les jared was an old friend of mine from college.
les and i formed an unlikely friendship while we were both working on the Collegiate, our college newspaper. We had so many things in common as well as both being whacked out by THE MAN.
Once we had left college, Les went on to work for GR Press (local rag) doing freelance work and I moved to SF. In the past, Les and I had both talked about moving to New York and settling in some walk-up flat in Greenwich Village and working our asses towards working for The Voice. This never occurred, obviously.
Les and I also had this very low-key sexual attraction going on. I found out later that he had this big crush on me — which I had not known about — but I had decided not to play against it as we were so close as friends. The really funny thing was that once I had found out I was leaving, I also found out that Les had met a girl. He told me all about her — she was just like me.
He was in love and I was happy for him and we promised to keep in touch — but I never heard from him again.
It’s been over two years now and looking back within the last year the wonderance of what happened to Les Jared has been bothering me. My impression was that he and the girly girl were moving in together and were talking about marriage. When I was last back in GR, I had asked my friend Adam to do some searching for me and see what’s going on. I gave Adam the information I had and Adam couldn’t find anything having to do with Les at all. I eventually gave up and figured this was another person who had gotten into the void.
Tag: Relationships
a cool, dry place
is a movie that i rented tonight and could relate to on a very serious level. it’s a story of a young father whose wife has left him and their son. in one instance, the wife comes back and while the father is trying to get on with his life, re-asserts herself into his life. well, attempts to. and he looks at her and realizes that he still loves her after all this time and as they lay there, she looks up and starts crying. he asks her what is going on. and she says “I don’t think I’ve ever loved you.”
talk about some fucked up shit.
———-
since I’ve been back from mayumphis, I’ve been sulking around the house like it was nobodies business. i couldn’t figure out what was really wrong because everything seemed to have fallen into place. but i knew what was wrong.
you see, i fell in love. and my affections weren’t returned. pride asserted (and damnable logic) told me it wouldn’t have worked anyway. too many problems and not enough of anything. i knew my affections weren’t going to be returned but as it was once said, i was going to wrap them around my little finger and i had to assert myself regardless. i had to know one way or another. but, it wasn’t to be so.
as i lamented to a few friends about this turn of events, many people reminded me that i still had a large group of people who loved me and cherished me. and even larger group of people who worshipped me on various levels. i know that my own “stupid” actions (as i still see and will forever see) causes me to act in strange ways, sometimes it takes liquid courage to get it out.
part of the problem and what was bothering me is that I’ve been watching people’s relationship fall apart around me. platonic and intimate it didn’t matter, nothing was working out. and the weird thing is that those whom i thought were more emotionally fucked up than me had found solace in doing other things within themselves. finding themselves. getting themselves back on track.
i wasn’t quite sure how i was going to deal with all these emotions — i could (and have) rationalized on many levels about my own emotional state and noticed a few patterns about myself that would have predicted the outcome of the events. i however choose to ignore them and went on my merry little way anyway because i thought “this time was different” and it was. i have made, i hoped, a wonderful new friend and while i maybe too spicy for their mild sauce, friendships are nothing to sneeze at either.
in the interim, i’ve been watching a lot of movies and resorting to my old tricks that i do when i’m down — which causes me to do a lot of introspection about myself. many of the same issues that had been developed before hand were never really resolved — and in a way i had used this person to alleviate those pressures. but a lot of the ground work i made onto myself was done alone — and while they had pushed me to do those things — it was obviously me that did all the work. they may have nudged me in the right directions but it was me who did it all myself.
many people have said that someone who doesn’t fall in love with me is a doo-doo head (to put it nicely) but i can’t fault someone for not liking me in that way. pride has dictated too long ago that i could never ever want someone who doesn’t want me back — and i won’t break that rule now. while too many films have depicted the story of people figuring out later on that the person they never thought they should be with, they SHOULD be with and it was too late — reality begs to say that only happens in the movies. and i can accept that. really. i haven’t come this far in my life not have.
i know, honestly, that many of what i wanted and much that i want is projected upon each successful suitor. i do not take the time to learn but instead foster my own ideas on what that person should be and am sorely disappointed when they are not whom i think they are. i have long have had a habit of falling for people who do not share my own affections, and finding out later on that they end up marrying some female they have just met within 6 months of the ending of any romantic interest between us. i can count at least five different examples of this happening. i met a guy a year ago and during casual conversation he told me his stats were much higher: the girls he has dated have ended up marrying after him — ‘cept it’s been ALL the girls he’s dated even remotely seriously. he had me beat by a long shot. i’m glad, on some fucked levels, to see that it’s not just me.
one of the main reasons i haven’t written since i was in mayumphis and since i’ve been back is partly because too much is going on in my head to really sit down and write about it all. i wanted to put together something that wasn’t so embarrassing and so personal yet i knew not how to do it.
this is my life.
and it’s all about being on the web. i will forever be known as “the on-line diarist known as lisa”. i cannot not be this person. of anything i’ve learned within my 2.5 years in SF was mainly about projection and patterns and other fun stuff. emotionally i think i’m much more stable now then when i got here (though the level of psychodrama has increased “bad boys bad boys” not decreased).
but i still refuse to be afraid to not talk about how i feel. and i refuse to not write about it either. if you are involved with me in anyway — this is something you have to realize and this is something you have to recognize. i will not change this aspect of my life.
but i had to say this. i had to get it out so that it wouldn’t be rattling in my head because then i start thinking about it more so and analyzing it when i need to chill and let it go.
so it’s out.
i’m really really tired. ultra-slacking does wear on you. tomorrow will be the hot topic of where lisa is going to move to. stay tuned.
x0x0x0x
moi
cruisin’
So Lisa wants to drive around Memphis… Unlike most civilized societies,
our public transportation system combined with the vast area that the
city covers only leaves one option. Rental. But hey, she did it in
style! Got a white convertible Mustang! Yow! Hell I just wanted to go
driving in it! All we needed was a cell phone, some helicopters chasing us, and an army of dancing bikini girls, and we would had a rap video!
