Author: pookiebear

cheap and easy

you may notice some changes happening around pronstar.org recently. Paul, my widdle luv muffin (even though he is denying me sex because I had a cigarette today) has been working on a web tool for me to update my site with ease from anywhere in the world without having to use nothing but a web browser. we are still beta testing that out — and while we do, i had gone through and started cleaning up my dead links. You may notice the links in the archive section NOW work (when before they hadn’t) and if you were really hard up, you could read all the back crap i wrote from 1995 on to current.
As of today, I’m up to November of 1998 on cleaning up bad links/images/spelling/typos. If you find anything in “Poetry”, “FUCK”, “Essay”, “Short Stories”, or “Past Journals” that has a dead link, typo, missing image: PLEASE LET ME KNOW! This is really really important to me as I’m making sure everything is organized and good to go when we convert it over. I’ve been doing my damndest to make sure everything is working but I know I missed some stuff.
like a bad penny
there has been a resurgence of activity on the lisa-network. first it started out with someone contacting me via aol im asking me about f.u.c.k. and when i wrote for it. which kind of surprised me because i haven’t had an issue published in over a year (probably going on two) and on the 7th (i think) anniversary of FUCK, jericho closed down it’s doors — and you have to admit, 7 years is a long time to run a ‘zine (especially on the internet). and that got me wondering about dear old fuck and as i was going through the archive list, it got me thinking about the mind set i was in when i wrote that. and then it dawned on me that my style of writing always began with a topic bar and the first sentence. there was never a set subject or topic other than what flowed from my head. sometimes i had an idea and i based it off of that — and other times, it was just words that i strung along to make it look pretty.
but the main point is, i had fun doing it.
i miss doing stuff like fuck, because it gave me someplace other than my website to showcase how i wrote. it wasn’t a matter if someone agreed with me or not or if they even liked it, but they still read it, which was an improvement over NOT reading it.
and moving along this curve, i suddenly got a flux of people who joined the mailing list, emailed me and signed the guestbook. while the domain is eye catching (is it not?), i haven’t been updating like i usually have been (even if sketchy) and there is no reason why this influx should be going on —
but who am i to argue?
so i think it’s spring — the influx of people getting what i have to say and the whole cleaning up issues i’ve been having recently with paul working on the back end of this dealie and me just plowing around on the front end. and i was thinking about this tonight when our new friend corey came over and showed us his old zine, verbosity. and again i got thinking.
and if you smelled smoke in Virginia, you know why.
regardless, i want to start a new zine. haven’t gotten any ideas yet, but i do have a few interviews lined up with a few people who are funny (like doug the advertising hound writer and tony, the vegan porn slut and finally keff, the mega star of userfriendly). i don’t have a theme and i probably shouldn’t be doing anything until i get pronstar.org up and running smoothly again, but hey, i’m just saying, if you want to help out, email me and let me know what you can do 🙂 i just am interested in doing something fun and worthwhile again — and basically kick start pronstar.org back into action baybee!
smoke free for five days
see topic
and in other news

  • my brother came and gone. we had fun. we bought him a laptop. we test drove a durango. damn i miss my brother. pictures will be forthcoming.
  • i’m being sued by shelly for a verbal agreement. the court date got moved to may 5, 2000. while some of you asked me her response to me moving from Virginia Beach to Fairfax, take a gander at how she felt about it.
  • i am now a flaming redhead. i bleached my hair from black to yellow to make it red.
  • we are not moving to boston. i think.
  •  i’ve been working at uunet for almost five months now. paul and i have been living together for nearly four. and we haven’t killed each other. joy! 🙂
  • i am tired and all the wonderful joyful things i was going to tell you, i have forgotten.

