Another one for the the “WTF?” file

katishna had said to me recently that it’s clear that I do not go and seek drama, it comes to me. Which, is true. Not only did Miguel call today (I dumped his VM after hearing him going “hello? hello?” and the part about me needing to “grow up.” He left one other message after that one, which got dumped immediately). But I come home, stuffed from movie popcorn to receive an email from HGFH (houseguestfromhell), to inform me that her dad is dead. Now, we have not spoken since October and I recently found out she’s keeping tabs on me via my brother (whom she also sent a $50 dollar gift cert from Amazon for Xmas) and she’s asking about me.
She wrote to inform me that her dad is dead, but here is the parts I like best:
“I’m not sure what I am expecting to happen from this email, but again, I did feel the urge to tell you of this event in my life.”
“As you know, my relationship with my dad was far more distant and strained than yours with your dad… so this news for me is actually good.”
I wrote about this back when it happened. LIke with Miguel, I bear her no ill will and I certainly don’t hate her. She’s just not a positive influence in my life and to be honest, I don’t miss her. I wish her well, but, apparently she doesn’t get “it” either.
I must be missing something. I mean, I really must.

In which Lisa has committment issues

So, HGFH and I have been emailing back and forth. Despite me being totally upfront with her, she’s absolutely convinced I hate her. I don’t hate her, but I’ve known her for 17 years and we’ve never really sat down and talked about our differences. Ever. Oh, we TRIED but that got pushed out of the way with the quickness.
Especially considering we spent at least 10 years living in different states, it’s easier to push it to the side. So her emails to me are about how much I hate her (which, again, I never said). My emails to her are convincing her I don’t hate her, I just have a problem with what she does in some things but on the same hand I’ve also praised her for being my friend.
She wants to break off being friends from me.
Which, totally surprised me, seeing as she was the one who wanted closure on our argument (fine, i agree to that) but WANTED ME TO BE UPFRONT AND HONEST WITH HER ABOUT HOW I FEEL! I told her she was being passive/aggressive — again and that she needed to either stick with one thing or another. IE: If she wants to “review our friendship,” fine, I have no problems with that but don’t email me about how you don’t want to be friends with me and in the same email you want closure and work this out. You can’t have it both ways. I’m sorry, but hey, if you want me to be honest with you, I will.
Long story short, I told her to email me if she wants to pursue this and work it out or if she really wants to break it off. Just for the record, I don’t bear anyone ill will — ever. I don’t give that kind of power to others — I’ve learned only what that kind of power can do. I don’t hate — oh sure I’ve been catty but it’s not like I’m sitting there making voodoo dolls and sticking pins in people and wish them ill will. Shit don’t work out, fine and dandy, it doesn’t work out. People mistakenly get this idea that because I have strong opinions I’m also a hate monger and I’m not and I really resent the fuck out of it if you think I am.
Also on the update issue, tiglore and I finally met up on a date — and it didn’t work out. :/ We did part as friends and are planning on hooking up some weekend (this upcoming one or the next) to do a GodFather marathon and to generally hang out etc. He said I was now regulated to his order of “sisters” which I’ll take in high regard. Then the bastard tells me that if we had worked out, our next date he was going to bake cookies in shape of roses! Men! I tell you!
Sometime later on in the week, tiglore and I were talking about crush with Pip, the tattoo artist whose picture I had on LJ a few days ago. I told tiglore I would be hesitant about pursuing something with Pip simply because he works at a shop I frequent and it falls under the same category for me as dating people I work with — I just refuse to do it. It doesn’t appeal to me and I always seem to have drama surrounding my life so any way to minimize it, I will. The irony is that friday night as Pip was tattooing me, he was telling me how he would never pursue someone he tattooed unless it was outside the shop. LIke he met his girlfriend via the shop, but she pursued him at his second job. He’s afraid of the ink whores who come in just wanting to get with an artist for free ink.
But conversation was stilted. Like, every damn time I come in, we are ALWAYS talking and after I got my outer labias done, I ended up staying at the shop for another two hours while he was working because we were talking about everything under the sun. My appointment on friday got bumped because one of the owners told Pip he had to take an overflow appointment because another artist was running behind. I didn’t end up getting ink till later on in the evening and while he was tattooing me, we barely spoke a word to each other. Oh yah we talked but it was — different. I don’t know if it was because we had things on our minds or what but after a break when a bunch of the artists went out to have a smoke, I got to listen how they talk about women. OMFG, I felt so removed from my own sex by these skanky women that they date and thinking that I’ll be spending the rest of my life alone because I’m not skanky. I can’t win, I tell you! When we did talk, I asked Pip about his gf and her name is Heather. No offense or anything to any of the Heathers out there, but all I could think of was the movie Heathers. There are issues between those two and well, lets just say it’s not my place to get involved and so I will remain just the SINGLE ink slut who goes in to get inked.
In other news today, Paul IM’d me (my ex, not AQ Paul) to tell me he wants to come visit for Halloween because apparently Slayer is playing at the Orbit Room with Hatebreed and a few other bands on Halloween night. I was planning on going to go to ministerofsilly‘s house with him and his lovely wife lotus_flower and pass out candy. OR the shop usually throws a huge halloween bash as well. But hell, that would be cool to see slayer. I already bought my costume 🙂 Let’s just say it’s sexxxyyy. Anyways, either way, looks like I’ve got plans for Halloween. Now the interesting thing is that Paul has an extra ticket to see Eddie Izzard at the DC shows. Now HGFH and I were supposed to go to the Detroit show and I’m going to suppose if we are no longer friends this is off and Paul invited me to see the DC show, which falls during my Fall break from AQ. So, I might be in DC for a few days and if I do, I’ll be sure to let people know so we can do dinner or something 🙂
The weirdest thing happened this weekend: I had a 65+ year old woman tell me she loved my knee high black boots. Go figure.

