Gala Darling – A Most Unreliable Narrator

pithy statements (or what happens next when you have a nervous breakdown.)

What happens next when you have a nervous breakdown.

Dear Internet,
What you’re about to read was written damned near a year ago, never finished, and languished in my drafts box waiting to get some love. It seems appropriate, with my incessant working on self-care to update the mother-fucker and then post it in a more timely manner and by that I mean today, February 10th, 2017.
Let’s re-cap, shall we? I have a nervous breakdown in October 2015 (you can watch this in real time by reading anything from July 2014 until April – May 2016.) I am back in Louisville at that time with TheExHusband and he persuades me to start seeing a talking and medicating therapist, which I do, as I cannot afford, financially, to be hospitalized. My melt-downs are happening less but I’m still very fragile state of mind. I put together coursework, and started collecting inspirational quotes (pithy statements). (click here to jump down to the content after the quotes).
Here are 70 of them:

Sleep doesn’t help if it’s your soul that’s tired
Everything falls apart when you forget who you are and everything comes back together when you remember
Life isn’t about waiting for the storms to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain
Be good to people. Even the shitty ones. Let the assholes be assholes. You’ll sleep better
You’ll never have to force anything that is truly meant to be
Stay away from people who make you feel like you’re hard to love
Don’t believe the things you tell yourself when you’re sad and alone
Some trite inspirational quote about overcoming some things or some shit. I don’t know. Fuck off
Goddess of courage
Admire someone else’s beauty without questioning your own
Life does not have to be perfect to be wonderful
You are never too old to to set another or dream a new dream – C.S. Lewis
Maybe life isn’t about avoiding the bruises. Maybe it’s about collecting the scars to prove we showed up for it
I am not normal. I don’t want to be. I don’t pretend to be. I am me
You are bad ass. You can do this
FEAR = Forgetting Everything is All Right
You are writing your own life
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you’re stupid and make bad choices
If today was the last day of my life, would I want to do what I’m about to do today? – Steve Jobs
You have to let people see what you wrote. It’ll never be perfect but perfect is overrated – Tina Fey
Half the failures in life arise from pulling in the horse as he is leaping – August William Hare / Julius Charles Hare
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new – Albert Einstein
If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are you’ll fall into someone else’s plan. And guess what they have planned for you – not much – Jim Rohn

Don’t let what you can’t do stop you from doing what you can do – John Wooden
You are the author of your own life story. You can start a new chapter anytime you choose
Live your dreams – they are worth it
You are a steward of pleasure – Lisa Rabey
Do not forget your humanity – Lisa Rabey
You are not alone
Find the goddess inside yourself instead of looking for the god in someone else – Francesca Lia Block
Seduction is something that lies within us, it’s not an external appearance – Kitty Cavalier
You always have choices
You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection – Buddha
Body is a state of mind, not a state of body – Gala Darling
When we focus on other’s happiness, we forget our own
It’s not about others – it’s about you
I cannot change what has already happened
Fighting the past only bends me to my present
The present is the only moment I have control over
This moment is the result of a million other decisions
This moment is exactly as it should be, given what’s happened before it
The present moment is perfect, even if I don’t like what’s happening
We are not our thoughts
The best apology is changed behaviour
The greatest prison people live in is the fear of what other people think
Your story isn’t over yet

Die trying
Have hope
Don’t ever give up
Dream big. Dream bigger
Life is short – be happy
It’s one thing to be grateful, it’s another to let that dictate your choice
Never give up, never be lost
Love takes all and be’s all
Only you can take care of you
Love yourself and live the amazing life which is waiting for you – Gala Darling
We are all born naked, the rest is drag – Rupaul
My goal is to always come from a place of love … but sometimes you just have to break it down for a motherfucker – Rupaul
You are beautiful purely because you are hear, you exist, and you are doing the best you can – Gala Darling
Only you can save yourself
Believe in yourself. Have faith in your abilities. Without a humble but a reasonable confidence in your own powers, you cannot be successful or happy – Norman Vincent Peale
If you decide to not dream, you’re not only injuring yourself but taking away the amazing beauty from everyone else who would enjoy your dream more. It’s your responsibility to put these great things out there
Fall down seven times, stand up on eight
You are more capable than you think you are
There are no limits to dreams
Feelings are not facts – they are simply feelings and cannot harm you
Feeling stuck boils down to feeling fear – Gala Darling
Radical self-love is knowing when to get out of your own way – Gala Darling
Only you are responsible for your own happiness
Instead of asking yourself why this is happening to you, ask why this is happening for you. – Christine Hassler