After work, we picked up my not so happy friend, Ron and headed towards the river (No, not to pour cement around Lisa’s feet and throw her in, but
to show her the pretty side of Memphis). We all walked around the edge of
Tom Lee park (obviously named after the famous “Men in
Black” actor, Tommy Lee Jones…not) and discussed property values and Cybil Shepard’s house. Nothing make you more thirsty than standing in 1000 degree weather, so we hopped in our fly G-mobile and sported off to my favorite watering hole and your too, I’m sure, T.J. Mulligans. Ah, Mulligans its been so long since the taste of their turkey and cheddar had passed my lips, and it was a good thing… Even if the waitress did want to kill me.
We sat. We talked. We all bonded. It was a beautiful budweiser moment. But
soon we all got tired of sitting and the crappy folk singer started to
play, so we hit the streets in the fly mobile again. Drove past Joe’s Cool
Sign (A neon masterpiece that alone should raise the tourist rate here
in Memphis), and dropped Ron off home to his den of a thousand cats. We
thought we could impress Lisa with the massive girth of Lebowski the
hideously obese kitty, but she was not phased. Oh well. After that, my sauntery southern self was ready for a nice 8-24 hour nap, but Lisa seems to be running on nuclear power, so I took her to one of my favorite bookstore’s in Memphis, Bookstar (Yeah, I know its a chain, but they are pretty cool… I mean the idea of turning old movie theaters into bookstores is brilliant). She bought Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. I had seen the movie, so I didn’t. She tried to explain the difference between Linux and Unix and why I should learn PERL but most of what she said could not register in my primitive artboy brain. The iced mocha was good though.
Came home and argued about who gets the couch and who gets the bed. Never met someone who actually WANTED to sleep on the couch before… Fine by me.. It’s your back, bub.
I’m not for sure exactly, but I think she may have had a party while I was
asleep. A girl gets pretty popular with a car like that!
Yours Truly,
Darth Mike
Wanna know the real version of the story?
hostile takeover
There are those who may think that there were ulterior motives behind Lisa’s visit to this here bluff city. Well yer right! It is all part of my elaborate scheme to become famous by taking over everybody else’s website! Yeah sure, I had to trade my daily journal, but nobody ever reads that thing… This is where its at, and Miketron2000 industries is ALL about taking over the world… one website at a time.
Anyways, so far… so good. She hasn’t killed me yet (that’s always a good thing). For those of you who only know of Lisa through this fine website, then I’m one up on ya! HA! Actually, she’s quite nice. Aside from the constant drug use, vandalism, and animal torture, she’s pretty easy going. I didn’t appreciate when she threw my television set into the pool, but its my own fault for not securing it properly, right?
I don’t write as much as Lisa (mainly because I am not a writer), so these here bits probably won’t be as full of the insight and glamour that many are used to… but man can I talk about my cat! Did you know that when I found him he had a hole in his head! Sure nuff, Bob’s yer uncle!
This is my first time meeting a pal over the internet, and its strangely fascinating. Here is a person I have never met in real life yet feel like I am darn good friends with. If there is anything I have learned in the past year, its that one cannot have too many friends, even if you don’t think so at certain times… Good friends are the reason I am still around today. In the past year I have gone from taking my friends for granted to really understanding what a valuable purpose the serve in the grand scheme of things. That may be the reason I overextend myself these days trying to accommodate the few that I have (although I am sure Jason Alexander would dispute that claim of accommodation).
So, there is much time and much stuff to do… These next two weeks will be quite busy for me. Lisa wants to check out the University (one of the reasons, she came y’know), everybody MUST see downtown Memphis when they come here… as well as the hippie charm of Midtown. We’ve already been to Chili’s and gone swimming, so we are just going down the list at this point. Y’know, crack houses gun shows, that sort of thing.
So, that’s about the long and short of it right now… More news as it comes to me.
Yours Truly,
Miklos Nortonski..er I mean, Mike
Wanna know the real version of the story?
miss american pie
when i was a kid growing up in Port Huron, Michigan; I loved summer. I loved waking up and walking outside of my house and seeing the grass shimmer with morning dew. i would hear the birds chirping in the trees and i would sit on the front porch during the day reading or sit on the back porch at night writing underneath the stars. my whole day would be planned around events such as riding my bike down to the lake and sitting in one of the little coves near the entrance between the lake and river. i would sit there sucking on freez-e’s while writing in my journal. i was 11 years old.
there is something about summertime in the Midwest that no one can touch.
i haven’t figured out what it is about it, but i keep noticing that certain things will strike me as being very Midwestern and i would get homesick pretty quickly. but i get homesick quite often…
this past Friday, i had to drive to Fresno California, which is located about 3 hours east of Oakland. Fresno is in the valley and considered to be away from anything/everything that is a happening. last time i was there, i mocked the fact that the biggest days for them was Rodeo Days and that the radios stations played Color Me Badd’s “I Wanna Sex You Up” as a “hot” hit. That even though there was a major university in the town, it still sucked ass. it is hickville. completely and totally. it was not as bad as grand rapids, but it had that dull feel to it and a Midwest smell to it. and i fell in love.
i would go outside for a few minutes and enjoy the HEAT and smell the fresh air. things seemed so different there. i couldn’t put my finger on it and i can’t even begin to describe it. i remember sitting on the porch at our facilities in Fresno and looking around and everything seemed so lush and green. the grass seemed touchable and soft. like i could slip off my shoes and walk around barefoot for a few hours and or lie down and sleep. everything felt alive.
i hate san francisco.
ever since i’ve been here, people have told me time and time again how i fit into the culture here. how i fit the stereotype of a 20 something year old geek. but SF bores me. the few local events i’ve been too didn’t titillate or scintillate me — they bored me. i just feel that we’ve lost all contact with being human in our quest for mechanical perfection.
they have also said that there is something about that i needed to do here: find myself? come to terms with myself? find peace in myself? i don’t know – all i do know is that i left Fresno Friday pretty freaking happy. I was in love. I drove down the highways yelling and screaming and shaking my booty to the music out pounding out of my car stereo. and the closer i got to Oakland, the more tense i got, the more bitter i felt.
i drove past Livermore and started screaming and yelling because I saw a DRIVE IN movie theater actually showing a movie. I haven’t seen one of those since I was a kid.
i realize whatever i needed to do here — i’ve done. it’s time for me to go now. the penance (as only the way i see it) is over with. i’ve paid my fucking dues. no one can understand the hatred i have for this place — but i can see it. there is nothing for me here in SF. I’ve always known this since I had moved out here 2 years ago and everyone keep telling me that I was wrong. My own anger and paranoia — I know that SF is wrong for me. I felt “me” when i was out in Fresno and when i was back home in GR this past winter.
