Sorry, great quote on the hitler channel.
Here is a question (and really it is about no one in particular. really! I mean it!):
All my life people have told me they were attracted to me due to my “strong personality” (whatever that means). And that has been described from everything from being manipulative, to aggressive, to assertive, to being blunt and forthright. Yet on the other hand, if a strong personality needs “help”, usually people are kind of — frightened about helping. Maybe they think that said person (not necessarily me) will bounce right back or they can’t approach said person (which has been said to me too often when I needed emotional support, that I was “unapproachable”). Then there are the ‘weak’ people, the ones who can’t seem to get their shit together and come off as these totally almost helpless and subservient and I watch people flock to these creatures and the irony of that is that I know that this is an act. The whole helpless woah is me I can’t do jack or shit is — an act. And honestly, it’s not any ONE person but dozens of people through my travels that I met that are like that. And when I call them on the act or when I tell someone secondary it’s an act, I’m called a bitch and many unpleasant things. These are the people who turn a simple cold into a five-day sick fest. Why is it that the ones that ‘act’ are the ones who get all the glory and the ones who are true do not? People used to say that they liked me better when I would act more like a dainty flower and personally, I wanted to gouge my own eyes out.
I don’t get “the act”. I’ve left too many people like that in VA, SF and originally in MI and it’s like, this pattern that keeps repeating itself. I literally get sickened when I come across it because I want to shake these idiots.
And don’t speak to me about Karma. I’ll pop a Buddhist cap in your ass. I may have gotten a C- in theology, but don’t forget I rocked the final.
Category: The Lisa Chronicles
grrump
GVSU has my file still on, well file and I can go in the spring if I want. I also have to swap out my financial aid, which isn’t that big of issue. They took my brothers 72 credits from his old Uni so I should have 76 after the fall if I go to the GVSU in the spring. The cost is HALF of what Aquinas is and it’s not the money issue but the SHEER lack of BS of hoops I’ve had to jump through at this piece of shit college. This would mean my brother and I would be attending the same college and he is probably one semester ahead of me in graduation. heh.
grrump.
Maintance called and apparently the guy had the same problem at another location so they are researching this. No one else has filed a claim (not even the guy upstairs whom I went banging on his door earlier to tell him I had — bastard). I just can’t even begin to comprehend this bs. ugh.
fuck shit goddamnit
i hate aquinas.
That passion is now growing.
I fought for three months to get my Philosophy 101 grade because the fucking stupid professor hadn’t submitted it yet. SHe finally submitted it and I got the grade.
B-
The probem here, is that One paper is was an A and the other paper was a B, so with the final two papers how the FUCK did i end up with a B- average? I could not have DONE that poorly. You know, maybe I should go talk to gvsu because when I applied to them last year (and got accepted) they had everything on line for my degree ALONG with what classes would be good for me etc in my acceptance letter. Fuck I hate aquinas.
re: don’t shut me out
HGFH emailed me a rather long email and I’m including my response here. Basically I’m sticking to my guns and while I might admit I was a bit harsh I do not apologize for what I said to her in the first email.
With that being said, if you happen to read this, there is a quote about my mothers response to my suicide attempt. What happened was that when I was 17, I attempted suicide with pills only to be found by friends shortly after the attempt. Stomach was pumped etc, the whole nine yards. Upon coming home, my mother responded, “Next time, use knives and not my medicine if you are going to attempt suicide.” My mother has no recollection of this little happening, well happening but it was when the stages of her own disease (depression) were starting to get worse. Who knew 10 years later she herself would attempt suicide? Oh the irony kills me on that one.
First off, my mom got her disability hearing. It’s in September. Good luck to your mom on getting hers quickly as well.
Secondly, my intention, albeit a bit harsh, again was not to inflame, irritate, or embarrass or kill our friendship. It has been basically many months of pent up aggression about how our relationship actually STANDS.
Thirdly, I wanted you to respond. I wanted you to read what I wrote and to respond to it. I have every intention of responding to you, as I’m doing now via email. The one thing I have learned about us is that we seem to clear up better understanding via email than voice or IM simply because we have time to think about what we want to say. I do understand that what you wrote is from the heart and I appreciate that but I don’t think you actually read what I wrote and that bothers me.
