Tag: Lucid

fixed memories

i fixed the links for my ‘personal’ page. so instead of looping around to this index, you actually get to see more of me. (crowd roars)
memories
i was driving into SF to pick justin up from work today, when i felt that i was in some sort of time continuum. it felt like the mere 15 minute drive was hours. i looped around downtown sf, looking for a place to park, and i felt like it was this continuous flow. i am attempting to clarify what i was feeling at the time, but it’s not quite getting there.
hrm.
i hate it when i have all this information i wanted to talk about, and it’s not coming out like i want it to.
that really sucks my dick.
fan mail
since i can’t remember, what i was thinking of, i decided to head on to another topic: fan mail.
last night, i received a few pieces of fan mail, pertaining to yesterdays entry. i was both pleased and surprised at the same time. i get fan mail, occasionally, but sometimes it’s from people who want me to find god or some shit. whatthefuckever.
both emails, which came in fairly close to each other, talked about how funny they think i am. i think “hey that’s great. i can be pretty funny.”, but, sometimes, when i’m in moods like this, it’s not about being funny but what i feel. (hey johnny, what’s it going to be?) but thanks guys for the email 🙂 you’re the reason that i write this crap (well, not the only reason, but i’m not going to start arguing with myself to get more hits.) always tell me that you love me.
memories part deux
GODDAMNIT!
i’m sitting here crawling around my desk, tearing things apart looking for my fumbling towards ecstasy cd, thinking that this would help the semi-writers block that i’m having, but i can’t fucking find it. i’ve torn apart my stereo, my roommates stereo, my cd-case, my cd holder. i know it’s not in my car. i can’t find it in my house. god damnit, thelma!
i think i’ll go do something entertaining now.
like pick my nose or something.
actually, I just found solace, so i can deal. it’s sorta jived my memory about what i was thinking about earlier (dammit i should have pen and paper always around me).

strange currencies
i was dating this psycho-wench for a while.
she absorbed everything i liked and did and
began mirroring me. all i seem to have
picked up is emoticons.
Ralph W. Middaugh, Jr

justin was dinking around his machine, and we started kissing. which lead to us fucking in the kitchen, which didn’t work too well because he is soo tall and even with me on my tip-toes, i couldn’t bend over enough for him to do me like a dog. so we commence into the bedroom, rip our clothes off and fuck like crazy. i say something like “i don’t want to hear you talk about love.” and he says “okay, i love to fuck you then.”
after we are done, and talking, he says something that sparks this weird correlation in my head.
(getting ready to run windows for the first time.)
i remembered my roommate (psycho-bitch irene) calling me when I was in pennsylvania about the fucking rent. which lead my thoughts to when i found a strand of long red hair in the towel in the person’s bathroom i was staying at. which lead me to remember phone sex. which i haven’t done in, well, probably a year. which now leads me to remember making snow angels in the front of the dorm at wilkes-barre university. which reminds me that my friend michael telling me about how his hero did the groundwork for the train between wilkes-barre and new york.
i’m in a strange mood.
i just emailed ralph and told him to entertain me.
every time i go to kiss justin, he says “now don’t bite!”.
i feel angry, sad, depressed, melancholy, aggressive, nosey.
i think i will just go watch another harrison ford movie, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom or
something. Harrison Ford was soooooooooo hot when he was young(er).
shit, this entry is worthless drivel. and it’s past midnight, so it’s the fourth already.
just fuck me running.
(in 1992, there was only 2,000 domains registered on the internet. now there is over 5 million.)

