Aquinas – A Most Unreliable Narrator

damn you, Freud!

I’m blaming Freud for all my ill will right now, even though he is indirectly related. If he hadn’t come up with the cockamamie scheme of psychoanalysis, and if his children hadn’t spawned it, it would not have been part of my Intro To Lit Theory class that I had to take this past semester.
I can still see the textbook, flipped open to that page, discussing how individuals who tend to change things about themselves rather frequently have this: unstable sense of self.
In short, they have no idea who the hell they are!
Sound familiar?
It’s been the anathema of my life, really. (Would have you know that it pays to look up words that you are not sure the spelling of. I almost had “anthema” — which means to blossom. Amazing what one little letter does.)
It’s days like this that I need to take stock on what and who I am. So
let’s begin:

I’m 31.
I have my own apartment, stocked full of materialistic goodies.
Brand new 04 car.
Two pugs.
Family that loves me (even when they get on my nerves).
Exes who come and go out of my life, but overall general good relations.
I have 90/60 blood pressure, all my own teeth, hair is not greying and I’ve lost 30lbs this year.
Never been to prison, have my GED, going to colleg,e and tend to keep myself out of trouble.
Friends, far and wide, who love me.

So why, then, am I not happy?
I’m on this middle ground and it’s driving me crazy! Of course. On one hand, all of my friends (real and virtual) are shacking up and getting married, having babies and of COURSE I am happy for them. But. I’ve been down that road before and it’s not really something I care to get into again. I’ve lived with enough men, had enough proposals and what not for any woman in her own lifetime.
Yet there is this underlying and unquenchable thirst to NEED. But what is it that I need?
What. Is. It. That. I. Need. To. Make. Me. Happy.
I found that my own paradigm of thought was more different than others this year during classes. I did just as well as some of the best students but the train of thought that I would follow was never the same as the others. At first this disturbed me, because I thought I was wrong (if you are not following the herd, then you must be — right?) Later, as the grades start pouring in and I was doing just as well as they were, I realised I was right to continue on this path. But my path was different and while I embraced the difference, it felt like it was reflecting really my life as a whole.
Because I’ve never, ever, done anything by the book.
As you already may know.
2003 was about looking for who I was, to dismiss everything that made me feel icky and take me by the horns. I needed to heal and I needed to get my shit together, and consciously I did that. I made concrete decisions and found out WHO I was, after all this time. I took chances that I would have never taken before and I resisted things that I knew would end up
hurting me. Most of this, of course, resulted in my choices of men. I was no longer going to date someone simply because they were interested in me, rather, I was going to make sure that I was interested in them. Also, I was not going to allow myself to make decisions based on my loins either. Which was difficult to do.
So who is Lisa?
This is ironic, but, I was watching Charmed a few weeks back (via Tivo, of course) and one of the minor characters said to Phoebe (one of the major ones, if you don’t watch it) that so many women of her generation wanted to be independent and have careers, and when it came down to it, they were finding themselves in their 40s and 50s, alone. Not sharing their success with anyone because no one was around. That saddened me, because that was the life (or one of the lives) I had predicted for myself. I was (and to an extent) so thoroughly tired of relationships, I wanted nothing more than to be alone. But that is not working out EITHER, as I have discovered.
Another really cheesy thing I had read somewhere, was how if you spend so much time looking for yourself, you end up losing yourself. Life is in the here and now, and with that I do agree. This is why I dismiss most of the crackpot shrinks, drugs and what not, because I’ve been following their plan for the last 20 years and where did it get me? Bwahahah! More confused than ever!
But what it is about ‘me’ that is so uniquely different than everyone else? Oh, I know the old saying “You’re different than everyone else” but, I can’t keep feeling that somehow I’m ‘more different’ than those other unique people. I’m not sure if it is because they found someone to be happy with, or what the case is, but you know, this shit is for the birds!
I’m a lot stronger than I was a year ago. I’m a lot more positive and yes, in many aspects I’m happier, a lot happier. But the bottom line is, there is still something missing that needs to make me fulfilled and I really, REALLY wish I knew what that was.
x0x0x
Lisa
ps: I dismiss the crackpot theory about the unstable sense of self, because like most theories, it tends to generalize and not be concrete.