la di da

If you haven’t already checked out this most def comic, I beg you to start reading!
http://www.queenofwands.net/
Thanks to kikikimi for the heads up 😉
Rocked my Modern Cinema mid-term 🙂 Did not do so hot on my astronomy “quiz” (what quiz has 116 points??). How the hell did I miss out on the “why is the earth heliocentric” — jesus. Helios — sun! Hello lisa! earth to lisa!
The irony here is that I thought I aced the astronomy “quiz” and did poorly on my MC quiz. Go figure. 🙂 Had another test in MC today about “Annie Hall” and “The Piano” (good thing I DID watch that movie 😉 and I think I rocked it hard core. I was witty and profound 🙂 The same prof teaching the class is going to teach one next semester on Romeo/Juliet, using movies. Like using the two major versions of the movie (including the one with Leonardo DiCaprio), plus West Side Story, plus “Shakespeare in Love” and a few others. It sounds like an awesome class. So, I’m going to most def sign up for it.
I’m trying to get to lj-comments but as you can see it’s after 3am and my plans to go to bed early were shot to shit. tonight as some things came up. I’m going to be gone all day tomorrow (and seeing Bowling for Soup tomorrow night). Thursday is all day classes and study session with Megan in French. Friday is classes, stopping by to see Pip and show him what I have in mind for the next tat, then home to do homework and laundry. Saturday/Sunday off to mom’s for the weekend. Plus I have insane amounts of homework due so I’ll be working on that in between breaks tomorrow. Ugh. But it feels good to be busy 🙂
So, I’m getting a bit freaked out now about how people are suddenly having this “you are mine” affect towards me. As I reported on Sunday, Danny came by and I invited him to come to the shop on Monday for the piercing, of which he came. But he was making all these remarks that were just — not appropriate. It was like he did NOT hear a damn thing I said to him in early august. It was like — nothing ever happened. I saw Pip raise his eyebrows when he saw Danny walk out behind me when we came out of the booth and then Danny dutifully departed. I dig Pip. I wouldn’t say a lot but I do think he’s hot and he’s interesting. I’m always up for meeting interesting people and I know last time I talked to him a few weeks ago he was in an on and off again relationship. I’m not saying that I’m going to try to rat-a-tat that ass (though we were making lewd comments to each other about it), but I am saying, what if there WAS a chance? I sure as shit don’t want Danny hanging around sniffing because I’ve been there and done that not only got a tshirt BUT a nipple ring to boot (he bought me my right nipple piercing). I’ve TRIED to make that relationship work and it’s not. We are far too different people. Time to move the fuck on!
Now there is my brother. This is just plan WEIRD, but I think it’s because we are so close. He’s been working weekends to make extra cash along with working normal week day PLUS going to class. Yes, we live only one mile apart and we call/text each other everyday but we haven’t had a chance to get together because I’m always out doing something and he’s at work in the afternoons so when do we hook up? Well the last two days he’s been calling and either I missed his calls but he’s getting — downright PISSY about me not calling him back. It’s. Been. Two. Days. Earlier this summer we didn’t talk for TWO MONTHS due to an argument we had. Tonight as we left Denny’s he gave me a hug (and crushed my right ear– the one with the conch piercing — holy shit did that sting) and he’s like “Call me!” — I’m started bitching about how he acts like it’s been YEARS since we’ve last seen each other. Weird.
Then there is a few guys I know who are sniffing around but it’s like, they get mad if I talk about someone local who I’m interested in or that I went on a date with tiglore last week. Hello. I’m single. I’ve BEEN single for what? nine months now. I make no claims on anyone and why should they make claims with me? Men, take note, if you LIKE a woman, will you PLEASE tell her and stop this childish bs. Lastly, the HouseGuestFromHell. Well! She emailed me this very passive aggressive email today and basically told me in no uncertain terms that the ONLY reason she’s moving back to GR is because of me. WHich I appreciate but.. well read my response:

I will not be used as the sole reason or one of the biggest reason for you to move to grand rapids. I told you from the git go that I plan on moving from here when I graduate from Aquinas in 05 to go to grad school. As much as I like the area, what I want to do is not offered here, period. Grand Rapids is a growing city and there is much to offer but for education, I’m totally limited by my choices to further my education. If you are basing me as being the biggest reason for coming here, than what are you going to do when I leave? While you are one of my oldest and dearest friends, I have started finally to build a social scene here with other people who I can relate to. This is not to disregard your feelings, rather, I am recalling when you came up in July and it was the weekend before my finals and you knew before hand that I was going to be busy and you made it clear to me that you were going to be able to have fun with others other than me, which I was happy for you to do. However, that turned out NOT to be the case and I felt guilty that I had to study and that took away from “you” time. I will not be put in that position because first and foremost, regardless of who I am friends with, my education comes first. I will not bend to the will of others because of this. Period. Yes, I take full responsibility for the pause on the “argument”, on the flip side however, I’ve sent you numerous emails to your home account to never even get an acknowledgement on them. Even though they were mainly tidbits of interest, not once did you acknowledge them. Even when I emailed you about Sarah’s new single, you didn’t even reply, which surprised me. Everything in quotes is from you. Anything quoted inside the quotes is something you quoted from me, to keep it simple on who said what.

“Ok.”it has everything to do with how you treat me.” I need you to elaborate if you can on that. I understand that you are saying that you have an issue with the way I am treating you.. but what way am I treating you.”

