I’ve been up for the last few hours, having gone to bed early last night (on a Friday night, i know, I’m silly) preparing for tonight. We have invited nearly 30 people over to our “housewarming” party in which I can hope to get drunk, make mad passes at paul and then conk out sometime around 4am with a bottle of vodka in my hand.
the prep work for the party hasn’t been that hard. as usual, since we do not drink beer, i did specifically say that if you want to drink beer, to bring your own however that paul and i would be serving liquor to anyone who wants it. Brendan and Sam are driving down from joisy today to come see us (and meet me since brendan and paul used to live together) and I’ve invited most of the people we felt close to in the local area.
paul and i must both say we’ve been pretty disgruntled since coming to NoVa, while we’ve made some good friends, he has intoned on several occasions that the whole project of novageeks has failed. why? simply because we have over 50 people subscribed to the mailing list and it seems that the only time we ever do anything with any of the participants is when paul/I plan said outing. Whether it’s going to DC to see things, throw a party or going bowling, it’s seems that geeks will only do something if someone else initiates it.
Paul (and myself unfortunately) have gotten very frustrated with this as we’ve thrown dinners for major holidays (Easter and Thanksgiving), spent probably close to thousands on drink and food with nary a return or a thanks on the whole. which, you know, is very rude.
paul was pretty adamant that we were NOT going to throw a housewarming party. which is fine, but it had been so long since we’ve thrown any sort of party and it’s been so long since I’ve been TO a party, that i said fuck it, and decided to throw together one.
the irony is how many people are coming as compared to previously as well as to how many people are looking forward to it. Our apartment is more spacious now that we can have more people sitting comfortably (however, i had to intone several times about us having dogs and the simple fact that they shed. this however, did not seem to deter anyone from wanting to come) and having a good time.
x0x0x0x
lisa
Tag: ExFiance 2
for each other
my latest session with Dr. B. covered two main things — sex and food. Two of my obsessions, both of which currently have been pushed down into the void of my stomach. literally.
when i was younger (13/14/15), i was very very very insistent that i would not lose my virginity. my own curiosity about sex and the actual act lead me to believe that i would eventually become a nymphomaniac. I’m not kidding. as time went on, and i did eventually have sex, it was not under the best circumstances and it wasn’t until i was a tad bit older and had started dating Alan had i realized what making love was all about.
in the years that have followed, sex has become both the curse and the gift that i have carried [this is not meant to sound pompous — it just is]. i gave myself physically to everyone i slept with, thus making it seem like i was the best lay around, but on the other hand, i was emotionally absent and distant from my lovers and sometimes deriving no pleasure from the act or the foreplay or anything sexual that surrounded me.
there was a time when things such as mens magazines (hard and soft core porn magazines, etc), toys, “erotic” movies and what not would lead me unto temptation with my current lover. i was aggressive, i was demanding and i started getting to the point where sex with my boyfriend usually had to be rough and with me usually NOT facing him in any position. i preferred doggy style or some other ‘humiliating’ position in order to even feel remotely turned on.
as i started getting older and started becoming more aware of who i was, sex was the gift i gave and used to tantalize men while i withheld it on some levels from myself. in my whole entire life, i have only orgasmed less than 1/2 dozen times with a partner and there has only been one person whom i have been able to masturbate me and orgasming with them masturbating me.
exotic and erotic love making has always been my forte. i saw nothing (and still do not) with being a bit rough.
‘rough sex’ is one of the reasons why paul and i got along so well when we first started dating — and it remains one of things we giggle about into the night. but after the first six months of mad passionate monkey love — it came to an almost abrupt stop.
in a lot of ways, it coincided with the death of my father and as the summer of 2000 wore on and the anxiety became worse — the last thing i wanted to think or feel or do was have sex.
within my discussion with Dr B, we talked about how food and men and sex and everything else always wraps up to some of the same ideas — ie, about how i eat to be fat because i don’t want men to be with me, how i hate the way i look because I’m fat and how i don’t feel sexy enough because I’m fat and so on and so on, with the same circular argument happening … and it’s been going on for years.
