at approximately 11:17pm last evening, i slammed a nail into the wall.
we all clapped our hands in glee.
when i first had moved into our apartment, we had no furniture. paul wasn’t moving in for a few more months and all that we did own was a bed and two 8′ tables that were stored for computer use. the living room, 20’x16′, was utterly and completely empty.
i heard everything my neighbors were doing downstairs. i heard them yell, cry, scream, fuck, throw parties. some nights i couldn’t sleep because i kept hearing her obvious love cries as he shoved his manhood down her tight love snatch.
i was not a happy camper.
thanksgiving weekend paul had come up to survey his new kingdom. as we had invited friends over to partake in our domestication, we heard banging on the floor. it was those crazy russians banging on their ceiling to get us to shut up. 8 people sitting around a table drinking and playing card games made them nervous. the hubby came upstairs and started screaming at paul. it was 8pm in the evening.
the following business day, i had gone down to the renters office to complain. here i am, a single girl living solo until the man of her dreams moves in and i have to deal with these morons and their high sex pleas every night.
they had beat me to it and complained to to the office about US. i laughed. the rental assistant (named appropriately lisa) told me that she knew they were crazy. she had lived below them for years and knew about their loud parties, their fights, and everything else. she offered to mediate and go talk to them and explain about how unreasonable they were being. later that afternoon, paul and i were taking a nap when someone pounded on the door. it was the crazy russian wife bearing cookies. since we were starving and feeling apologetic we made peace. later that night i got sick from said cookies and paul laughed. it figured, did it not, that their peace offering made us sick.
in the later months, as paul and i started to accumulate furniture, we really didn’t hear from the crazy russians again. one night they threw a hissy fit because i was putting together the teevee stand but it has been relatively quiet.
until recently.
we noticed that they were arguing more and stuff was being moved. a hand dolly had stood outside their door and on this past tuesday morning as i walked by their apartment door, i looked (i’m nosey) and saw that it was wide open. the apartment was empty. paul, who works from home, told me that while i had been at work they had moved all their things out.
they were gone.
paul and i rejoiced over this and secretly believe that our own love cries drove them out of the apartment. maybe they split up or maybe they found a house. who knows, who cares.
now all we have to do is get rid of the mcse across the hall who keeps trying to throw his garbage by our front door and we’ll be set.
x0x0x0x
lisa
Tag: Relationships
not justin
to “not justin”:
i don’t know who you are — but you are giving me the willies. please stop attempting contact with me and please stop sending emails telling me i’ve dumped my dream guy. the past is over and done with and i’m very much in love with paul.
thank you and have a nice day.
fsck me
my plates came in.
i’m so surprised that the state of virginia allowed me to have the plate “FSCK ME”. There were bets going around due to the fact that a friend of ours who wanted “FSCK” was denied due to it’s implications (supposedly). I am now a “Linux Pronstar”. bow down before me for i give good head.
make it stop
i don’t know what it has been lately, but i’ve been feeling like two separate people are living inside of my body. the other day i got so angry on the way home from work that if someone was in the car with me (which they weren’t), i would have killed them. i don’t know why i was angry or why i would have killed them but the rage in my head is driving me insane. now i’m not talking about just straight off pms, this is much much worse. i have had to start taking walking breaks at work because when i get an email from a customer that sounds scratching (even if it really wasn’t), i have to walk away from the situation to see if i am feeling any better.
chances are, i am and i do. but that doesn’t stop making it less scary. i’m not quite sure what i’m going to do now — i’m thinking it’s the new birth control pills but it may not be. but they found me to be healthy.
supposedly.
back to square one.
x0x0x0x
lisa
river
i had spent most of the night crying.
it started when paul and i had gotten into an argument earlier this evening and had escalated when we were sitting opposite of each other on the couches. i was staring at the edge of the coffee table like it was the most interesting thing in the world.
closed.
you don’t talk to me.
you say more on your website than you do to me.
i’m never leaving you.
your problems.
you only hear what you want to hear.
at one point during all of this i had shoved down my shorts and panties, and pulled up my shirt and screamed “i am a woman” as paul claimed i was “being a woman”. (that got a raised eyebrow out of that little stunt).
and we sat and talked.
the same words reverberated over and over.
closed.
you don’t talk to me.
you say more on your website than you do to me.
i’m never leaving you.
your problems.
you only hear what you want to hear.
over. and over. and over.
i sniffled through the rest of the night though other things were going on. packing for paul’s trip to boston. folding laundry. eating dinner. aimless viewing webpages and talking to various people on aol im.
once we had climbed into bed and finished reading my book, paul climbed in being all snugly and cute. and he was tired. we have to get up at 4:45am to make his flight to boston.