My biggest issue right here is how you seem to ask me for advice on anything and then you contradict me/get defensive when I tell you what I know. Let’s start with computers. You call/email/im me about a problem and I tell you what I think it is based on what you tell me. You find alternate information either from someone else or on the web that may contradict what I’m saying and you automatically take that person’s side. It’s fucking annoying and I’m sick of it. Like when the computer guy came to your house to fix your pc and you had me on IM on your other machine and you were relaying stuff back and forth. What the hell was the point of that? ANother instance is when you asked about that townhouse on 60th and Division and I told you that it was Clterville. I also told you that the area was white-trash central, loaded with modular homes, factories, low end trailer parks and the mental hospital was local. You got defensive and said that the advert said it was in Kentwood. You get defensive on everything I say when you ask me for advice on anything, I don’t even know why I bother anymore when you ask because almost all the time you automatically find fault with it.

“I have abandonment issues and this is how they manifest in nme.”

I can no longer believe to be this true with you anymore. You are now 30 and you use this every time you feel remotely threatened by anyone taking me or anything away from you. This has become your automatic response and you either need to get over it, see a shrink or do something because I no longer will take this an the answer as to why you are being cranky.

“Next.. I don’t know what you mean by that I act like martyr. I don’t really know what means and then how it applies to me.”

Your definition of a martyr was right, however, some people act like a martyr to be the center of attention. You do this occasionally. I’m proud of the things you’ve accomplished and how you have raised Marcus but anytime someone happens to you negatively, it’s always the other persons fault, mainly when you end a friendship with someone. It’s always tit-for-tat. If they cross you in anyway regardless sof how trivial it is (like not sending you a card for your birthday or whatever), that person is automatically on your shit list and that person is always at fault. This is how you are a martyr.

“You said that our definitions of friendship are different and that it pains you. I would like to understand how they differ.”

Your definition of friendship was right on and I agree with that, but see my answer above. You do tit-for-tat with your friends and that really REALLY bothers me. It has me walking on a tight rope and I feel like if I do live up to your standards, you’re going to diss me. Regardless for how long we have known each other. I dislike feeling that way. Also, you seem to always have to be /in/ control of the relationship as well. Yes, I know your automatic response is that you have “control” issues, fine, so do i but I at least cut people slack and you don’t do that with me or with anyone in your life that I see. If things don’t go your way, you get into a tizzy with it.

“Ostracized,huh? You feel banished and excluded? I am thinking that I can’t be thinking about this the right way… How in the fuck have I made you feel ostracized? I have come to see you 4 times this year alone. I talk to you all the time and email/im you almost everyday. What am I missing from the picture?”

This is not about you coming to see me, this is about when you and Jeff get together, you two think it’s great fun to make fun of me, from everything from who I sleep with, to my lifestyle choices or you two bring up shit from when we were kids that you seem to think is effing hilarious. Well, I’ve told him and I have told you in the past, I don’t find it funny. I was suicidal throughout highschool and had a fucking hard time coming to grips with myself until my middle twenties. I dislike being teased in a hurtful manner, and while you two may not think it’s “hurtful,” I do. Yah, some stuff is humorous but it just seems that when you are with Jeff or with Danny or whatever, that I am the one who always ALWAYS gets picked on. That’s how I feel oscertized. Also, when you get together with Danny (when he has been around) and/or with Jeff, you always take their side if I’m having an argument with one of them. I’m always made out to be an irrational/crazy/take your pick on how I feel about X subject. I’m tired of it. I’ve told Danny, I’ve told Jeff and now I’m telling you.

“You refusing to pay rent unless I kicked Boobie out of the apartment that you no longer lived in. It was my life and it was my life lesson that I had to learn, but you felt you needed to interject your “pressure” so that the situation would be solved in the way you wanted to solve it.”

I thought we agreed never to bring this up again?

“Lastly, I am so confused on the computer issues paragraph of your email. When did you give me computer advise that I did not take?”

Yes, this was partly in response to when the tech guy came over, but there has been many times when I have told you about XYZ (nothing coming to head here) and you take it with a grain of salt, like you think I’m right, but you’re not sure kind of thing. I don’t MIND helping people with computer help, really, I don’t. I spend a lot of time helping out Jeff and Jeremy, but with them they just accept what I say or they don’t. You are not like that, you are almost argumentative on everything. Not quite, but it feels that way.
From another email:

“I don’t know why you are making this seem like I am by myself on this because you do the same thing. You emailed Miguel and Alan.. and maybe others.. so why the inquisition on understanding why I am doing it?”

The difference s that you are almost too naive when you go looking for people, it is as if you are trying to recreate the past instead of moving forward. Oh, I will admit at times I’m guilty as anyone on doing this as well, but with you it’s almost like an obsession. I admit that yah, it was cool emailing alan and Miguel, but I didn’t expect to hear back from them. It’s like you don’t think about what you are doing when you do this. It’s like you totally expect them to remain the same as they were when you left them and people are dynamic beings, we are not static. You want everything to be what it was in 1987, and it can’t be like that. When you found Mike Knuckles again, that was cool and all, but I had no real desire on seeing him again. I wish him well etc ad nauseam and there are no hard feelings but I have no desire to see/interact with him again as we were never that close and you seemed really REALLY put out that I didn’t want to hang out with him. Same thing with Love, until I made it clear that I wished her no ill will, rather, I had no interest in seeing her. Like with Josh, and with that I was disappointed because I HAD been so close to him up until I moved from GR in 1997. But things change. Right now I’m going through a period of my life where I’m weeding out people who are not being positive for me and not allowing me to grow. Danny got the boot around the same time this argument started and Jeff had his talking to. I DO love you and I think of you as my sister but I really think that there has to be some major changes in our relationship, that while you can always depend on me being there for you and being there for you for the ups/downs, I’m not always going to be local to you. That I will have many other interests and friendships other than with you. That I will always be evolving, and if you can’t see or even contemplate any of this well.. then, I don’t know what else to tell you. Lastly, I dislike your passive aggressive behavior. One minute you are cool with the pause because of life intervening on the other hand, you are telling me that if I don’t respond in a “respectable time period” that you are cutting off our friendship. I understand you have every right to want closure to this and I agree with that, but your choice of wording put me off and I was even MORE hesitant on emailing you to finish this off. I’m not a puppet at your strings and this is EXACTLy what I mean when I say you have control issues you REALLY need to work on.
lisa