Dr. B. suggested that paul and i read For Each Other, a book that helps explore sexual intimacy between couples. She also suggested that I read the companion book for females For Yourselfwhich explores sexual intimacy within yourself. I bought For Each Other and started reading it in the tub, skipping over all the main stuff thinking “hell, this doesn’t apply to me” — and paul came up to me and said “You do that all the time. You get something and you start in the middle thinking it doesn’t apply to you when it DOES apply to you” — which is true. It’s like anything I do, I start in the middle, thinking it doesn’t apply to me — when it does in fact apply to me and I don’t want to admit it.
Paul and I settled down that night and started reading and started practicing the exercises in the book.
I’ll let you know how it works out.
x0x0x0x
lisa
new digs!
if paul and i extol the virtues of our apartment any longer, someone would think we were being paid to do so.
the big move day was 3.15.01, where we both woke up at 5:30, to drop the dogs off at the new apartment (so they wouldn’t drive the movers nuts whilst loading and unloading) and to drop paul off at work. That’s right, you heard me correctly. That mother fucker had a very important meeting the day that we moved and I ended up directing traffic for it all day. Which, ironically, wasn’t as bad as I make it out to be. With my dominate nature and how much of a control freak I am, paul would have just been in the way. Regardless, the fact he had to work is enough for me to extract punishment from him. 🙂 Just kidding. Really. I am just kidding. Maybe.
The move really went off without a hitch, really. We had packed most of the house the previous days and basically all I had to pack was the kitchen and the bathroom. The movers carted all 30+ boxes (half of them books…) down three flights and were not looking happy to realise that they had to cart all 30+ boxes back up four flights (including what scant furniture we have). The movers were at the old place at 9:55am and were gone from the new place at 3:00pm. By the time paul got home, I had started unpacking most of our stuff (leaving the computer/office room and the kitchen for him) and I was lying on one of the futons watching teevee trying to keep my eyes open.
here is the floor plan to our apartment. nearly 1400sq feet and in person, the apartment is HUGE. You might be wondering why we needed a three bedroom? Good question — typical couples get one maybe two bedrooms. However, since paul’s sister was planning on living with us before we got this apartment, we had to find one that handled large dogs (she has a 50lb boxer) — and this place was perfect. Like Penderbrook, I did all the leasing information over the phone before I even saw the place — we were getting desperate looking for apartments that handled large animals and had the space we needed. When paul’s sister “changed her mind” (ie: flaked on us), we took the apartment any ways, with the option of having a guest bedroom/sitting room for me.
I took Wednesday till today off to deal with the move and get the dogs in order. Every night paul and I have been taking baths together in the “garden tubs” and we are both amazed our fat asses can fit into one 😉 I’ve been walking around on the ubersoft carpet in this daze that I can’t believe this is *my* apartment and *I* live here. With the furniture (or what little we have) spread out, I can see several buying trips to Ikea coming up in the near future. The bedroom is “technically” smaller than the one at Penderbrook, however, once we got the bed and dresser moved in, we noticed there is enough room for another dresser against one of the walls if we choose, a teevee stand and a chair/love seat. We are figuring Penderbrook shortchanged the rooms somehow because with the same bed, dresser, teevee stand we have now, we could not have fit the additional pieces of furniture in there AND have room left over. The walk-in closet is large enough to fit a twin size bed in there and the bathrooms are wonderful. The kitchen is large enough that we can have both the dishwasher door and the oven door pulled down without hitting each other. The dogs have plenty of space to roam and play and everything is just wonderful all around.
Don’t I sound like a goddamn advertisement for this company?
But it’s true (it’s true!).
There have been a few problems since we moved in here, nothing that couldn’t be fixed and for the most part, OakWood has been very gracious about getting some of the items attended to. I found out from one of the maintenance guys that our apartment was never on the “daily clean list” the day before we moved in — which is funny since they knew we were moving in a month ahead of time. But they are fixing everything in a more timely manner and there is people on staff 24/7. Hell, I’ve been so motivated by the move and just starting to realise how a new apartment makes one feel better, I’ve been thinking about starting to work out again. But as always, I let the thought keep wandering.
Sometime between Thursday and Friday, I pulled a muscle in my back and i was calling (in pain) to our chiropractor to have him put me back in shape. As Friday wore on, the pain got worse where I couldn’t even get in/out of my car without difficulty. When I got home from running errands Friday afternoon, paul attempted to “put me in my place” which resulted in me screaming like a little girly-man cos it hurt so goddamn bad. I couldn’t move to my right or bend to my left without screaming bloody murder. But, on Saturday morning when I woke up, I realized the pain was gone with no trace or after shocks, if you will. It was, very odd.