———-
when i was about 7 or 8, i remember helping my mom fold the laundry. we had such a large family, that laundry was a daily chore. down to the basement to the washer. up to the kitchen to the dryer and then onto the dining room to be folded. and i remember one time i had gotten the gumption to defy my mother. i had asked her something. i don’t remember what it was pertaining to, but she looked at me and had said “stop trying to manipulate me. this is the way it is.”
all my life people have, in one form or another said that i have manipulated them. and the way i’ve always seen it was that when someone manipulates someone, it’s a conscious decision. they are thinking about some potential harm or evil they want to do to said manipulator. but i’ve never thought that. my mind is blank, as it was this evening when paul asked me to talk. i don’t feel anything pressing in my head to speak. it’s just blank. i just stared at the table edge and the sole of my feet as it were the most interesting things in the world.
i suppose, there is some truth to the matters at present. and presently i don’t feel anything. it’s like i’m going through the motions of life: i have a wonderful boyfriend, a wonderful job, we live in a beautiful area in an awesome apartment and i don’t feel like it’s special.
i don’t think about things, i just do them. i don’t mind fuck people, i just tell them what i feel. i don’t manipulate people because i have nothing to gain from said manipulation. but if the populous is right, than i must be wrong.
bare feet
have this passion for not having bare feet. which is strange because there was a time not so long ago that i could stand to have anything on my feet, cloth or leather wise. maybe i’ve always been paranoid about the fact that i have butt ugly feet or that i have cracked dry skin from said adventures. regardless, now i’m on this whole “feet can’t touch the ground kick” and i had slid off the fuzzy purple slippers and felt the carpet below. it was so…
soft.
the cure is blaring into my ears via my headphones, paul’s happily watching rasslin and i’m so relaxed that i’m about to fall asleep.
which i will as paul and i were up all night fucking and talking. so i only got about 2 hours of sleep 🙂
night.
penderbrook ho’
today was damn strange.
first derrick calls up and wants to go to 7-11, which ended up with us going to tower records (i’ve dropped more money at tower than i would care to think about), 7-11, subway, gas station, 7-11 again. Yes, we went to two separate 7-11s. Why you may ask? BECAUSE THE FIRST ONE DIDNT HAVE COKE SLURPEES! i mean, coke slurpee is the STAPLE of my diet. and how could they NOT carry it? It’s like when dayan and i were driving from Atlanta on route 58 cross the bottom of Virginia and saw a 7-11 beckoning in the distance. We were both craving slurpees like a mofo, had to pee and i was running out of smokes. And you know what? The damn store was CLOSED! Dan was lucky enough to be a guy and take a whiz behind the garbage cans, but, i had to wait till i got to our destination. and it was raining. did i mention that part?
i need to stop with the non-sequiturness (if there is such a word).
[I had tried to convince Derrick that I needed to go to Safeway, but that was a no go.]
Later on in the evening, Corey IM’s me and says that he needs motivation for him to go shopping. I said sure. I wanted out of the house. It was beautiful today (damn 82 degrees out while it was snowing last weekend) and I wanted to pick up a few things I couldn’t get earlier. That was another trip where i came lugging more crap upstairs (flowerflowerflowers) for Paul to make dinner.
I was beginning to feel like the standoff girlfriend: someone that single guys want to do stuff with without having a real girlfriend (i mean, paul supplies all my needs. heh) so they don’t have to do anything special. It was just funny to me (i guess you had to be there) that i could get anyone to go to the store with me other than Paul.
morning of the 17th
it’s somewhat early morning of the 17th and after sleeping for only about three hours (if that!), i’m finding that i’m not all that tired. i had just gotten out of the shower and had some extra time so update we go.
i loved last night.
after everyone had left, and i was getting frustrated trying to work out more stuff (verbosity, another journal i’m doing a kick off, another project, paul’s taxes, etc.); paul and i had hit the sack at around 3am. paul was laying in bed while i was folding laundry and putting it away when paul asked me “why do you act different around me than you do when you are alone?” i didn’t know what he had meant, honestly (though i did have some vague idea) and asked him to explain. he said that i had two routines: pauly routine (when i’m around him) and lisa routine (when i’m with other people or when i’m alone). he said it was like this fine line that i cross when i’m around him that provoked me to eat, walk, read and do different things than when i was alone. i had never really thought that i was actually changing myself when i was around him but after he gave a few specific examples, i could see how he could see that.