One of the things I’ve been thinking about as of late is when I go to Memphis on Wednesday. Mike and I have been talking about different things we are going to be doing the week that i’m there. the problem is that from his description and my own research, Memphis sounds very lovable. meaning that it’s not as high strung as SF and not as lame as GR. It’s the perfect combination (thus far) of both climates. (and NO this is not some metaphor about falling in luv with Mike — geez). Memphis, in short, sounds perfect to me. I’m free and over 21. There is nothing holding me back or causing me to stay anywhere.
But I told Mike, that I was afraid. i was afraid of getting to Memphis and falling in love with it and having it all blow up in my face like Toronto did back in 1996. I couldn’t deal with that again. And I certainly don’t want to be here.
So, we’ll see. I just haven’t been thinking about it much really. in fact — it’s odd that i think about it that neither mike nor myself bring it up except to say “neat — you’re gonna be here in a few days”. he, the big sweetie, went out and stocked up on trident sugarless gum, chocolate milk and bottled water 🙂 I am, so loved.
speaking of being loved, the last week has been strange. well at least as far as people go. i think i may have mentioned that i’ve been feeling like a bitch in heat and that i’m picking up on peoples smells. it’s horrid. i can smell everything and anything and since i’ve been smoke free (13 days now! woo!) it’s been heightened. First off, I’ve had like two complete sets of bi-poly-girls hit on me. both of them are unix chyks/mac whores who live with their BFs. it wouldn’t be so strange if it were not true. and both of them are adorable! then there is Justin — he says that my secret to getting people hit on me is my own pheromones which have been rather strong recently. i thought he meant that uh, well, heh, that certain areas were rather fragrant this time and he said no — but that i just have this smell of deliciousness. whatever it is, i’ve been getting hit on, stared at and adored left and right. it’s flattering and it makes me feel beautiful.
I get sad though because even though I would love to have one person as my very own teddy bear — sometimes it feels like i do more good for the masses. whatever that means.
speaking of flattering, someone made icq skins of yours truly.
here is one shot.
there is another shot.
something purty
x0x0x0x0x,
moi
swf iso swm who is tall and funny but never grumpy
i love reading personal ads.
i was going to say that “i don’t know what it is about them” but i do know: i love reading about other peoples desperation and loneliness. makes me feel like i’m not as f00ked in the head as i sometimes think i am.
back in the day, a very close friend of mine and i were doing “alternate” personalities via Yahoo! ads. he put an ad up and i replied as “something else other than lisa”. it was shits and giggles and we had fun doing it. basically we would get as blunt as possible to see if anyone would reply to our ad. they never would though, it was just kinda amusing for our sake.
the thing that tripped me out the most was the fact that i pulled up the “m4w” section looking for “everything” in Yahoo! Grand Rapids Metro (haha — yeah right) — and nearly 1000 ads came up. 1000. ads. I was like “jesus christ — what’s going on here?” and so i went reading the ads to see what WAS up — and as I suspected:
- Most men were married or in some sort of relationship already looking for a “discreet” sex partner. Wifes approval not necessary.
- Some were quite blunt in listing just sexual interests.
- Others were looking for “activity” partners — which reading between the lines followed up with #2.
- Those who /were/ looking for love, seemingly were quite desperate about it “i’m a shot balding CCR, divorced 2x with 4 kids.” It scared me.
I think that the thing that gets me is that we can learn so much about our society as a whole from reading our personal ads. yeah true, there is no better way really to meet someone of like interests, but they are all these dyed in the whole, hypocrites. i mean, why the fuck get married if you are going to be cheating on her? why stay in a relationship if you ain’t getting all your needs met? I don’t understand this.
maybe it’s not really about the personal ads per se, but that whole “religious true republican” facade i grew up with while living in Grand Rapids. Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with personal ads. When I first moved to SF, I placed an ad in one of the local on-line newspapers — i wanted to meet people for pete’s sake. what i got was actually a bunch of bmw driving, cell phone carrying, wine drinking, coding freaks. i dunno. my roommates and i went on a calling spree one night and met up with some guys off of one of the ads (all of us later lucked out) — but it seems to me that for the most part, these ads never really convey the whole person. I mean, yeah it’s great that your this that and then some, but how can you discrene who really is for you by a few lines of text?
i really am beginning to hate 2-dimensional relationships. jaffo keeps kicking me in the ass and telling me to find a real man around here. i think he keeps forgetting that i live in SF — there are no real men — just a lot of faggots (i’m a fag hag, I CAN say that word).
besides.
i have a date coming up next week.
gots to look my best!
tomorrow i go to the doctor.
for the last month i haven’t been feeling too swift. i thought i was pregnant: two tests and my period proved me wrong. my stomach feels like someone shoved a air condenser up me and pumped away. it hurts. i can’t eat. i’m tired of none of my fucking clothes fitting.
basically, i’m feeling grumpy.
i dun wanna be grumpy. i have a tall southern boy i need to wrap around my finger in a little over a week.
i’ll let you all know how the doctor appointment went.
it’s probably just stress.
x0x0x0x0x0x,
moi
7:37am
I was lying on my stomach this morning and thought I heard an angel calling my name. “Lisa…..Lisa…..Lisa”
It suddenly dawns on me that Cat is here. I jump up and throw open the bathroom window. It’s 7:25am. I check the alarm and it’s turned off. Shit! Cat calls Scott and goes to pick him up. I make cawfee. I get this idea in my head and decide that being late for work isn’t that bad of a thing.
irony
i’m sitting crosslegged in my chair, thinking about delicious irony. See, yesterday afternoon I had scheduled an appointment with planned parenthood. my appointment was at 3pm. Since the appointment was short notice, i had to reschedule a lot of things around it. no biggie. i run the hell out of the office, go to the parking lot to grab my car gasp! it’s boxed in! car attendant moves said vehicle out of my way, jump on the highway, drive over the bridge — and get stuck in the traffic jam from hell. Usually, the 580 exchange getting off the bridge is fine — it’s clear and i can zip through. It took me over 20 minutes to drive what would take me 2 minutes. I whip out the cellular phone, call PP and make another appointment for next week.