Some of these quotes came from books, others were saved from the constant roll of inspirational quotes on my news feed on Facebook, and yet others I’ve randomly come across while I scour the internets for whatever.
You’ll notice some are nearly identical to the other. You’ll also notice most of them do not have citations. You’ll notice a lot of them presume everything is about a matter of choice. It doesn’t take into effect mental illnesses or issues where these mantras could do more harm then god. I was just thinking of someone who is suicidal reading a number of these as and taking their own life because these quotes seemed impossible to believe. Other times I get angry and I want to punch people in the throat because we never read discussions about the pain to get from a to z. “Only you can save yourself” sounds great in theory but in practice is too vague — too condesending — too much of a copout. To save myself is requiring lots of drug therapy and a talking therapist not a pithy statement found on a t-shirt or bumper sticker.
Some days, not so much as I did last year, I feel as if I’m one step away from hospitalization. My melt-downs are less but they still happen. The other night I woke up to pee and found myself in a state of panic so bad one hour of meditation didn’t work so I took a Klonopin and tried meditating again for another 30 or so minutes. When neither that or the Klonopin worked, I took a second pill. At some point, heart still racing, I fell asleep and slept for 10 or so hours. That following day was shot. I moved around like a zombie and the only work I could concentrate on was stuff that was not taxing to the brain. I didn’t shower but I cleaned up by putting on fresh underwear and tshirt. I washed my face. Later I brushed my teeth. Anything more than that would have been too exhausting.
I told TEH that presenting as “normal” exhausts me. Keeping it together to function outside of my safe space takes a lot of effort and control. I cannot do more than one thing a day outside of home. I had a chiro appointment and a hair appointment scheduled yesterday back to back and I called in and rescheduled both as even five hours worth of presenting was too much and it was, among other things, why I had the panic attack the night before because even the idea was too much.
TEH says, well, you’re not like this with me. Of course not. With you I can be my version of normal without the facade – there is no judgement just concern. I can sit around working on something (writing, knitting, watching a movie) without worrying of having to present myself to you as someone else. I noticed, he said, when we were out with $gameplaying couple (the woman I met at a Jane Austen society meeting), you seemed on edge and terse. Yes, I said. That’s exactly it. Finally, he understood. (They still wanted to see us after that so maybe I didn’t come off as terrible as I felt that I did.)
But sometimes you cannot articulate those feelings — I know I’ve been struggling to say here, this is what being “exhausting” means to me because on the outside, the invisible disability is just that, invisible and when you meet me, and knew nothing about this, you would think I was a charming fellow. A bit obnoxious, sure, but charming all the same and on the inside, I would be screaming.
I don’t want to be here — this place after what all has happened. Who does? My life is crippled and on hold and I bitterly laugh to myself that at 44, soon to be 45!, all the things I wanted to be and do by now seemed impossible. Not because I am not passionate enough for them but because emotionally, mentally, and yes, yes financially, they are out of reach. But, I console myself, this is all temporary. I know this is temporary. I can survive anything and by accepting this state is temporary gives me some breathing room and relief. I have no plans on killing myself, let us be clear on that, but I am in a much better state than I was a year ago and a year from now, I will be even better.
So we wonder, I wonder, what it’s like when your brain breaks and you’re picking up the pieces but we don’t talk about it. Friends don’t ask me because maybe — I don’t know, they just don’t. So, I think, it’s time for this disease to not control me, having me lying sobbing on the couch or bed, and it is time I can summon up the strength to control it.
Because fuck it, I’ve got this.

This Day in Lisa-Universe: 2016, 2004, 2001

50 Things To Do in 2016: 51 – ?

Dear Internet,
But what I need, what I believe everyone needs, is to plan for things and accomplishments in the next year. Some of them can be quite small and others can be amazingly large. One thing I totally want to kick ass at this year? Being silly. I’m goofy as hell but I need to be sillier more and t’ll help with my often crippling social anxiety. A couple of things you may also note in these lists: Nothing having to do with romance and no couple-y things. I’m on dating lockdown for at least a year. It’s all about me, baby! Here is my own 50 things to do in 2016 list,10 of which I’ll reveal over each day over the next 5 days.
In case you missed it, here is 1 – 10, 11 – 20, 21 – 30, 31 – 40, 41 – 50
The list is called 50 Things to do in 2016 and yet here is 51 on forward. Well you know, once a girl scout always a girl scout. Honestly, the biggest goal is to break out of my (self-described) shell and be sillier, more fun, and (safe) risk taking. And as I find these things I want to do, I am going to keep on adding them to the list.
50 Things To Do in 2016: 51 – ?