One of the great things about moving (even though there are just a few it seems) is how much you discover about yourself and how much crap you find that you forgot you had. I found my partial collection to strangers in paradise, the comic for the non-comic reader, that i had forgotten I had. I have not read any of the current books since issue 13 (and they are now up to issue 38 — shit) and sitting in the “sitting room” floor reading the comics made me realise how much I’ve missed Katchoo and Francine. I started digging around and found that amazon.com carries all the trade paperbacks for them up to the latest one and I’m thinking about subscribing to have SIP delivered directly to my door. If you haven’t read SIP, I would highly recommend you do so. NOW I SAY, NOW GO BUY IT. ahem.
I’ve also discovered I’m a bigger fan of Anne Rice novels than I care to admit. I have almost all of her work in paperback and hardcover and that alone frightens me. But she amuses me and I like being amused.
Speaking of books, TLC BookClub seems to have fallen to the wayside — it hasn’t helped that my own mind is on other matters.
I’ve also got to stop buying these books written by brits — akin to “Bridget Jones’ Diary”. I keep purchasing these books (without intention really) that tend to be all based in London and written from the female perspective and it’s always about these whiny bitches who have issues. or something. The horrid part is that since I’ve been rating my books on amazon.com, they’ve been suggesting other related authors. ARGH! It’s madness i tell you, madness.
I have more to say, but it’s 1am in the morning, I have to work tomorrow and geekbox is down so who knows when you’ll be getting this.
Go buy me something. My wish list is getting too goddamn long .
x0x0x0x
Lisa
$17K dollar tax mistake
i love tax time.
i don’t know if it is because i know i generally always get money back or if it is the simple fact of number crunching (finding out interest rates or new tax laws), but i always love it when it’s time to do taxes.
every year i start a new folder for my files for that years taxes and start waiting for the W2s to come trickling in. For me, the year 2000 was easy as I only had one employer, UUNet. For Paul, since he swapped out three separate jobs (fucking Plexmedia claimed he work for two weeks in the first week of January) and because he hit above 80k a year (thanks to signing bonuses and moving expenses expenditures), there was the probability that we could owe taxes at the end of the year.
so we were expecting to pay out some money.
when all was said and done and i had gone through the whole itemized deduction list, paul ended up “owing” 14K to the IRS.
i cried. i blamed Plexmedia and andover.net for fucking up his deductions. i panicked thinking that we would be so poor, it would be unreal for us to get back on our feet again. i called paul into the office and showed him what i came up with using TurboTax. Paul started hyperventilating while I started crying.
14 fucking thousand dollars.
I dumped that return and started doing it over again in TurboTax. I kept watching my fingers as I typed (something i never do) to make sure there were no mistakes. As I typed, I watched the upper right hand corner in TurboTax, waiting for that surprise of owing 14K to the IRS.
Turns out Paul gets back a 3k refund.
ahem.
Well, later on I thought it was funny.
Paul, however, did not.
god bless the interweb and the ability to file and receive refunds within two weeks.
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lisa
sadness you crave
before i start ranting and raving, you will notice (if you are paying attention) that i have now put the goddamn cam up again. i don’t know what possessed me to do it other than the usb can i had was pissing me off and i had to have a cam again so up went the old greyscale parallel port one. so you get noire lisa — and yes i really am that pale. you will also see the lisa-patented barrette in action. and yes, i do have a nose, but what do you expect from greyscale?
this will also be a very sad and depressing mea culpa type of piece. if you want to be depressed like me, go look at my list of mp3s that i have currently playing. You’ll be tragic in no time.
this entry will be loaded with irony up the ass. and i think if you only the reason why it’s ironic, you’ll get it. but if you don’t get it, then i can’t explain it to you.
hahaha. that’s just fucked up. but it’s true.
so i awoke this morning with a strange sense of depression. it was weird to me, at least, because when i awoke i was lying on my stomach and i could feel the depression embrace me like a bird flying overhead. in a sense it’s partly hard to describe, but i just felt it slowly come over me and i got up and called myself silly for being a dumbass. this wasn’t depression like “oh god i just want to go and die, my life is so tragic *backofhand to forehead*”, this was just like, i was sad. just very very sad.
so I’ll begin at the begin.
point a: I’m taken.
point b: I’m taken.