re: don’t shut me out

HGFH emailed me a rather long email and I’m including my response here. Basically I’m sticking to my guns and while I might admit I was a bit harsh I do not apologize for what I said to her in the first email.
With that being said, if you happen to read this, there is a quote about my mothers response to my suicide attempt. What happened was that when I was 17, I attempted suicide with pills only to be found by friends shortly after the attempt. Stomach was pumped etc, the whole nine yards. Upon coming home, my mother responded, “Next time, use knives and not my medicine if you are going to attempt suicide.” My mother has no recollection of this little happening, well happening but it was when the stages of her own disease (depression) were starting to get worse. Who knew 10 years later she herself would attempt suicide? Oh the irony kills me on that one.

First off, my mom got her disability hearing. It’s in September. Good luck to your mom on getting hers quickly as well.
Secondly, my intention, albeit a bit harsh, again was not to inflame, irritate, or embarrass or kill our friendship. It has been basically many months of pent up aggression about how our relationship actually STANDS.
Thirdly, I wanted you to respond. I wanted you to read what I wrote and to respond to it. I have every intention of responding to you, as I’m doing now via email. The one thing I have learned about us is that we seem to clear up better understanding via email than voice or IM simply because we have time to think about what we want to say. I do understand that what you wrote is from the heart and I appreciate that but I don’t think you actually read what I wrote and that bothers me.
This has nothing to do with our ‘friendship’ per se, rather, it has everything to do with how you treat me. This is the key point. I tried to explain to this to you when we were at Applebees because I took you on your word and told you how I felt and you either didn’t get what I was saying, I was not explaining myself clearly enough or something because I could not make you understand just how clearly I felt about how you treat me. I felt like it took great courage for me to tell you to your face and you kind of poo-poo what I said. You did not address anything I asked of you in that email other than about the computer issue. The problem I have with you is that you act like a martyr and that everything revolves around you. It is clear that while you value our friendship your definition of our friendship is different than mine and that pains me. For 17 years I’ve lived under your shadow and I’ve tried to explain to you, many many many times that I am tired of being though of as secondary to everything else. For example, in high school and later when you found other friends to hang out with, you quite often choose to forget about me and hang out with them. Shannon was one and Sherry was another and Love is yet a third. And your retort is that I did the same, but see, that’s how it differs. I never intentionally dissed you until after you dissed me and I can’t tell you how many times this upset me. In later life, yes, you have been there and you know many things about my childhood most people have no clue about (ie: my mothers response to my suicide attempt) and I do appreciate that and in no ways am I shutting you out or keeping tabs about what is more appropriate in terms of help (ie my father dying vs your computer issues). It has everything to do with me standing up for myself and not only to you, but to Jeff and to Danny. Jeff knows that I am upset at you but does not know why. He does not or cares not to understand my anger. While I am very prolific in my writing as you do know, i do not always get the point across until at the very end.
Again, my point is not to disarm our relationship OR to make you go away, I want you to really think about our relationship and really make sure it’s clear that you understand where I am coming from. I have felt that I have lived in being ostracized from you, Jeff and others simply because my way is different than everyone elses choice and I will no longer put up with anyone telling me that what I’m doing is wrong or crazy or anything else. I need for you to really understand that more than anything.
As for the computer issues, I am no longer feeling like I can do computer support for you because you do not listen to what I have to say. While you will say that i am the computer goddess you have fought with me before on doing things simply because even if my way is tried and true, you read something else that differs. If my way is so wrong than I would suggest that you find someone else to do support for you. However, in light of the recent Blaster Worm, I would suggest you download the following:
http://www.microsoft.com/technet/treeview/?url=/technet/security/bulletin/MS03-026.asp
If you have Windows XP, download WinXP 32bit.
If you do not have the blaster worm, then download it anyways and patch yourself up. It will not require you to reboot however, download the following:
This is a FREE (as in no money) virus scanner. It runs everyday and will also do automatic downloads of virus updates for you.
Please do not respond until you’ve read this fully and then email me. I have no intention on ditching you as a friend, rather, I’m asking we take a serious look at our friendship.
Lisa

