i have a longer chronicle written out — but I’m tired. this is just a short note to say:
Atlanta rocked my world.
I met Paul (sad|st on #userfriendly). He and I didn’t leave the motel room for three nights and four days. literally. Con? What Atlanta linux showcase?
Paul and I fell in love.
We made love to “The Fragile” by NIN the whole weekend. 🙂 hehehe.
We are getting an apartment in Fairfax, VA. end of this year.
We are getting married in May of 2001.
I’m dead serious 🙂
Love,
Lisa
(i won’t let you fall apart — la mer)
Tag: ExFiance 2
rhubarb
man, i need to stop writing these things late at night. I’m getting mahself all confused.
On Sunday, my friend Keth came by packed with her Final Fantasy game, an extra controller to pick me up to head to Andrew’s and Godmomas new place in San Jose. The meeting was a bittersweet one. We met to congratulate Andrew and Gunilla on their new apartment and to say goodbye to me.
I find it hard, in some strange and broken way, to come to the realisation that this week will be the final week I will be in the SF Bay Area. I sat talking with Caroline (Cathleen’s sister) the other night about my 2.5 years here, and in many ways, I can’t quite come to grips with knowing that what I’ve put myself through. I know, personally, that looking back through my discussions with her, that my own life seems so damn ridiculous. How you may ask I know, personally, that if someone related to me about what I’ve been through and what I’ve seen right back to me, I would have said “man, that chyk is on fucking drugs. she’s not trustworthy, independent nor is she even really COOL.” However, ones own assessment of themselves seems to be way harsher than reality. We had a fairly healthy debate about women in technology (ironically, it was four women and two men at the shin-dig) and my basic stance is this: while i believe in the fight for equality for all sexes, women need to stop bitching about what is “owed” and start proving that they are worthy of their own due. I cannot take feminism seriously as long as those who claim to fight for “women” end up reading Cosmo, Vogue and other mags when they are done at the end of the day. ’nuff said.
On that note, i actually got packed this evening — man — three boxes worth of crap and i haven’t hit books, CDs and clothing. I can’t believe how much toys, knickknacks and overall crap i’ve accumulated since i’ve been here.
———–
you know how it is. you start looking at one friends webpage, which means you go to another and yet another. fortunately, i knew two of the people and knew of the third.
two of the pages i quickly skimmed were of course journals. not to the extent of which i have written, but, journals nevertheless (how cool is it to say that i have entries going back to 1996?). Since I knew of the persons, at one time, fairly intimately, it seemed strange to read their entry and feel — nothing.
Not strange perhaps, but more of an “gosh, they got what they wanted — why can’t i?” kind of feeling. not one of jealousy per se, but one of “why is it always THEM that gets the goods and not me?” kind of deal.
Last night on the phone, Paul babbled for some time about music and how it affects us. The strange ironic part of the conversation was that earlier in the evening, Justin and I were on our way back from running errands and I was grooving to NiN’s new cd (which, ironies of ironies CDNow finally shipped two weeks AFTER and I had already went and purchased the cd since I had never received it). I loved watching the back windshield pound to the beat of the bass of “Even Deeper” and Justin looked at me and said “I just don’t get it.” I replied “Don’t get what?” and he said “Music. This does NOTHING for me”. Justin knew, since the beginning of our relationship nearly 2.5 years ago, that music was a huge HUGE mainstay in my life. I used it for many reasons. And there are songs — some of which I’ve stolen from people I’ve met and some i’ve conjured on my own, that makes sense to me. I need the music in my life in order to survive.
but that is not the point and neither is this really.
lately i’ve been feeling detached. i toyed today with ideas of things and nothing. and i’ve been spending like mad (3 lipsticks, 2 pairs of shoes, boots, 4 pairs of pants, 3 shirts, 4 pairs of tights, the checkbook is hurting!). Most people spend their cash on hardware — i look to outfit my wardrobe. I heart being a girl.
I am not copesetic on everything right now. in fact, i’m choosing NOT to think because it’s so much easier than thinking. It hasn’t dawned on me that i’m leaving in 2.5 days.
I don’t feel right, I’ve got a crack in my heart
“You know Lisa, when you do something, people think it’s cute. When I do the same thing, people ignore me.” – Paul
Paul and I have been having this on-going “disagreement” on who started what and when and how. Simple euphemisms and mannerisms have become intertwined no one can remember who is a lisa-ism and what was a paul-ism. Scary.
Anywho, Paul and I talked about which songs describe us to a T. Paul picked No Fair Fights by Prick as one of them. He ripped the song for me and now that I finally have a working sound system, I finally downloaded it and have been replaying it over and over again. And anyone who knows me the slightest knows that I have a thing for lyrics (hello! Why I love Afghan Whigs and like bands) and I really dig the lyrics for this song. Paul will probably sit and smirk but hey, the words rock.
knee hurts. ow.
Anyway, I haven’t been writing much cos my life was anymore of a mess it would be a soap opera. Well, it is. Let’s see, in the last three weeks, I’ve had the following things occur:
- Roommate sideswiped car trying to miss one of our nine cats (damage estimated at one thousand dollars)
- I got canned from Slip.Net. That was fun. I won’t go into reasons why I was canned (the following Monday after being said canned, my website got hit from 80% of Slip.Net’s SF office. Word on the street was that I had “walked” out. Wrong, I was canned.)
- I took myself to the ER for “feeling funky” — found out I am slowly killing myself with stress. Basically, what had been happening started out with ear ache for the last couple of months. Then I was always so damn tired. Then for the last week I’ve been feeling like “airy” like I’ve been really high and i was losing sensation in my body. I remember standing, naked and dripping water on my bedroom carpet looking for the strength to get dressed. Sharp shooting pains going down right side of my body. Nine hours in the ER and find out it’s stress. Which I kind of thought.
So, I have start eliminating stress from my health, quit smoking, quit drinking caffeine, lose weight and get in shape.
And that alone above isn’t stressful? heh.
(Damn! I wish I was your lover)
Oh and the trippy thing? Save for the ER, all of these occurrences happened on a Friday. And on THIS upcoming Friday, I’m moving:) wooha!