sWEeT dreams

Today and tonight ended up being pretty darn internesting.
I stayed up till 7am working on my portfolio and ended up blowing off my Astronomy quiz (which I’ve been calling my midterm, but isn’t) and I emailed the prof and rescheduled it for when we are back in school next week after fall break. Woke up late as shit and drove like a bat out of hell to AQ to drop off said portfolio. Also sent the letter I wrote to Miguel. Picked up my Modern Cinema final, and aced it. I’m not quite sure how one would get a B or lower in that class.
Forgot my cell at home and didn’t get a chance to call darkdepths until much later when I got home. Due to time constraints, we met up for Qdoba and went to Best Buy to return one of my digital cameras because a toggle fell off and got it totally replaced. Also picked up a 64Mb memory card for it and we headed off to the tattoo shop so that I could get the other Buttercup finished.
I told darkdepths I was glad she was coming with me because I was feeling really trepidatious about going especially after what happened last week and the previous week. Well, color me shocked as when I got there, A. treated it like it never happened. In fact she told me that R. busted his ankle and leg while in the mosh pit last night and was at the hospital. I felt terrible, but yet in a way I didn’t. From what was being said to me via A, it was like things were going to go back to the way they were — with no thought about the business OR the fact he smacked her up.
I wandered over to Pip’s studio and apologized for being late. He was tattooing a girl and wasn’t done with her yet and it was her first tattoo (poor girl she was frightened). I said quite loudly “Hey pip! Did you hear I was a lesbian and was trying to steal A. away?” He said “You know, I was going to ask you about that. R. was telling people that all over the shop and I thought he was nuts considering you’ve had boyfriends etc” We started laughing. Pip hates R. and vice versa. I made the decision I’m going to stay away from the shop unless I really need to go. I’ll keep throwing my business there but R. gives bad juju and I doubt anything will change.
Since Pip couldn’t fit me in that night, I rescheduled for Saturday night, with darkdepths in tow. We decided to go back my house and chill for awhile and see what was going on, watch movies and the like. Came home and Ben had been messaging me and he was drunk. We said “WOOHOO!” and after walking the dogs, convinced him to get on VoIP with us. WELL! I’m not quite sure how it started but we started taking pictures and trading (we went and then he went). What ended up was staged shots and naked photos on both sides! WOOHOO!
The public post was one of them, the icon in this journal is another. The rest are online but not in the gallery nor are they in my usual directory either. 😉 The irony to this was that she and I were almost totally sober while he, was not. It’s amusing and yet secure in a way she and I just stripped naked and posed all over my apartment. But it was fun. Ben asked if we could do this every friday night and we laughed. I kept asking him if he was going to regret doing this later when he wakes up and realises what he’s done. LOL. He said no — but we have got him almost convinced to come to the States, which ruled in my book. 🙂
A very good time was had by all.