big sister is watching you

i remember the first time i got on irc. it must have been in 1994 or 1995. after several unsuccessful attempts, i finally found a channel, called #nin that i liked and was joining on odd occasions (re: when i should have been in class). one day, this character ladydeth and i were sitting around yacking, when she said something like ‘hi lisa rabey’.
i was scared shitless.
not knowing anything about the wondrous power of /whois, i had always assumed that my identity was kept secret. it wasn’t. little did i know that my info line in the /whois command provided the person loads of information, such as my ‘real name’, my ip number, and what my user id was. now obviously, this is just a scant explanation, but humor me for the moment.
i asked her (if it were really a her), how she did that. after much teasing and giggling, she showed me the ropes onto irc. several weeks later, armed with scripts and a better working knowledge of UNIX, i was safely hidden.
with the advent of kiddie-hax0rs (kids who find gui-based programs to ‘hack’), and the damn near easiness to do so, you can change your /whois identity on irc with barely a sniffle. you can fake both dns and ip numbers, change your user id (thanks to mirc), and fake just about everything there is now. i would say roughly about 80% of the population doesn’t care about this, but the 20% that does, this is helpful (if not harmful) information.
but the purpose of my discussing this isn’t to show someone how to do it, but that no matter what is said, your privacy on the internet is an oxymoron.
last night, i was talking to my friend jacob, whom i met on #easteden and whom i’ve known for about 3-4 years. while we were lamenting about how lame the web was and how lame even irc was, i decided to check out my counter states for simunye.org. while i would say overall i could give a rats ass about how many hits i get, i’m always curious as to WHO is accessing my page. since i put the link up on first domain to here, i have seen the hits go up. okay, no big deal. .com is in every fucking search engine, and i have all three domains on my .sig file. but still, i’m nosey as hell, and i wanted to know.
slip.net (also known as the fucking company i work for) offers full access to web logs, which is pretty damn cool. you download some lame program like webtrends, use it in demo mode and off you go. stats and java based information shows up and you get to see crap like what hours the pages are more accessed, and things that are not that great (like what browser/OS). i’m sure if i really gave a fuck, this would be important, but it’s not. I just want to know about the PEOPLE.
so one day, i’m hanging out at will’s page, and he has this free counter that allows you configure a lot of shit for it. you can do things like have a cookie inserted so it won’t count ‘you’ when you do the page (handy for me since I always refresh it when i’m writing it), and you could also put in a list of top 10 domains to see whose coming from what domains that would be relavent to you. so, i’m configuring the fucker, and i put in a domain of someone, who i haven’t spoken to in about 8 months.
now you would thinking ‘why would she do that?’. well simple: i’m nosey and i wanted to know if the person who basically said: “i don’t give a shit about you anymore.” was lying or not. 🙂 i always just ‘wondered’ if when people say that if they meant it. i know that i don’t (all the time, depending on the person), but that’s me and not them.
so i’m nosing around, checking out my stats. and i look. i blink several times, and say ‘holy shit!’. jacob asked me what’s going on. i give him the basic rundown, he sighs as if ‘damnit lisa, stop being so weird.’
what it was, is that one person i never though would venture to my page, ventured. i thought about why that person would, and a zillion things went through my mind. i fired up ws_ftp, down loaded the log files from simunye.com, and started manually going through them with a fine tooth comb. since the access to the log files are in ascii format, it shows up as ip numbers, and where they were referred from. so for instance if you do a search at a search engine about: +hot +big +cocks, and for some unknown reason, my page comes up in the listing and you go to my page, not only do i have the ip number you are coming in from (with handy tools such as traceroute that will allow me to figure out the isp/company that it originates from. which i could report to the isp/company with, by checking their radius logs could figure out who was on that machine/ip that particular day.), i know what browser your using, what OS and that you were at at the search engine looking for +hot +big +cocks humor me on the technicalities). i check through a few things, and yep. that person has been to the site where the lisa chronicles were originally set up, several times in the month of september.