This has nothing to do with our ‘friendship’ per se, rather, it has everything to do with how you treat me. This is the key point. I tried to explain to this to you when we were at Applebees because I took you on your word and told you how I felt and you either didn’t get what I was saying, I was not explaining myself clearly enough or something because I could not make you understand just how clearly I felt about how you treat me. I felt like it took great courage for me to tell you to your face and you kind of poo-poo what I said. You did not address anything I asked of you in that email other than about the computer issue. The problem I have with you is that you act like a martyr and that everything revolves around you. It is clear that while you value our friendship your definition of our friendship is different than mine and that pains me. For 17 years I’ve lived under your shadow and I’ve tried to explain to you, many many many times that I am tired of being though of as secondary to everything else. For example, in high school and later when you found other friends to hang out with, you quite often choose to forget about me and hang out with them. Shannon was one and Sherry was another and Love is yet a third. And your retort is that I did the same, but see, that’s how it differs. I never intentionally dissed you until after you dissed me and I can’t tell you how many times this upset me. In later life, yes, you have been there and you know many things about my childhood most people have no clue about (ie: my mothers response to my suicide attempt) and I do appreciate that and in no ways am I shutting you out or keeping tabs about what is more appropriate in terms of help (ie my father dying vs your computer issues). It has everything to do with me standing up for myself and not only to you, but to Jeff and to Danny. Jeff knows that I am upset at you but does not know why. He does not or cares not to understand my anger. While I am very prolific in my writing as you do know, i do not always get the point across until at the very end.
Again, my point is not to disarm our relationship OR to make you go away, I want you to really think about our relationship and really make sure it’s clear that you understand where I am coming from. I have felt that I have lived in being ostracized from you, Jeff and others simply because my way is different than everyone elses choice and I will no longer put up with anyone telling me that what I’m doing is wrong or crazy or anything else. I need for you to really understand that more than anything.
As for the computer issues, I am no longer feeling like I can do computer support for you because you do not listen to what I have to say. While you will say that i am the computer goddess you have fought with me before on doing things simply because even if my way is tried and true, you read something else that differs. If my way is so wrong than I would suggest that you find someone else to do support for you. However, in light of the recent Blaster Worm, I would suggest you download the following:
http://www.microsoft.com/technet/treeview/?url=/technet/security/bulletin/MS03-026.asp
If you have Windows XP, download WinXP 32bit.
If you do not have the blaster worm, then download it anyways and patch yourself up. It will not require you to reboot however, download the following:
This is a FREE (as in no money) virus scanner. It runs everyday and will also do automatic downloads of virus updates for you.
Please do not respond until you’ve read this fully and then email me. I have no intention on ditching you as a friend, rather, I’m asking we take a serious look at our friendship.
Lisa
update on re: don’t shut me out
HGFH hasn’t emailed me and that suprised me. I think my email to her was a suprise and it’s not that I’m going to diss her, rather, I’m going to make very clear that it’s my way or the high way. No more whipping girl, more excuses, nothing. Speaking of which, I haven’t heard from Danny either and not that I expect to as he’s a big ass pussy, but hey.
UPS dropped off the dsl mo-dumb (which SBC told me would come via USPS and in five business days, it’s barely been two business days) grrr, answered the door with soap in my hair and a bathrobe. Finished my shower and went to work seeing if this modumb worked or not. Found out that they had mislabled some cables (like a plainly very clear telephone cable they have ‘cat 5′ sprinkled all over it’) and finally got it working. yay. the pcmcia slot in my laptop is not fried as I had very very sorta thought so no more sitting here making faces while on dialup. Even checking mail was a bitch in part thanks to IMAP on three servers was slowwwwwwww
Aquinas emailed me to finally tell me my PH101 grade posted from LAST SPRING. My argument had been that without this grade, I’d be short 3 credits for being a junior and thusly still be sophmore standing which in turn fucks up my funding because the money is based on junior status. This has been my main argument for the last three months. The academic advisor emails me that I’m STILL short 3cr from being a junior due to a class I took in the spring and then dropped. I emailed her back and said “um, no. According to aquinas I transferred 36cr, took 15 and passed 12 in the spring and 12 in the summer, of which all 24 i passed. I also notated that one of my classes just ended this past saturday so that class hasn’t postred yet either. Fucking jesus christ, is this really difficult to keep track of? Apparently so!
My brother laughed last night because i’m literally now a semester behind him in college credits. He’ll be graduating in Winter 04 while I’ll be graduating Spring 05. bwhahahaha. How funny is that?
There is a new sherrif in town
If I had a gun right now, I’d be blowing the smoke away from the barrel but since I don’t have a gun, we’ll just pretend.
The one thing I recognized about myself when I moved on my own is that I have huge issues with standing up to people I like/love/whatever. People I don’t know I can talk smack all day long but this fucking catholic guilt (as in, left over from my youth, not a recent addition thanks), makes me feel terrible when I voice my opinion on something. My mouth is what made me so er, popular with UUnet and why most people were uh, cautious of my mouth. But I have big problems with sticking up for myself, especially in matters that I think it will count in.
With that being said, I took what greentara said about HGFH being passive aggressive and spent most of the day thinking about this subject. I came to a few conclusions.
- I would rather be alone for the right reasons than friends (platonic or intimate) with someone for the wrong reasons. Case in point, HGFH, my brother and Danny.