“Time flies by when flirting with Lisa.” – Paul
Argh I’m so excited! I’m leaving and going down to San Diego and hooking up with Bear, Ducky, Moe, Jon, and others. Than driving to Texas and then ON TO ATLANTA BABY!!!!!!
Four days and three nights.
Yum.
I had more indepth things to say, but yanno, it’s 3:54am.
I’ll save the bitching for another time.
x0x0x0x0x
Angel Baby Heaven
love
How do you have a girl fall in love with you?
You buy her boots.
friday
Friday, September 17 had to go down in history as being one of the worse days in mankind. Well, at least in my personal history line.
I woke up early Friday morning to take Justin to work when I noticed something odd about my car. It didn’t look “right.” I found a note attached to what used to be my drivers side mirror. It was from Cathleen. It seems that during the night she was pulling into our driveway, tried to miss one of the cats and ran into my car instead.
All of Pleasant St. heard me screaming “FUCK!” at 5am. What a way to start the day.
This is the story she’s sticking to, but, I’ve conceded that to an extent it can’t be true. See, not only is the drivers side mirror fucked up (and hanging by a few wires) but there is also a 6 foot long scratch going from tire well to tire well. ugh.
I played show and tell all day at work with dragging people out to look at this mess. I wouldn’t have been so pissed if it were not for the fact she a. left me a note and b. i had spent nearly a grand within the last month getting my car out of impound and getting it ready for the trip in a few weeks. I forgot to mention this didn’t i? My car got impounded for being parked in a “commuter” zone on 3rd street in san francisco. I had a nice little anxiety attack at the corner of 2nd and Stillman, Justin slapped me and I was back to normal again.
The other fucked up part is that while both my roommate and I go through the same insurance company, they are notoriously slow with getting their act together. Last October I had rolled into a car while waiting at the toll booth to get onto the Bay Bridge. No biggie really, my foot slipped off the break when i had leaned down to grab my cd-holder. But the woman whom I had hit claimed that she got a neck injury! Ugh, I wasn’t going any faster than less than 1 mile per hour. You heard that right. 1 mile per hour. And she’s claiming neck injury?
Lisha twitches.
Anyway, that started off this past glorious friday. Got into work and found that we had a power outage at 6am with no UPS back up. Though power was restored fairly shortly, NIS+ had taken a dump which meant that people couldn’t get logged into the network and route. And if they were logged in, they couldn’t route. I was logged in at 6am and had gotten dumped (I was in fact, writing this column). I went to log back in and got these lovely funky errors. I tried dialing into several other providers and couldn’t route for the life of me. I figured something had gotten fucked up along the way so I did some maintenance and found that my disk had errors. No biggie. Went to reinstall Windows (which overwrote LILO) and then it started crashing back to hell and forth. I couldn’t even just BOOT into windows without getting a ton of errors.
bah.
So Friday.
Car got sideswipped.
Windows partition died (I’m now exclusively in linux or mac)
network goes down.
I’m sure I can think of a few things or ten that also went wrong. I kept claiming I was going to go home and buy a fifth of vodka (750 MIL for you non-us folks) and drink it down and fix my machine. I did neither. I haven’t even ATTEMPTED to get into windows to fix it. I should, my firewall is so airtight that I can’t even freaking do DCCs on IRC. I can’t ftp (ftpd is broked — jesus) and mah stupid fucking quickcam sucks ass in linux. *growls* However, GNOME is quite pretty. I like it much better than KDE or windowmaker. I should say, Enlightenment with Gnome on top. Whatever. It’s pretty. If you want to see my KDE desktop?
obsess
The strange man lurking on all my desktops is Paul.
You wanna see something really sick? Go here.
I had conceded in my head that I was ready to talk about this. I’m not yet. Don’t ask. I’ll tell you in a few weeks.
moving right along
I’m so fucking bored at work, it’s not even funny.
A little over a month or so ago, someone had asked me to send out an email for them to the staff mailing list. I had done these requests before. This time, the letter was not (supposedly) appropriate. Both me and the letter-writer got “in trouble”. The thing is, that they couldn’t fire me and since I’m leaving anyways, they haven’t done jack. All I do everyday (and all day) is fuck around. I try to get involved with projects but they don’t give me responsibilities because they know I’m leaving. Many people wanted to see me fired — but if they fired me they would have had to fire the letter-writer which they were not going to do.
They also gave my counterpart Matt a raise so that now I AM the lowest paid person in the company (at least in our SF office) — and I am also one of the most senior people there.
Fucked eh?
To be honest, I care and I don’t care. I haven’t give a shit about my job in a few months seeing how fucked over Matt and I were getting. We were promised raises back in April and July only to never see them follow through (well, now at least for me). I spend all day doing documentation because they want what’s in my brain but yet I didn’t “qualify” for a raise.
BAH.
I’m so stressed out these days, it’s not even funny. As my leave date approaches it seems more and more shit is being thrown in my face. Carolyn, Cathleens sister moves in (making five people living in our 2 bdr house instead of the original 2). Justin is moping around because I’m leaving, we have nine cats that Cathleen promised to take to the SPCA months ago and never did (I’m so leaving that up to her). Our house looks white trashy enough to make me gag, I’m sick of my job. I hate the area (is there any real reason why it takes me 1.5 hours to drive a 20 minute drive?) and the list goes on and on. The only bright thing is that I’m leaving, but with the added expense (car stuff + misc crap that keeps popping up), I’m finding myself frightened enough to start just freaking out.
I have no idea.
You know, I told Shelly on the phone last night that I was afraid of things working out. I have NEVER been happy — at least I know not for the last four years or more. I can’t remember when I was just freaking content with my life. Many people have said that my cross country odyssey makes them slightly jealous. you know, me doing a thelma and louise bit (minus louise, minus brad pitt, minus going off a cliff) as I will be alone for four days in my car. alone. with a carton of ciggies and 260 cd’s and a trunk full of computer equipment.
And I can’t get through peoples heads how frightened I am of packing up and just MOVING my shit cross country. I do so well with impromptu things but since this is planned and this has been dragging on for months now, the closer i get to my leave date, the more I find myself falling apart.