BUSTED!
what does this mean?
actually, unless you are a freak like me, who constantly needs to know about things she really doesn’t need to know. i thought about emailing the person and saying “so, i thought you didn’t give a rats ass about me.” but then they would probably end off some long ass flame or they would ignore me.
okay, in all actuality, it begs a few questions (ones i was thinking about before i finished my smoke), and so i’m going to answer those questions now.
Lesson Learned:
The main lesson I’m stressing here is that NO ONE is ‘private’ on the internet. Sure there are exceptions, but those are few and far between. But guaranteed that if there is someone like me manually combing log files, there are people doing a search on +hot +big +cocks on altavista. So remember that when you are looking for something.
I also thought about many possibilities such as:
It possibly cannot be that person.
This is also a possibility because they are not the only ones using that particular domain. It is an ISP after all. But the chances are that is pretty slim since it is a regional ISP and I don’t know that many people (other than them) in that area using that ISP.
They are reading this now and won’t come back.
I’ve existed 26 years without them, and so I can continue living. 😉 Okay, that is rather snotty, but truth be told, this page is for me, not for them.
they are reading this and think you are even more crazy then before. doesn’t the word obsessive mean anything to you?
Erm.
Okay, it sounds obsessive, but it isn’t really. Obsessiveness would be hounding this person, by email, phone, snail mail. Hanging pictures up, thinking we are going to work things out, and all that other fun stuff. Basically anything that seems a little overboard, probably would border on obsessiveness. But truth be told, when we broke it off, it hurt. and it hurt bad. i considered this person to be one of my bestest friends in the whole world, and it hurt that we no longer even had some sort of communication level or that we were even going to be speaking anymore. i think that if anyone went through that, they would understand what i’m feeling.
but you just wrote a whole entry on the fact that you found a their domain in your web logs.
Sue me.
i think that i’m going to go away now….
okay okay look. it’s like this. certain people really dig hard into me. they strike much emotion and depth *from me* it’s frightening. i do crazy things, but it’s because i want them to know that yeah, i really dig them too. not many people do that to me. less than a handful in my whole life. this is one of those people.
i’m not going to be stupid and think that we are going to be even friends one day, because i won’t delude myself. but i guess i just wanted to say ‘you know, i miss you. i still think about you. i hope your doing okay. and i still care in some sort of capacity.’
um, sure.
okay, here is another example. when i was 19 i dated this guy, alan. we dated from the time i ws 19 till i was 21. we broke up, and i was devastated. i spent two years in grievance because of it.
last winter, i was out to dinner with my friend michael, and i saw alan’s twin in the restaurant. i thought to myself “how the hell can he be where i’m at?”. my stomach dropped to the floor and i cried all night. and it had been over four years since the break up.
even though i hadn’t even barely thought of him or what happened. it became nothing more than a dim memory. the mere site of his ‘twin’ just burst my poor heart into flames and anguish.
okay, that’s melodrama, but, you get the point. 🙂
a mind fuck game
that could very well be true. this person and i were not that hip to being completely honest with each other. it was always a struggle, and it was always exciting because of the struggle. they couldn’t conquer me and i couldn’t conquer them. that is what made it exciting. at least to me. they were my hero.
sounds like you’re in love still
what is love? but a flower blooming on stem?.. bad poetry. i don’t know what love is. but i know what i’m feeling and i know what i felt with that person. i know how that person made me feel. it wasn’t always rational, and it wasn’t always right.
the relationship, in a lot of aspects was totally unhealthy: too much fantasizing, too much projecting. too much hope. too much left unsaid.
so get over it.
hahahahahaha.
who says i haven’t? i’m not OBSESSING about him (see here), it’s just that. i always had about a 1000 different answers for everything. i just miss them. a lot. why can’t that ever be good enough for someone?
So, i could continue on with this for hours, however, Justin is waiting for me outside and it’s time to go home and do something this weekend.
Let’s just say, even if this was nothing but an over assumption of one web log, to know the possibility that person is curious enough to even venture here. well, that’s enough for me.
 