Once I get home, I realized something.
I had started my period.
First time in over 6 1/2 months.
I start laughing and say out loud “Only Lisa can make this happen. She makes an appointment to PP, can’t make it, and gets her freaking period.”
I talk to myself a lot. Nothing to worry about. 😉
cocktails for two
the big thing that has been going on with me lately is pimpin’ cupid. It started out as a joke and now i’m getting emails to all my weird accounts that i never thought anyone would use, telling me that someone likes me. but the jist of it is, is that i’ve listed all those i like back and it’s not making any matches. (Well, okay it made a few matches — but not all of them!) And now, someone sent me a virtual cocktail to my work account — not even signed! ARGH! I hate barcardi. and whiskey. the smell reminds me of my father who is an alcoholic. when i drink, i drink only Absolut or Skyy vodka OR hefeweisen beer. Remember that. 🙂
time enough for love
emails have been rolling in about my discussion yesterday about love, relationships and cheating. hell, the article has only been up for less than 12 hours and i’m already making a new one. regardless though, this is on my mind and if nothing, i am intent on making sure that i drive the point home.
yesterday i had spoken about polyamory and never really got into my thoughts on this. see, for a long time i believed that polyamory was the way to go because by default humans were not monogamous. i will save you the argument i have prepared for that reasoning but one of the reasons that i had for this thinking was that i knew it was not impossible to love more than one person at a time.
i’ve been down that road, being in love with two people at once, and let me tell you, it’s’ hard. it’s hard when both of them love you back. it’s not a matter of indecision — quite the contrary — it’s the matter of that both offer you something that the other cannot.
and for awhile, polyamory served in many ways monogamy cannot.
now, just because i was in love with them doesn’t mean that i’m sleeping with them. I need to drive this point home. It bothers me that people assume that if you are dating someone or whatever that you are automatically fucking them. Not true. I’ve been “in love” with people and never had sex with them. I’ve had sex with people I wasn’t in love with. The two are not mutually exclusive.
i am not, by any means, going to start preaching family values. nor am i, by any means, going to start telling people how to run their life (Uh, Lisa, you do that already. Shuddup!). But I will not discount polyamory as being “weird” or “normal” because it’s both. just as monogamy is both. i think that too often, people place themselves in relationships that they do not want to have and are not strong enough to break off. hence lies in cheating. hence lies in lying. hence lies betrayal.
the truth of the matter is, that the inner core of ME (that makes up me — we won’t go on about other personalities) is that i’m monogamous at heart. really. i had gone through too many times of jealousy and obsession because i could never understand why someone would want something else if they were dating me. Meaning that if i’m in a mutually exclusive relationship, that persons attention should be focused on ME not on someone else. I’m egotistical enough to know there is no one like me (there isn’t. cheap imitations, obviously). i should be able to fulfill their needs, desires and wants. and vice versa. if i’m not, then WHY are they with me (and vice versa). it goes back to me saying that people often get involved out of relationships because they are lonely. and i can understand that. but i don’t want someone being with me because they are lonely, i want someone to be with me because they think that i’m the hottest trick in shoe leather to grace this earth (Gone With The Wind reference).
When I was a mealy-mouth brat growing up, i never thought i would get a bf. ever. i had my life all planned out in front of me. graduate from HS at 17, go to college, get my masters. write the great American novel. be rich and famous by the time i was 25.
at the age of 27 (cringe), i realize that while ones dreams aren’t always as easy as one thinks they are. looking back on my life these last 10 years and of everything that has happened, i often bemoan all the damn mistakes i’ve made. i’ve sat in funks for months because i didn’t have the courage (or the strength) to pick myself up and say “to hell with you, i’ve got my own thing now”. truth of the matter is, i’ve been damned frightened of everything and anything around me. fear of love, fear of rejection, fear of betrayal and non-sense. many many people who know me personally and intimately have often said that this doesn’t jib with what they know of me. but it is me. it’s all of me.
as i said yesterday, i know my faults. i know why i do what i do and i know where in the problems came from. justin used to say he thought i was the sanest person alive because i could recognize these faults. i feel like a caged animal and the whole world is my audience. and when provoked i bite. i know that my sarcasm and indifference is a destructive method of protecting myself. my string of mens were ego boosters because i still get in shock when someone likes me. i don’t understand why they do. i remember what it was like letting go, when i was 19 and i remember the ramifications of that letting go.
friends have suggested that i take a year off, don’t date anyone at all. get myself together. the trials and tribulations of the last few years have taken it’s toll and that i need to find myself for awhile. i agreed with them, and in many aspects i still do. no more living in sin, no more stringing along men. put myself first instead of others, no matter how much it hurts.
falling in love with someone is a big gamble. we all have “issues, matters and concerns” about how we are going to be. we are, in a sense, all frightened of the things we are and do. and no one wants to be alone.
i have this silly dream where i would be sitting in a cawfee shop/bookstore reading. sipping on a frappichino. the man of my dreams would walk over to me and start talking and we would know. that very instant we would know.
i believe that all the relationships i have had in the past have built me up for that moment. the ideal and perfect person. perfect for me that is. i believe that you can have soul mates. and i believe that true love never stops. i believe that there is only one person for you. everything else in your life was nothing but a dress rehearsal. i believe that love does conquer all and i believe that if you love someone, are really in love with someone, you are not afraid of going to extremes for that person, sharing your soul or showing the world that you care.
“Anything less than extraordinary is a waste of my time.” – from Dream for an Insomniac.
I used to say (and still believe) that I would never settle. If the person wasn’t for me, I wouldn’t be with them. All of our past relationships are failures. And I’ve left people for the dumbest reasons, but the reasoning made sense to me because if they didn’t jib with the ideal thing I had in my head then I didn’t want to be with them. Sometimes I projected these ideals onto other people and got kicked to the curb with shock when the person wasn’t i wanted to be. I think that, while I have a long an glorious past with me (and my joking there of), that it taught me more getting in the ring. I wanted to save myself, remain a virgin, until my wedding day. But my own sexual and romantic history has shown (and I have learned from) that while I could never take back what I have done, I can move on and learn from it. I know exactly what i want and this time I won’t stop till I get it. And if this means I’m going to end up a crothity old lesbian with 10 cats — so be it. But I would rather save myself for the right person then to throw myself at the wrong person.