update on re: don’t shut me out

HGFH hasn’t emailed me and that suprised me. I think my email to her was a suprise and it’s not that I’m going to diss her, rather, I’m going to make very clear that it’s my way or the high way. No more whipping girl, more excuses, nothing. Speaking of which, I haven’t heard from Danny either and not that I expect to as he’s a big ass pussy, but hey.
UPS dropped off the dsl mo-dumb (which SBC told me would come via USPS and in five business days, it’s barely been two business days) grrr, answered the door with soap in my hair and a bathrobe. Finished my shower and went to work seeing if this modumb worked or not. Found out that they had mislabled some cables (like a plainly very clear telephone cable they have ‘cat 5′ sprinkled all over it’) and finally got it working. yay. the pcmcia slot in my laptop is not fried as I had very very sorta thought so no more sitting here making faces while on dialup. Even checking mail was a bitch in part thanks to IMAP on three servers was slowwwwwwww
Aquinas emailed me to finally tell me my PH101 grade posted from LAST SPRING. My argument had been that without this grade, I’d be short 3 credits for being a junior and thusly still be sophmore standing which in turn fucks up my funding because the money is based on junior status. This has been my main argument for the last three months. The academic advisor emails me that I’m STILL short 3cr from being a junior due to a class I took in the spring and then dropped. I emailed her back and said “um, no. According to aquinas I transferred 36cr, took 15 and passed 12 in the spring and 12 in the summer, of which all 24 i passed. I also notated that one of my classes just ended this past saturday so that class hasn’t postred yet either. Fucking jesus christ, is this really difficult to keep track of? Apparently so!
My brother laughed last night because i’m literally now a semester behind him in college credits. He’ll be graduating in Winter 04 while I’ll be graduating Spring 05. bwhahahaha. How funny is that?

There is a new sherrif in town

If I had a gun right now, I’d be blowing the smoke away from the barrel but since I don’t have a gun, we’ll just pretend.
The one thing I recognized about myself when I moved on my own is that I have huge issues with standing up to people I like/love/whatever. People I don’t know I can talk smack all day long but this fucking catholic guilt (as in, left over from my youth, not a recent addition thanks), makes me feel terrible when I voice my opinion on something. My mouth is what made me so er, popular with UUnet and why most people were uh, cautious of my mouth. But I have big problems with sticking up for myself, especially in matters that I think it will count in.
With that being said, I took what greentara said about HGFH being passive aggressive and spent most of the day thinking about this subject. I came to a few conclusions.

  1. I would rather be alone for the right reasons than friends (platonic or intimate) with someone for the wrong reasons. Case in point, HGFH, my brother and Danny.
  2. I will no longer be someones whipping girl.
  3.  I will no longer back down when someone attempts to correct me and tell me i’m ‘wrong’ or ‘crazy’.

For the better part of my adult life, I realised that those who were close to me (sic) where the ones who often said I was wrong, crazy, or completely off base on everything from how I treat my dogs, to how I wear and what I wear to purchases. It didn’t matter what it was, but I was always wrong and my decisions on everything were always knocked down. I whipped my brother into shape and then I took Danny on and finally HGFH also got some coming to her too. She accused me in a few recent emails of “interrogating her” causing her “humiliation” and “embarrassment” but you know, that’s not how i see it at all. I see it as standing up for myself and if she still wants to me a ‘friend’ when the dust settles and the gun is back in my holster, we’ll see. But chances are, when she gets that email, she’s gonna be upset, and unlike before, I’m not afraid of what her reasons are going to be.

mon-aye

I once a had a roomate back when I was living in SF that would bitch about the cashier ringing up incorrect price on something and turned out that the item was mismarked and it was like 39 cents difference or something retarded. She went on for about 15 minutes about this 39 cents. I finally dug up the 39 cents and slammed it into her palm. Will this shut you up, I asked. She just looked at her hand and to me while her friend laughed. The woman had two degrees from UC Berkeley, you’d think she’d get a CLUE, why the fuck is she stressed about 39 fucking cents?
I have issues with people who use money or the price of objects to whine or complain. Like my aunts who consider 5 bucks for burger fries and a drink at a resturant (not fastfood) is expensive. But when they find out that I took my mother to a decent place and paid 80 bucks for dinner for the two of us, they got pissed I didn’t invite them.
Perhaps my value of the dollar is skewered, but I’m not impressed with people who have $$$$ and label drop, and on the same token, I can’t deal with people who think that Olive Garden is expensive and BITCH about how expensive it is.
I guess living with metro areas, I just got very tired very fast of everything being about who you had stuck to your back and how much money you had in your pocket. Hey, I got a platinum card too buddy but it doesn’t mean shit. And yah, I’ve been dirt poor but that don’t mean shit either.
I’m just really tired of people bitching about money. Houseguestfromhell upon hearing I was going to spend 35 at a salon to get a hair cut kept saying “Well, it’s YOUR money…” (Yah and she looks like she goes to a barber, wtf ever). When she asked about what happened with my pc and I gave her the links to pc’s I was eyeing she was like “That seems to be too pricey for my blood, but whatever”. Everything ends with “whatever” or “it’s your money” with her. And you know, I may be broke this week, and I know when I shop, I SHOP, but my bills are paid and i have a roof over my head, so what the fuck? And yah, I emailed and asked her what her issue was with the whole money thing. It’s driving me fucking crazy.
She’s also one of those people who say “I have an opinion on XYZ but I’ll keep it to myself” and I’m like, WHAT THE FUCK. Don’t say shit like that unless you plan on telling me. Danny is like that too. that shit drives me insane. If you have an opinion and you are not going to tell me, then don’t tell me you have an opinion! Jesus.
And it’s not just her either, it’s others. I’m really tired of people assuming, like my aunts, that because I have a trust fund, I’m rolling in it. One of my aunts called me last week because she was 250 short on rent and she was three months behind and had gotten all but the last 250. I wired her the money but it wasn’t JUST her, it’s been others who think that because I support my mother, I should/could/would support them too. Um, hello, it’s in Canadian dollars and it’s not worth THAT much. It’s essentially to pay for my living and school for the next two years and the rest will be put towards retirement. But when people hear “trust’ and “Fund” suddenly I’m this person with a silver spoon in her mouth. Hey you know, i’m really fucking sorry my dad DIED and left this to me when I was 28, but you know, whatever. Hey, it wasn’t that long ago I was robbing peter to pay paul but you know, people forget that.
so yah, you know, whatever. *snort*

holy christ on a crutch

it’s 11am and i have NOT gone to bed. I have a 12:30pm appointment with my tattooist to finish DEATH and while I was laying in bed earlier this morning, I got a wild hair up my ass about a project I’m doing and was able to make it look 100x better. thank $diety.
As an aside, houseguestfromhell emailed me this morning as if nothing was wrong. wtf.
I’ll post pictures of the finished DEATH once I get home and then I’m passing out.