socks break: Miguel Part I

I’ve been fascinated with what people put on their feet lately. I was noticing in one of my classes today that damn near anyone who was wearing closed toe shoes/boots (while this is michigan and it’s 30 degrees out, people will still wear sandals: barefoot), I saw dozes of fun socks peeking out from under pants. It’s like some sort of unknown phenomenon where you must wear kooky socks regardless if they match your outfit or not. I’ve gotten quite a collection myself, partly in thanks to pikajew who hooked me up a few years ago for a birthday or a christmas thingy. So I’m sitting here in sweatshorts and a mr bubbles tshirt with these really fun dark blue socks on with the words ‘kinky’ on them along with some kooky cartoon. Don’t ask me, I just report the news.
One essay down, the ‘hard’ one and one more to go. I keep thinking I have early morning class tomorrow and I don’t — my astronomy midterm is not until 1:30pm. As long as I’m in bed, er, in a few hours, I should be good (I hope).
I’m curious about my study habits. I have a pretty good sized L-shaped desk that holds my 19″ monitor, fax machine, copier/printer, and assorted junk. It’s nice and spacey. My desktop is bitchin’ at 2.6ghz and broadband — yet I choose to hang out at my dining room table where my books are sprawled everywhere working on my old ass laptop with the 12″ screen. I love space. Right now all my books, notes and assorted gadgets are sprawled all around me (with one leg propped up on the table and the other one I am sitting on in the chair). Hell, I have a big comfy leather chair in which I can sit in at my desk and yet i choose the hardback dining room chairs. I think I feel that the desktop will just suck me into not doing work — it’s been known to happen. Sit down to check email and it’s nine hours later. Things take forever to load on my laptop and essentially it’s just good for basic internet stuff and writing papers (however, it is difficult to gauge space in papers when your resolution is 800×600).
darkdepths and I are hanging out tomorrow after class and tomorrow night I’m getting the other buttercup finished — finally (if there is no fucking drama associated with it). Possibly getting together on saturday for fondue! Unfortunately, there is not a Melting Pot here but I do have my fondue pot and I just need to get a bunsen burner for the underneath and food stuff and it should be fun. Megan is going back to the Twin Cities for the week, my brother will be working and darkdepths is heading back to A2 as well. Most of the people I know are taking off so I’ll be heading to my mom’s on Tuesday or so and hanging out there next week. November is looking to be shaping up as a busy month. My friend Karen and I are heading to the Magic Stick in Detroit to see Twilight Singers (and I haven’t even fucking bought their new album yet — this must be remedied!). ach is coming to Chicago to see family and I’ll be heading down there to hook up with him. Patrick, a very old friend of mine called me tonight to tell me he is coming from Colorado to MI in a few weeks to see family and wants to hook up — which I can’t wait to see him. I haven’t seen him since… 1997 at Def Con — damn it’s been a long time. He’s also thinking about moving back to the Detroit area, which will be fun. He and I did some crazy ass road trips together back in 1996 that took us all around SE Michigan and Canada. Good times man, good times.
I was thinking the other day when I was driving that it was a shame that things didn’t work out with tiglore and myself — but you can’t force chemistry. I’m in the mood to date, I’m realising that more. On the other hand, I’m pretty content with being solo. I keep seeing all this bad juju with some couples and I think “Yech, not me man!” and then I see happy couples and I go ‘awww — fuckers’. While I play at being the whole bitter old hag bit, it is just a schtick. You DO realise that right?
After French midterm, I met Megan outside where she was hanging out with some other people in our class. I had the brochure in my hand for the class trip to Paris in the spring in which I want to go to (Megan and I have ‘other’ ideas on what to do in Paris *ahem*), and I noticed that the prices were for students “under 25” — and I was bitching about the “adult” price which was jacked up 300 bucks more. Roland, the other student, asked why I was bitching, and I said “because I’m over 25” and his mouth dropped open to the point I could see his tonsils. “No way!” — Megan and I laughed (she knows how old I am). “I thought you were 21!” — hahaha. “No, she’s over 25”, Megan responded. I never alluded to how old I really was. Rumour had it that Roland was hitting on a 32 year old woman simply so he could brag he bagged a 32 year old — he’s all of 18.

——————

He’s in the fucking phone book.
When I first moved back to GR, I called Josh, a guy I’ve known for about 15 years. Josh had told me the summer of 2001 when I had come back home to take care of my mom that a guy I had dated from when I was 17-22, Miguel, had been looking for me. To make sure I was okay, how I was doing etc. Josh hadn’t spoken to me in a few years and didn’t have my whereabouts and had nothing to report. Josh had told me in 2001 that Miguel had opened up his own restaurant south/north of town (I forget which), and when I got back to VA I had dropped him a letter to the restaurant — and never heard anything. In the interim years, I had casually searched for him only to find nothing on the fucking Internet under the variations of his first name and the two last names he uses. Earlier this year, I was browsing through classmates.com and found Miguel listed. Excited, I dropped him a note lettting him know I was in town, how were things going etc. Never heard a word and classmates.com deletes all mail after 60 days. I never bothered to follow up because at this point I thought it was a dead trail. No end.
Lately I’ve been having dreams about him, and I don’t know why. it’s been a good decade since I’ve seen him and things ended fairly — dramatically. Why, out of all the people in my life, does he continue to haunt me? I had a dream about him recently and I was thinking about looking for him again. I log into classmates.com and find that he is no longer listed. Search the internet again and nothing. This bright idea hits me to look in the phone book.
There he is, listed in black and white. Down the corner from AQ.
he. has. been. in. the. phone. book. all. this. time.
Now what?