Color more
1. I started coloring about a year ago and fell in love. But as new hobbies come and go, this one was put by the wayside when knitting picked back up. I’ve received a number of coloring books as gifts in the last year and I like the feeling I get when I finish a page, much like finishing a knitting project. This is a wonderful self-care method.
Create a radical self-love bible
1. Christ. It’s been a solid year since I started writing about this and it’s still on my mind. I purchased Gala’s book when she self-published it last year and started to work my way through it, but, like much of the projects I’ve started, I haven’t moved forward with this at all. But the one thing I have figured out is Gala’s book, along with other similar woo-woo feeling stuff, is mostly DBT. It’s all about self-soothing, self-care, and rewiring the brain. This is stuff I need to do.
Do DBT 3x a week
1. Did DBT come first or did the woo? Probably the woo but I have books written by revered shrinks who provide the science behind the woo and call it DBT. Does it work? Yes. So why in the fuck should I care if it’s “self-radical” or “DBT”? I don’t.
Finish all the projects
1. Well, as mentioned above, I have a hard time finishing started projects. I’ve listed several of them on this list (coloring, knitting) and as individual things and this as an overall thing.
Dye hair a rad color
1. My hair has been many a rad color but usually the bangs or highlight pieces. I’m thinking I want to do an overall color. Not sure yet.
Pick up a new hobby or improve an old one
1. Part of the #54, here I want to finish a knitting project, start/finish a complicated knitting project (#10), and either move forward on improving this hobby or pick up a new one.
Be courageous
1. I know based on past events, people tend to think of me as already being courageous but I want to do more.
Try to clear out my RSS list once a week
1. I have 7500 (and growing!) articles begging to be read. With the exception of personal friends’ updates, I need to get this cleaned up.
?
?

50 Things To Do in 2016: 1 – 10

Dear Internet,
Earlier this year I wrote down 5 goals I wanted to accomplish:

Get a job and all the accouterments that go with said job
Continue on with the healthy plan
Travel more
Write more and not just in my paper journal. Write true, write what matters, write what you love.
Per the graphic, Be Fierce

A lot of these are general things already in progress (healthy plan, writing) while others, like travel more, are often planned dates and times. I’m heading to Chicago in March to be with my #cmmrb crew for C2E2 and there are some other travel plans potentially on the horizon. And I’m being as fierce as I possibly can be. Have I mentioned I’ve signed up to play ladies’ rugby? Yes. Me. Rugby.
But what I need, what I believe everyone needs, is to plan for things and accomplish in the next year. Some of them can be quite small and others can be amazingly large. Earlier this year, Gala Darling posted an illustrated list of her 50 Things Things To Do in 2016 with encouragement for her readers to use this a jumping off guide for their own list. I’m taking her challenge and decided to do my own 50 list, 10 of which I’ll reveal over each day over the next 5 days.
You may note there is far more than 50 items on my list and I’ll probably continue to add more as time goes on. Can’t hurt to over shoot!
A couple of things you may also note in these lists: Nothing having to do with romance and no couple-y things. I’m on dating lockdown for at least a year. It’s all about me, baby!
One thing I totally want to kick ass at this year? Being silly. I’m goofy as hell but I need to be sillier more. It’ll help with my often crippling social anxiety.
(I may not believe in a god, but I do believe in woo-woo. I have a close witchy friend who does tarot and spells for me and I’ve got lots of friends who are pagan and druids. Even if my belief isn’t super strong in the woo, I like having something to believe in and a lot of the list is woo-woo)
50 Things To Do in 2016: 1 – 10