someone once said to me you “you are so very taken!”, and i guess being in serial monogamous relationships for the past 10 years can do that to a person. i used to bitch/moan that i never had a bf in my early 20s and now i can’t remember a time when I didn’t have a boyfriend within the last five years.
one of the aspects of having someone being your bitch is that, well, free sex. and the love and cuddling and all the other shit that comes with relationships, including the arguments and the make-up sex and shit.
so yah, then you can like be single and stuff. and being single can be cool cos you can date whom you want and do what you want and you do not have to answer to anyone but yourself and don’t have to worry about hurting someones feelings. but then there is that empty feeling of being alone and not having someone around when you need someone to talk to, and then you get older and suddenly your 30 and the only thing you’ve accomplished in your life is this black book and list of fuck buddies.
okay maybe that is a bit drastic, but you get my point.
[crank! my dream complete!]
i have musing lately how no one seems interested in me. i know i know, i have pauly and i shouldn’t worry about it, but the thing is, as a human, I WANT TO BE ADORED! i want to be worshipped from the ground level on up — but the thing is, I’m taken and i should be very happy that i have someone who adores me, but deep down i know it’s not enough.
i bitch to my friends that it’s always about how I’m treated as pauls other half and as one of the guys, I’m not treated like a person or even better yet, a female. to be honest, that hurts more than anything. i feel sometimes asexual and with no feelings because the only person who seems to appreciate me for being attractive to their eyes is my own bf.
Don’t start picking apart at my logic, cos it will gets you none :]
moving right along, i have guys i flirt with but there is always that very very safe assurance that nothing is every going to happen anywhere along the way. like my friends rob and moe. we flirt all the time and it basically means nothing because we’ve gone from that line of friends to brother and sister. sleeping with them would be like sleeping with your sibling, and i am not from Alabama, so lisa isn’t going there.
Saturday night Ivette and i got all dressed up to drive to Baltimore to see my friend mandyplay with his band at some rinky dinky bar in Fells Point (like 25 people would have been overcrowded for this joint — that’s how small it was). It was a hard won fight with paul to go out that night, mainly because of his age and his lack of driving skills, we haven’t done much of anything since we’ve been to VA — and I’m really hoping that will all change when he turns 21.
So Ivette and i dressed up in bar clothes, not knowing what kind of bar this was, and well, we were overdressed, however, since it was fun to dress up for something other than a special occasion, i didn’t care. Now, mandy pandy is a long standing friend of mine that i met via TLC (go figure — he’s a fan of my site and I’m a fan of his music — much ego stroking here) and we started talking on AOL IM back in the day and he was fun to flirt with, and we had swapped pictures of each other and spoke on the phone and the whole nine yards. I like Mandy because not only was he witty and got my bad jokes, he had the same music tastes as I do (everything Brit baby!). Since Mandy was also from Miami, I wanted him and Paul to meet because I wanted Mandy to fall into the Moe/Rob categories where I could flirt with them and have nothing be taken seriously. I wanted to do things with Mandy without Paul getting into that obessive/jealous category. I just wanted some freaking FRIENDS goddamnit, that were mine and not pauls and mine and not work related. And yah, it felt good to have someone think of me as being attractive.
Silly me to think that.
Being taken and all.
Ivette and I were hanging out at the bar, drinking and watching them warm up before playing and Mandy (as promised) played a few bars of “I wanna be adored” as promised, and I was happy sitting there drinking my sierra Nevada (i had four and was pretty tipsy). Mandy was busy with band stuff so Ivette and I talked about men and other shit, and then the Skydivers played.
Overall, for all the technical problems they had, the set wasn’t half bad — it was pretty good in fact. Mandy and co launched into a full rendition of “I want to be adored” by the stone roses (unrehearsed) and I was so happy I almost started crying (having missed the roses in concert and thusly anything live, even a cover, makes for one happy lisa). After playing the song, Mandy pointed to me and said something like “This one is for you baby!” Shortly after, they finished their hour plus long set, we all headed back into the, what would be called the “green room” and talked.
Something changed — whether it was me or the tension or atmosphere or the fact I kept drinking and chainsmoking, i don’t know what changed. My heart was aching because I had left my cellphone in my car and I knew paul was calling every 15 minutes but on the other hand i wanted to be adored and that is what I came to Baltimore to do.