- I will no longer be someones whipping girl.
- I will no longer back down when someone attempts to correct me and tell me i’m ‘wrong’ or ‘crazy’.
For the better part of my adult life, I realised that those who were close to me (sic) where the ones who often said I was wrong, crazy, or completely off base on everything from how I treat my dogs, to how I wear and what I wear to purchases. It didn’t matter what it was, but I was always wrong and my decisions on everything were always knocked down. I whipped my brother into shape and then I took Danny on and finally HGFH also got some coming to her too. She accused me in a few recent emails of “interrogating her” causing her “humiliation” and “embarrassment” but you know, that’s not how i see it at all. I see it as standing up for myself and if she still wants to me a ‘friend’ when the dust settles and the gun is back in my holster, we’ll see. But chances are, when she gets that email, she’s gonna be upset, and unlike before, I’m not afraid of what her reasons are going to be.
mon-aye
I once a had a roomate back when I was living in SF that would bitch about the cashier ringing up incorrect price on something and turned out that the item was mismarked and it was like 39 cents difference or something retarded. She went on for about 15 minutes about this 39 cents. I finally dug up the 39 cents and slammed it into her palm. Will this shut you up, I asked. She just looked at her hand and to me while her friend laughed. The woman had two degrees from UC Berkeley, you’d think she’d get a CLUE, why the fuck is she stressed about 39 fucking cents?
I have issues with people who use money or the price of objects to whine or complain. Like my aunts who consider 5 bucks for burger fries and a drink at a resturant (not fastfood) is expensive. But when they find out that I took my mother to a decent place and paid 80 bucks for dinner for the two of us, they got pissed I didn’t invite them.
Perhaps my value of the dollar is skewered, but I’m not impressed with people who have $$$$ and label drop, and on the same token, I can’t deal with people who think that Olive Garden is expensive and BITCH about how expensive it is.
I guess living with metro areas, I just got very tired very fast of everything being about who you had stuck to your back and how much money you had in your pocket. Hey, I got a platinum card too buddy but it doesn’t mean shit. And yah, I’ve been dirt poor but that don’t mean shit either.
I’m just really tired of people bitching about money. Houseguestfromhell upon hearing I was going to spend 35 at a salon to get a hair cut kept saying “Well, it’s YOUR money…” (Yah and she looks like she goes to a barber, wtf ever). When she asked about what happened with my pc and I gave her the links to pc’s I was eyeing she was like “That seems to be too pricey for my blood, but whatever”. Everything ends with “whatever” or “it’s your money” with her. And you know, I may be broke this week, and I know when I shop, I SHOP, but my bills are paid and i have a roof over my head, so what the fuck? And yah, I emailed and asked her what her issue was with the whole money thing. It’s driving me fucking crazy.
She’s also one of those people who say “I have an opinion on XYZ but I’ll keep it to myself” and I’m like, WHAT THE FUCK. Don’t say shit like that unless you plan on telling me. Danny is like that too. that shit drives me insane. If you have an opinion and you are not going to tell me, then don’t tell me you have an opinion! Jesus.
And it’s not just her either, it’s others. I’m really tired of people assuming, like my aunts, that because I have a trust fund, I’m rolling in it. One of my aunts called me last week because she was 250 short on rent and she was three months behind and had gotten all but the last 250. I wired her the money but it wasn’t JUST her, it’s been others who think that because I support my mother, I should/could/would support them too. Um, hello, it’s in Canadian dollars and it’s not worth THAT much. It’s essentially to pay for my living and school for the next two years and the rest will be put towards retirement. But when people hear “trust’ and “Fund” suddenly I’m this person with a silver spoon in her mouth. Hey you know, i’m really fucking sorry my dad DIED and left this to me when I was 28, but you know, whatever. Hey, it wasn’t that long ago I was robbing peter to pay paul but you know, people forget that.
so yah, you know, whatever. *snort*
the end of the part time girlfriend
danny and i have been doing this ‘dance’ for seven years. yes, seven long years between cross country moves, boyfriends, girlfriends and what not and we always end up back ‘together’. This time around, for the last 8 months we’ve been vaguely seeing each other (if seeing each other once a week is being vague). We’ve only had sex less than a handful of times but it has been within the recent month or so that things began to gnaw at me. I realised that for all of the things I loved about him, there were all these things that I didn’t and I had wavered back and forth about this for the last few weeks.
Now to be fair, he knows that i had put personals ads up, but even then i still didn’t feel like i was ‘cheating on him’ because we are not together. But I was tired of being this convenience for him on friday and saturday nights and he has this IRRITATING as fuck habit of “danny would you like to go out with me” and him saying maybe. I DETEST PEOPLE WHO DO THAT. He went so far as last weekend as saying I was being desperate for the big get together we did. Not desperate that I couldn’t get another date but desperate if i wanted him.