Ya dig?
muzak
i was sitting here, looking at the stack of 20 or CDs sitting on top of pleiades, and realized that i had nothing but depressing music. GEEZ!
Now Playing: Squirrel Nut Zippers:Hot.
Really bored?
Here is a list of all the cds I own.
I’m so cool beavis.
what’s sad is that i need another cd-rack. mine is erm, filled. i have no where am near danny though — he’s got over 500 CDs at last count. probably closer to a 1000. what’s even sadder is that i look at it and there is NOTHING there i want to listen to. grrrr. but that’s alright though, i have four or five new CDs showing up 🙂
thank god for mp3s. but you didn’t hear me say that.
ARGH!!!!!!!!!
My damn short attention span. I spend too much time at second spin. Here is a list of CDs I want. I’ll take ’em used. I’m not picky:
ArtistThe JudyBats Ibid Ibid 3rd Bass Ibid |
CDDaylight(cd-single) Hold Your Horses – Judybats Rarities 1 When Southern Bells Derelicts of Dialect Cactus Album |
Shit shit shit.
I’m sure, there are like a gazillion cds I want. However, I’m having an attack of amnesia.
Now Playing: JudyBats : Pain (Makes Me Beautiful).
Jesus christ on a pogostick!
Amazon.com has NO mention of this cd or anything by the Bats!! lemme try cdnow.com. yeah that’s it. GOOD GOD! Nothing at cdnow! Christ!! SOB!! One of the best bands from Tennessee in gods knows how long and well hell — best band in the late 80s/90s and freaking NOTHING. NOTHING AT CDUNIVERSE.COM EITHER!
It’s a conspiracy!!
I can’t find Judybats but they have Spoken word by Jewel?!? What’s up with that. I read her crap standing in a line one day at Barnes and Noble. The stupid bitch wrote a poem (in tribute to Charles Bukowski) called “Bukowsky’s Widow”. The dumb cunt spelled his goddamn name wrong! Gash.
I’m angsty. Well. Truth be told.
truth, justice and the lisa way
Ed.: Just got back from seeing Star Wars: Phantom Menace for the second time. DARTH MAUL IS SO SEXY! And I’ll probably see it one more time.
but anyway.
I was having a conversation with you know who (I swore I wouldn’t mention him again for a few days. I sound like a sappy high school girl. Next thing you know I’ll be drawing hearts an flowers!), but i digress, about trust, cheating and other predicaments.
now this particular person had has lovers cheat on him. he has trust issues. and i have no problem explaining things to him about people. i know a lot of people.
But again, I digress.
Anyone whose a fan of this site and has read back through all my pieces knows that I’m a HUGE fan of trust/honesty and commitment. Lord knows, all the whining I do on relationships, i was the one getting dumped on FAR MORE often then dumping of people. And in my whole life, I’ve only cheated twice. Once in high school on this guy Chris who I later found out had been cheating on me the whole time and dumped me for said girl. Alan cheated on me, Miguel cheated on me, the list is endless.
The second time I cheated on someone was with Danny, with Michael (I know too many damn Michaels!). (Miguel went by mike as well. Do you know see why my theory of ever male I know named Michael either dates a girl whose with someone or cheats on their girlfriend? It’s impossible!). I’m not proud of what I’ve done. And I have regretted it ever since then. I couldn’t have told Danny “I’m Sorry” enough to make it go away. I’ve done a lot of stupid things in my lifetime and a lot of stuff that I regret, but it has made me the person I am today. This is me.
Now, I used to believe in one-on-one relationships. My experiences with Jeff taught me about polyamory — and then I conceded that polyamory was for people who are afraid to make commitment. On the other hand, polyamorous relationships can have it’s benefits and as long as adults are consenting I don’t see a problem.
I’ve grown up. I’ve matured.
But, in all honesty, when Pawl and I used to talk about relationships and whatnot, and the possibility of US being in a relationship, and he said he didn’t care who I did as long as I came back to him. And sometimes that sounded fine — because I liked the idea of being FREE. But most of the time, It killed me because it showed just how little respect we had for each other. It didn’t grain with me at all.
But for the last couple of months, I’ve been doing some serious thinking. I’ve read all the books on commitment and polyamory, I’ve formed my own opinions for me.
I think, above and beyond anything else, trust and honesty is the way to go. If you are in a committed relationship with someone, and it’s monogamous, then it should remain as such. If you can’t keep your dick/pussy in your pants long enough to break up with the person, that shows, to me, how much disrespect you have for that person. I’ve been down that route. Especially when your bf of on/off of five years calls you and tells you “Hey — this 40yo chick just sucked me off. Everything I do, I do for you baby!” I still cringe when I hear those words.
My own personal experience is that after Alan dumped for another chyk (whom he had been cheating on me with). For three years I was single. I swore that no man would ever have my heart ever again. Not like that. It was too painful. It hurt way too much. I could never ever love like that. Proof in point, when I saw an Alan duplicate last year, my stomach dropped to the floor and I almost started crying. In the middle of the restaurant no less. I still loved the bastard after all these years. It never goes away, the pain just dims to a fading memory.