i want to rip someones head off and fucking feed their intestines to my dogs

first, there is the houseguest from hell. I’ll include her little conversation with me here:
i also changed her username to “houseguestfromhell”. Yes it’s long but it gives you a jist of what she’s like. The good stuff is at the bottom.
[23:03] houseguesfromhell: you there?
[23:04] modgirllisa: hey there
[23:04] houseguesfromhell: are you upset with me?
[23:04] modgirllisa: no why?
[23:04] houseguesfromhell: you haven’t returned any of my calls
[23:04] modgirllisa: i never got any of your calls
[23:04] houseguesfromhell: you haven’t been answering my im’s
[23:04] modgirllisa: um, the last IM i got from you was when we talked last week
[23:05] houseguesfromhell: not like i sent a lot but i think i sent 2
[23:05] modgirllisa: no, never got them
[23:05] modgirllisa: huh
[23:05] modgirllisa: now the phone thing i can understand because i got the software updated and it’s not taking vm’s now
[23:05] houseguesfromhell: i left you messages on you home and cell voicemails
[23:05] modgirllisa: um
[23:05] modgirllisa: my home vm is showing 0
[23:05] houseguesfromhell: i left you a message on your home phone saying htat I thought something was wrong with you cell phone voicemail
[23:05] modgirllisa: when?
[23:05] houseguesfromhell: let me think for a minute
[23:06] houseguesfromhell: i was calling to ask you a question that only you would know and if I could remember what I was trying to ask you than I could remember what day it was
[23:06] houseguesfromhell: last week sometime
[23:06] houseguesfromhell: like maybe thursday or friday
[23:07] houseguesfromhell: and i called yesterday but got no answer on cell phone with no vm and didn’t leave a mesage at home cause i thought you might be mad at me
[23:07] modgirllisa: no, i’m not.
[23:07] modgirllisa: i called my mom yesterday because i had to do some paperwork for her apartment rental stuff
[23:07] modgirllisa: and she said dhs had called and left me a vm over the weekend on my cell phone
[23:08] modgirllisa: and it wasn’t there
[23:08] houseguesfromhell: i think katie misses the girls
[23:08] houseguesfromhell: she has been acting very weird and lonely sort of.. Not that im trying to by pass what you are saying.. she is just up in my face crying
[23:09] modgirllisa: wow
[23:09] modgirllisa: that’s weird
[23:09] houseguesfromhell: did you go to your last class yet?
[23:09] modgirllisa: for creative writing?
[23:09] modgirllisa: nope that is august 9
[23:09] houseguesfromhell: yeah… thats the one you have every 3 weeks
[23:09] modgirllisa: yep
[23:09] modgirllisa: i finish up literacy trianing this week
[23:10] modgirllisa: and finish working on the web project for the tattoo shop and do homework for the august 9 class too
[23:10] houseguesfromhell: how is jeffie doing?
[23:10] modgirllisa: phone got disconnected
[23:10] houseguesfromhell: his?
[23:10] modgirllisa: so i don’t know
[23:10] modgirllisa: yah his
[23:10] houseguesfromhell: awww.. cell or home?
[23:10] modgirllisa: apparently jeremy is telling him he paid the bil
[23:10] modgirllisa: home
[23:10] houseguesfromhell: does his cell phone still work?
[23:11] modgirllisa: barely
[23:11] modgirllisa: he needs to get it replaced by sprint
[23:11] modgirllisa: and we’ve been trying to work that out but he’s working afternoons still
[23:11] modgirllisa: so i never see him
[23:11] houseguesfromhell: awww
[23:12] houseguesfromhell: so I have a situation that I am dealing with and I could use your advise
[23:12] houseguesfromhell: do you have time?
[23:13] modgirllisa: sure
[23:13] modgirllisa: go for it baby!
[23:13] houseguesfromhell: ok.. so there was this guy that we worked with at ASI named Tyrone Lockridge. Black guy.. very femine.. do you remember him?
[23:13] modgirllisa: um, nope.
[23:14] houseguesfromhell: ok.. well..
[23:14] houseguesfromhell: he and I became pretty close friends. We went to Chicago one day together and we used to hang out a lot…..
[23:14] modgirllisa: k
[23:14] houseguesfromhell: he says he had a crush on me.. I was very comfortable with him cause I thought he was gay and just didn’t know it yet.
[23:15] houseguesfromhell: so.. one of the movies we saw together was Mo’ Better Blues..
[23:15] modgirllisa: wait he says he has a crush on you NOW?
[23:15] houseguesfromhell: no
[23:15] modgirllisa: kay
[23:15] houseguesfromhell: so that movies was on the other night and it made me think of him …
[23:15] houseguesfromhell: so I looked him up.
[23:15] houseguesfromhell: I found him
[23:15] houseguesfromhell: he is gay.. but in denial
[23:16] houseguesfromhell: like he says “Im not gay…” and then a couple of sentences later “When I was with Tracy (a guy) for 7 years…”… and he is trying to say that he was with Tracy and will never be with another man.. Ok .. Whatever dude.
[23:16] houseguesfromhell: …
[23:16] modgirllisa: Paul was like that.
[23:16] houseguesfromhell: Ok.. so he was going through some stuff at home.. and I wanted to see him.. so I invtied him to come down here and visit….
[23:17] houseguesfromhell: so he is here
[23:17] houseguesfromhell: and we are not getting along
[23:17] houseguesfromhell: like way worse than you and me in June kind of not getting along
[23:17] modgirllisa: woah
[23:17] houseguesfromhell: he is supposed to be here until sunday
[23:17] houseguesfromhell: today is only tuesday.
[23:17] houseguesfromhell: he is driving me crazy…
[23:17] houseguesfromhell: so let me tell you some of the stuff that is getting me
[23:18] houseguesfromhell: so.. he is the guy who is messing with that author that I told you about… (and yet he is not gay).. and he told lynn that he would not be with him unless he was well compensated financially (whore).. so he is basically just trying to whore his way through life..
[23:19] houseguesfromhell: but you aren’t supoosed to do that with friends!!
[23:19] houseguesfromhell: not with people you are not trying to sleep with!!
[23:19] houseguesfromhell: he came down here with $5
[23:19] houseguesfromhell: five dollars
[23:19] modgirllisa: you’re kidding
[23:19] houseguesfromhell: for a week long trip
[23:19] modgirllisa: how did he get down there?
[23:19] houseguesfromhell: I bought his bus ticket cause it was cheap
