on arthritis

I’m gonna drop a little back history for those of you in the know:
In 1994, I slipped and fell on my parents driveway, giving myself a dislocation and a double fracture. I ended up with 12 pins and a plate inserted. Since then, I’ve had fairly minor trouble, and it wasn’t until last year when Kethryvis came to visit and I could barely walk half way while she was here because the swelling and the pain was so terrible that i had to keep my leg elevated for most of her trip. Off to the docs i went to find that the ankle itself was fine and dandy, but what I had was Osteopathic Arthritis and well that’s when hell kicked in.
It was like when you find out something, it intensifies. My hands (I’ve sliced off my left pinky, sliced open my right palm), my knees (busted both open).

funny thing happened on the way to the forum

i was talking to boy-who-lives-over-seas a few weeks ago and i quipped
“oh now, what happens if i ever get a boyfriend?”
“why?”
“because I sleep crosswise on the bed, face planted in the pillows with two pugs who snore and are protective about sleeping with me. Where is he going to sleep?”
pause
“fuck it, he can sleep on the couch.”
hilarity ensues!
anyways, got permission from kethryvis about asking boy-who-lives-over-seas to the KEFFYLISACON03 in vegas, and made her promise not to smack me for asking. Anyways, as the world knows, he’s starting dating someone and I’ve been keeping hella distance. Have to or else obsess about it and that is the LAST thing I need. Told him not to answer unless he had a real good raeson not to come (ie: clingy gf, no money, war). ANything else would be trivial and I would taunt him with pictures of me and hot strippers 😀
He has a fear of flying. He probably WONT show but as the good book, if you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen!

non-sequitor trivia

Something not related and yet interesting:
Mike went to highschool with two of my exes : the infamous Danny and someone else I dated breifly named Greg. Mike was the bad boy rebel, Greg was the prep and Danny was the freak-o-matic nerd. Greg and Danny have both commented on each other as in “what the hell did you see in him” and both commented on Mike as in “What the HELL were you thinking?”. Hey, they were all sexy in their own way.
Just intersting that they knew each other and yet I dated Greg and Mike as we were ending HS and Danny years later.
ANd you all thought I was kidding about the lisa-exboyfriend support club starting 😉
—
Dear Lisa,
MIke is not going to knock on your door, and especially NOT at 3am in the morning. Please stop fussing with your hair and checking to see if you have shaved your legs (you did). Please get your arse into bed and REGULATE you sexy beast you.
Thanks,
self.

It’s all for you baby.

I’m done killing kethryvis I think, I’ve been serenading her with Tommy Page lyrics for a while now and she says she has to go brush her teeth from the sweetness. hah.
So, before I go to bed, I just wanted to jot this down.
I mentioned about finding someone recently and getting in touch with them. I’m good at that, you know, finding people. His name was Mike. (hence he started the trend where I state all men named michael have broken my heart — except dear humandays, cos I lurve him).
I’m very punch drunk.
As I was saying, I met Mike when I was 17. He’s like in the top three guys that have been hugely influenced on me. First off, he pursued me. LIke relentlessly. Like intensely. Our relationship spanned on and off for five years, I don’t think anyone has pursued me as much as he did, almost frighteningly and I was ms “Oh, no, I’m not getting involved” with him kind of thing. Which of course caused him to pursue me even harder. But he stuck by me for a lot of things and well, there were some times I treated him pretty badly. It was fucked all around.
Things were heavily complicated. Especially when you are 17, 18 and 19, ane especially 20, 21.
So the crux is:
Mike’s family was/is pretty influential in the area and he ended up leaving and going to Guam, and shit changed drastically between us. He wanted me to come out and we were going to get married and all these big huge dreams when you are 18, 19, 20 years old. Then one night he calls me and he tells me he had been with someone. An older woman. And he was drunk. I was floored. You know how it is when you finally work your trust down and you finally say “Okay, yah, I want to trust this person” and they hurt you and you kick yourself in the ass about it. Well it was like that. and he had the gall to say “I did it all for you baby.” Jesus, I can still see the image of the scene when he told me on the phone and my facial expression in the window pane.
Shortly after that, I ended up dating Alan, which lead to another interesting period in my life. which is neither here nor there. And Mike flew back from Guam and he walked into the store I was working at out of the blue, with two plane tickets to go back to Guam, and one of them was for me. And here I am 20 years old and what the fuck am I supposed to say that ? I said no. I was with Alan, he was THE ONE. hah. Boy was I wrong. But I was young and god, things were just intense. And the look in those big green eyes of his when I said no and when he left. I cried, convinced i had made the right decision.
My relationship with him was like that, on/off, for a long time. I guess in a way I’ve been disappointed that he’s never come looking for me? Maybe I fancied myself as being HIS ONE and therefore thought he would try to save me (from whatever — probably myself) Mike did a lot of actions that I always based future boyfriends on. You know, if XXX loved me he would pursue me the way Mike did. Whatever, the point being that there is a lot of unfinished business between us.
So I’m browsing around on classmates.com and I’m thinking “oh i wonder if xxx” is on there and I narrow the search to all students who are there from 1987-1992 or something silly and his name shows up on second or third page. I just kind of sat there and looked at it and looked at it again. I sorta half laughed, half cried. A few years ago when I was home when my mom was sick, Josh said he stopped by and asked about me. Wanted to get in touch with me. Josh hadn’t spoken to me since I had left for SF and no one knew how to get in touch with me.
So sent him, Mike, and email message, no word back.
I have not spoken to him since 1994? 1995? I still remember his smell, Joop! cologne for men. heh. He had the biggest green eyes. Great voice. Chubby in all the right places.
We were so fucking innocent, it’s almost painful to think about.
I do not romantically hold ideals he’ll come and rescue me, because i know that won’t happen, But I do know I’ll see him again and then we can finally get closure to this whole mess. I just hope he’s happy. I also know I’ll see him when I least expect it.
our song is below: shut up.
Get your lighters out and start swaying