I went from teasing Mandy to ignoring him and having more fun talking to his bandmates Rand and Mike. It was like I wanted to be adored by Mandy and on the other hand I had a boyfriend and I wasn’t willing to take things any farther than flirting because I valued my relationship too much. But Mandy was pretty much ignoring me and talking to Ivette and whether it was something i blew out of proportion or not, but on the way home I said to Ivette “he was hitting on you, wasn’t he?” and she said “Yes.” I slunked down in my seat and just stared out at the landscape of 95 on the way home to my fiance.
i started beating myself up inside for even thinking those thoughts. For the most part, Paul and I are really happy and I know Paul satiates everything I need, but my own thirst and trouble with being committal drives wedges in us which starts fights, which ends with me curled up in the bed just reading to make the thoughts go away. There are weeks/months that I want the whole happy nine yards with Paul and then i get in moods and I want to fuck shit up.
So i was in a mood to fuck shit up.
Ivette and I waited around like two groupies for them to finish loading mandy’s car. There were talks of grabbing food but by now it was going on 2am and home was over an hour away. If we left at that point, we would be home at 3:30am at the earliest and if we went for food, even later. Paul would be furious and I wasn’t sure how far I wanted to push the line at this point.
[hello frantic frauds of verse.]
Mike dropped us off at my car, in which it was required of Ivette to undo her boot to grab the car key. I jumped in the passenger side, since I had much to drink and drove to meet Mandy back in front of the bar.
When we pulled up in front of Mandy’s car, paul and i were arguing on the phone. He pissed me off so bad i started slamming my StarTec against the dashboard and Mandy just watched wide-eyed. He asked if we were going to go to breakfast with him, and I said no, his royal highness is demanding that I come home now. He said “fine. I’d like to take you two out to dinner some time. ” I said “Who, me and Ivette?” and he said “Yah.” I said “Um, why?” Mandy replied “for no reason, i just want to.” Mandy looked at me and said to call him anytime i needed him and told Ivette to call him too. With that, Ivette pulled a u-ie and we went home.
The car ride, which we were quiet and I was coming down from my drink induced buzz, was interesting. I felt stupid for thinking that getting adored was dumb by someone not your own boyfriend. I was no longer a high schooler looking for the man of her life, I was a 28 year old female preparing to get married to her fiance. I should be fucking happy and given any other person in this situation, they would be fucking happy too.
But I’m not and I don’t know why I suddenly felt sad today.
I of course, being me and all things that are me, woke up this morning with that sadness that just crawled over my skin. I got out of bed and fed Wednesday and thought about it some more. Ivette and I talked about it pretty intensely last night on the way home and she assured me I wasn’t being dumb for being angry and sad at the same time. It is a pretty human concept to want to be loved and adored by others around us. We all want to feel like we are the bomb shit yo.
Thoughts started drifting into my head about this pseudo rejection that had occurred (in my eyes). I hate being rejected by anything, especially men. It does not matter if I want them or not, if they reject me, it hurts my fragile psyche and then starts all the self-doubts that come sliding in (I’m too fat, I’m too aggressive, I’m too this I’m too that).
I hate this shit. It’s so 1986. GAH!
[which you feel is which you are, what you are is beautiful]
I won’t lie and say that a part of me hasn’t entertained the idea of starting something with Mandy if I were single. It has. That’s only human and for me it’s perfectly normal to do the whole “meetsomeoneandlivearelationshipwiththemin30seconds”. But, something always stopped me from even really going to that point. Maybe Paul’s threats of cutting my tits off has something to do with it. I’m not sure.
I know a lot of what I am/have been feeling goes back to that whole shit with Mike Norton back in 1999. When I *assumed* something and Mike rejected me on the play ground in Memphis. That time period takes us back to when Paul got his shit together and finally got the balls to admit he was in love with me, but that is neither here nor there.
I’ve attempted to bring this up with various therapists over the years and the words “responsibility”, “living in a dream world”, “act your age” seem to ring a few bells at this point and time. So they dope me up on 300mg of Effexor and tell me to live a happy and prosperous life.
I’m angry and I can’t explain why I’m angry. I’m sad and I’m pretty sure why I know I’m sad. I feel boxed in and can blame that on a 100 and one different things. Pauls bitching about freethinkers and I wish I had an answer because I know this is only going to keep going on and on.
