only you can save yourself

February 5, 2016:  No, you’re not seeing things — looks like I originally wrote this on 12/14/2015 and never posted it — hence the abrupt ending.

Dear Internet,
I’ve started seeing my local L-vill therapist a few weeks ago and it’s going pretty well — which is important when working with a therapist. A shitty one can fuck you up but good.
I can’t seem to shake the, “What the fuck have I done with my life?” mode which is, of course, pissing me off. Again the reiteration of, “it takes time” came from her lips just as it does from TheExHusband, Krazy Kate, and others. I just feel so stalled. Most days, demotivated. Other days, overly excited about the changes that are to come.
I used to not read my old entries as it was often painful to read the bad, even mixed along with the good, as I mainly fixate on the bad that I’ve written. Considering all the upheaval this last year has been (emotionally, mentally, even physically), I need to find those patterns to see where I am going, how I’m doing, and what kind of progress I’m making. Along with my therapist (and commentary from TheExHusband whose seen me at my worst and my best), the following is true:

  • I’m more mentally stable than I give myself credit for. TheExHusband was on the money when he remarked, “… in comparison to this time last year, hell even six months ago, how I handle things, coping with things, just doing LIFE is a 180 degree turn around.” And it’s hard to admit that I AM making progress because training your brain not to be an asshole is HARD WORK. So the good is:
    • I work out four to five times a week and have been keeping at it for the last five weeks.
    • I’ve continued with cutting my sugar and dairy intake down and between the exercise and eating better,
    • I’m losing 1-2lbs a week. (Down almost 10lbs.)
    • I’m getting up, dressed, working out, and having my day every day.
    • I’ve been taking care of the dog without nary a complaint or issue (Welll.. more on that in a bit.)
    • I’m starting and completing projects ranging from coding to knitting
    • I’m leaving the house on a daily basis, even if it’s just to run errands
    • I’ve had two fabulous job interviews in the last month which have turned into two fabulous second in-person job interviews.

Some of this seems trivial, even to me even though it’s not, as this is all ADULTING. The takeaway for me is I’ve been able to do these things for some time and I never give myself credit for it. It’s hard when you’ve spent most of you time beating yourself up because your brain is so broken. Or you think it’s broken. Or you’re just being an asshole to yourself.
My shrink, medicating shrink, and others keep remarking on the rarity of my coping skills. I see what’s going on (I’m having a panic attack), I put a coping mechanism into place (This is how I’m going to handle the panic attack), and I self-care when that thing is done (I’m going to meditate).
A month ago I said,

I, of course, sent myself into tizzy if I had to come out to CT for the second interview and should I contact TheBassist and OMGHERD. What would I do?! First, calm the fuck down Lisa and get through the Skype interview. If you have to come out to CT for the in-person interview, so what? It’s a job. You need money. You’ve wanted this position for a year (it’s a repost). The money, even with the higher cost of living, is fabulous. The area is lovely. You’re close to NYC and Boston. The social plans you’re putting in motion in KY can be applied to CT. You’re 43 years old, buck it up lady.


This day in Lisa-Universe: 2014, 2013, 2012, 1999, 1998