And I know where my faults lie. The internet is safe, c’mon it’s true. You can form intense relationships that last for days and feel like years. You get to know all the person you can and there is always something missing. I’ve said this publicly to my friends too many times: I like knowing I can see the person when I want to see them. Meaning, they don’t get the full Lisa-effect. They get what I choose to share with them. It’s safe. No real hurt involved. Nothing. It gets easier as time goes on. You put on this mask and you become a shell of yourself. They will never see how you look at certain movies, how you taste, how you feel against them at night. It’s a sham. I hate internet relationships. But in my own shyness offset, it’s the only way I could deal because after putting so much trust and hope into one person and have that person walk all over you — it’s hard.
the irony is that right now, i’m in a quasi-relationship. i refuse to define it. I know it’s there. this is something real. Because I can’t not help what he would look like when he laughs. And I took that piece of information and chewed on it for awhile and realize that i need to make it somewhat real. No more pixilated pictures. Nothing. I’ve spoken on this time and time again. It has to be real or it’s nothing.
i keep digressing.
justin used to laugh at all the mens i would have on a string — and it’s easy and it’s true. and every single one of those men on internet knew as well as i did that nothing would come of this. we would never meet. it was a diversion for whatever reason. and that’s okay too. and i’ve remained friends (for the most part) with those mens for a long time. good friends. more chances then not it was more platonic then romantic because the spark wasn’t there. and on the internet, everything is nothing but undercurrents and what not. they have other dalliances. i have mine. and then it ends.
earlier today when i got home from work, i was thinking about my friend victor.
i haven’t spoken to him in eons it seems, but he said something that struck in my mind: that the more a girl likes someone the more apt that she’s not going to use protection with that person. at first i laughed and said he was wrong, but went back to him a few days later and told him he was right. i looked back at my own relationships and knew that i was more apt to go condom-less the more i liked a person. but lisa has more self-respect for herself. a deep seeded fear after finding out that Alan not only slept with me bare-back but the bitch bare-back drove me insane. there has only been one person in the last five years i’ve slept without a condom on, and that was danny. we were monogamous (i used condoms with michael thank you) and i get checked every year. I don’t EVEN think about sleeping with someone without a condom now. it’s habit. one of the guys i car pool with left a condom in my car. i shoved it in my wallet. i started joking with my friends that it was for the “just in case” i ever met someone that i dug (hahahahahahahah). i always see the humour in that.
back on track lisa.
oh yeah, sorry.
so anyway, i started thinking about what victor said and related it to relationships. love can be defined by me in so many ways and i started thinking about all the guys i’ve liked in the past. how far would i go? for the most part, not very far. it would be as it was an that was that. but i noticed that once i started singling out things about a certain person. how much time i talk to them, email them, want to see them, everything else falls into place. you make allowances for that person that you wouldn’t make for others. what victor said was downright brilliant.
i’ve always been afraid on how to like someone again. really like someone. because the whole world is a stage and your the performer. and you really don’t want to fuck up. and i worry about that, worry that one of my little idosyncricies will shine through and that person will run away screaming in fear. there is so much in my head that has never been let out. i find myself recounting stories to whatshisname that never make it into regular conversation with anyone.
i liked justin, but I didn’t LIKE HIM LIKE HIM, if you knwo what I mean. I’ve only “liked” a few people in all those years — most I could give a shit about.
whoo boy. 🙂
i’ve made my decision, delirious and free.
i had this vision of who i was and who i wanted to be. i’ve recounted it several times over the years and lately within the last year — being in this constant blue funk. and lately i’ve noticed that i’ve been noticing the little things. the way the clouds hang over SF. The way Cat puckers when putting on lipstick, the angle of the shopping carts the homeless leave. the curve of my leg in shorts. things that in the past year went by in a blur.
i used to feel time was running out on me. i wouldn’t live long and that i would have nothing left to show for it. sometimes i wonder just how much you can say before you make a fool out of yourself.
in conclusion, i just want to say this: if you are in a relationship with someone, and you honestly are in love with them. tell them. daily. tell them you care. if you’re not in love with them, break up with them. leave them. find someone who can make you happy. Just don’t ever lie to them or cheat on them. You’ll regret it in the morning.
I’ve got a spring in my step lately and i’ve been feeling good. and maybe it’s because i’m taking time out for me for once. looking at who i am. feeling myself out.
and you know?
for once i like who i am.
and that, in itself is a small miracle.
internet relationships: the good, the bad, and the ugly
My birthday is tomorrow.
Gifts of luv, money, new life, geeky men can be sent here.
what we lose, we become
in this dust bowl of a soul, of this ego of the mind
just a little too hungry, i don’t know
this is something i’ve been thinking about for the last few years that i have never gotten around to writing about. oh yeah sure, i’ve had internet relationships — i think now it’s more of the norm than anything else. but there is so much trepidation about it and so much myth — i finally had a reason to write about it.
so here you are, sl00ting around the web. you find someone’s website that you think kicks ass. you email them. they email you back. your swapping email back and forth all day at work. next thing you know, you’re sitting up on irc all night talking to them. OR your sitting on icq and you get messaged by someone who is dong random searches and you come up. You exchange a few pleasantries and next thing you know your picking out china patterns. OR you are on a mailing list and you start exchanging words with someone whom you admire for their thoughts.
so then what?
someone once said to me, that if airlines started offering special discounts for people who met via the internet, they would make a killing.*
Back in 1995, when i met my first person off the internet, i was scared. At this time, most of the people i hung out with on a daily basis didn’t “get” my obsession with computers or with the internet. My friends didn’t get “it”. But they were intrigued. They thought i was crazy to have been meeting someone, who while i “knew”, i never literally met in “real” life. And that’s how i met Matt.
The basic jist of the story is this: i met Matt on irc one day while i was wasting time instead of working on homework for Trig. He was a student at U of West Georgia. We started talking back and forth and things just clicked. i thought it was silly to have “like” text, but, anyone who knows me knows that i’m pretty stubborn and that nothing stands in my way of things. i liked this person, i liked him a lot. The little thing called geography didn’t bother me. But then there came a time when you can only do so much talking and have to make the decision on whether or not your going to carry the relationship farther than what it is. We made that decision to meet.
i had told all my chums about him by this point and they were as intrigued with meeting him as i was. So, one fine day in October of 1995, he flew to Michigan and we met.
My job was to reserve a motel room and meet him at the airport. My friend Jenni was along for the ride as she had also talked to him via irc and on the phone. i still remember standing at Kent County Airport, smacking on gum anxiously as he debarked from the plane. My breath caught. When he entered the gateway for visitors, i ran up to him and gave him a big hug.
Nervousness was all around.
i remember sitting in my car, getting ready to get out once we hit the bar to meet my friends and he looked at me and i looked at him. i just melted. He learned over and kissed me so right that i became a puddle on the floor. We walked, hand and hand with sheepish grins on our faces to have him meet my friends.
A few foo-foo drinks later, i was calmed down enough to not feel like i was going to throw up. Matt held my hand at the bar as everyone chatted around us. The DJ was playing a slow song when Matt asked me to dance. My friends were looking at us in awe.