after folding his tshirts and putting them away, i climbed into bed and we talked until nearly dawn about me, our relationship, compromise, and other fun stuff. i love it when we talk like this. i know paul’s big worry is that i don’t open up to him (and this is true as i’ve realised with him that i guard myself well) and that all the things that make life enjoyable between two people i was missing out on. i could see his point and felt something click inside. for you see, as much as paul and i banter and argue (and people fear it when we get angry with each other — really), i can’t imagine opening up to everyone else but him. it’s strange for me to think, that we are going to get married and that i’ll soon meet his parents. the big deal when i’m around him, and the part that he maybe doesn’t understand, is that i feel incredible vulnerable when we are together. since we live and play together, i can see why in a way i was feeling so depressed in the last few weeks. the reality that this is coming true keeps smacking me in the face and instead of enjoying the time i have with him, i’m making myself more miserable in the process with thoughts and ideas that don’t really belong here. there is no way i would give paul up. it’s just not happening.
i realize now that one of the things that i as a person have to work on is joining the two routines together and making them one. i had explained to paul last night that one of the nicknames i had acquired in high school was “chameleon” due to the fact that i could blend in and change without seeming phoney. it was not something that i did consciously, it just happened. paul pointed it out more so when he noticed that my musical tastes had changed from more indie/industrial to power pop (which, in my behalf isn’t true. the eels, lincoln, belle and sebastian, also guster tend to fall into the indie range than power pop, but i’m sure dayan would disagree). i had argued that Travis sounded much like radiohead and echo and the bunnymen than power pop.
moving right along with the point here, love takes work. i don’t know who cooked up the idea that love was everything roses and easy to understand and simple, but it’s not. it takes work for two people to make an honest go of a relationship and figure out what they want from each other. i expressed a lot of fears last night to him, concerns and worries that came from both sides about where this relationship is going that i hadn’t felt like discussing with him until he brought up. i know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that paul is the one for me. it’s just a hard fact to swallow (though when he had said this, i mentioned coyly that he wasn’t hard to swallow).
waiting for bob
on that note, my friend doug does the writing for a really good comic called waiting for bob. they did a poll last week on what was the worse thing about the 80s and i got mentioned on their front page for my email that stated “everything about the 80’s ruled. you are all smoking crack”.
doug and i want to know if anyone has made it over from WFB to me, so if you have, can you drop me an email and let us know.
and one final note:
the most popular place on my site is the pr0n section.
damn pervs.
x00x0x0x
lisa
mommy
i got a letter from my mother today. i’m not quit sure what to say considering i have not spoken to her in nearly a year. i have yet to read the letter though paul keeps pushing me to do so , thinking it would be good for me. however, i haven’t and he can’t read her chicken scratch so i’m leaving it at that for some time now.
quickie
- the poll i did a few days ago on the design of the site rendered that everyone who emailed me (even non-subscribers, i was touched) said that the splash page idea was evil (if it is so evil, why do people keep doing it?) and that i need to update more. since i’m on the writing streak, i’m not having issues with the later or the former, but i’m finding myself stuck with design ideas. anyways, so that was interesting (which also helped in the ideas of doing the uber secret project being launched may 1, 2000 :).
- a bug in the ios in SoCal rendered modgirl.net helpless today. Not my fault, not Moe’s fault and not anyones fault. Even though we were done for some considerable time. if you tried last night and were having issues, moe fucked up apache.conf and almost lost my website. moe also set up aimee for me as she kept losing her webspace.
- pauls talking to himself. someone help. he and corey sat around the apartment being geeky, singing “lisa lisa the one i adore” and basically being idiots.
- have i mentioned recently that i’m really bitchy and i’m about ready to rip someone’s head off and i can’t find a plausible action? to make it easier on my and everyone else, those who drive me insane have been put on my perm ignore list on irc. i know how can one let text get to them. i’ve been irc’ing since 1994 or something silly like that. ANYWAY, that isn’t the point. everyone is sick of me being angry, including paul and ESPECIALLY me.