[23:20] houseguesfromhell: and its not so much that I am paying for everything.. cause you know me with paying.. but its like he came down here expecting that and he is trying to get us to do all this stuff that he doesn’t have to pay for cause he is expecting me to pay for it!!
[23:20] modgirllisa: Why don’t you buy his bus ticket back home?
[23:21] modgirllisa: i mean, this is unlike you
[23:21] modgirllisa: really.
[23:21] houseguesfromhell: and he is approaching it like I am a gay guy he is trying to sleep with like “take me here” and “take me there” kind of thing
[23:21] houseguesfromhell: ok.. here is why.. and this is a preliminary reason.. not a final reason
[23:22] houseguesfromhell: we had a blow up tonight.. and I will tell you about.. but because of what he did afterward.. that I kind of feel like I partially want to “torture” him by keeping him here and not knowing when he is going home.. and.. if I send him home before he asks to be sent home than he is goign to view that he won and he got the best of me
[23:23] houseguesfromhell: now.. listen to what happened
[23:23] houseguesfromhell: I plugged in my cell phone cause it was dead
[23:23] houseguesfromhell: about an hour or so later he said “Is your phone done charging?”
[23:23] houseguesfromhell: I said “I don’t know”
[23:24] houseguesfromhell: He went over to the phone.. unplugged it and carried it over to the sofa..
[23:24] houseguesfromhell: I said.. “did you have to unplug it? It messes up the battery life if you don’t let it charge completely. You can make a call with it plugged in.”
[23:24] houseguesfromhell: that is when he flipped..
[23:25] houseguesfromhell: he said “You knew I wanted to use the phone. Why didn’t you tell me that when I asked you if I could use the phone?”
[23:25] houseguesfromhell: I said.. you didn’t ask me if you could use the phone.. you asked if it was done charging.
[23:27] modgirllisa: How long has it been since you’ve seen him?
[23:27] houseguesfromhell: ok.. hold on
[23:34] modgirllisa: shell?
[23:34] houseguesfromhell: hold on im on the phone with jeff
[23:34] modgirllisa: my brother?
[23:34] houseguesfromhell: yes
[23:39] houseguesfromhell: ok.. im back
[23:40] houseguesfromhell: so anyway.. that is when he flipped.. he was like.. why are you being so literal? Why is everything that I said examined word for word and analyzed?
[23:40] houseguesfromhell: before I could come out of my mouth with a question on what he was talking about he continues to go off about how uncomfortable I have made him since he showed up and how he is out of his element and that I am taking advantage of him
[23:40] houseguesfromhell: 12 years
[23:42] modgirllisa: So let me get this straight, you haven’t seen him in 12 years let alone talk to him and you invited him down to see you in Cincy with you paying the bus fare. He shows up with five bucks and a: you are surprised that he wants to take advantage of you and b: you want to keep him there because you want to torture him?
[23:43] modgirllisa: If that is all true, are you fucking insane?
[23:44] houseguesfromhell: so.. he went outside like he was going to smoke a cigarette. but didn’t have any as he was trying to quite smoking.. and was out there just talking shit about me.. right on my own porch.. like.. “Oh no you are not making me uncomfortable all these miles away from home. You do not appreciate the fact that I am here. You are talking to me like a 10 year old child and you take everyting so literally. This is ridiculous and I have never experienced anything so horrible in my entire life.”
[23:45] houseguesfromhell: well.. your paraphrasing makes it sound a little different than how I said it…
[23:45] houseguesfromhell: but you are right
[23:45] modgirllisa: get off the computer
[23:46] modgirllisa: tell his ungrateful ass he is going back on the first bus back tomororw
[23:46] houseguesfromhell: huh?
[23:46] houseguesfromhell: jeff said.. stop calling him he is goign to call you on your cell phone
[23:46] houseguesfromhell: ok?
[23:46] modgirllisa: um
[23:46] modgirllisa: i’m not calling him
[23:46] modgirllisa: and my cell phone is dead
[23:47] houseguesfromhell: is your house phone buys?
[23:47] modgirllisa: nope
[23:47] houseguesfromhell: busy*?
[23:47] modgirllisa: i just turned the phone on and off
[23:47] houseguesfromhell: he is trying to call you on your house phone and said its a busy signal
[23:47] modgirllisa: see above
[23:47] houseguesfromhell: why did you tell me to get off the computer?
[23:48] houseguesfromhell: the bus schedule is not convenient for me tomorrow.. its 545 am and 1010 am
[23:49] modgirllisa: it’s not convient with you
[23:49] modgirllisa: you know, you really take the cake
[23:50] houseguesfromhell: why shouldl I wake up at 330 in the morning or leave work to take his ass?
[23:50] modgirllisa: gee
[23:50] modgirllisa: i wonder
[23:50] modgirllisa: so he’s not around to further irriate you and take advantage of you?
[23:53] houseguesfromhell: i need to think about the best way to solve this
[23:53] houseguesfromhell: Im gonna head off to bed
[23:53] houseguesfromhell: I have to work at 8 tomrrow
[23:54] houseguesfromhell: ok?
[23:54] modgirllisa: sorry
[23:54] modgirllisa: trillian got caught up
[23:54] modgirllisa: fine.
[23:55] houseguesfromhell: ok.. i will talk to you tomorrow
So then my brother calls me back finally (on his cell) and because his house phone got disco’d (the roommate not paying on it you see) and he wants me to pay one of his bills for him online. Because he is dyslexic, he can’t tell the difference between a few letters and gets pissed at ME because he can’t fucking read. I get into the site and pay his fucking bill for him (out of his pocket not mine) and I tell him of an opportunity that grahamwest was interested in with him for some future work. ANYWAY, i said “Um, Jeff, they don’t shut the phone off after a single month of not paying the bill, and if he paid it a week ago they got he money already. Why don’t you get on Jeremy’s ass about why he isn’t paying the bills as you two share an apartment.” ANd he said “Jeremy is a grown ass man and can take care of himself.” I’m like WTF? HELLO! ANd he starts ranting and raging about my bill paying with my ex paul, um, our phone was never dico’s honey and we made over six figures combined. I got so pissed i slammed down the phone.
Now i’m angrily chewing on a straw.