When he left a few days later, i cried so hard i thought my heart would break.
Of course, things weren’t as perfect as they had seemed. Matt and i had talked about me flying down to Georgia for his birthday which was also Christmas day. in November of that year, i was planning on going to a journalist conference in DC and had called him to see if wanted to meet me there. He started hemming and hawing about it and told me that if i met someone, to go for it. i was like “what the fuck are you talking about? i’m dating YOU!” he kept telling me that he would understand if i met someone closer and that it would be “okay” if i did that. He also didn’t want me to spend my money on a plane ticket to come down for Christmas. he wanted me to save it. i argued that was whole point of having that money — that was what i saved for.
i flew to DC with the rest of my friends from the college newspaper i was on. ironically, all the girls in the group were dating someone — and i was the only person who didn’t cheat on my “bf”. i did meet RJ — but that is another story in and of itself.
When i got back to a cold and snowy Michigan, Matt called me. i was at the newspaper room working on edits for the next issue. He wanted to break up — he needed time. He needed to make sure this was what he wanted. i couldn’t believe it. i was absolutely aghast. i cried and begged and pleaded. i had convinced myself that i was in love with him and i thought he felt the same way. That is what he told me. i had put my faith in someone and i got my heart broken.
The truth came out a few years later:
it seems that while matt was finishing his degree, he had short funds (who isn’t in college). A good friend of his was going to live in Atlanta and was going to sublet her apartment. it was a two bedroom and she was going to sublet it to him and to another girlfriend of hers.
He and the other roommate started dating and had been since the summer, while i was under the impression that we were a “couple”.
Matt found me a few years later on irc and wanted to call me — he had things to tell me. i had known about the story from him previously — but he needed to tell me something he said.
So i was living with Danny then and even though Matt and i had worked out our differences as a couple, we were still friends.
He told me, that he had fucked up. it had been eating away at him for the last couple of years of what he had done to me. He knew, he said, that i was the one for him. But the whole distance thing and my faith in him drove him mad. He got shit over (who hadn’t?) by his last girlfriend before me and he just assumed that i would do the same. So, to protect himself, he started dating the roommate. The ended up living together later on. it wasn’t that he really loved her — he did. But he wasn’t in love with her like he was with me. He knew he fucked up. He knew that he had let fear and uncertainty eat away at his soul till he had to cut me loose. He couldn’t apologize enough he said. He wished he could go back to make things right. but by this point, years had traveled between us. i was living with danny — we were talking about getting engaged. my heart broke even more because the girl in 1995 would have said yes to him in a heartbeat. and now things had changed. he loved me he said — and he always would. he would never forgive himself for letting me go. he told me he loved me and that was literally the last time i heard from him.
on the ride into work, Cat, Scott and i had the conversation about internet relationships. i needed feedback. i wanted to know what they thought about it. Cat had scary stories — not of her own personal relationships but of freaky friends she knew. Scott was more positive about it. He said, if it weren’t for the fact that he was meeting new people off the internet, he wouldn’t know what he would do. He’s extremely shy — this gives him a chance to open up and talk to people he would have problems talking to in face to face conversations. Scott moved to SF for someone he had met on-line, and they dated for two years. Cat told me of a girlfriend of hers that had been “dating” this guy for about seven months before she actually met him. The friend flew to be with him for the summer, they fell in love even more so and got married.
For me? Well, that’s a whole different story in and of itself. Out of the countless 100s of people i have met off-line that i knew on-line, the relationships are really no different than in a face to face encounter. i love going out drinking and having fun, but i do not think highly of meeting people in bars. Four years ago, the one person i had met in a bar had attempted to rape me at his house. if it weren’t for the fact i had brought a friend with me, it probably would have happened.
But out of all those 100’s of people i’ve met, 90% had been platonic relationships. i’ve meet people from user groups or mailing lists of common interests. i’ve gone to parties and what not. it’s no longer weird or strange, it just /is/. Living out in SillyValley, where everything is internet related, it’s hard not think that you met someone off-line as opposed to online. This past Christmas time, i was walking around downtown with a bunch of people i had met from the mailing list FTE. it didn’t seem strange to me that the i wouldn’t have met any of these people if it weren’t for the fact that i had to take the initiative and sign up on the mailing list.
i’ve heard people rag on the fact that people who are on-line have no life (i find it amusing they feel the need to say this on irc — hypocrites?). But, if someone was out going out every night and partying and wooping it up — that’s having a life? it’s a contradiction in terms to me. Like what i said above — that i am weary of meeting people in bars — but on the flips ide, where else am i gonna find someone with similar interests but at a like gathering? it just doesn’t make sense to me why the common thread seems to be that people are all over the fact that it’s okay to do one thing and not okay to do another.
a few years ago, i came up with a book idea about two soul mates who lived 3000 miles apart from each other. each chapter of the book flip-flopped between the two characters: each telling their own side. i hadn’t thought about how they had met yet, but the idea would be that they would have a relationship /before/ they met. that they knew upon meeting that the other was it.
i’ve always been a mind person. i would rather have dated someone who thinks similar to me than to date some gorgeous stud muffin. eye candy isn’t enough — i need mental stimulation or else i’m gonna get bored. and where else but the internet are you gonna find it like that? And the same thing flips both ways. i want someone who appreciates my head first than my body. that’s important to me. i’m not always going to be young and beautiful, but I’ll always have my mental facilities about me.
i hope.
it’s now June 12, 1999. And i should really get to the point of what this long rambling chronicle was about:
Lisa’s Steps to a Successful internet Meeting:
- internet time vs Real timePlease be aware that things are highly accelerated in meeting someone on the net. The very basic conversion that for every one month on-line that you know someone, it equals 6 months in a day to day “face to face”. Why? Because of the lack of interaction with that person, everything is going on by feelings and words, which we all know is very intense. How you choose to act with that person is your call, but feelings and what not can be very harsh and unreal it seems. So take it slow.
- On-line personality vs real-life personalityThis is a big one. The huge argument that i’ve heard about meeting people off-line is that you really don’t know them. My devils argument is that you probably know them better than anyone else. They choose to revel to you what they might not revel to their day to day counterparts. Be aware of that. it’s important that you go by gut instinct and how you feel. if something doesn’t feel right about the person, don’t put yourself in a position to disappoint yourself. Too many times people say “Well i didn’t know!” and they did know, they just choose to ignore it.