la di da

If you haven’t already checked out this most def comic, I beg you to start reading!
http://www.queenofwands.net/
Thanks to kikikimi for the heads up 😉
Rocked my Modern Cinema mid-term 🙂 Did not do so hot on my astronomy “quiz” (what quiz has 116 points??). How the hell did I miss out on the “why is the earth heliocentric” — jesus. Helios — sun! Hello lisa! earth to lisa!
The irony here is that I thought I aced the astronomy “quiz” and did poorly on my MC quiz. Go figure. 🙂 Had another test in MC today about “Annie Hall” and “The Piano” (good thing I DID watch that movie 😉 and I think I rocked it hard core. I was witty and profound 🙂 The same prof teaching the class is going to teach one next semester on Romeo/Juliet, using movies. Like using the two major versions of the movie (including the one with Leonardo DiCaprio), plus West Side Story, plus “Shakespeare in Love” and a few others. It sounds like an awesome class. So, I’m going to most def sign up for it.
I’m trying to get to lj-comments but as you can see it’s after 3am and my plans to go to bed early were shot to shit. tonight as some things came up. I’m going to be gone all day tomorrow (and seeing Bowling for Soup tomorrow night). Thursday is all day classes and study session with Megan in French. Friday is classes, stopping by to see Pip and show him what I have in mind for the next tat, then home to do homework and laundry. Saturday/Sunday off to mom’s for the weekend. Plus I have insane amounts of homework due so I’ll be working on that in between breaks tomorrow. Ugh. But it feels good to be busy 🙂
So, I’m getting a bit freaked out now about how people are suddenly having this “you are mine” affect towards me. As I reported on Sunday, Danny came by and I invited him to come to the shop on Monday for the piercing, of which he came. But he was making all these remarks that were just — not appropriate. It was like he did NOT hear a damn thing I said to him in early august. It was like — nothing ever happened. I saw Pip raise his eyebrows when he saw Danny walk out behind me when we came out of the booth and then Danny dutifully departed. I dig Pip. I wouldn’t say a lot but I do think he’s hot and he’s interesting. I’m always up for meeting interesting people and I know last time I talked to him a few weeks ago he was in an on and off again relationship. I’m not saying that I’m going to try to rat-a-tat that ass (though we were making lewd comments to each other about it), but I am saying, what if there WAS a chance? I sure as shit don’t want Danny hanging around sniffing because I’ve been there and done that not only got a tshirt BUT a nipple ring to boot (he bought me my right nipple piercing). I’ve TRIED to make that relationship work and it’s not. We are far too different people. Time to move the fuck on!
Now there is my brother. This is just plan WEIRD, but I think it’s because we are so close. He’s been working weekends to make extra cash along with working normal week day PLUS going to class. Yes, we live only one mile apart and we call/text each other everyday but we haven’t had a chance to get together because I’m always out doing something and he’s at work in the afternoons so when do we hook up? Well the last two days he’s been calling and either I missed his calls but he’s getting — downright PISSY about me not calling him back. It’s. Been. Two. Days. Earlier this summer we didn’t talk for TWO MONTHS due to an argument we had. Tonight as we left Denny’s he gave me a hug (and crushed my right ear– the one with the conch piercing — holy shit did that sting) and he’s like “Call me!” — I’m started bitching about how he acts like it’s been YEARS since we’ve last seen each other. Weird.
Then there is a few guys I know who are sniffing around but it’s like, they get mad if I talk about someone local who I’m interested in or that I went on a date with tiglore last week. Hello. I’m single. I’ve BEEN single for what? nine months now. I make no claims on anyone and why should they make claims with me? Men, take note, if you LIKE a woman, will you PLEASE tell her and stop this childish bs. Lastly, the HouseGuestFromHell. Well! She emailed me this very passive aggressive email today and basically told me in no uncertain terms that the ONLY reason she’s moving back to GR is because of me. WHich I appreciate but.. well read my response:

I will not be used as the sole reason or one of the biggest reason for you to move to grand rapids. I told you from the git go that I plan on moving from here when I graduate from Aquinas in 05 to go to grad school. As much as I like the area, what I want to do is not offered here, period. Grand Rapids is a growing city and there is much to offer but for education, I’m totally limited by my choices to further my education. If you are basing me as being the biggest reason for coming here, than what are you going to do when I leave? While you are one of my oldest and dearest friends, I have started finally to build a social scene here with other people who I can relate to. This is not to disregard your feelings, rather, I am recalling when you came up in July and it was the weekend before my finals and you knew before hand that I was going to be busy and you made it clear to me that you were going to be able to have fun with others other than me, which I was happy for you to do. However, that turned out NOT to be the case and I felt guilty that I had to study and that took away from “you” time. I will not be put in that position because first and foremost, regardless of who I am friends with, my education comes first. I will not bend to the will of others because of this. Period. Yes, I take full responsibility for the pause on the “argument”, on the flip side however, I’ve sent you numerous emails to your home account to never even get an acknowledgement on them. Even though they were mainly tidbits of interest, not once did you acknowledge them. Even when I emailed you about Sarah’s new single, you didn’t even reply, which surprised me. Everything in quotes is from you. Anything quoted inside the quotes is something you quoted from me, to keep it simple on who said what.

“Ok.”it has everything to do with how you treat me.” I need you to elaborate if you can on that. I understand that you are saying that you have an issue with the way I am treating you.. but what way am I treating you.”

My biggest issue right here is how you seem to ask me for advice on anything and then you contradict me/get defensive when I tell you what I know. Let’s start with computers. You call/email/im me about a problem and I tell you what I think it is based on what you tell me. You find alternate information either from someone else or on the web that may contradict what I’m saying and you automatically take that person’s side. It’s fucking annoying and I’m sick of it. Like when the computer guy came to your house to fix your pc and you had me on IM on your other machine and you were relaying stuff back and forth. What the hell was the point of that? ANother instance is when you asked about that townhouse on 60th and Division and I told you that it was Clterville. I also told you that the area was white-trash central, loaded with modular homes, factories, low end trailer parks and the mental hospital was local. You got defensive and said that the advert said it was in Kentwood. You get defensive on everything I say when you ask me for advice on anything, I don’t even know why I bother anymore when you ask because almost all the time you automatically find fault with it.

“I have abandonment issues and this is how they manifest in nme.”

I can no longer believe to be this true with you anymore. You are now 30 and you use this every time you feel remotely threatened by anyone taking me or anything away from you. This has become your automatic response and you either need to get over it, see a shrink or do something because I no longer will take this an the answer as to why you are being cranky.

“Next.. I don’t know what you mean by that I act like martyr. I don’t really know what means and then how it applies to me.”

Your definition of a martyr was right, however, some people act like a martyr to be the center of attention. You do this occasionally. I’m proud of the things you’ve accomplished and how you have raised Marcus but anytime someone happens to you negatively, it’s always the other persons fault, mainly when you end a friendship with someone. It’s always tit-for-tat. If they cross you in anyway regardless sof how trivial it is (like not sending you a card for your birthday or whatever), that person is automatically on your shit list and that person is always at fault. This is how you are a martyr.

“You said that our definitions of friendship are different and that it pains you. I would like to understand how they differ.”

Your definition of friendship was right on and I agree with that, but see my answer above. You do tit-for-tat with your friends and that really REALLY bothers me. It has me walking on a tight rope and I feel like if I do live up to your standards, you’re going to diss me. Regardless for how long we have known each other. I dislike feeling that way. Also, you seem to always have to be /in/ control of the relationship as well. Yes, I know your automatic response is that you have “control” issues, fine, so do i but I at least cut people slack and you don’t do that with me or with anyone in your life that I see. If things don’t go your way, you get into a tizzy with it.

“Ostracized,huh? You feel banished and excluded? I am thinking that I can’t be thinking about this the right way… How in the fuck have I made you feel ostracized? I have come to see you 4 times this year alone. I talk to you all the time and email/im you almost everyday. What am I missing from the picture?”

This is not about you coming to see me, this is about when you and Jeff get together, you two think it’s great fun to make fun of me, from everything from who I sleep with, to my lifestyle choices or you two bring up shit from when we were kids that you seem to think is effing hilarious. Well, I’ve told him and I have told you in the past, I don’t find it funny. I was suicidal throughout highschool and had a fucking hard time coming to grips with myself until my middle twenties. I dislike being teased in a hurtful manner, and while you two may not think it’s “hurtful,” I do. Yah, some stuff is humorous but it just seems that when you are with Jeff or with Danny or whatever, that I am the one who always ALWAYS gets picked on. That’s how I feel oscertized. Also, when you get together with Danny (when he has been around) and/or with Jeff, you always take their side if I’m having an argument with one of them. I’m always made out to be an irrational/crazy/take your pick on how I feel about X subject. I’m tired of it. I’ve told Danny, I’ve told Jeff and now I’m telling you.