All week I’ve raged with this internal war deciding what is it that I want and what is it that I wanted from him and what the fuck was this shit anyways. Two people who I spoke to about said that it was a comfort issue — he was comfortable and I had to hold back myself because I too could see this as well.
Other things began to emerge the more I thought. I was his dirty little secret. I was okay to prance around in public with major pda going on or to friends who knew both of us, but in the eight months together did he not once come to me and invite ME to go out with him and his friends. I haven’t even been to house save ONCE in the last eight months due to his exgf living there who hates my guts because she knew that he was/is in love with me. Even when they were together. She doesn’t even KNOW i’m back in GR. His life is like this proverbial soap opera and I decided, I wanted to be killed off or made the main character. This recurring bit part was killing me.
Due to my lack of internet issues, I emailed him and told him to call my cell to let me know when he was coming over. I had fallen asleep on the couch listening to “Helen of Troy” on tivo when I heard someone at the door. I was groggy from three hours of sleep from last night when I had answered and it was him. We sat on my couch for awhile watching the movie and I finally got up and changed to go out. He was, as par usual, indecisive about what to do. We ran a few errands and eventually he gave me a tour about him growing up in the city. We drove all over GR and we stopped at a few cemeteries and I walked around amazed at all the dates on the stones. I said “Lets drive to Holland or Grand Haven and watch the sun set.” He said “No, my eyes will be blinded the whole drive there.” I replied “Let me drive.” He sort of shook his head. As we were driving back towards my general area, he took a different route that lead to Holland. It also went by my house. I played this game with myself to see if he would get off at my exit, and he did. I lost. He told me he wasn’t feeling well and I hadn’t been feeling all that great either but I didn’t want the evening to end just yet. As he pulled into my parking lot, suddenly I was like a bat out of hell trying to gather my things to get the fuck out of his car. He had unbuckled his seatbelt and pulled me over into this hug that was like something an aunt or a long lost cousin would give you. I hate those kind of hugs. I pulled away and as I did so he leaned over and kissed me gently on the cheek. He pulled back and asked me what was wrong and I sat there staring out of his grimey windshield not sure on what to say. I invited him upstairs. He declined saying he wanted to go home and shower and relax. I told him he could stay the night and chill with me and again he declined. He then asked me what was wrong and this whole time I kept staring out that fucking windshield. He put the car in park and my door was wide open and my bag was on the ground and I had my right foot planted squarely next to it. I debated on saying what i was feeling and finally I did.
“I’m tired of being your part time girlfriend”.
He gave all these excuses and I just sat there shaking my head. I am tired of being your friday night/saturday night convenience. I work all week he says and added that we go out on the week too (Once, in the last six months, that was last week). I corrected him on that. He said what do you want, I said, I want you and I don’t know if you want me back but I can’t go on like this. I don’t want to be JUST your part-time girlfriend. I listed a few more things.
All he said was “It’s my fault. I’m sorry.”
No agreement no lets talk about it, just, “I’m sorry.”
I mumbled see you later and hopped out of the car, slamming the door behind me. I heard him pull his car back and I thought “maybe he’s parking and he’ll come up to talk to me.” So I walked into my apartment and dropped my stuff on the kitchen counter and waited. I took deep breaths waiting for that door to bang but it never happened. I grabbed my garbage to go out and walked back outside, hoping I’d see him walking towards me. As I crossed the parking lot, I scanned the area looking for his car.
It wasn’t there.
song was unintentional, i swear!
Okay, question:
I am bipolar with a side dash of social anxiety disorder. I’ve been feeling pretty damn good for these last eight months and yah I’ve had my ‘days’ but not like it used to at all when I used to be crippled up in bed for days because I was so depressed or I was so manic that I’d stay up for days on end.
So my question is, should this not concern me that I’m bipolar? I’ve done the drug route (and have been on lithium, buspar, wellabutrin, celexa, and other half dozen I can’t remember) and all the shrinks have not worked (been seeing them since I was nine) and I guess I’m going the more au natural route but either I’m too strong willed or something because being bipolar is a major illness and yet I’m kinda like, totally nonchalat about it. In fact I’d say than othe the rare really blue day, I’ve been pretty even keel.
Questions? Ideas? Anything?
streaming
Streaming is/has been up for some time now as I continue ripping cds. I’m currently up to 1010 mp3s or about 70Hours of music, according to winamp;
If there are lag, it is mostly due to me ripping cds — even though my computer is pretty hefty it seems to choke every now and then and dupe songs are due to me having the same song on differnet albums. I’m not gonna get THAT pedantic about it 😉
OH and only has a maxusers 10 at any given time.
This is up 24 hours a day.