Yes, there is a reason why guests smell after three days

I’m so bloody tired, the mere thought of doing homework makes me want to puke. But with a paper (well, an essay) due tomorrow, a test tomorrow, two big papers due next week and my poli sci midterm also next week, i have to get cracking. I’m not sure how I’m doing it, but I’ve been channeling kethryvis, so fingers crossed it’s all good.
So, I’ve discovered just how much I love my personal space.
Like if space were a man, i’d marry it. Call it george, pet it, etc.
You don’t come over to someones house and bitch about well, everything. If I tell you something such as do not leave my bathroom trash can on the floor as one of my dogs will get into it and smear bloody tampons all around the house, please do what I ask. But no, that was apparently too bloody fucking difficult. Also, if i ask you if you want something from the store, because you’ve known me for a zillion years and you know I drink non-fat milk and eat lowfat/healthy foods, don’t complain when i ASK YOU WHAT YOU WANT FOR DINNER AND YOU AGREE TO WHAT I PROPOSE, STOP BITCHING THAT WHILE IT IS GOOD, XYZ IS WRONG WITH IT. The list went on and goes on.
And it wasn’t just my guest, it was my brother too. My god, my teeth are on edge I’m so pissed off. Yes, I do understand I do not have a job, but I DO work a lot getting these good grades, they do not come easily even if they are level 100 and 200 classes. And you know what else, stop picking on me. Stop making fun of my choices of reading material, music selections, food selections, and DVD selections. the fact that I have faster bandwidth and computer than you do. Stop getting pissed off if you ask me a question that has relation to the Internet and I do not know the answer. Or the fact that my apartment is nicer than yours, that my car actually does not need to be jumped in the morning and that I have enough gadgets support a third world nation. Just because I have something, say OH A TiVo, and I TiVo something for you, this does not mean you can come over when you want, eat my food, and expect to hang out here all afternoon. And stop bringing your fucking dog over here and calling my dogs bitch dogs. Yes, they are 18lbs a piece, but you know, this is THEIR home, and I don’t need your wild beast fucking with them in THEIR home.
I’ve fucking had it with people taking advantage of my generosity. Jesus christ on a fucking pogo stick.
Lets see what else:
Well fuck you to my mother, who, while doesn’t have a job and can’t seem to comprehend that while volunteering might just go against her at her review for SSI, is paying one of my aunts MONEY to clean her apartment. You don’t have a job. The woman is 59yo, let her get money somewhere else.
Fuck you to Paul for calling me up and blaming me for all his problems as to why all the people in NoVa (who, apparently and btw hate my guts) no longer speak to him and everyone is so ‘boring’ and ‘old farts’. Or something.
Fuck you to the ex Danny who states and I quote “I put my life on hold for you”, which I nearly laughed myself out of my chair, really, because you can’t get any funnier than that. And yet who seems to think that since I’m back that I’m now just a “Yahoo IM Booty Call” away. ahaha. Sure buddy. What the fuck ever. Hell would freeze over.
What else, oh well fuck you to boy-who-lives-across-the-sea. It seems, he likes a girl, which is fine. They went out on Valentines day, which is also fine. What is not fine is that we had this huge discussion about the probability that if one of us started dating that we would try and maintain our friendship, and now he’s back to ignoring me, again. Right. Who the hell was I fooling? Myself apparently (plus that super secret dream that i had feverently wished you were going to drop to one knee and declare your love to me was just that, a dream. hahaha. boy i’m so rich i kill myself). And we just had this fucking big discussion three months ago and you know, the whole point of being friends is that it IS a two-way street.
and fuck you too to the internet. Recently found someone I’ve been looking for for nearly four years now and now I’ve realised maybe sometimes it’s better to just leave things as they are — in the past where they belong.