Paul and I talked tonight and I postponed the wedding till 5/2002. He assured me that we can have the wedding whenever we want and he knows that he doesn’t want to mess with the little girl dreams. I wish I had answers, but only the thoughts of Danny telling me how non-committal I am and how I should just be happy. I’m being overrun by exboyfriends who keep seeing the same pattern and I of course, think I am fine.
not verbatim, but you’ll get the drift – “Why is it that every time something happens, you’ve got to throw up on your goddamn website?” – Jeff Z, another guy I had met via IRC and “assumed” that something was going to happen — got rejected when I was visiting him in Pennsylvania, Christmas 1997.
I’ve got a crack in my heart,
x0x0x0x
lisa
shining sky
i want to know about my obsession with England.
I want someone to tell me why English accents make me swoon, their music is always so much more appealing and except for them being anal retentive about sex, why their lifestyles seem so much better than living in America.
i don’t remember my obsession begriming but all i knew is that most of the music i started digging in the late 80’s came from the UK: Charlatans UK, Morrissey, The Smiths, The Cure, New Order, Stone Roses, Mission UK, The Pogues, SoHo, The Verve, Simple Minds, Neds Atomic Dustbin, Jesus and Mary Chain, Republica, Echo and the Bunnymen, The Church, Sisters of Mercy, Ruby, et al.
Everything I can find on britpop/dreampop which was fucking alternative before alternative was referring to sexual choice. When wearing black didn’t mean you were Goth but just, deep and pretentious. Where having black hair wasn’t a statement against the man but when it actually looked good on someone.
the closer i get to turning 30, the more reflective I’ve started becoming on my music and life going on. the other night, one of the girls i know off of IRC was having a drunken party at her apartment and was using her cam as the expression of said “art work”. i got angry at all the idiots on IRC who were drooling over her own stupidity. Then I got really angry at myself for realizing it wasn’t too long ago that i had flashed everyone via my webcam. like two years ago. okay it was last year.
paul and i got into an argument about aging and how it affects the both of us. and I’ve got to say, i need to stop thinking about the past. it hurts more than it helps. i keep reflecting back to things that were never were into things i want to be. and i need to stop obsessing over death. i keep thinking every time i speak to my mother that she only has 20-25 years left to live.
to stop being depressed, go check out skydivers world domination.
i (heart) mandy.
x0x0x0x
summer sky
stand tall girl
i am tired as fuck, paul has been on a conference call all night with work and Wednesday is driving me crazy. i pounded out a few back entries this evening so if you think you’re getting another one from me, kiss my fat white ass.
some amusing things to note, some asshole decided that it would be cute to put a link to geek-haus.org from stileproject.com. That’s fine by me and paul. We redirected traffic back to stileproject.com and to catholic.org.
the wedding plans are becoming a pain in my ass and I’m getting pissed at how expensive everything is. Since paul got me my visor for Xmas, I’ve been using that like a mofo adding dates and to do items and collecting crap left and right to get the wedding planned. Pauls parents will be up next weekend with an antique ring that we are going to have shaped for me (3 carat total weight in diamonds and in a platinum setting), plus we’ve been looking at places to get married and for the low low price of 8k we could rent our own private island in Key West.
Gah.
I can’t make my mind worth a damn, and to make matters worse our lease is up on our apartment in March and so we’ve been looking for some place new and everything is either asking wayyyyyyyyyyyy too much money (a lovely luxurious apartment for the low low price of 2500) or they won’t take big dogs (for paul’s sister whose moving up here next week) and or something is wrong with them. And you would THINK us living in the new SillyValley that we could get broadband — but no. We can’t. The central offices in the newer places are virtual and cannot do DSL, and if we move out of RoadRunner neighborhood, we can’t get cable. If someone thinks I’m going back to dialup, they are smoking some serious crack.
i finally got T-shirts for sale. I know I know, I promised those on the list shirts for free, and I swear I will get to them at some point. Dunno when, but i will. I’m also featured on a T-shirt from Open Knightly. I’m a CoderBuff girl! Right down to the barrette on the side of my hair.
Kinky.
year in review: 2000
January: paul and i started off the new year by me not remembering what had happened the night before. The alcohol consumed by myself was enough to force a blackout. something mumbled about blowjobs, bathrooms, and me being the life of the party all night.