- Amazon.com is fucking down. bastards. how dare they do this to me. Anyways, books and cd’s recently bought:
- The Eels “Electro Shock Blues”
- The Eels “daisies of the galaxy”
- belle and sebastian “tigermilk”
- travis “the man who”
- lincoln “lincoln”
- and three new books. all of this will soon appear in the reviews section this weekend.
i can’t take feeling like this right now. i’m going to bed.
night.
it’s snowing!
and it was 80 and sunny at high noon today.
paul and i were both incredulous about this until our friend and neighbor corey IM’d me and told me that it was freaking snowing outside. We knew the weather had changed as Paul and I had started leaving the house earlier this evening with garbage and plans to go out grocery shopping. Upon seeing the rain that was heavily pouring down, we immediately dropped the bags of garbage outside by the front door and just decided that going to dinner seemed like a better option.
and it’s five am.
poop.
i’ve spent the better part of our evening doing web design. excuse me, reading about web design and seeing what i could come up with on my own site. I had decided that since i had a super sekret project coming up on May 1st that I would spend some quality time reading crap on the web and getting a feel for the competition as it were. The really funny thing is that every so often, I’ve gone on rampages about online journals because they are always these increasingly similar design (valley of the online journal dolls) aspects with little content. I actually, swear to christ, found a webpage where a woman wrote down exactly what she did everyday. Like “I slept until noon. then i read. then i went to the store. then i came home and took a shower.” i mean, entry after entry of crap like that. The funny part was, i was so enthralled (admonished? scared? rubbernecking?) that i read about three months worth of her entries. I was bored shitless, but i still read them.
another ironical thing is that i remember talking about way back when that there was some pretty designs out there and i would get into a fit because i couldn’t come up with anything worthwhile in my opinion (though, Mike did come up with a sweet design for me nearly a year ago and i kept that (though revisioned it) over that period. But i need something new. So TADA! here it is.
Poll question: Would you prefer to read a journal that had a spiffy splash page and then a link to it or something where the content was ever changing?
see, i’m torn. i don’t know what to do. people i’ve talked to have said that the the changing content on the front page kept them there. no one likes a splash page anymore i guess. One of these days I’ll get creative enough to do something other than my 2-3 frame deal (you try managing nearly a 100 text files and tell me how you like it), but until now, it’s gotta be simple and to the point. so please. someone let me know. a few 100 of you freaks read this damn thing so fucking kick me some damn email about it.
planetary alignment
it’s been one of those weeks.
i should have known by the fact that i haven’t gotten up on time all week, or the fact that paul’s been walking around the house growling or the fact that everyone and their brother has just been downright nasty. i wish i knew what it was — it was not me dropping eggs or anything emotional/physical, but it has warranted enough attention due to the fact that paul and i have been at each others necks all week. his work stress, my work stress, other stress. friends in need, friends in deed. planning for the future, meeting his parents. life in general. death. chaos.
i’ve been doing a lot of thinking about that recently. as it would seem, pauls old roommate actually went and got hitched this past week (which, while it was both a surprise and a shock, i do wish them well, i just still think they got married for the wrong reasons), and i know of several other couples who will be taking the plunge at some date, and then i start thinking “how do I know if paul is the one?” and the funny thing is that i just do know. I mean, yah, some days I want to wring his neck but the anger subsides and we are back to smooching again (note to self: keep laptop out of server room. no work is being done with paul rolling his chair over every five minutes for his gratuitous grope ;). I know that we are the amusement to our friends: when we have our tiffs, we have our tiffs. And there have been several times when we have blown up in front of company (more my fault than his as i’m always looking for a fight some days), but the good times far out weigh the bad and the bad times or tiffs are so few and far between i don’t think anything about it. but it’s scary. thinking that i will be spending the rest of my life with paul (well, paul has said that i’ve swallowed the receipt. 30 is fast approaching me and am I really ready to be settling down?)
The answer is a resounding yes.
i’m up! i’m up!
it’s 1pm.
i stumbled into bed this morning about 6am — and i would have stayed up if it weren’t for the fact that paul had said that I was going to bed whether I liked it or not. At 4 AM we had gone and done a dunkin donut run (our weekly ritual) and we had both gotten cawfee drinks. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to sleep anytime soon, but somehow i found myself walking into the bedroom, taking my contacts out and hopping into bed.
