don’t fucking get the 180 degree flip as for months you did nothing but tell me how you missed me, wanted me, loved me etc.
And now nothing.
Ben and I have had this long running joke for the last few years about saying “fuck you” to the world, giving up school, moving to the South of France and bearing giant amazonian children (he’s 6’7). When I came back from Denver all bummed and was talking to Ben about the trip, he was also equally remorse about his personal life. One of us had said, “We should have just chucked everything away and gone to the South of France.”
We both agreed we should have.

Lots of people have been asking me, “how was Denver??” and the most I could tell them was, “great!” or “good!”
But no descriptions or adjectives to describe what was going down.
Why did I, the prolific of them all, clam up?
Especially when it comes to the uber personal crap, which is my forte.
Because here is the deal, shit in Denver wasn’t all that great. Some days it was downright awful. Lots of things were going on: Patrick and I were both sick. One of his bosses had just left Denver the morning I arrived and kept him on a tight leash all week He quit his main job due to personal stress and conflict of interest half way through my trip. My hormones were on fire from the BC. Things were terrible at some points and okay in others.
As I was explaining to darkdepths tonight, the problem with voicing what happened that week on LJ has it’s ramifications, because even if I prefaced with the background I just told you and then told you the facts of what went down, people would be calling for blood — his blood. You, my dear readers as my friends, would be asking why the hell was I still with this man?
Now, before you get panties in a twist, he didn’t beat me, abuse me, cheat on me, rape me, or any other horrible things. He didn’t drink while I was there nor did he do anything that would warrant a lynching. But I also knew, as it were with how we hear stories, save for a minute few, none of you have met Patrick. So even if after all that I had to say and I defended him, I would sound like I needed to be thrown on Ricki Lake or else I was just fooling myself.
Patrick and I talked about what went down before I left. I voiced my concerns and he agreed that I was right and he understood where I was coming from, but that didn’t take away from what had happened. All my defense modes were on and as of right now, I have zero idea where this relationship is heading. I still don’t feel like the problems have been resolved (to me) though he feels differently, he really wants this to continue.
This isn’t really about love anymore, but about if we have what it takes to make it work. The problem (or not) about this is that I know where Patrick is coming from. I understand why he does the things he does and why he sometimes treats me like I’m an object and not a person. I understand from his past why he is emotionally closed and unable to communicate his feelings. I’ve expressed that to him and I also realise that a good relationship takes time and effort from both parties but it’s highly unlikely in this case when we are 1100 miles away and the only time we have together is destroyed because of other issues rising.
But as darkdepths pointed out so wisely, it’s not a matter of him merely understanding what I’m saying but he needs to change several things about his tune if he wants to keep me. But I also know that things have to cool down a bit, work is still crazy and he has an old friend of his (male) in town staying with him. So, we’ll see.
There you have it.

Lots been going on I haven’t discussed with anyone or on lj during my week here.
He hasn’t been drinking, save for a few beers on Friday and I’ll report more when I get home on Monday.
Don’t worry, I’m not in danger. I’m fine.
Really.

I’ve noticed when the shit hits the fan, I don’t talk about it on LJ. I seem to be arch typical of most LJ’s out there.
Patrick is an alcoholic.
I’ve been suspicious about this for awhile. Talked to my mom about it and one other person recently.
Patrick and I were on the phone till 6:30am talking about it this morning. It started out with my litany of reasons why I was nervous about the whole probability of moving to Denver. His drinking was number 4. I told him that under no circumstances could I be with someone who uses alcohol as a crutch. I told him I cannot conceive of uprooting my life yet again and moving 1100 miles to be with someone where I WILL get sucked into the whole “taking care of” mode and watch not only my life but myself and HIS life go spiraling out of control even more so. He said he respected that decision and he wanted me to run far away as fast as I can if I feel this strongly about it.
I’m still going to Denver on Friday, this is serious shit that needs be talked about face to face, not at 6:30am on the phone.
Not sure what I’m going to do yet or what we are going to do yet.
We’ll just leave it at that.

UPS has been missing me these last few days. Since the boys are home till 1:30 and more often than not, I don’t get home till later, he’s been leaving tags on my door. I just, JUST, changed to pick up my packages at the UPS depot last night. Today I come home and see my downstairs neighbor has a UPS tag on her door and our front door has none. So the third package I was expecting came before the boys went to work.
The package that arrived was from Blowfish, containing the Raspberry Ring I got Patrick for Valentines day. The other packages contained other small items that I had purchased at various stores for him as well. I bought a pretty gift bag and have been slowly buying small things because I don’t have a lot of cash and I’ve been choosing items I’d think he like.
I messaged him earlier on tonight (he was sleeping) that his v-day gifts i bought him finally arrived. Later on as we are talking, I tell him that having a boyfriend sucks because I keep buying him things, as I completed the transaction to get him a Coach Money Clip.
He laughs and then says:
“What showed up? The jacket or the purse (or could be this one)?”
?????
“sorry?”
“Oh, I’m still waking up, I thought you said the valentines days gifts from me arrived.”
“er, no, the gifts *I* bought *YOU* finally arrived.”
“Fuck. I just ruined it didn’t I?”
“I’ll pretend I never heard you say that.”