“You refusing to pay rent unless I kicked Boobie out of the apartment that you no longer lived in. It was my life and it was my life lesson that I had to learn, but you felt you needed to interject your “pressure” so that the situation would be solved in the way you wanted to solve it.”

I thought we agreed never to bring this up again?

“Lastly, I am so confused on the computer issues paragraph of your email. When did you give me computer advise that I did not take?”

Yes, this was partly in response to when the tech guy came over, but there has been many times when I have told you about XYZ (nothing coming to head here) and you take it with a grain of salt, like you think I’m right, but you’re not sure kind of thing. I don’t MIND helping people with computer help, really, I don’t. I spend a lot of time helping out Jeff and Jeremy, but with them they just accept what I say or they don’t. You are not like that, you are almost argumentative on everything. Not quite, but it feels that way.
From another email:

“I don’t know why you are making this seem like I am by myself on this because you do the same thing. You emailed Miguel and Alan.. and maybe others.. so why the inquisition on understanding why I am doing it?”

The difference s that you are almost too naive when you go looking for people, it is as if you are trying to recreate the past instead of moving forward. Oh, I will admit at times I’m guilty as anyone on doing this as well, but with you it’s almost like an obsession. I admit that yah, it was cool emailing alan and Miguel, but I didn’t expect to hear back from them. It’s like you don’t think about what you are doing when you do this. It’s like you totally expect them to remain the same as they were when you left them and people are dynamic beings, we are not static. You want everything to be what it was in 1987, and it can’t be like that. When you found Mike Knuckles again, that was cool and all, but I had no real desire on seeing him again. I wish him well etc ad nauseam and there are no hard feelings but I have no desire to see/interact with him again as we were never that close and you seemed really REALLY put out that I didn’t want to hang out with him. Same thing with Love, until I made it clear that I wished her no ill will, rather, I had no interest in seeing her. Like with Josh, and with that I was disappointed because I HAD been so close to him up until I moved from GR in 1997. But things change. Right now I’m going through a period of my life where I’m weeding out people who are not being positive for me and not allowing me to grow. Danny got the boot around the same time this argument started and Jeff had his talking to. I DO love you and I think of you as my sister but I really think that there has to be some major changes in our relationship, that while you can always depend on me being there for you and being there for you for the ups/downs, I’m not always going to be local to you. That I will have many other interests and friendships other than with you. That I will always be evolving, and if you can’t see or even contemplate any of this well.. then, I don’t know what else to tell you. Lastly, I dislike your passive aggressive behavior. One minute you are cool with the pause because of life intervening on the other hand, you are telling me that if I don’t respond in a “respectable time period” that you are cutting off our friendship. I understand you have every right to want closure to this and I agree with that, but your choice of wording put me off and I was even MORE hesitant on emailing you to finish this off. I’m not a puppet at your strings and this is EXACTLy what I mean when I say you have control issues you REALLY need to work on.
lisa

half a world away

I’m in love with one of my classes, Advanced Composition, because the professor is NOT a hard ass. This is not to say the professor is not difficult, she is, but she also gives us a lot of freedom for the subjects we write on and they can be personal, which rocks. There is something about dry academia that turns me off and since she’s pretty liberal about what topics we can write on, it’s great for me in terms of writing growth.
An assignment given to us recently was in response to an essay we read by Adrienne Rich called “When We Dead Awaken: Writing as Re-Vision” and our response to that in terms of how we have grown much in the same way that Rich has.
For my topic, I picked my mothers attempted suicide, which you know is always a big hit at parties. The essay will be a discourse on societal views and the ‘hush hush’ topic when I mention — which is always matter-of-factly and people cringe! Cringe I tell you because it’s a ‘secret’, don’t air your dirty laundry in public, blah blah blah.
Writing about it tonight is a catharsis, because it seems appropriate after being on the phone with one of my aunts for nearly two hours and I had this strong urge to call my mother and tell her I love her. When I got her on the phone, she was in a hurry to get me off because she was going to go play poker with her cronies.
My how the world has changed in a little over two years.