Paul and i have been having these strangest arrangement in regards to our sleeping habit. Both of us have our little rituals we must complete before going to bed, but had found that the way we sleep ended up with our backs to each other instead of us facing each other. When we had swapped sides of the bed, I found that not only was I sleeping WORSE but that I wasn’t getting up on time (alarm was on pauls side now), I couldn’t hear the phone half the time and Paul was stealing the covers MORE SO than before. We kept going around and around on this and finally last night was the last night we slept in that fashion. While it may seem silly to you, the funny thing is (as paul pointed out) that our bodies are conditioned to sleep in specific ways and if you change that way, it disrupts your sleeping habits. I hadn’t really thought about it too much until, again, paul and I had switched.
because every other time we have stayed up late on the weekends and not gotten up till 4-5 PM, i made paul set the alarm for noon giving us a good 6 hours of sleep. And of course, I’m the only one who heard it and got up (well, paul heard it too, as he kept slapping the snooze button every nine minutes). and so now i’m up, it’s 1PM and it’s sunny out and currently 50 degrees outside. and for some reason, my new cawfee cup from starbucks keeps making snap/crackle/pop! noises.
declined
actual statement from a bank on declining me for a credit card:
“we’ve determined that you have sufficient balances on existing revolving credit lines.”
does this make sense to anyone else?
i don’t see how a company can determine that a household with over 6 figure income feel that 1500 credit balance is “sufficient.”
i just find that to be incredibly funny.
last night, while i was beating my laptop for being such a piece of shit, paul decided to go ahead and pull up my credit report. It seems that equifax will for a low price of 8 dollars give you access to your most recent report. Checking i found that everything in the last two years was pretty darn spotless (no late 30,60 or 120 day reports, no judgements, no nothing). It was the stuff in the early 90s that’s killing me. But what was also interesting is that equifax has the wrong address, wrong birthdate, and a bunch of wrong information about me.
we had had a big discussion with friends about this on Saturday night when we were all sitting around watching kung fu madness. it seems incredulous to me (and paul and derrick and everyone else) just how hard it was to get credit these days. in the early 90s, when i was in my late teens, early 20s; you could walk into any department store and get a credit card and you were virtually on your way. Now, we are discovering with Paul, with /no credit/ file is just as bad as having bad credit. We can’t get him anything: not a gas card, department store card, hell not even a best buy card. he gets declined more often than I do. I told him what we needed to do, and what we are doing, is to get him on on the cards I have that is unsecured but has a high interest rate. he can use this card for all of his spontaneous shopping purposes (as well as finally send me flowers at work 🙂 without having to bug me about it.
i’m pretty happy with my current credit file save for the older and mis-information on it. I’ve worked my ass off to make sure that everything was set up correctly for it so that I wouldn’t have issues matters and concerns about the credit reports when i wanted something (a new car, new house, new body, whatever). my project this week is calling companies that show that i owe money and make a deal: you send me a letter stating that you will remove my bad credit statement from my record and you’ll get your money. sounds good to you? sounds good to me.
brotherly love
my brother, all 7’4 of him, will be flying into DC this upcoming it was an impromptu flight as we had been talking about him coming here for spring break, but it was all dependant if his basketball team won their last game before the playoffs. he wins, he’s got tourneyments to play in. he loses, he is coming to DC. since it was such a late date at getting him a ticket, the price was sorta high (and my brother has the misfortune to live in bfe Illinois where he’s too far to get a plane out of a major city) but well worth it in the end.
i haven’t seen him in nearly two years. i can’t wait.
this magic moment
we had a dozen people over at our house this past Saturday night for “Kung Fu Madness” in which we sat around eating Chinese food and watched bad kung fun movies. since we had stipulated that everyone be gone by 3am, we then carried the party out to denny’s where we sat talking about geeky stuff, while i read the USA Today from that weekend and party goers for Mardi Gras were stumbling in at all hours. As we got dropped off by our friends Lenny and Sunni in front of our apartment complex, paul had asked me if we had checked the mail for Saturday since we hadn’t we started walking towards the clubhouse to get said mail. Paul suddenly called out “sweetie” and as I turned around he jumped up in the air, literally clicked his heels and started singing “chim chimney” from Mary Poppins. It was then that I confirmed what I always knew: I’m going to marry this man.
