sunshine / eye cancer

Dear Internet,

The weather in the greater Toronto area on my way to the airport this morning matched my mood: cold, grey, and snowy. There is no party like a lisa-pity party, and I am the queen of the revelling.

Back in the winter of 2010, when TSTBEH and I were living in a hotel for a few weeks while waiting to hear about whether or not we had Throbbing Manor, a piece of fluff landed in my eye. I could feel its prickliness in my eye socket and I could not, for the life of me, get it out. I took out my contacts, drowned my eyes in saline solution, and I still could not dislodge the fluff.

By this point, I started to become hysterical and nothing could calm me down. The fluff went from being fluff to my own convincing I had eye cancer. TSTBEH could not calm me down, even after several great examinations revealed nothing, I was convinced I was dying, or at the best, would lose an eye. TSTBEH forced me to take a Klonopin and within 20 minutes I was snoozing on the bed, calm for all the world to see.

I tell this story with great relish, and TSTBEH and I laugh at my own monstrosity of thinking I was dying. That’s how panic attacks work, in a nutshell, where something as innocuous as a piece of fluff in my eye speeds up within nanoseconds to be a death threat.

My world is always ending.

Last night was a night that rivaled eye cancer to the point where I called TSTBEH from Toronto hysterically crying. My world had crashed, again, and I had no one to hold me. No one to pet me. No one to make the pain go away. TSTBEH, not one to miss a beat, had me sing the 12 days of pugmas, to the tune of 12 days of Christmas, inserting the word pug for the items. E.g. On the first day of pugmas, my true love gave me to me, a pug in a pear tree. From one to twelve, I sang the entire song between hiccups and the odd crying, which finally calmed me  down. I was hung over from all the Klonopin I had taken that week, so that was out of the question.

I was sitting in my seat, head pressed against the inside hull of plane, thinking about all of these things and lots more. The last week had been beyond emotional draining. I couldn’t cry anymore, couldn’t think anymore, and I had no idea where my life was going to go.

The plane speeds up and I love the feel of gravity pushing me back into my seat. This is how emotional flight feels; the pull of my stomach back that feels like I’m being manipulated by a puppeteer. I have no control over the emotional flight just as I have no control over the real one. I just let it go.

As we climb through the clouds, beyond the snow, my face began to feel hot. I cracked an eye open and saw the sun, shining so bright and clear, I had forgotten the feel of warmth against my skin.

I realised then, something that I’ve always known but had misplaced, that even when the sky is cloudy, that above the clouds the sun is always shining.


This Day in Lisa-Universe: 2004, 2002, 1999

post script

Dear Internet,

Of course there would be. Have you not been paying attention?

Yes, I know I burned my bridges and I burned them hard. But I had to. We agreed on no more uniltateral decisions but we could not compromise when we discussed it, so I had to make a choice, so I did.

Yes, I blocked him across various social media and on my phone but I did that so I wouldn’t break the glass.

So I would not break the glass.

The temptation that he’s out there, so easily found, is too great. Our chemistry is so strong, that being friends was out of the picture. Our pink parts needed to be near each other, our hands needed to be on the other, our lips needed to be bruised. We were consumed.

I was drowning.

Some of us, like me, like him, want this heady love where passion rules over most of all else. Where you become a church of adoration that only allows two members. We want all the trappings that come with that kind of passion.

But, this is a very big but, this kind of love is almost never sustainable. At some point, one or both of you realise that the love turns into an obsession, and later, to an unearthly possession. It’s not so much about what he’s done or I done, while neither of us are perfect, but more about how to protect myself from losing myself.

We were each other’s kryptonite.

We crammed more love in a short amount of time then most get in a lifetime. We were lucky and grateful to have found each other twice, and my soul will always be marked by him.

Don’t you dare think for a moment this isn’t painful, this doesn’t hurt, and that I took this lightly.

I will mourn and I will grieve.


P.S. Yesterday’s piece is the second most viewed piece on this site, ever. You lot love the heartbreak, don’t you?

This Day in Lisa-Universe: 2010, 2002

looking for book reviewers / beta readers

Dear Internet,

So – who knew! Memoirs / biographies / non-fiction books are not in high demand for book review bloggers on the interwebs. Even better, if you have profanity or explicit sex in the book, the number plummets even more.

So I’m taking this into my own hands, as one should.

book reviewers
If you’re up for the challenge of reviewing The Lisa Chronicles, I’ll send you an uncorrected ebook (.mobi format) ARC if you’ll do the following:

  • Read The Lisa Chronicles
  • Write a review and rate it on Amazon and/or GoodReads and/or LibraryThing or similar site
  • Let me know when the review is up so I can give you ever loving thanks. 🙂

If interested, contact me or comment below.

beta readers
I also need beta readers for my fiction / creative non-fiction. I had a list from a few years ago but I’m not going to presume that people would still be interested. The writing, for now, is going to be under 3,000 words. At some point in the near future, I’ll be adding in book chapters and creative non-fiction.

You don’t have to comment on every story and some stories do have a time line, but if you think you can comment a few times a month, I would love to have you.

If interested, sign up for the discussion list.



This Day in Lisa-Universe: 2010, 2010, 2001, 1999