Lisa is a badddddd girl aka The Bad Ass Girl in French Class

Lately I’ve been feeling very centered and within myself, and no longer feel like the intimidated person I feel when I’m in new social scenes. My trip to the bar a few weeks ago was proof of that as well as being more assertive in the classes I’m taking (ie: If I have a point to make, I’m going to make it, not sit and be mute). I’ve also been been very open about my opinions lately and it’s been funny because the more I speak the more I’m finding I’m getting along with people better. This is not pertinent to LJ per se, but it has been instrumental in day to day relations. I love it.
One of the girls in my french class and I have started hanging out together and she’s just so — RAD. And she’s only 19 but she’s a lot like me and what was funny was that as were walking to our cars after class today to go to Denny’s to study for french and we ran into her roommate and she introduced me as the ‘badass chick in her french class”, which I was honored by. Anyways we had a great time at Denny’s and my brother stopped by and worked on his homework as well (he left work early as he was feeling sick — yet manages to put away a huge ass burger). The really funny thing was in class when she said something to me comparing me to another guy in our ‘group’ and I said (rather loudly) – “Oh, I dunno, if Roland has 38DD breasts, I’d be suprised” and she starts laughing, Roland laughs and this 18yo in front of us turned beet red.
It was great.
Then we had to do a relay and I was captain of our team. He put our captain names on the board and w ehad to race up to to the board (1x a time, six people on each team) and conjurgate our fucking verbs and the Professor would say “excellente lisa!” and i wouldn’t hear the excellente and pause thinking i had congurgated incorrectly. hah. We came in last, but we were demanding a come back. My group cracks me up. While we all want to bash ms.know-it-alls head in, it’s still great fun.
After we had left Denny’s, I went to the tattoo shop to drop off the photos from our night out drinking and Pip was working. Pip is the british guy who has been working there for months and come to find out we are both going into the same ideals for graduate work so we always talk about — well everything. He’s got these amazing blue eyes. ANYWAYS, so I was leaning over the counter as he was in the back office and we were shooting the shit blah blah blah and since it was near closing he said “C’mon on back, I don’t bite.” My response was “Too bad, I like it when they struggle.” Good times man, good times 🙂 He’s also the same guy who was eyeing my breasts when I came back to the shop after changing to out.
He’s lost his british accent after living in the US for over a decade, and i kept telling him if he can score more women if he pulls it back up. 🙂 Not that I’m suggesting anything mind you. We were chatting outside and he’s loaning me some stuff for entrence work into grad schools in the UK. He’s applying to Oxford. I asked if he would get in, and like me on applying to Harvard, he said “Slim to none chance, but it would be a great rejection letter.”
We have a lot of the same schools in mind along with the same goals (finish undergrad, get masters, get phd). I like talking ot him, he’s cool.
Bad things? He’s 22 and is short. Isn’t that always the case? 🙂
Oh and he has a gf, and we were talking about the whole on-off again and I talked about Danny (whom he knows) and I told him that was so off, since he’s seeing me coming into the shop by myself more often now.
Who knows, sometimes it’s just fun to speculate. As always, nothing will happen.