BAH!

in a mood

oh, i’m in a MOOD.
FIrst, I am walking to class this morning and i keep hearing this “clopping” noise when I walk and I can’t figure out what the hell it is. So I happen to pick up my right foot and see that the rubber bottom of my boot has fallen off — somewhere and hence what i’m hearing is the echoing from inside the heel! Wonderful! Just peachy.
Second! on the way home, I encounter a crazy ass semi-driver who nearly ran me off the road. I was travelling on 131 which is a highway that runs N/S and we were coming off the S-curve (which is ironicaly, apparently, one of the worse curves in the midwest or something assinine) and I was in the far left lane and he kept trying to get into my spot. I’m honking the horn and the jackass keeps drifting towards me. Now I own a tupperware car (saturn) but i’d like to at least you know, LIVE for awhile. Man, i was so fucking pissed that when i was able to finally pass him, i opened my window and flipped him the bird. GOD.
Good news is:
Zelda:Ocarina of Time for GC has shipped early!
I was able to find a pair of boots at payless.com that seemingly would fit AND get 25% off (hey, i’ve been looking for boots for months, and now that they are pushing summer season on us, like this is a miracle i could find a pair)
AND
eddiebauroutlet.com is having this fantastic sale where you get 30% off the lowest marked price. I just got two jackets (one was originally 90 and the other 70) for 35 and 14 bucks a piece! The one jacket I really really really wanted which was 180 bucks marked down to 35 i didn’t get. I’m still debating on it as we speak.
toddles off to class.

hubris

Not sure where it’s coming from but lately I’ve been feeling this need to be totally anti-social. As in, no communication of any sort to anyone anywhere. Not sure where the ideas are coming from, but they are coming fast and they are coming furious.
I recently wrote a letter of a sort of apology to someone recently. It was spurned on by a series of events I had not known that happened until later and yet I was being used as the measuring stick against said events. The letter had been planned in my head for awhile now (prior to the events) — and while i DO understand that this person and I would most likely never be friends again (and I AM fine with that), I just wanted to get off my chest regardless of the outcome because i still don’t understand how the decline began in the first place.
I bcc’d the letter to three people who were close to that person (and myself) and followed THAT up with a letter of explanation of why I wrote it in the first place. Bottom line, I offered the olive branch and whether or not that person takes it is fine, but I did at least try and that should matter for something. But of course I never heard from the person I emailed it to and of course I did not hear back from any of the three. You’re probably wondering, what did you expect to hear? Well, encouragement? Congratulations? Pat on the head? A stick to fetch? Not. A. Thing.
This isn’t the first time it’s happened either and I suspect it won’t be the last either and I suppose it will be my decision for the future.
When Paul and I broke up, initially back in October, no one really believed me and to be honest, I didn’t really expect them too. It was like I said shortly after that in a missive I had written, that I had to be nearly beaten to a pulp (which he THREATENED but did not DO) before anyone would think about coming to my rescue. Now I’ve let him, and moved 700 miles away. In the last year I’ve made tremendous changes in my life from quitting smoking, to quitting a dead-end job, to leaving an abusive relationship to moving back home to starting back in school and in that time period, of all these changes, of which have been positive, I’d thought I’d get a pat on the back. A congratulations. A job well done for making positive choices. Save for a few stragglers and my brother, there really hasn’t been any. Of the over 100 people on the mailing list and 50 odd freaks on my friends list at LJ and who ever reads my website, I only got less than 1/2 dozen emails from random people saying “Congrats!” “Good luck!’ “Best Wishes!” “Bon Voyage!”