I’ve never ever told the story of how I came to California or why I came. I think maybe less than a 1/2 dozen people know the truth, and even then it’s hard for me to swallow. The last four years of my life have been this period i like to call the dark period because so much has happened to me in such a short amount of time it’s ridiculous. I find that, when I go to tell the story, my mouth drys up and I block out events. I knew what I was doing to get me here and I manipulated my way across the west. I can’t forgive myself for doing that but I also am having a hard time forgiving the person that I was involved with.
To many of you, my life starts when you read this and for majority of the world I’ve always lived in Oakland and I’ve always worked at slip.net. To be honest, it’s always felt like i have. Like there is no time and space before this. But there is. I’m NOT a california girl and I’m not happy here.
Justin has said he is afraid that I’m running away (again) to something that doesn’t exist. That my move to Virginia will just make things worse. I know he’s being selfish. If he could, he’d live with me forever, work at PBI and watch the Hitler, I mean History, channel is his off times. But I’m such a shell of a person I used to be — that it disgusts me. I can’t deal with it much longer.
I’ve got everything lined up in a row. Prospective boyfriend obsessing over me. New job at a kick ass company (making phat bank), new place. My own place. New things to do. Education. Everything. It’s like, God finally knocked some sense into his head and said “Yanno, Lisa has been having a rough life as of late, I think I will finally put things in perspective for her and give her what she wants” and the thing is, I’m so fucking intent on destroying it because I can’t handle being happy. But see, I can’t believe in a god or a god when I can barely have faith in myself.
I know, this much is true. There has never been a righter time in my life to move on then now. I know, that despite my grumblings, this is the best thing for me. I know that the trip will be fabulous and that I will fall in love on the way and that everything will work out for the best.
Because to be honest, I really have nothing left to lose.
Except myself.
Or maybe I’ll find myself out there in the wilds of Texas and join my mom in a convent.
I’m just kidding.
x0x0x0x0x
moi
she’s quaking
be afraid.
be very very afraid.
For the last couple of months, Matt and the guys from work have been trying incessantly to get me to play Quake or any of the other RPGs lan-type games. I’ve been resisting with “I don’t play games” but when Matt got me the 16MB AGP vid card, handed it to me, I knew I was lost.
This past Friday, we installed Quake2. All day long I started futzing with it because the whole concept of killing people without going to jail is kind of appealing. I futzed and futzed and futzed and finally got it working. When it did work and I entered the arena, Matt killed me in under 3 seconds. Not fun. I logged off and tried playing solo — but the game kept stalling and I was getting frustrated. I reinstalled a different version of Quake 2 (namely, the upgrade) and that worked. But I wanted to kill people dammit. I then downloaded Quake3, and installed it. But since Quake3 is tourney style, again I was dead pretty quickly.
I retold this whole story to Justin over the weekend (whom he thought it was amusing) and last night he came home with a legitimate copy of Quake which we both immediately installed on our boxes. For over an hour last night Justin and I hunted each other and I got mah ass handed to me 9 to -6. However, it is fun. I’m downloading the patch for quake 2 now :D.
violet eyes
Justin’s new schedule has me getting up between 4:30a-4:45a to take him to BART so that he can get to work. for the first time in a few weeks, instead of staying up, i immediately crawled back into bed when i got home. i didn’t wake up till nearly 11am. Woopsie. Since I’m leaving in three weeks anyway, they have been pretty lenient with me at work. Woopie. So I spent most of yesterday doing household items and talking online while my clothes got tided.
someone in the channel mentioned about buying colored contacts and i said how when i was younger i had gotten both green and violet flavor eyes. i had to dig up a few pictures to prove my point:
Lisa at 17
Lisa again at 17
Now, don’t yell or email me about how fucked up the hair is — I had no idea what the hell was going through my head at the time. However, I was at Shelly’s apartment in Wyoming, MI sitting in “my” chair (we all have that right? we go to a friends house and sit in the same chair. i also was obsessed with using this glass for drinkage that was actually a fancy measuring cup. Shelly didn’t understand my obsession with this thing.).
So, I post the pictures to the channel and to be honest, I got really disgusted with how people reacted to them. Why? because the first thing everyone noticed was the weight difference. In those pictures, I was 50lbs thinner. Big difference. Okay, fine, I can deal with that. The main thing was that people kept going “oh you were so cute/hot/beautiful” almost as if “what the fuck happened to you?!?”. Well, I’m 10 years older than I am in those pictures. I don’t think they are the best representation of me at that age but it really irked me that people were so fucking shallow.
The biggest pet peeve i’ve always had for a long time was people not accepting me for me but accepting me for what i looked like. It was like, jesus christ people, grow up. I’m still the same person 50lbs or not, purple eyes or not.
I was ranting and raving to Paul about this because it was bugging the fuck out of me. he was like “lisa, you were cute and innocent then, but to be honest, you ARE HOT now weight gain or not.”
The thing is, I’ve always known i would grow into my looks. I have such strong features that I knew that I would get better with age. Like a lot of people didn’t believe I was 17 in those pics and a lot of people don’t believe I am 27 now. Then it was always that I looked older and now it’s that i look younger. I can thank my mother (for once) for having her beautiful genetics.
I have always ALWAYS known that I was or never would be conventionally beautiful and that doesn’t bother me. I’ve not let it bother me for years because it helps weed out the imbeciles and numbskulls who hit on me. Same reason why I got pierced in the various fashions that I have — because i know and have always known that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. Which is just fine by me. I don’t want the whole world to love me — just one person. That’s fine enough for me.
But what REALLY irks me is that people who are so, just, ugh, normal, pass judgement on me as they sit on their 300lb fat asses eating king dongs and HO-HOs trying to tell me I look like shit. I always look good. I can afford to be egotistical because I am god and what I say goes. I’ve never had a problem getting a man or winning over friends. The problem I have is that the men that generally like me are fucking nimrods and bore the living fuck out of me.
But enough about me. let’s get on to something interesting!
x0x0x0x0x
moi
i sold my soul for a playstation
i don’t know how it started, but lately i’ve been going on and on about playstation (psx) and tekken. this spurned a debate about gaming in Userfriendly, when one of the channel regulars said that for “favors” i could have his souped up psx plus 20 games.