cheap and easy

you may notice some changes happening around pronstar.org recently. Paul, my widdle luv muffin (even though he is denying me sex because I had a cigarette today) has been working on a web tool for me to update my site with ease from anywhere in the world without having to use nothing but a web browser. we are still beta testing that out — and while we do, i had gone through and started cleaning up my dead links. You may notice the links in the archive section NOW work (when before they hadn’t) and if you were really hard up, you could read all the back crap i wrote from 1995 on to current.
As of today, I’m up to November of 1998 on cleaning up bad links/images/spelling/typos. If you find anything in “Poetry”, “FUCK”, “Essay”, “Short Stories”, or “Past Journals” that has a dead link, typo, missing image: PLEASE LET ME KNOW! This is really really important to me as I’m making sure everything is organized and good to go when we convert it over. I’ve been doing my damndest to make sure everything is working but I know I missed some stuff.
like a bad penny
there has been a resurgence of activity on the lisa-network. first it started out with someone contacting me via aol im asking me about f.u.c.k. and when i wrote for it. which kind of surprised me because i haven’t had an issue published in over a year (probably going on two) and on the 7th (i think) anniversary of FUCK, jericho closed down it’s doors — and you have to admit, 7 years is a long time to run a ‘zine (especially on the internet). and that got me wondering about dear old fuck and as i was going through the archive list, it got me thinking about the mind set i was in when i wrote that. and then it dawned on me that my style of writing always began with a topic bar and the first sentence. there was never a set subject or topic other than what flowed from my head. sometimes i had an idea and i based it off of that — and other times, it was just words that i strung along to make it look pretty.
but the main point is, i had fun doing it.
i miss doing stuff like fuck, because it gave me someplace other than my website to showcase how i wrote. it wasn’t a matter if someone agreed with me or not or if they even liked it, but they still read it, which was an improvement over NOT reading it.
and moving along this curve, i suddenly got a flux of people who joined the mailing list, emailed me and signed the guestbook. while the domain is eye catching (is it not?), i haven’t been updating like i usually have been (even if sketchy) and there is no reason why this influx should be going on —
but who am i to argue?
so i think it’s spring — the influx of people getting what i have to say and the whole cleaning up issues i’ve been having recently with paul working on the back end of this dealie and me just plowing around on the front end. and i was thinking about this tonight when our new friend corey came over and showed us his old zine, verbosity. and again i got thinking.
and if you smelled smoke in Virginia, you know why.
regardless, i want to start a new zine. haven’t gotten any ideas yet, but i do have a few interviews lined up with a few people who are funny (like doug the advertising hound writer and tony, the vegan porn slut and finally keff, the mega star of userfriendly). i don’t have a theme and i probably shouldn’t be doing anything until i get pronstar.org up and running smoothly again, but hey, i’m just saying, if you want to help out, email me and let me know what you can do 🙂 i just am interested in doing something fun and worthwhile again — and basically kick start pronstar.org back into action baybee!
smoke free for five days
see topic
and in other news

  • my brother came and gone. we had fun. we bought him a laptop. we test drove a durango. damn i miss my brother. pictures will be forthcoming.
  • i’m being sued by shelly for a verbal agreement. the court date got moved to may 5, 2000. while some of you asked me her response to me moving from Virginia Beach to Fairfax, take a gander at how she felt about it.
  • i am now a flaming redhead. i bleached my hair from black to yellow to make it red.
  • we are not moving to boston. i think.
  •  i’ve been working at uunet for almost five months now. paul and i have been living together for nearly four. and we haven’t killed each other. joy! 🙂
  • i am tired and all the wonderful joyful things i was going to tell you, i have forgotten.

good night.
x0x0x0x
moi
 

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