25th Hour

I never claim to be a connoisseur of film. I just know what I like. Run Lola Run? Love it. Happenstance? Awsome. Sliding Doors? Great. (btw, i realise the last three movies have the same context, but that was a coinky dink). I’d like to think that I understand most major films and what the ‘point being’. That I can discern between a good film and a bad film. Like Showgirls. It is a great film — if you go into it knowing it’s what it’s about. Yes but it is terrible, but it’s so terrible it’s good! Like Evil Dead is so terrible that it’s good. So why the fuck do people keep saying if you don’t enjoy a film that ‘is deep’ this somehow makes you stupid? That you are better off watching Dude, Where’s My Car?.
Like Thin Red Line. It’s crap. I don’t care what anyone says about symbolism and foreshadowing, it’s crap. It was poorly edited, the script was choppy and I spent the whole 3 hours wishing I could watch paint dry. Gladiator is another one. Didn’t like it, didn’t get “it”. What the fuck was Robin Williams thinking about in One Hour Photo? I mean, fuck, Death to Smoochy was a MUCH better film (and had better imagery and symbolism etc). But yet OHP got better ratings than DTS, and DTS apparently was a “bomb” (at least according to Premier Magazine).
What does this have to do with the price of tea in China?
Well, tonight Chris, one of Jeff’s roommates, suggested that we go see 25th Hour. Of course the boys wouldn’t DREAM of seeing a chick flick with me (though Jeff did want to go see Gangs of New York with me, but there were no more showings), even though Jeff claims that by hanging out with me his chances of picking up women double because women assume that if one girl wants someone that they will want them too and also apparently that because i’m his sister and deem him cool enough to hang out with, this makes him a better person. Right. Follow? So anyway, Chris gives the synopsis and I’m thinking he’s talking about Life of David Gale by his synopsis and I did want to see this and it has Kate Winslet in it (mmmmmm).
Haha. I was wrong. Oh. So. Wrong.
What the fuck is up with Spike Lee? I mean, what the fuck. The context of the movie seemed plausible but oh jesus, WHY DOES HE ALWAYS GOTTA DIG at everything racial. There is this half moment where Edward Norton (mmmm Edward Norton) is in the bathroom and his image is just ragging on every race left and right. Like out of no where. And ALL THE GRATUITOUS showing of post-9/11 bullshit. Yah, move on okay. MOVE THE FUCK ON. Yah it was terrible and it was awful and people died but people DIE EVERYDAY and it may not be violent or filled with anger or rage or hate but they still do die. Where are their memorials? I mean, fuck. C’mon on now. Where the fuck is your patriotism?
Okay, I’m going left of center here — the thing with Lee is that he takes the ideas of his past films and he reinvents them for a newer generation. This was like watching Jungle Fever and Do the Right Thing mixed together with the imagery of post-9/11 thrown in. The thing that killed me is that it had a GREAT cast: Edward Norton, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, and Anna Paquin playing a tart. Major props for Norton going from neo-nazi to a angry white ikea boy to a clown to a drug dealer in NYC. There were a lot of unnecessary moments in the film that for continuity could have been left out and there seemed to be mix messages, like Lee had this one idea and then scooted over to another idea and just kept doing this back and forth. The movie is crap. There was maybe one or two good scenes in the 2.5 hour flick.
Don’t believe the hype. Lee has made some stinkers (like Girl 6). Just because Lee directed it doesn’t mean it’s good and trust me, it IS okay to dislike a movie that everyone hypes up, it doesn’t make you any less stupid or less of an intellectual.
Save your money and see something else. ANYTHING else.

into a ravine

Paul and the whole fucking lot in NOVA can go fling themselves into a ravine.
This he/she said bullshit is for the birds.