Since these “favors” weren’t detailed, i bugged the person when i got privately messaged by someone else that said they would send me a “new” playstation (minus games) for FREE! as long as I didn’t prostitute myself out. He wanted me to keep my self-respect in check, he stated.
While the second person has met me and can testify to my hotness, i was a bit amused (and tempted) to take up on his offer. I told him that thanks for the kind offer, but I could not take such a gift under those kind of circumstances, but that i appreciated the offer regardless.
this brought a fury of um, response from someone close to my heart.
later on, the conversation dated back to older gaming stations and i started going on about the Atari 7800.
Remember those things? They must have come out in way early 80s (i’m thinking 82-83) and basically were emulations of the arcade style games (graphics and all).
I loved my 7800. I kept it up until we moved to grand rapids in 1985 and beyond as we had played frogger, q*bert, pacman like mother fuckers. I once topped pac man at either over a million or 10 million. I forget which, but I remember taking a picture of the screen when I did so (and I still have that pic!).
Another channel regular, Gruuk, came up with a link to ebay that showed that there were 7800s FOR SALE! WOAH!
The current price on one was out of my league (around 150 bucks) but another one (and this one HAD q*bert) was in my price range.
I, of course, bidded on a piece of my childhood.
This spurned off other seeking. I bidded on a rare Afghan Whigs vinyl as well as the ultra-rare JudyBats cd “When Souther Bells,” which I have been looking for forever.
Add this up to the cd’s i bought of Ned’s Atomic Dustbin God Fodder, Bauhaus 1979-1983 Vol 1 and Swing The Heartache: BBC Sessions. I also purchased Sister of Mercy’s Vision Thing.
And I coaxed (cajoled? begged? pleaded? batted my eyelashes?) Paul to spring a whopping 6 bucks on a TI 99/4A. This was my FIRST computer ever. I learned how to program BASIC on it.
God, I got wet just thinking about it. An Atari 7800 and a TI-99/4A!!!
woohoo!
god is an alcove
i completely and totally understand that i’m regressing into my childhood.
First it was the obsession over old computer equipment and it’s also been music.
For the last couple of weeks, I’ve been slowly hunting down music from my youth.
Bands like Charlatans UK, The Stone Roses, Happy Mondays just to name a few bands (and including the ones listed above that I bought cd’s for). I’ve been jamming to Spinner recently (and getting other people hooked on it. the ModernMix and Alt.90s channels 0wnz).
i’ve been on the hunt for MP3s that remind me of bands that I love to listen to. That whole Manchester sound that supposedly died in the early 90s. Brit Rock, with a dash of techno/industrial thrown in. Paul ripped Bauhaus’ “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” and I’ve been bopping around going “undead undead undead.” One thing I will say about Paul, since I’ve met him on-line, my cd purchasing has increased tenfold as he loves the same fucked up bands as I do. Also, CdNow has a “similar artists” info for all the bands. So I’ve been reading those and going “OH YEAH! I remember them!!” and going “damn I need to stop spending the dough.”
Speaking of which, i got tickets to see VIOLET FEMMES AT THE FILMORE!
this week has been owning so hard.
i waited for the joke
Amongst other neat-o things is that Shelly got our apartment. She moves in on August 28th. I got the phone lines turned on. I got a job OFFER from the dot commie people. I have an interview with the Washington Post.
my shit, definitely does NOT stink.
let’s see, emotionally i’m exhausted. this week decided to be the week from hell with people mind fucking left and right, breakups, declarations and other lovely things. i’ve been backing off left and right about this. i can’t deal with it and it’s not worth dealing with.
mike “I can’t call a girl cos she’ll think i’m paranoid” norton
finally sent me the signed SIP books AND the picture he drew of me (mike, not Terry Moore).
chit chat
As you know, I’ve made it pretty obvious how to contact me. Click on the link in the top nav bar for “contact” and everyplace that I hang out at is listed. However, someone suggested that I set up a bulletin board for discussing my chronicles. You can do so by going to all that and a bag of chips club on yahoo!. It’s been up since July 3rd and it’s somewhat populated. Go! Now! Discuss my interpretation of something or another! 🙂
the shaft theme is playing.
time for bed!
x0x0x0x
iMaul
i keep coming back
on July 16th 1998, i had made the decision while at work one day to start doing an on-line journal. this wasn’t anything really new to me, other than the fact that i had been writing and posting my journals on and off for about 3 years before that. however, i never had any continuity or any real schedule — but it was time to change that.
i had been browsing the web on and off and finding similar sites and decided i could indeed write not only better but more productive than those who were doing it already.
on that day, i sat down and wrote my first entry and thusly the lisa chronicles were born.
in that year, i’ve shared a lot with those who have come here. the site initially was getting about 25 hits a day (normal for me back then when random people would find it) to over five times the traffic now. i started a counter later on that month and as you can see, nearly 15k worth of unique hits have hit my site. now i’m getting 5x the traffic along with nearly a 100 people subscribed to the mailing list as well. several hundred people eagerly await, daily, for any words or tidbits that i may dish up. sometimes i’ve been silent for a few weeks and others i’m posting several times a day.
my site has been recognized by other sites as being unique and one of a kind. and while people, in the “scene” had known about me for years via “simunye” and my exploits around the web, new people were coming and liking me for what was presented here and not for any past rumors that they may have heard. one night when i was in Memphis, mike and i were at taco bell. i had been drinking and was lollygagging around in the ‘stang, when i had commented “I will forever be known as an on-line diarist”. and then i had said it with such disdain and contempt. the next day, i got an invitation from The Unreal World to apply on being a member (and no, i haven’t heard back from them yet).
i suppose there are many worse things than being known as an on-line diariest. i could be a crackwhore, but i suppose that is beside the point. in the last year i’ve cried, bragged, loved, lost, took chances, became frustrated, just basically lived. in my own hindsight, i no longer read others journals and i no longer read my own. why? because in the past when i had become enamored of a site such as mine, it became a tossup of whether i was living my life or i was living through them. i started having memories of things i knew didn’t happen but my own involvement within that site made me think i did. Or maybe it was my split personality Sam who thought so, who knows.
Regardless, thank you.