February: paul and i head to NYC for LWE:NYC to meet with friends from #userfriendly and for his work purposes. We drove. Never ever will I drive anywhere farther than a few hours again. When I got to the hotel, I cried like a little girl because the NYC drivers *are* as bad as they say they are. i partied with geeks, saw times square, and paul and i got lost on the way into DC on the way home. We ended driving up the wrong side of 495 and had to cut through DC in the middle of the night.
march: my lovely brother came and stay with us for a week for spring break. oh joy!
April: my father passed away on April 24, 2000.
may: spent a week in Toronto for the funeral. paul turned 20. love and birth in one month. my fathers 73rd birthday would have been this month.
June: my 28th birthday.
July: Brian (pauls brother) comes and stays with us for nearly 2 months. I love his little brother 🙂 Wednesday is born.
august: i meet pauls parents and his Spanish grandmother. Brian goes back to Miami. school starts and i miss another semester.
September: We add Wednesday into our household. At 8 weeks and 3lbs she is adorable.
October: paul and i celebrate our one year anniversary by going to Morton’s steak house.
November: paul’s sister Ivette comes and stays with us for thanksgiving weekend and paul cooks up a storm. i nearly kill him in his over Martha Stewart process of making everything perfect. We roast a 26lb turkey for friends and family and there is no leftovers.
December: i plan a weekend trip to Michigan to see my mother, and paul and I fly to Miami for 9 days of fun in the sun. While we are gone, Wednesday gets bit by his aunt’s German shepard and paul and i freak out over our “child”. nadia and greg get married and we formally announce our engagement to the sullivan family.
music non-stop
i got obsessed recently with getting our cds in order. I knew for a long time paul and I had duplicates of the same cds, but thankfully it wasn’t that many. We found a 500 cd holder at freaking tower for under a 100 bucks, so we bought home and let my compulsive/obsessive nature shine through.
May I present you with the complete cd collection of lisa and paul.
Since Paul keeps asking me what CDs we own and he was bitching that i was not incorporating his CDs in with mine, i finally gave up and did this little project.
The case, despite being absurdly cheap, is actually pretty nice looking. We were using those standard 300 cd cases that you can buy at walmart for like 20 bucks, but every time you touched it, it almost fell over. Some of the 500 and 1000 cases I’ve been looking at were pricing at several hundred bucks. Who knew Tower would have something I needed? I usually despise that store for being so overpriced and full of wanna be trendoids. Majority of the time when I do buy cds, i buy them online now a days, but then again, who doesn’t buy shit online?
I’ve gotten hooked on yahoo — in more ways than one. I found out you can add all your checking, savings and credit card accounts on one page without having to look them up separately.
I’m so excited i could have cream my panties.
Btw, I’m looking for a new spades partner to play on pogo.com. come help a sistah out.
i have cramps.
x0x0x
lisa
autumn in virginia
fall has officially fallen upon us.
i can see a joke somewhere in there but I’m too tired to really think about it right now.
i love fall. when i see girls in sweaters and jeans i want to rush home and put on sweaters and jeans too. i love the way the air is crisp and how surreal the world looks against everything. i love the feeling of the wind against my cheeks and how my hands tingle when they get cold. i love the cravings i get for soup, hot cocoa and for chili.
tomorrow i go back to the shrink to start my therapy.
for the last few days I’ve been trying to reconcile things inside me i have not liked nor wanted to admit. many of them too personal for me to even begin to discuss to anyone let alone a public journal. perhaps i am afraid of the outcome, i do not know. i do know that i had gotten myself all riled up on the way home from work today that I sat on the toilet and cried while Paul looked concerned from the shower (naked and wet pauly, mmm).
My life, as we all know it in these last few years, has gone topsy turvy. i keep thinking back to the fall of 1994 when I was entering college for the second time — this time as a full time student. When I made the commitment to myself that this was something I was willing to do, I found that i loved what I was doing. I took the step and joined the paper, I excelled in school and I had friends all over the place. Then things change. And they kept changing.
Does anyone realize how hard being open and honest is. That choices need to be made to make you happy and that you need to make those choices to make yourself happy. But you don’t feel like you are being human, what choices do you have to begin with. Sometimes life is like a shell to me. You go through these emotions day in and day out — but they are not even really emotions, they are just motions. Putting on a brave face pretending to be something you aren’t. Why do people feel like they are so unhappy? Sometimes I wish I knew.
Sometimes I think I watch too much Felicity.
love,
Decadence Tackycake