Tale of three men

a: boy-who-lives-overseas: I never finished the story I started here. It was — bizarre to put it mildly. We got out a lot of how we felt and he flip-flopped from how “I don’t have time to deal with this” to “Why aren’t you telling me what’s going on!” I said “You can’t have your cake and eat it too you know!” So we talked and he understood where I was coming from and I was actually pretty impressed that he wanted to discuss it — he kept reiterating that he couldn’t expose his soul like I exposed mine and I retorted it wasn’t about exposing ones soul — it was about you know how friendship is two way street. I wasn’t going to take this one way giving any more — screw that. But the friendship feels real — it doesn’t feel like it’s just online based. Bizarre I know. REM is doing a world tour and they are hitting Belgium this June — shortly after my 31st birthday. He asked me to go — if my passports get their act together. This wouldn’t be completely out of the questions — flights from Chicago-Brussels are running 250 RT (and hopefully my fat ass will be a much smaller version for me to sit in couch for 10 zillion hours). But the thing is 6 months ago I would have been packing my bag and saying “I’ll be there in a minute” , but now, I’m scared. Even platonically the idea of going to .be to meet him now does not excite me but scares me, tremendously. I feel like the proverbial dog who got kicked one too many times, and while the experience of going to .eu would be tremendous, I just don’t want to deal with the rejection, even if it is platonically.
b: boy-who-lives-near-me: the exfiancee. one of two, I guess, technically. HAS BEEN GETTING ON MY LAST NERVE. for several reasons (and yes this is soap opera from hell interlude): he lives with his Lisa-look-alike exgf. they are JUST ROOMATES (as he says). Yet, I can’t call over there. I can’t hang out with him without him punching a time clock (I have to be home before Karen is etc) and he is CONDESENDING. God, I never realized how stupid he thought I was. He came over when my stuff was delivered and he sat there being a dick about the damn dresser — about how I had to be careful because there were different woods — I told him I built Ikea dressers before, I can handle it, no biggie, I’ve done almost all the old furniture in my apartment back in DC (which was Ikea based). He kept reiterating about how difficult it was as I was pushing him out the door.Then he picked a fight with me in best buy. About cables. I knew what I had to buy but he kept insisting I get XYZ and he picked a fight with me about me getting a universal remote, because I wanted the 8 unit one and I only have four units that needed a remote so he kept saying “Why do you want the 8 unit one?” I mean for fuck sakes, if i want to spend the extra five bucks for the 8 unit one, it is MY MONEY. Picking a fight is too strong a word, how about kept insisting he was right even though I had told him specifically before we left what I needed and had shown him at my apartment? Right. And then he is the charmer, he IM’d me before I left for the class the other day and said “I thought I’d stop over and bang you before class.” Right. Aint that smooth. I’m just so, disgusted about how this has turned out. I had no intention of sleeping with him but I do/did think he was a close friend and this whole thing has made me feel just, ugh. I told him if he wanted a piece of this he’d have to work for it and he just assumed he would be working it THAT way — uh no , sorry. I realised I’m not even sexually attracted to him anymore — which is a good thing. I’m not even upset, just disappointed. And the kicker? He’s a father. Of a 7 year old. And has YET to tell his parents.
c:the-boy-who-was-the-crush: never happened. met him before i left DC and we wanted, desperately, to go out with each other. But I was living with Paul and even though Paul and I were officially split up, this wasn’t going to work. He came out from left field and sent me a dear lisa letter — even before we had a damn date. I said, apparently, a string of things to him that hit dead on. He emailed me this week. Apologizing. Apparently I was right about him and one of his girlfriends who I knew wanted to date him (i think elvenresistance knows exactly how this whole thing works) and he kept denying how they were just ‘friends’ and she didn’t feel that way (right.)– uh sure buddy. Anyways, that bombed. Big surprise. And apparently a few characteristics i had pinpointed on him were dead on. So I was right. I laughed and told boy-who-lives-overseas and he said “i’m not childish and immature” and i said “no, just pighearted and stubborn”. Glad things with the-boy-who-was-the-crush worked out — even in this way. While I’m still interested, I’ve realised a few things about HIS personality that would have driven me up the wall — like the whole grey area — i mean, i’m pretty much into black/white idealism. There are a few greys, sure, but overall, he’d require WAY TOO MUCH maintance and hand holding and that was something I’m not about to do.
I miss Paul. I miss his company because regardless of the fighting and the arguing and the bs, there were a few good things and I miss those good things. He’s scared shitless abotu the whole dating thing as well, which is kind of funny. But it’s only natural to miss someone after living with them for three years. It was definitely intense.
The end.