1.not really. however, this is for arguments sake, and so that i won’t spend hours arguing with myself. i want it all. i would never settle for less. but i will wait. for what i want. for the most part. just the fact alone! convinces me that even in some aspect, no matter how much you say you don’t care, you do. 🙂

shiny happy people

so i’m sitting here at work, which is constructively known as a lunch break. justin is now working the 9am-4:30pm shift as a telemarketer, and he swapped his hours to be in sync with mine. he commuted this morning with me, and this was probably the first time he had to deal with morning Bay Bridge traffic. we held hands, and joked as we slowly made our way into the city. it’s nice having him there in the morning. it doesn’t feel as lonely as it used to, when it was just me and Howard Stern/Vinnie & Sarah. I am attempting to recruit daniel from work to ride with us as well, so that we can grab the car pool lane and save $2 bucks a day. Doesn’t sound like a big deal, but, car pooling also allows us to zip past the backup at the toll booth.
Since I just got paid this past friday, it was one of the first times that i had paid bills straight after I got paid. Generally I just do things like go out and go purchase crap i think I need. I’ve noticed a trend in my spending habits, is that the more depressed I get, the more I spend on crap (does someone really need 30 pairs of shows?). Needless to say, it was weird to pay off things, and look at my pile o bills and notice they weren’t so high anymore.
however, this is not the real reason why i started writing this in the first place. this morning, my friend AntKnee, from sf-fumblers, posted this story about how he was a party this weekend, and one of his friends stopped breathing. Only one person out of the whole group knew how to do CPR, and it was frightening to realize that this was damn near an average statistic. This prompted me to write a reply to how I felt about the whole situation and general health as well.
Last night Justin and I were laying in bed, and I started to talk. I had been feeling so disassociated with everything recently, that I can’t even conjure up (or imagine to conjure up), feelings of anything else other than survival. I can’t imagine that not so long ago I was in love with Justin, and I thought the world was at my fingertips. I spoke of these things to him, and told him how I felt. Somedays I loved him more than life itself, and other days, I felt like I never loved him at all. he asked me if the later was pretty recent, and I said ‘yes, it was’. I didn’t want to say these things because i was afraid of hurting him and myself, for even when i did say them, they felt both true and false. i feel in a way that i’m living life vicariously through other people: i see what they have and attempt to emulate it to some extent. i feel detached and alone. this is not uncommon with me: i’ve felt this way before. but the difference is, that in a way, i don’t know if i want to correct or help this now. it seems to be so heavy of a burden.
but the flip side is, i look at my life within the next 10 years, and i see myself still working for a start-up company, where i’m not making that much money and i’m living with justin hand to mouth every month. i don’t want to live my life like that. it frightens me that i can and would become something like that.
not so long ago, i had these ideals of how life, to me, was supposed to be. it represented this sort of nuance i felt that very few people had or would want to have. this feeling of ‘something’, that can’t be explained and that when i attempted to explain it, would become more of a choked up answer than a reality.
i remember once, jeff and i were talking on the phone. i think it was the first phone conversation we had. i remember talking about this feeling of a ‘whore’ that i felt, that because i couldn’t connect with anyone on any sort of level, that my ability to move from one relationship, almost effortless, raised a few eyebrows. jeff said ‘i know what you mean’, or something like that. i remember leaning back on my bed, closing my eyes and sighing deeply, because for that one moment, i felt okay. one other person in this whole fucked up world could feel what i felt, and i didn’t feel so alone anymore.
sometimes i miss that feeling. and i have had to think about what was it that i missed? did i miss him? did i miss what we ‘had’? did i even love ‘him’? i realized, i missed that feeling of feeling ‘okay’ even for a short while. i didn’t love jeff zapotoczny as himself, i loved the idea of what he was in my mind. parts of me loved what he represented to ‘me’ on other levels. i don’t know if i ever loved ‘him’ to begin with. so much was wrong that i simply ignored it, and thought i could accept it.
the irony is that, now, nearly two years since it began, and nine months after it ended, i feel nothing that would construe as what i felt before. time heals all wounds. time allows you to forget. but time also makes you remember those painful times when you don’t want to.
to justin’s credit, i feel some of those same things i felt with jeff. the analogy, which includes all my past lovers as well, is like a birthday candle: it lights quickly and burns for a short amount of time before dying out. with justin, it’s like those endless flame birthday candles: it lights up, dies and comes back to life again.
i wish life wasn’t so complicated, as to that i feel like everything was happening without me. i wish that i could not be in ‘pain’, for whatever pain it is, so that i can enjoy what i have. justin says, that because of who i am, nothing is going to be easy. and i suppose on some levels he is right, but it would be nice to know that for one day, everything can be okay.