Thank you for everything. The next year proves to be even more exciting as I’m finally getting my supple young ass off the west coast and move back east (confirmed and set for October). I love you guys, even if you are all just big big freaks.
———
My friend Dan (he’s a big freak) asked me one day to make a wav saying “You’ve got mail”. And so I did:
mmmmmmmm……you’ve got mail
mmmmmmmm……you’ve got oral
The second file was generated for Pawl, who also asked me to do the chorus to James Brown’s “Sex Machine”. That file won’t get put up.
———
I’ve been slacking, I know, however, taking a cue from several people, if you click on lisa above in the above nav bar, you’ll learn even more about me than you ever wanted to know. but it is slightly amusing.
———
Back in early July, I started a club on yahoo!. and it’s been pretty amusing. go join in the fray and sign up worship me some more — you know the usual stuff. i’m on as g0desslike. that shouldn’t surprise you.
———
and lastly, i’ve been thinking, with all the changing going on around here, the name of the site will no longer be “The Last Word: The Lisa Chronicles” but “Girl Extraordinary: The Lisa Chronicles”. And just where does the word “Girl Extraordinary” come from? Simple:
“Neglekted”
By Afghan Whigs
I know a girl, extraordinary
Suggested something, unsanitary
The rest of the words are located on the whigs site. What can I tell you, Greg Dulli is god. And that song is so me. So is “What Jail Is Like” from the album “Gentlemen”. If you are planning on getting any cds soon, I so highly recommend that one and 1965. I’ve converted so many people to Whigism. I own.
———
I will be at LinuxWorld Expo August 9-12th. I’ll be meeting a bunch of ufies as well as just hanging out. In October, I’ll be heading to the Linux Showcase in Atlanta, again hanging with Ufies. Y’all come and find me, kk?
———
And finally, in the spirit of the 1st Anniversary of The Lisa Chronicles, I was thinking of regging the domain name girlextraordinary.xxx (xxx stipulating whatever TLD i choose: com, org or net) and using that for the basis of journals instead of simunye.org. Any ideas?Thoughts?
Reason?
It’s time for a change, and while the nick Simunye will always be associated with me, it’s time for something new. hell, i need to pay for
iwubpawly.org still, but that is another story 😀
i want feedback on this 🙂
———
And I’ll leave you with these words:
What Jail Is Like
By The Afghan Whigs (of the album Gentlemen)
I’ll warn you, if cornered, I’ll scratch my out of the pen
Wired, an animal, the claustrophobia begins
You think I’m scared of girls, well maybe but i’m not afraid of you
You want to scare me then you’ll cling to me no matter what i do
Tell you a secret, they shared a needle once or twice
i loved her, she loved me, we slept together a couple of times
you think i’m proud of this, well maybe but the shame you never lose
infatuated with a lunatic and cornered by the muse
and it goes down every night
this must be what jail is really like
and i will scratch my way out of this pen
lonely? maybe or maybe not at all
depends your idea your image your definition of a friend
if what your shoveling is company then I’d rather be alone
resentment always goes much further than it was supposed to go
ich liebe dich.
ihr inneres und mein inneres immer zusammen
girls who wear glasses
when i was 8 years and in the third grade, i was friends with Audrey and Valerie Ricebeck, who were fraternal twins. Val, Aud and I were like the three stooges: we were never somewhere without the others. While, like most twins, they were as different as night and day, it was strictly because of this that we three got along so well.
as best friends generally go, when one of them got something, the other two of us wanted it.
so when Val got glasses (or maybe it was Audrey — this was nearly 20 years ago — so i don’t quite remember), I had to have them to.
i faked not being able to see the blackboard, forcing my mom to take me to the eye doctors. turned out that i really did need glasses and was given a dorky pair from there on in.
later that year, Aud and Val moved to Ohio and i never heard from them again.
since that time, i’ve always grown up with an absolute hatred for glasses. my aunts tried to make me feel better about it by having gold lettered initials put in the corners (it was all the rage in the late ’70s), getting glasses that auto-darkened to the sun and basically anything that would make my life “easier”.
i never saw this to be so, though, really. you see, i was always convinced that NO ONE would touch me with glasses on. my lack of popularity or what have you was because i wore glasses. so when i started 8th grade, i begged and pleaded for contacts and eventually got them. then Nick Hill thought i was cute and we started dating as far as being in 8th grade goes and dating goes. he was the first boy i had ever kissed. later he dumped me before our “senior” trip to Cedar Point because i wouldn’t have sex with him while my best friend would. He also moved to Ohio later on that year — but that is another story.
it’s been over 14 years since that time — and granted the girl of 1985 is not the same girl in 1999 (though recently, i’ve been wondering if she and i were not the same now). and for a good chunk of that period, a very select few has ever seen me in my glasses.
i’ve worked really hard to live without them.
oh yesh, i’m blind as a bat, but i will not or would not out of sheer vanity wear my glasses. i hated them. i absolutely hated them. the frames were too big, it was this or it was that. while i made sure i went to the doctors every year or so to check my prescription, i would never get new glasses. i’ve always associated glasses with being fat and unattractive and thusly i just couldn’t see myself wearing them on a daily basis. i had brain washed myself to thinking that no one would EVER EVER want me in my glasses.
then justin came into my life and things started to change.
if i wore glasses around the house, Justin could not keep his hands off of me.
I always joked that since he loved me, he would take me regardless of what i was wearing. his argument was no, that something about how i looked in glasses (even the piece o crap ones that i owned) did “something” to him.
the pair that i had were over 10 years old, the frames were beaten, the ovals were WAY too big for my face. i only wore them when i ABSOLUTELY had to. i used to joke that you knew when i really liked you when i felt comfortable enough showing you my glasses. some people would say their insecurities would be about getting naked — with me it as about wearing glasses.
then earlier this year, i finally had enough money to spend on getting glasses AND contacts. i checked around found a place having a 2 for 1 frame sale. scheduled the appointment and viola! I walked out with 6 months worth of disposable contacts, one pair of funky frames and one pair of wireless frames.