I had related this to Paul last night when I was sitting here waiting for my windows laptop to stop being pissy (spent nearly 3 hours fixing various problems to get it working — don’t say a word). he looked at me like i had told him that i was insane as if that one defining moment was strangely the reason why i would marry him — and not any other particular moment. what can i say? it’s the little things that mean a lot.
this morning i woke up with him making me breakfast (which we shared while sitting in bed) and singing an elton john song as he brought it in. i giggled as he did this and look over to my left as he sits on the couch working on his laptop (his and her laptops — how wrong is that?). i love paul. i’m in love with paul. those defining moments which last mere seconds is what defines it for me.
x0x0x0x0x0x
moi
hope floats (well sorta)
it’s mid afternoon here outside of DC and I just got done watching a horrid yet true to somewhat life movie hope floats. i think i may have mentioned this piece of tripe before — I’m drawn to it like flies to shit. there are several points here that i guess i have been reminded of: sandra bullock carries a silver lunch pail which prompted me to carry my own box, harry connick jr is always a hottie and well, that’s about it.
but what i think the thing is (other than beating this piece of shit laptop into submission) there has been these re-occurring themes in my life as of late.
lately i’ve been having some major moral issues primarily with relationships and my own relationship with paul. for the last few nights i’ve been watching teevee and of course there is a dating channel. i’ve also been helping a friend of mine write a personal ad for yahoo personals. the thing i’ve been noticing very heavily is the sheer amount of people who are cheating on their spouses. the more I read and the more i watched, the more disgusted i feel.
now, i’ve argued for both polyamory and monogamy for eons. but the thing that irritates me the most is that just the sheer number of people who are so willing to cheat on their partner. i don’t understand this. call me silly, but it’s like what the fuck are you getting married for if you are going to be cheating on your spouse anyways?
now, i know people get all riled up about this. i don’t love them anymore, what about the kids? what about my life, etc. first off, staying married for the sake of the kids is a weak excuse. I’m reminded of my friend dave whose recently been dating a married woman who is not only older but has two kids. dave himself just came out of a serious relationship that was bordering on getting married, girl breaks up with him and he falls into the relationship with this married chyk — and it’s like i want to beat him upside the head. yah, it’s none of my business but it’s like i just feel like he’s going to get hurt in the long run.
i had with shelly last night in discussion about her ex boyfriend boobie. She said that a whole little of something was better than a whole lot of nothing — which she quoted from some kind of wonderful.
see, i don’t agree with that either. i would rather be alone sitting in my apartment eating kozyshack pudding and drinking diet mt.dew than to be with someone for all the wrong reasons.
the one thing i adore about paul is his strong sense of ethics and morals.
i just called paul and got his voice mail.
i miss him right now more than anything.
3.5 days and the boy is mine forever.
and this is where paul and i come into this whole shindig.
paul and i have been going over everything as of late, and mainly about how we feel for each other. paul feels that his relationships always die after a year for whatever reason — but he’s also said that they have felt doomed from the start. and he says that with me he doesn’t feel that. that he’s made promises in the past in good faith only to be screwed over by that person(s) — which sounds like me: i’ve been told promises only to have been fucked over by said person who promised me said things.
i think the crux of that is that in the past, we want to so believe what we are being told is true: but feelings and people do change. this isn’t something we always want to admit and it’s not something we always want to believe. and i think my problem has always been that i could never ever really believe in the person i was with and when things didn’t work out, i always took things emotionally to a new level. but i just knew, knew that paul was the one for me. sometimes he hates hearing it even though he needs that kind of reassurance like i do.
i watched a cheesy movie Christmas eve about a woman who no longer believed — in anything. yah it was really cheesy premise : basically her “inner child” came out and of course at the end of the two hour flick (on Lifetime no less) everything worked out fine.
but basically, it got me thinking about me and paul. see, we’ve been having conversations as of late about being in love. we know that we are in love, we want to be together, but all this crap that is basically baggage from our past has been creeping up and onward. this is not to say that we are breaking up, not getting married or anything negative. what it is to say that we are both scared shitless of the future.
paul said something to me the other day that i’ve always believed myself: don’t just tell me you love me, show me you love me.
see, i’ve been saying that for years personally. that’s one of the reasons why i have “issues” with gifts: people tend to buy me gifts because they are incapable of showing feeling. goes back to having daddy send me a few hundred dollars to make up for time he couldn’t be with me. which only made things worse you know. spend a lot of money on me but don’t spend time with me. what kind of lesson is that to learn?