champagne wishes and caviar dreams

Something felt amiss today.
I wasn’t sure what it was, and I am pretty sure it wasn’t my new schedule. I checked my credit cards, my keys, my smokes. I felt like something was not necessarily missing, but out of place, but, I wasn’t sure what it was.
I flipped through my day planner (what a joke! I last used it back in June), and took a look at birth dates, and realized that Jeff turned 22 a few days ago.
I remember last year, I became totally egotistical and sent him some cheesy e-card, in which I signed it “To Roark (insert crap here), Love Dominique”.
Not only how fast a year goes by, but how endless it seems to feel.
Next weekend is Def Con, and I am not going. My plans with people (who won’t be named) to take down se7en still has not been put into effect yet. Really though, it won’t be that hard. Nothing more than the over 200 emails I saved from our “courtship” (ha!), that pretty much show that everything he’s told me, the world, dc-stuff, was a lie. Reminds me, I have to call UCLA tomorrow.
Justin has a sprained ankle, the poor baby. I’ve been stuffing him with lime sherbert and pineapple juice whilst I do this page. He keeps attempting to hobble to the kitchen, and I won’t let him. 😉 Isn’t that what gf’s are for? 😉
A couple of days ago, I was actually browsing the web aimlessly (I don’t do that much anymore), when I found this article by C/Net about the review of the four big ISP’s. What a fucking joke, because it lists AOL as #1, when AOL is really an OSP (on-line service provider) not an ISP. Gawd!
You are probably wondering, why does this piss you off? Well, it’s pretty simple actually. I’ve been working in the Internet industry for about 3.5 years now, and no matter where I go, and what I do, it seems that there is nothing but miscommunications about what is ‘correct’ and what is ‘incorrect’. For instance, didja know that the Internet actually consists of more then WWW? Yep! I know it’s hard to believe, but the Internet (which was started as ArpaNet), has been around since the late 60’s, and it is actually comprised of seven protocols: IRC, FTP, News, Email, WWW, Telnet and I think Gopher is the last one. I always forget the last one! Anyway, people always assume that the WWW is the Internet, and that is it! And see, it goes without saying, that this is why I was ticked off about C/Net’s article. AOL provides majority of their services in-house, therefore, they are an On-line service provider. It was not till recently that they actually gave out Internet connectivity, and the amazing thing is that their programs (email and ftp) are so arcane and antiquated, that they are worthless. Might as well teach people command line and get it over with.
Which won’t happen, but a girl can dream can’t she?
A few days ago, a friend of mine on the email list, sf-fumblers, wrote about how Random House has put up the 100 best books of the 20th century, inviting readers to also submit their favorites. While the Readers Best constantly changes, I was amused a few days ago when I Want To Blow Monkeys by Ayn Rand was listed as number 6. heh. I hate Any Rand. Geez. The woman stole the plot line of Gone With The Wind from Mitchell. She was not creative at all. 😉
However, since I have been checking the list a few times a day, I decided that my new project (and Justin agreed) was to read all 100 books on the list, and some of the ones off the Readers Pick. It is easier than it looks, as I have already owned or read about 25% of those authors, so I think that since I’m not in school, I might as well edubacate myself.