I fell in love with my new glasses.
i would put them on when i was at home and just stare at myself. i couldn’t get or understand why glasses made me feel so, good, but these pairs did. both pairs both fit my personality and my facial features. i didn’t look fat or unattractive or trashy as i had brain washed myself to be: i looked CUTE.
but as they say, old habits die hard.
yesterday morning bean and i were playing around with my quickcam when she just adored me in my glasses. pawly saw the pictures and wrote to me nearly poetic verses about me and glasses — he intoned that i could go from “hot lil vixenous sloot to intelligent looking strong woman” in a matter of seconds with glasses on — and the irony was that every male i spoke to that day echoed the same thing!
something about girls in glassess…
i don’t get it — really.
mike said it best: he implied that a woman who would wear her glasses had moxy and self-confidence — which was really quite attractive. well duh — i mean, that is what every says about me as it is in the first place. i got to thinking. I went into the bathroom, put on the black funky pair, slapped some lipstick on and threw a funky barrette in my hair. I looked and looked.
This wasn’t the lisa i knew and adored usually — this was someone different. this was someone, in a way, i always wanted to be.
you see, for many years, people have always assumed that because i was tattooed and pierced that i would want to meet and date tattooed and pierced freaks as well. this is NOT always the case — i’ve always felt like my tastes were eclectic. while i had some common “lisa-isms” about men (tall, cute, goatee), i found that i was attracted to geeky guys. the quiet ones in the corner. the misunderstood guys who had all this passion and verve. the quiet smoldering type. with a hint of ego on the side.
the only person i’ve ever dated that was a ‘freak’ in piecing and tattooing was danny and he didn’t start his road to freak behavior till AFTER we broke up the first time around. Now he makes me look all dainty and pure with as much ink and metal he has in his body. but see, that ink and metal he has in his body makes him look really beautiful to me.
and it would ALWAYS piss me the fuck off when I would be with friends and if they knew or see some guy who had a zillion pieces of metal hanging out of his body, blue hair and wore leather like there is no tomorrow: they would ALWAYS assume that i would want to date this person. it just irritated the hell out of me.
my own reasoning for piercing and tattooing is pretty simple: i find it attractive on me. lisa without pierced nipples just don’t make sense. the tongue thing i keep waffling on (it’s in for now) — but the nipples are so me.
see, people always assume a lot of things about me: and a lot of it has to do with the impressions they get from my website or if they’ve met me in a face to face encounter. some just assume that i am this big outgoing freak and others assume that i’m this big emotional gangbusters or some even think that i can’t have any old fashioned ideas.
but see, that’s all true and not true.
growing up i was /really really/ shy. and in a lot of ways i combated that with being obnoxious and loud: just like my grandfather. i always had a smart mouth on me — and a lot of what my friends saw was that! but this didn’t mean that i never got scared or lonely or felt alone in any manner. nor did this mean that i have a hard time talking to people or feel awkward. but i make the best of it. i have a lot of gumption for a lot of things and in other areas i’m still socially retarded. like i’ve NEVER gone to a bar by myself. Ever. And up until a few weeks ago, I’ve never gone to a party or a movie alone. Those were two huge steps for me. I started hyperventilating — but I did it.
Me and glasses represent a lot of things in my head: and I can still see the very insecure, tall, too smart lisa (uh, i was always the only girl in my AP classes for a long time) who would have killed to be a dingbat if it meant that she would get a freaking date.
it’s funny.
in a lot of ways, sitting here writing this, i’ve realized that while a lot of what i’ve written may seem convoluted, there is a story here and an important one at that. i’m 27 now and i’ve realized that for the first time in a very long time, i really and i mean REALLY like who i am. while things like quitting smoking, working on my book or wearing glasses aren’t really true answers, they are paths that lead to idea of what i wanted. the problem has always been that my own representation of myself has never been as well clarified as i had always hoped it was. i always got so angry when people would just ASSUME that i was one thing when i always saw myself as being another and the wonder why there was always so many misconceptions of me.
i know it goes back to some of the original ideas i had when i was younger, that if someone really liked me (in any sense) that they would get the time to know me on a more intimate level. if they didn’t take that time or energy to invest in me — is this someone i really want in my life?
i’ve spent nearly 14 years shadowboxing the world. and i know it is because of this that people find me “amusing” because f the paradox i seemingly create. all sides are equal but they don’t match up.
i don’t think i’ll ever stop protecting myself from being hurt. likewise i don’t think i’ll stop putting people through tests but i know it’s that wearing glasses and getting pierced are really saying: if you like me, like me for my mind NOT because of what i look like or how many holes i have in my body (this is not discounting physical attractiveness — because i can be fairly shallow — but you know what i mean).
i know this is why i’ll always luv my pawly, because he gets me in a lot of root base desires that others don’t. and my danny for seeing a lot of the sides that i have and still caring about me regardless. and justin for initially setting me on the path. for shelly whose known me longer than anyone else. for bean for making me laugh and being geeky with me. and cartoon boy, who always asked the right questions and got me thinking about stuff and thinking that maybe someone would like me for being real.
a lot of who i am has everything to do with who you guys are.
i seemingly reflect the best that you all are.
i love you guys.
on that note, i’m taking off for Fresno for the day. I have to go do some “work” or something. I don’t know when i’ll be back. i have a lot of stuff to catch up on and then i take off for Memphis on Wednesday. 🙂 i may or may not update the chronicle until i get there — so be forewarned.
my favorite holiday is Halloween.
because everyday is like Halloween.
x0x0x0x0x,
moi a la mode
why
“never tell anyone anything, you’ll end up missing them.”