See at least two music show this year
1. I used to see numerous shows a year, local and national bands, and that has petered off significantly.
Learn how to read tarot cards
1. Yes, it’s true. Mock all you want but a few days before TheEx and I split, I saw a psychic. She told me he and I were going to break up very soon (we did two days later), I was going to be married twice (one down!), and I would not have kids other than the furry kind (See.). It could all be pure coincidence but learning to read tarot is not going to hurt anyone. So there.
Write a letter everyday for a month
1. This, hopefully, will be happening during the month of February.
Wear false eyelashes for no reason
1. I’ve been told over and over again I don’t need them, but why the hell not try them for a night or two?
Volunteer time at a least one charity
1. I’ve been meaning to do this for ages, now that I’m in a city for some time, I should back up my talk.
Commit to doing something physically challenging
1. I start rugby in a few weeks. Hopefully I can keep up with it.
Read a new fiction book a month
1. The amount of fiction on my shelf and in my to read lists is staggering. Time to start cleaning that out.
Read a new non-fiction book a month
1. See fiction above.
Buy and use more scented candles
1. While gerbera daisies are my favorite, flowers make me sneeze. Here come the candles.
Knit a ~~sweater~~ something complicated
1. I need to move on from hats and scarfs. This has been going on long enough.

xoxo,
Lisa

This day in Lisa-Universe: 2015, 1999

making happy: proairesis

Dear Internet,
There are two main reasons I’m locked in my turret of sorts,

Write
Figure out what I want from life

The first goal is easy as I’ve been writing every day; the second one, not so much. As someone whose been deeply unhappy for most of her life, trying to find happiness is akin to suddenly becoming a super model. But being happy is definitely an attainable goal (Elite, call me!), but how do you do it?
I decided to research this as much as I could and apply the techniques I found useful without judgement. I had to get over my cynicism that happy people were frauds, shamans to swill their products. I wasn’t looking for a magic elixir, but there must be something that fit me, that I felt comfortable with, and could apply to my everyday life.

I’ve been following Gala Darling’s blog for a few years now; and was always curious about how she managed to have this amazing life she was sharing with the interwebs while remaining classy at the same time. Sure, there is a lot of woo-woo involved, but the one thing that hooked me into wanting to do her bootcamp, and it pleased the librarian in me, she provided sources for all of her claims. That was huge influence in pulling the trigger and moving forward with the project.
So what is Radical Self Love Bootcamp exactly? It’s a six week intensive course where three times a week she provides an essay on the theme of the week, worksheets to make that theme a habit (or to break that habit), and an interview with someone related to that theme. Because she provides sources for all of her claims, I was able to research further into what she was presenting.
I’m a bit behind in the classes, but the nice thing is I can do this at my own leisure. Additionally, much of what she’s purporting is stuff I already knew I should be doing but haven’t. Things like meditating daily, creating weekly and daily goals, doing positive affirmations. It’s all about retraining the brain, something we’ve discussed in my DBT classes. It’s about self-care, something I’m a huge fan of, and something I need to make happen.

The How of Happiness, by Sonja Lyubomirsky, was one of the titles mentioned by Darling. It provides a scientific approach to happiness and was to promote how you could change your life, aka be happy, by using scientific proven methods. Lyubomirsky has a doctorate from Harvard, and provides qualitative and quantitative research results, so this isn’t all woo-woo. Her approach is that happiness is a 40/10/50 split, which she calls the 40% solution. 50% of our happiness is set (namely environment and genetics), 10% by circumstance, 40% by intentional activity. So is it possible to change your life and happiness structure? Lyubomirsky thinks so. She provides several questionnaires used in the studies to gauge how someone is feeling and then based upon some mathematical equations, you are to work on the top matching activities. Thus, by practicing said actitives, you’re changing your 40% to make you happier.
As this book was recommended by Darling, there is a lot of overlap (Darling modifies the questionnaire and just asks you to choose what you want to work on rather than have you do some complicated maths bullshit). The book, however, I found to be a science-y version of stuff I’ve known for years – great, science has proven that happiness is attainable by using the techniques found in the 40% solution. But the problem I have with this book is that Lyubomirsky thinly veils that deprssed people can simply change their lives by following this technique. Oh she gives the standard, “Consult a clinician before starting this or any other activities, this is not medical advice, etc” but! BUT, she makes the claim that clinically depressed people were able to pull out of their depression by following her techniques. People who are clinically depressed have a chemical imbalance, you can’t woo-woo your way out of it by doing a self-affirmation every day; that’s like someone having cancer can cure it by eating chocolate. With that, I stopped reading.

Another book I found, How To Be Happy, is not actually a book on being happy, but a graphic novel about various vignettes of what could and could not be happiness. At a 149 pages, the art work is varied and persuasive. There is very little dialogue, but that doesn’t detract from the stories. For the art work and concept alone, this book is definitely checking out.
The techniques I’ve culled from my reading so far are:

Saying positive affirmations
Building a daily routine/rituals
Meditation
Building a daily/weekly ToDo list
Journaling every day

As par usual, I’ll keep everyone updated.
xoxo,
Lisa
P.S. I discovered last night that my little book is #82 in Books > Computers & Technology > Business & Management > Biographies. Huzzah!