Just bought this and this (NOT WORK SAFE) for Patrick for V-Day. I’m slowly building up small items of Patrick-worthy items and giving him many small things instead of one large big thingish when I see him in March.
I also ordered Spy In The House Of Love by Anais Nin, because this is by far one of my favorite books and he’s never read her! *gasp*
Also thanks to fallenpegasus, I’m hand-making him a card which I’ll send out this week!
🙂

I am, apparently, missing a girlie gene on some things. Here is why:
Patrick was in two long term relationships: one lasting about 11 years, the other two. He bought, nearly identical jewelry sets for both plus scads of other jewelry for them during the course of each relationship. Which is fine. Patrick isn’t your typical 28 year old bachelor, meaning his apartment could rival someone who is older in that he likes the nicer things in life and I do mean nicer things. But hey, he makes ten trillion dollars a year, so he can do whatever he wants. Right? Right. With that being said, we’ve been butting heads on monetary things — he has issues with me paying for things, but you know, for the better part of my adult life, I’ve always paid my own way. To be in a relationship with someone who openly wants to foot the bill is different. Hell, we’ve been having this argument for years when we were just in a platonic relationship.
Now, Patrick isn’t all talk. I’ve known men who’ve claimed to enjoy the finer things in life and like expensive things but it was more to impress the girls than really to follow through — if you know what I mean. I’ve met his ex of 11 years in the early stages of their relationship and seen the stuff he’s bought her and talked with him about what he was GOING to buy her. I’ve seen the receipts. So we were chatting about this the other night, and he tells me he just got a bonus and was going to buy me something (or I possibly inferred that) and I went apeshit. I don’t want to be one of his “diamond girls” — it’s just not my style. Yes YES, I am cynically funny about how when I was with Paul for three years, he gave me enough diamonds to rival a 1/2 carat total weight (this is a pair of diamond studs, a pendant AND a ring), but I don’t NEED expensive jewelry. For fuck sakes, I wear nothing but jeans and tshirts and boots. I’m a college student! Walking into a classroom with $4500 on my arm is just simply ridiculous.
Then he got pissed as to why I wouldn’t accept expensive gifts. It’s not my style man! I’m about tacky cheap shit, with the exception of a few things like my obsession with Coach, but you know, as I told him, I don’t need expensive things to be impressed. I didn’t need the limo or the fancy hotel or anything, I just want to be with HIM.
You don’t have to buy my love.
Then he said, something like, “But it makes me happy!”
“But it’s overwhelming!”
“Get used to it!”
?????????
I don’t want to be part of the herd goddammit. Hello!
Why does this seem incredibly petty to complain about?

Patrick can’t see these posts. If you don’t want on this filter, let me know. I also cleaned up some filters so many of you may not have been able to see some locked posts, should now.
To answer the question of many, Paul now knows about Patrick. I called Paul up yesterday and told him on the phone. He said “Cool, I’m happy for you. I’m playing games. *CLICK*” So fuck it, if he can’t deal, he can go fuck himself.
ANYWAY, Patrick is a network architech. He owns his own business and also does consluting work for others making nine trillion dollars a year. Yah, it’s that bad. We were having dinner on friday night and he found out I had never been off of US soil, and said “lets fly to london on sunday for dinner.” “London, England?” “Yes.” He could, apparently get me a passport overnight and book a flight. His dad was CIA. That’s all I can say about his family. Anyways, what this has to do with the price of tea in china is that I have been begging him to come to GR for V-Day. Due to work constraints, he has NO idea if he’s going to be able to make it or not. I won’t be able to come out to Denver until our spring break, in March. So, here is what I’m planning on doing for V-Day, if he can come out.
I just booked a room at GR’s *only* luxury hotel, the Amway Grand for Saturday night. I swapped out the house sparkling for Moet, ordered extra pillows and gourmet chocolate dipped strawberries. I can cancel this up to reservation time at 4pm if he can’t make it out here. I’m also thinking about booking a hottub for the night at a local place that does outdoor hottubs.
If he makes it out here, I plan on blindfolding him and driving him to the hottub place. Get naked outside while it snows (it ALWAYS snows on V-Day) and then blindfold him again and take him to the hotel. Champagne to be delivered after we arrive. Does this sound like a good idea or not? If he can’t make it out here, I need to come up with something else.
Any ideas?