- Timing is the keyWhen the words “i think we should meet” come out — be prepared for your relationship to change. Once you start about meeting face to face in the BBR (big blue room), you’ll find that anxiety and fear can start replacing your calm cool collected feelings about the person. While yes, it would be great to meet the person casually, don’t rush. This is very important. if you have interweb-newbie friends, they are going to think that meeting someone off-line is going to be weird. Go with what feels comfortable with you. For some people, meeting the next day works while with others it’s a year later. When and how you decide to meet is totally up to you, there is no set limit.
- Friends and Familyif you are involved in an internet relationship that is of the romantic flavor, and you tell your friends they may think you have been hitting the crack pipe a little too hard. it is MUCH MORE common now to meet people on-line then ever before. They may disapprove. They may say harsh things. i’ve been on both sides of the fence, but once my “real” friends got used to the idea that i had “on-line” friends they were more willing to accept me meeting them. There are always going to be stories about people who got killed, raped or what have you from meeting someone online. Most of these stories can be traced back to urban legends and or myths started from something else. Meeting someone on-line and carrying it over to “real” life is no different then meeting someone from a personals ad or meeting them in another medium ie: through friends, blind dates or what have you.
- Common Sense When you are planning on meeting someone for the first time, keep in mind the following items, which is basically all common sense:1. Meet in a public place. For coffee or dinner or what have you. Most of the friendships i have kept and generated from being on-line, those friends tend to be 1000’s of miles away. if i get really good vibes from the person, we will make arrangements to stay at each others house. My friend James flew in from England on five days notice and stayed with me and my roommates to go see Star Wars: Phantom Menace. Since James and i are platonic friends, there was no pressure other than nervousness (which is normal) when we met. We fell into our roles in real life as we did online. Because neither one of us really talked about the “stress, fear, anxieties” or even felt it before we met, our meeting was like two old friends who hadn’t seen each other in years.
2. Out of town trips. if you are planning on meeting for the first time, take the time out to plan a trip. Again, work with what’s best for you. When i lived in Michigan, i drove everywhere, which i loved doing. i would crash at someone’s house and we would go to an irc party and have fun. Now, that it seems that most of the people i keep running into live more than 1k miles from me, flying to see them is the only option. Going by the rules above, when a date is planned, talk about the transportation. Split the cost of the plane/train/bus ticket. Decide what feels right to you about where to meet (whose city) and where you are going to stay. For some, staying at a hotel is an option or staying at the persons house. go what feels comfortable for you.basically, i could go on and on about this. but when you come right down to it, each meeting is unique and individual as the two people meeting. keep your wits about you, don’t let fear or anxiety override your feelings for the person and everything will be fine.
luv,
the birthday girl
Countdown
My birthday is in 6 days.
I turn the ripe old age of 27.
beauty is only skindeep
this is a crock of shit.
When Justin and I were dating, we would constantly get into big arguments because his style of dress was anything that was clean: ratty old tshirts and crotchless shorts. When we would go out, it was a long never ending argument that I wanted him to DO SOMETHING with himself. And he would, eventually, begrudgingly put on a pair of dress shorts and decent shirt. and by this time, after i had primped and gotten beautified, i was pissed.
Justin and I spent so much time arguing about this. I couldn’t make him understand that part of having confidence was just the fact that you feel that you look your best. His argument was that if I loved him, I would love him regardless of what he wore. And i wanted that to be true, but lets face it, I’m a snobby bitch. I want someone who looks good, at least in my eyes. I want someone that when I look at, I want to pounce. I want someone who /cares/ about how they look. i tried, really, really hard to not make this an issue, but I couldn’t help it. I felt guilty because it felt like i was being shallow — but when i talked to other people about this little problem, they assured me I wasn’t. Part of feeling good about yourself is how you dress and thus how you present yourself to the world. I’ve always made the correlation that on days when I’m feeling less than good about myself, it’s mainly having to do with how i look. Now honestly, no ones other opinions do matter other than your own — and this was justins biggest argument to me. That if he was comfortable and felt comfortable with himself, why was I making a big deal? The problem was that I knew (because he told me often enough) that he wasn’t comfortable with himself. He would bitch about the weight he gained and then go eat. Or lie on the couch. His lack of motivation, passion and drive drove me nuts. (Intoxicated by your aggression, I offer you my one possession). The arguments would subside and sooner or later would start all over again. This is one of the reasons why I never wanted to do anything with him: he didn’t feel the need to put on anything other than this icky orange t-shirt that was nearly a rag and icky shorts. I would spend the time getting beautiful and I felt like I was going out with my brother. Hell, even my brother had style. He loves Nautica. He takes somewhat good care of himself. He has pride in how he looks.
And i don’t want to hear about how being prideful is sinful or whatever lame argument that is presented. Cos you know what bub? No one is gonna give a shit but yourself. It’s true. Only you and you alone can make the changes and become what you are.
okay, i diverting from the subject.
back on track lisa! whip!
and so it’s much later.
today consisted of me bolstering peoples ego, helping friends out and sitting on my fat ass all damn day. justin and i had gotten into a huge argument earlier this afternoon because i had wanted him to help around the house. many may remember months ago when i had spoken of this very same subject: the plan was devised of a chart of which days on who does chores. This helped out for awhile and then we broke up and we both slide down the hill. For awhile I hadn’t cared much because the house wasn’t falling into the pit of despair it once was — but looking back now i realize i just accepted it for what it was. But I’m fucking annoyed with it. I’m tired of picking things up. So i attempted to rouse Justin’s ass off the couch and he picked a fight with me. And we were arguing in the bathroom and he backed me up against the wall and yelling at me — and i told him he was scaring me. he knows not to yell at me and he commented “don’t worry, I’m not gonna hurt you” — and even if it WERE true — I just felt so damn defenseless standing there.
living with men suck.
i had this long diatribe in my head about beauty and how we appreciate it and i find that now that the day is gone, so am i.
for your amusement however, you may download one of the following:
new pics of me
cartoon pron
x0x0x0x
moi