This Day in Lisa-Universe: 2014, 2001

on making happy

Medieval Angry Birds, Add MS 42130, f. 145r; via The British Library

Dear Internet,
Now that my challenge for November of writing every day is over, I decided to start setting additional monthly challenges for myself to see how I will fare with those. For the month of December I decided I will attempt to spend most of my writing time on working out what it means to be happy, which I am sure you will agree, is no small feat. Philosophers have spent lifetimes decoding what the simple phrase “being happy” means and there is almost never any universal agreement. While I do not think I will have it figured out in 30 days, I do want to make an honest stab at what decoding it for myself entails with pure intent, without guile, and without a handful of snark.
That last bit will be hardest to overcome, I am sure.
Lest you be afraid of my cynical heart of getting in the way, I will have some help. I will be using Gala Darling’s DARE/DREAM/DO email seminar which I bought back in October and have not started yet. I do not remember how I found Ms. Darling, but I have been enamoured with her site for quite some time and appreciate how much she posits that to be happy means work. Hard work. She is not shy on giving you straight forward advice either, which also seduced me to her.
As DARE/DREAM/DO was designed to be a one a day thing, I will be tackling and writing each day individually. Since I am starting this a few days after the first of December, the DARE/DREAM/DO sequence will go over into early January.
Additionally, I will also be looking at techniques from Zen Habits. If you have been following along with my posts on minimal packing, a lot of my inspiration came from Leo Babauta. Lastly, I will be also incorporating any articles, posts, or bits that I have stumbled upon along the way and adding them into the mix.
Because I fear this will be a massive month of writing, as I also plan to do other writing on top the making happy challenge, if you’re interested in following along with me, add the Making Happy feed to your RSS reader or just click on the Making Happy tag to see what is going on and where I am at. And as always, if you have any suggestions for sites, articles, books, or something else entirely you think I should read/view/hear, please do not hesitate to get in touch.
I was partially inspired to shape this challenge by a recent blog post by Theodora Goss and wholly inspired by her entry title, because it was a kick in the pants reminder happiness does not just come to you, it has to be worked for and earned.

But I believe that happiness is different: it’s a day to day, minute by minute thing. Whether I am happy at any give moment can depend quite a lot on whether or not I am eating a cupcake. If I am eating a cupcake, I am happy. (Depending on the cupcake, of course. I mean, I’m picky.) Happiness does in fact depend on things outside ourselves, so to make ourselves happy, we need to change things outside ourselves. (At least, that’s a lot easier than just trying to be happy, which I think is a very hard thing to do. Make yourself be happy, try to produce an internal state of happiness without changing anything external . . . Much easier to buy a cupcake.) Theodora Goss

She then goes on to list the things, simple things really, on what makes her happy. After reading her post, I tried to come up with a list of things off the top of my head in the same vein and found myself struggling with that list, but here it is:

Really good, dark chocolate. Sometimes all I need is just a bite to satiate me and make me happy
A fancy bubble bath with good smelling soaps and a book to read while I soak
Watching my stock pile of Jane Austen and related movies. Fictional, influenced, blatant rip-off – doesn’t matter. My world always seems to be brighter when I spend a few hours with Jane.
Wearing something from my collection of BPAL scents. I have a few non-BPAL oils but BPAL almost always wins hands down for selection, price, and smell.
I can listen to Elbow‘s entire catalog on repeat forever and never get tired of Guy Garvey’s voice. May I present their rendition of Beyonce’s Independent Woman, as played out by kittens.
[iframe width=”420″ height=”315″ src=”//www.youtube.com/embed/zSQDR1yF3uQ?rel=0″ frameborder=”0″ allowfullscreen]
Listening to Cabin Pressure, as defined here.

Small list, but a good start.
It should be noted when I went through Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) training for my Borderline Personality Disorder, much of the training concentrates on the purpose of self-soothing techniques for when I go into crisis, of which much of that training seems I have misplaced over the last few years. So this is a good reminder to stockpile those skills because there will be a point in the future when I am in crisis again. But it is also good to have this list of happy making readily available not for when I’m in crisis, but a reminder of what makes me whole.
x0x0,
Lisa

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