— quote on the halfshell from Catcher in the Rye
i’ve come to the conclusion i’ll never understand people.
ever.
there will be something that will continue to elude me for as long as i live. no matter how empathetic i can get or how on target my perceptions are, people will always remain a puzzle to me.
pawly was right when he said that not baring all was good — too much information was a disastrous thing.
i think my problem is, that for once i wanted normalcy and i got —
i can’t say a bad thing. because more was given to me in the last few months than i remember in a long time. but that doesn’t mean i still know why.
tonight i spent a considerable amount of time pacing the floors and banging my head against the wall wanting a cigarette. bean kept telling me, if i got through this, during this crisis (today has been the day from hell) i would get through all. i would be okay and that i could survive this. justin kept telling me the same damn thing as i cried and begged for ONE cigarette.
the smell of smoke was all around the house, making me sick, but i wanted a fucking cigarette.
and the world should know i decided to eat dinner first and not smoke or go to the store.
so i’m still holding clean.
you walk in, just like smoke
with a little c’mon c’mon c’mon
in your walk, c’mon
i’ve been waiting
are you waiting
for my move
i’m making it
you move me
you do
like i’ve never been done before
you don’t even know
what you do to me
the sad part is that sometimes we will allow our own pride to take precedence over anything else because of fear. and i realize that while a lot things always change, the same things remain the same.
i’ve been smoke free for almost four days now.
i at least have that.
and katchoo and Francine.
but katchoo was a smoker —
SHUT UP! she was also a lesbian! well she didn’t like men. speaking of which, i need to get the latest issues. i’m so behind.
lisa-fan: “heh… i took a picture of you, and pasted it into after dark the other day… so now i have you bouncing across my monitor during the day… it’s pretty relaxing… :)”
i already miss.
i’m so pathetic. aww well. my fault for hoping.
on the half shell
Within the last week i:
- bought a ticket to Memphis
- quit smoking
- got unwanted house guests (who i can’t stand to begin with)
- got accepted to Western Michigan U
- lost 5lbs.
- watched my best friend get proposed to and then jilted at the alter.
- fall on my ass literally
- become a raving psychopathic lunatic
I don’t know what’s going on. All I do know is that I keep driving people away. One minute I am “fine” and the next minute i’m a psychotic and depressive, accusatory and pushy. i’m defensive and i’m gonna end up having people hate me.
fast and easy
why is it, that everytime i get motivated to write in this damn thing, it always ends up being 6:28am and somehow or another the last 1/2 hour has been fritted away somewhere. then i say, i’m going to pick this back up at work and then i find i can’t because my train of thought has already disappeared.
funny that, for the last hour i had five different entries of things i wanted to write about this morning and now i’m getting writers block.
is this how a man feels when having sex?
my teeth are coated in sugar. remind me to never ever eat 1/2 bag of jolly ranchers again.
it’s been over 48 hours since i’ve quit smoking, officially. though it’s day three.
I feel like i REALLY owe an apology to a lot of people out there. i won’t name names but, i’ve been treating you rather shitty the last few days. I’m sorry. You gotta understand that the ONLY crutch i’ve had in the last 10 years has been cigarettes and i’ve kicked those to the curb. I never really thought about it, till they were gone, how much psychologically i needed them. How much I associated them with different rituals of my life. It’s scary. I go to grab for a cigarette and find that it’s not there! Woah.
I’m sorry. I’m really really sorry for being moody and paranoid and being a basic pain in the ass. I’m really sorry if I bit your head off, became defensive or picked fights with you. I’m really sorry for being so just damn icky these last few days. I haven’t liked it either, trust me.
guess what. It’s time for worksie!
muzak
i was sitting here, looking at the stack of 20 or CDs sitting on top of pleiades, and realized that i had nothing but depressing music. GEEZ!
Now Playing: Squirrel Nut Zippers:Hot.
Really bored?
Here is a list of all the cds I own.
I’m so cool beavis.
what’s sad is that i need another cd-rack. mine is erm, filled. i have no where am near danny though — he’s got over 500 CDs at last count. probably closer to a 1000. what’s even sadder is that i look at it and there is NOTHING there i want to listen to. grrrr. but that’s alright though, i have four or five new CDs showing up 🙂
thank god for mp3s. but you didn’t hear me say that.
ARGH!!!!!!!!!
My damn short attention span. I spend too much time at second spin. Here is a list of CDs I want. I’ll take ’em used. I’m not picky:
ArtistThe JudyBats Ibid Ibid 3rd Bass Ibid |
CDDaylight(cd-single) Hold Your Horses – Judybats Rarities 1 When Southern Bells Derelicts of Dialect Cactus Album |
Shit shit shit.
I’m sure, there are like a gazillion cds I want. However, I’m having an attack of amnesia.
Now Playing: JudyBats : Pain (Makes Me Beautiful).
Jesus christ on a pogostick!
Amazon.com has NO mention of this cd or anything by the Bats!! lemme try cdnow.com. yeah that’s it. GOOD GOD! Nothing at cdnow! Christ!! SOB!! One of the best bands from Tennessee in gods knows how long and well hell — best band in the late 80s/90s and freaking NOTHING. NOTHING AT CDUNIVERSE.COM EITHER!
It’s a conspiracy!!
I can’t find Judybats but they have Spoken word by Jewel?!? What’s up with that. I read her crap standing in a line one day at Barnes and Noble. The stupid bitch wrote a poem (in tribute to Charles Bukowski) called “Bukowsky’s Widow”. The dumb cunt spelled his goddamn name wrong! Gash.
I’m angsty. Well. Truth be told.
truth, justice and the lisa way
Ed.: Just got back from seeing Star Wars: Phantom Menace for the second time. DARTH MAUL IS SO SEXY! And I’ll probably see it one more time.
but anyway.
I was having a conversation with you know who (I swore I wouldn’t mention him again for a few days. I sound like a sappy high school girl. Next thing you know I’ll be drawing hearts an flowers!), but i digress, about trust, cheating and other predicaments.
now this particular person had has lovers cheat on him. he has trust issues. and i have no problem explaining things to him about people. i know a lot of people.
But again, I digress.
Anyone whose a fan of this site and has read back through all my pieces knows that I’m a HUGE fan of trust/honesty and commitment. Lord knows, all the whining I do on relationships, i was the one getting dumped on FAR MORE often then dumping of people. And in my whole life, I’ve only cheated twice. Once in high school on this guy Chris who I later found out had been cheating on me the whole time and dumped me for said girl. Alan cheated on me, Miguel cheated on me, the list is endless.
The second time I cheated on someone was with Danny, with Michael (I know too many damn Michaels!). (Miguel went by mike as well. Do you know see why my theory of ever male I know named Michael either dates a girl whose with someone or cheats on their girlfriend? It’s impossible!). I’m not proud of what I’ve done. And I have regretted it ever since then. I couldn’t have told Danny “I’m Sorry” enough to make it go away. I’ve done a lot of stupid things in my lifetime and a lot of stuff that I regret, but it has made me the person I am today. This is me.