good night.
x0x0x0x
moi
 

high fidelity

a few years ago, i had written a fairly lengthy email to a mailing list i was on in regards to how i had fantasized my life would be like when i was in high school in comparison to what was reality. to say i was disappointed is a small under statement by far. i was thinking about this recently when i was reading a book (also by said name in title) High Fidelity which chronicles the tales of a 35 year old guy who owns a record store and realizes, he needs to grow up. [side bar: why is it that this book has 184 user comments on it and yet almost everyone one of them HAS to give a brief synopsis? geez.]
Yes, this book the movie of the same name.
just so you know what kind of mood i’ve been in reading wise lately, i’ve been plowed through Model Behavior, American Psycho and Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil.
if that does not give you an idea of what my mind has been like, then i don’t know what does. 🙂
what was my point?
hell if i remember, or that CHiPS is on teevee right now, and after spending time talking to keth, setting up the new amazon associates partner thing and talking to paul about the new cgi crap for pronstar.org, i’ve completely lost my mind in what i am doing.
and i just got sidetracked reading keth’s page. Hon, you are NOT working for inreach anymore and dan doesn’t live in calgary anymore. it’s so time to update your page.
i keep wanting to do shift-a for some reason.
esc – shift a.
so where was i?
so i’m sitting here thinking about a 35 yo who hasn’t grown up yet, a 26 yo who is affluent and off killing half of manhattan and a black transvestite. and i’m wondering about me.
i read somewhere about an infamous pronstar who reinvented herself at 28 and viola there she was.
i’m irritated by an acquaintance of mine who spent quite of bit of time explaining via his journal how it was no longer a journal any more and i was like “this guy is spouting a bunch of crap” and i had written a rather mean and scathing email about how he was being a fake pretentious asshole and didn’t send it. i honestly didn’t see the point. he’s got scathing humour. i once told him he sold out, and he emailed me back saying that everything wasn’t about money and i had this long email in my head i wanted to write to him about how i wasn’t talking about money and giving up his artistic vision for the sake of something or another and then i realised: he’s a bright guy, he’s going to either ignore this for it’s tripe that he think it is or he’s going to respond and i realised that it was too much energy to tell him how i felt, even though, in the past that is something he had wanted from me. and it comes to me, i really don’t know this guy at all — not really. i know of him, and we’ve shared journal entries and talked to each other, but it’s not like we’ve made major impacts on each other. maybe we have and i haven’t paid attention to it but the point being is that i realised that i didn’t care about what he thought any more (one word or two)? i used to think he was a bright scathing wit and he still is, but he’s lost his edge. (And I’m a major chicken shit for writing this in *my* journal, but no one ever said life was fair).
it got me thinking about my own life.
Paul and I are happy.
I need to reiterate this because i’ve gotten several close friends asking me if we are on troubled waters. nope. paul and i are like the the proverbial married couple: fat and happy. both of us have gained weight and are actually fairly successful in our jobs. while we have little time to ourselves (das geek-haus is becoming a popular hang out place, enough to warrant a mailing list).
 

declined

actual statement from a bank on declining me for a credit card:
“we’ve determined that you have sufficient balances on existing revolving credit lines.”
does this make sense to anyone else?
i don’t see how a company can determine that a household with over 6 figure income feel that 1500 credit balance is “sufficient.”
i just find that to be incredibly funny.
last night, while i was beating my laptop for being such a piece of shit, paul decided to go ahead and pull up my credit report. It seems that equifax will for a low price of 8 dollars give you access to your most recent report. Checking i found that everything in the last two years was pretty darn spotless (no late 30,60 or 120 day reports, no judgements, no nothing). It was the stuff in the early 90s that’s killing me. But what was also interesting is that equifax has the wrong address, wrong birthdate, and a bunch of wrong information about me.
we had had a big discussion with friends about this on Saturday night when we were all sitting around watching kung fu madness. it seems incredulous to me (and paul and derrick and everyone else) just how hard it was to get credit these days. in the early 90s, when i was in my late teens, early 20s; you could walk into any department store and get a credit card and you were virtually on your way. Now, we are discovering with Paul, with /no credit/ file is just as bad as having bad credit. We can’t get him anything: not a gas card, department store card, hell not even a best buy card. he gets declined more often than I do. I told him what we needed to do, and what we are doing, is to get him on on the cards I have that is unsecured but has a high interest rate. he can use this card for all of his spontaneous shopping purposes (as well as finally send me flowers at work 🙂 without having to bug me about it.
i’m pretty happy with my current credit file save for the older and mis-information on it. I’ve worked my ass off to make sure that everything was set up correctly for it so that I wouldn’t have issues matters and concerns about the credit reports when i wanted something (a new car, new house, new body, whatever). my project this week is calling companies that show that i owe money and make a deal: you send me a letter stating that you will remove my bad credit statement from my record and you’ll get your money. sounds good to you? sounds good to me.
brotherly love
my brother, all 7’4 of him, will be flying into DC this upcoming it was an impromptu flight as we had been talking about him coming here for spring break, but it was all dependant if his basketball team won their last game before the playoffs. he wins, he’s got tourneyments to play in. he loses, he is coming to DC. since it was such a late date at getting him a ticket, the price was sorta high (and my brother has the misfortune to live in bfe Illinois where he’s too far to get a plane out of a major city) but well worth it in the end.
i haven’t seen him in nearly two years. i can’t wait.
this magic moment
we had a dozen people over at our house this past Saturday night for “Kung Fu Madness” in which we sat around eating Chinese food and watched bad kung fun movies. since we had stipulated that everyone be gone by 3am, we then carried the party out to denny’s where we sat talking about geeky stuff, while i read the USA Today from that weekend and party goers for Mardi Gras were stumbling in at all hours. As we got dropped off by our friends Lenny and Sunni in front of our apartment complex, paul had asked me if we had checked the mail for Saturday since we hadn’t we started walking towards the clubhouse to get said mail. Paul suddenly called out “sweetie” and as I turned around he jumped up in the air, literally clicked his heels and started singing “chim chimney” from Mary Poppins. It was then that I confirmed what I always knew: I’m going to marry this man.
I had related this to Paul last night when I was sitting here waiting for my windows laptop to stop being pissy (spent nearly 3 hours fixing various problems to get it working — don’t say a word). he looked at me like i had told him that i was insane as if that one defining moment was strangely the reason why i would marry him — and not any other particular moment. what can i say? it’s the little things that mean a lot.
this morning i woke up with him making me breakfast (which we shared while sitting in bed) and singing an elton john song as he brought it in. i giggled as he did this and look over to my left as he sits on the couch working on his laptop (his and her laptops — how wrong is that?). i love paul. i’m in love with paul. those defining moments which last mere seconds is what defines it for me.
x0x0x0x0x0x
moi