paul and i have long known we had “issues,matters and concerns” in a lot of things that have to do with us. it’s not bad things, just things that were problematic in the past with past loves and things we don’t care to repeat with each other. things we have been working on together to make us stronger as a couple. people have been saying for months how they wished they were in a relationship similar to what paul and i have — and to that i don’t know what to say. i think it’s great that people think we have something special (which we do) but the trials and tribulations of coming together — and to this point have been hard. i don’t think that with everything we have gone through to get where we are now would be so easily accepted by just anyone.
watching those cheesy movies all weekend made me realize i did believe in paul and i do believe in us. i can’t remember the last time i felt this strongly about someone or the fact that i want to live my life with someone such as paul. he’s a very special person and compliments me in so many ways. I’m excited about the prospect of being with him, falling in love with him all over again every day and knowing that my own faith, in him, in myself, and in us will help not only me but us become stronger both as a couple and induhvidually.
i love you pauly. you are always mein gott.
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lisa
starry night
for the last 8 months or so I’ve been dying my hair “raven mist” which is basically a deep dark black-ish red. i really adore the color, but it wasn’t till recently that i noticed that i had three shades of colors in my hair: my roots were black. then about 2 inches would be this reddish tinge and the rest of my hair was black. it looked like that i had this ring of red through my head which made for interesting results — but what surprised me was that when seeing how long my roots were, it was nearly 2 inches and i had just done my hair before I left VB a six weeks ago.
so whilst i was shopping last night for groceries, i decided that i had wanted to re-dye my hair. mainly because the red halo was kind of annoying and that i wanted a change. I’m sick to death of dying my hair red, because it ends up fading and looks too brassy. and the true fire engine red color that i did want is too harsh to do on my hair. so i opted for “starry night” which claims to be “shiny black” — and my hair is finally all one color. i can’t tell the difference other than I’m now one color instead of three. but i like it. and no one noticed. it’s not a majorly drastic change but it’s still a change. and it’s something new. 🙂
not like you can tell in the damn cam. seeing as it’s “Lisa und Paul Noir” and its black and white. Paul is talking about changing the cams in the house to be color. that will be coming up soon — i think probably within the next month or so. We are planning on taking geek-haus completely live complete with archives and crap. that should be damn interesting to see.
horoscope for: 12.13.99
Gemini:
Pack your bags and be ready for last-minute invitations for travel. You may be tapped for sudden fame and find yourself in the limelight. Groups, friends, and organizations may tap you for a leadership position. Partnership may catapult you into the spotlight, with newspaper coverage, interviews, and exciting new propositions for opportunities at a distance or in another country. Be ready for almost anything. A powerful new lifestyle is just around the corner.
[yah sure right! hahahahaha]
blasphemous rumors
there has been a long standing argument, at least with me and with others, about how to treat IRC. Some people say that IRC is just text and that most of what is being said is bs. And for the most part that’s true. But (and I say but! here folks), what if you are part of a community of people are are interacting for the most part with them daily, things do arise. rumors, speculation, gossip: for the most part, this is normal and generally harmless. and this can be applied to any medium: personal life, internet life, work, what have you.
today i was sent a private message from Paul’s roommate who happens to be friends with a certain female on the channel. this female has had a long history of instigating and spreading malicious bull not just about me but about several (and I do mean several) other more regular channel goers. if it’s not one person, it’s another. one time she took the intitative on privately messaging me a conversation between her and another channel regular about: me. And i didn’t understand why she did this since it was pretty rude comments from the person she was speaking to.
the private message i got from Paul’s roommate was way out of line: both by him and by the female in question. i had had it up to here with people such as her spreading bullshit rumors about me (and other people) for no other reason than because of jealously and maliciousness on their part.
the thing that gets my goat is the ‘why’ of this whole business. i really hate HATE people who are two faced and talk behind other peoples back — especially when it’s unfounded. there is no reason why except out of pure pettiness this has to continue.
for the last week or so, people have been privately messaging me about the female in question asking me what was her deal. most of these came from newbies who have just recently joined the channel and were curious as to why this hellcat was all loose. i just explained that for the most part, that she blows a lot of hot air and to ignore her. some were feeling defensive because the female in question would attempt to rip apart the person a new asshole, publicly, for no reason.
and it’s not just this one person, it’s been several. it seems the more concrete my relationship with Paul is and the happier I get, the more people wish to tear it down. I will never ever understand this petty jealousy and nor will i feed into it.
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