Now, I used to believe in one-on-one relationships. My experiences with Jeff taught me about polyamory — and then I conceded that polyamory was for people who are afraid to make commitment. On the other hand, polyamorous relationships can have it’s benefits and as long as adults are consenting I don’t see a problem.
I’ve grown up. I’ve matured.
But, in all honesty, when Pawl and I used to talk about relationships and whatnot, and the possibility of US being in a relationship, and he said he didn’t care who I did as long as I came back to him. And sometimes that sounded fine — because I liked the idea of being FREE. But most of the time, It killed me because it showed just how little respect we had for each other. It didn’t grain with me at all.
But for the last couple of months, I’ve been doing some serious thinking. I’ve read all the books on commitment and polyamory, I’ve formed my own opinions for me.
I think, above and beyond anything else, trust and honesty is the way to go. If you are in a committed relationship with someone, and it’s monogamous, then it should remain as such. If you can’t keep your dick/pussy in your pants long enough to break up with the person, that shows, to me, how much disrespect you have for that person. I’ve been down that route. Especially when your bf of on/off of five years calls you and tells you “Hey — this 40yo chick just sucked me off. Everything I do, I do for you baby!” I still cringe when I hear those words.
My own personal experience is that after Alan dumped for another chyk (whom he had been cheating on me with). For three years I was single. I swore that no man would ever have my heart ever again. Not like that. It was too painful. It hurt way too much. I could never ever love like that. Proof in point, when I saw an Alan duplicate last year, my stomach dropped to the floor and I almost started crying. In the middle of the restaurant no less. I still loved the bastard after all these years. It never goes away, the pain just dims to a fading memory.
And I know where my faults lie. The internet is safe, c’mon it’s true. You can form intense relationships that last for days and feel like years. You get to know all the person you can and there is always something missing. I’ve said this publicly to my friends too many times: I like knowing I can see the person when I want to see them. Meaning, they don’t get the full Lisa-effect. They get what I choose to share with them. It’s safe. No real hurt involved. Nothing. It gets easier as time goes on. You put on this mask and you become a shell of yourself. They will never see how you look at certain movies, how you taste, how you feel against them at night. It’s a sham. I hate internet relationships. But in my own shyness offset, it’s the only way I could deal because after putting so much trust and hope into one person and have that person walk all over you — it’s hard.
the irony is that right now, i’m in a quasi-relationship. i refuse to define it. I know it’s there. this is something real. Because I can’t not help what he would look like when he laughs. And I took that piece of information and chewed on it for awhile and realize that i need to make it somewhat real. No more pixilated pictures. Nothing. I’ve spoken on this time and time again. It has to be real or it’s nothing.
i keep digressing.
justin used to laugh at all the mens i would have on a string — and it’s easy and it’s true. and every single one of those men on internet knew as well as i did that nothing would come of this. we would never meet. it was a diversion for whatever reason. and that’s okay too. and i’ve remained friends (for the most part) with those mens for a long time. good friends. more chances then not it was more platonic then romantic because the spark wasn’t there. and on the internet, everything is nothing but undercurrents and what not. they have other dalliances. i have mine. and then it ends.
earlier today when i got home from work, i was thinking about my friend victor.
i haven’t spoken to him in eons it seems, but he said something that struck in my mind: that the more a girl likes someone the more apt that she’s not going to use protection with that person. at first i laughed and said he was wrong, but went back to him a few days later and told him he was right. i looked back at my own relationships and knew that i was more apt to go condom-less the more i liked a person. but lisa has more self-respect for herself. a deep seeded fear after finding out that Alan not only slept with me bare-back but the bitch bare-back drove me insane. there has only been one person in the last five years i’ve slept without a condom on, and that was danny. we were monogamous (i used condoms with michael thank you) and i get checked every year. I don’t EVEN think about sleeping with someone without a condom now. it’s habit. one of the guys i car pool with left a condom in my car. i shoved it in my wallet. i started joking with my friends that it was for the “just in case” i ever met someone that i dug (hahahahahahahah). i always see the humour in that.
back on track lisa.
oh yeah, sorry.
so anyway, i started thinking about what victor said and related it to relationships. love can be defined by me in so many ways and i started thinking about all the guys i’ve liked in the past. how far would i go? for the most part, not very far. it would be as it was an that was that. but i noticed that once i started singling out things about a certain person. how much time i talk to them, email them, want to see them, everything else falls into place. you make allowances for that person that you wouldn’t make for others. what victor said was downright brilliant.
i’ve always been afraid on how to like someone again. really like someone. because the whole world is a stage and your the performer. and you really don’t want to fuck up. and i worry about that, worry that one of my little idosyncricies will shine through and that person will run away screaming in fear. there is so much in my head that has never been let out. i find myself recounting stories to whatshisname that never make it into regular conversation with anyone.
i liked justin, but I didn’t LIKE HIM LIKE HIM, if you knwo what I mean. I’ve only “liked” a few people in all those years — most I could give a shit about.
whoo boy. 🙂
i’ve made my decision, delirious and free.
i had this vision of who i was and who i wanted to be. i’ve recounted it several times over the years and lately within the last year — being in this constant blue funk. and lately i’ve noticed that i’ve been noticing the little things. the way the clouds hang over SF. The way Cat puckers when putting on lipstick, the angle of the shopping carts the homeless leave. the curve of my leg in shorts. things that in the past year went by in a blur.
i used to feel time was running out on me. i wouldn’t live long and that i would have nothing left to show for it. sometimes i wonder just how much you can say before you make a fool out of yourself.
in conclusion, i just want to say this: if you are in a relationship with someone, and you honestly are in love with them. tell them. daily. tell them you care. if you’re not in love with them, break up with them. leave them. find someone who can make you happy. Just don’t ever lie to them or cheat on them. You’ll regret it in the morning.
I’ve got a spring in my step lately and i’ve been feeling good. and maybe it’s because i’m taking time out for me for once. looking at who i am. feeling myself out.
and you know?
for once i like who i am.
and that, in itself is a small miracle.