kill slit tingle’s throat

Anyone who games on gamecube and/or played Zelda:windwaker w/ the gba will know my pain. Tingle is fucking useful but geez, he sends me messages like “T-I-N-G-L-E LOVES YOU!”. It is, annoying.
I’m in a pissy mood and it’s not because of Zelda (rather, Zelda is helping me relax). First off my back hurts and I’ve been to the chiro already today and my back went crunch all the way down but he can’t see why it’s aching (especially in the middle of the spine) because he doesn’t feel anything wrong or see anything wrong with my adjustment. Monday I’m going to the massage therapist (named steve) who for 30/hr is gonna make me feel gooood. I hope.
Secondly, can I say I hate Aquinas again? OKay, I hate them again. I got my grade back from creative writing and got a B+. That doesn’t piss me off. What pisses me off is both semesters I averaged a 3.0 gpa yet my accumulative is LOWER than when I transferred in. I don’t get it. I called school, and left a very detailed vm. I’m terribly concerned because this upcoming year I have to have an accumalitive of a 3.2 to get to grad school. Hello. Stress.
Second, the insurance company. Called them today after picking up my laptop and pc to find out what to do next. Woman on the phone tells me not to fax anything in (er?) and then asks about the cost of the PC and the laptop retail (which I’ve told them many times over and over). I tell her that the pc was hand-built (which I’ve stated through this entire process) and that some pieces, like one of the cdrw’s we bought at 300 for the damn thing two years ago or more when they were super expensive. anyway, they tell me that they found a comparable machine at circuit city for 900. Eh? Apparently, my new machine is considered an ‘upgrade’ — they only do ‘comparable or like kind’ when insurance does replacement. Well, first off, they no longer make my machine anymore or the parts! So yes, it will be an upgrade. I kept telling them, look, I put this together myself, what part of that don’t you understand? As for the laptop, they need to find something ‘comparable’ to that. They said “we will only pay what we owe you”. I was like fine I’m not arguing with you, here are my receipts through my semi-working fax. Apparently they will add up everything together, deduct the 500 and cut me a check. Oh joyous day.I got frustrated because the second time I called, the woman kept insisting on various things I was never told. “Well it’s in the notes!!” “Doesn’t mean she told me.” “SHe spoke to you at 3:01pm.” “No, she did not. I was at the doctors office.” What in fucking hell is your problem!!

grrump

GVSU has my file still on, well file and I can go in the spring if I want. I also have to swap out my financial aid, which isn’t that big of issue. They took my brothers 72 credits from his old Uni so I should have 76 after the fall if I go to the GVSU in the spring. The cost is HALF of what Aquinas is and it’s not the money issue but the SHEER lack of BS of hoops I’ve had to jump through at this piece of shit college. This would mean my brother and I would be attending the same college and he is probably one semester ahead of me in graduation. heh.
grrump.
Maintance called and apparently the guy had the same problem at another location so they are researching this. No one else has filed a claim (not even the guy upstairs whom I went banging on his door earlier to tell him I had — bastard). I just can’t even begin to comprehend this bs. ugh.

fuck shit goddamnit

i hate aquinas.
That passion is now growing.
I fought for three months to get my Philosophy 101 grade because the fucking stupid professor hadn’t submitted it yet. SHe finally submitted it and I got the grade.
B-
The probem here, is that One paper is was an A and the other paper was a B, so with the final two papers how the FUCK did i end up with a B- average? I could not have DONE that poorly. You know, maybe I should go talk to gvsu because when I applied to them last year (and got accepted) they had everything on line for my degree ALONG with what classes would be good for me etc in my acceptance letter. Fuck I hate aquinas.

update on re: don’t shut me out

HGFH hasn’t emailed me and that suprised me. I think my email to her was a suprise and it’s not that I’m going to diss her, rather, I’m going to make very clear that it’s my way or the high way. No more whipping girl, more excuses, nothing. Speaking of which, I haven’t heard from Danny either and not that I expect to as he’s a big ass pussy, but hey.
UPS dropped off the dsl mo-dumb (which SBC told me would come via USPS and in five business days, it’s barely been two business days) grrr, answered the door with soap in my hair and a bathrobe. Finished my shower and went to work seeing if this modumb worked or not. Found out that they had mislabled some cables (like a plainly very clear telephone cable they have ‘cat 5′ sprinkled all over it’) and finally got it working. yay. the pcmcia slot in my laptop is not fried as I had very very sorta thought so no more sitting here making faces while on dialup. Even checking mail was a bitch in part thanks to IMAP on three servers was slowwwwwwww
Aquinas emailed me to finally tell me my PH101 grade posted from LAST SPRING. My argument had been that without this grade, I’d be short 3 credits for being a junior and thusly still be sophmore standing which in turn fucks up my funding because the money is based on junior status. This has been my main argument for the last three months. The academic advisor emails me that I’m STILL short 3cr from being a junior due to a class I took in the spring and then dropped. I emailed her back and said “um, no. According to aquinas I transferred 36cr, took 15 and passed 12 in the spring and 12 in the summer, of which all 24 i passed. I also notated that one of my classes just ended this past saturday so that class hasn’t postred yet either. Fucking jesus christ, is this really difficult to keep track of? Apparently so!
My brother laughed last night because i’m literally now a semester behind him in college credits. He’ll be graduating in Winter 04 while I’ll be graduating Spring 05. bwhahahaha. How funny is that?