size does matter

in the whole spirit of this whole spring cleaning ideal, i decided to wear the new Victoria Secret bra/pantie/tshirt combo that i had purchased yesterday to work. And along with this, i decided to wear the new velvet maryjanes i had bought (with paul and derrick glaring at me and jen at the shoe store when i had ran my credit card through with a sly grin). i was thinking about this today as i schelpped around in my new shoes, which were 1/2 a size too big and making my feet hurt. i kept getting these funny looks from people as i walked because due to the humidity, my feet were making squishy sounds in the shoes with every step i took. after a few trips up and down to the smoking area and making general pit stops to the bathroom, my feet literally began to feel like small boats.
for some reason this reminded me of my aunt jackie — who loved to initialize everything she owned. i remember when i was about 6 or 7 (and of course being the favorite niece), that for some occasion she had taken me down to People’s Jewelers (high falutin in Port Huron Michigan, right across the street from the chic Winklemans) to get me a gold initial ring. The ring was a size 7 1/4, and I remember that we made it such a special day to go get this stupid ring. I don’t remember how much it cost, but I do remember it being 14kt gold and that she had it made for my ring finger. in a small oval had my simple initials “lmr”.
i was thinking about this today as i shuffled around work. My shoes were a size 11 and I’m more like a true 10.5 (which you can never find — so i opt for one larger size). I’ve been “tall” as long as I can remember. I remember being measured at 5’10” in the 8th grade and wearing size 10 shoes in the fourth. I can’t remember a time that I wasn’t tall, didn’t have big feet and fat fingers.
And I found it just odd, that here I am, barreling down towards 30, and I still wear the same size shoes and my ring finger is now an 8, when I was 7 it was 7 1/4. That while I’ve held down my own image of still being young, in many ways, i’m still 7 looking at the pretty ring on my finger.

spring cleaning

well, hi.
as you have probably figured out, you have been re directed to a new domain. a few days ago, i had sent out a chronicle to the mailing list only that talked about how i was feeling — primarily with having the domain simunye.org. oh sure, there is nothing aesthetically WRONG with the domain, but after having it for nearly two years and being known as this name for longer, there were just too many bad feelings going on with it. this isn’t a new thought (i had mentioned it before for months) but it was time to do something about it.
i was trepidations about getting another domain. i already own 6 previous to this and other than simunye.org, nothing else was actually being used (half-hearted projects i had come up with and stuff i had thought about doing), so those domains were just sitting there. my friend dayan and paul both suggested that i use bitchasshoe.org, but that didn’t seem to jibe either.
i really, really wanted modgirl.net.
why you ask?
because back in my early 20s, i had bitched to my shrinks that i only seemingly had two redeeming qualities: being incredible in bed AND being able to write. while i’m sure paul won’t let me run off to start making pronmovies (and we’ve been seriously talking about making our own to boot), something about the name pronstar just is so *me*. so to commemorate a new year, a new life, it was time for a new domain name.
in the spirit of cleaning, i’ve removed all dead files from the other domains (simunye.com/simunye.org/bitchasshoe.org/trippingonstars. org) and everything points here. Paul and I are going to be working on geek-haus.org sometime this week (to celebrate our community we are seemingly founding) and we have also grabbed novageeks.org (which will be especially for northern Virginian geeks as we are now like the social coordinators of everything going on).
so what does all this change mean for you, the average viewer?
basically, nothing. if you are on the mailing list, nothing will change as the name of the journal is still called “the lisa chronicles”. And if you have come here by the redirect from simunye.org, all you have to do is rebookmark the site. the only thing is that there are going to be broken links here tonight as i’ve been pretty impatient on getting this up — as you will see the design has stayed somewhat the same but the aesthetics have changed. i’m slowly going through broken links and through pictures and finally getting everything straightened out. hopefully during downtime within the following week, there will be very little site maintenance to do other than daily updates.
BANG! BANG!
x0x0x0x0x0x

aesthetics

i finally found a good reason why i haven’t written!
12.28.99: video driver corrupts and my computer barely dies. takes nearly a week to find a working 98 cd-rom in which i can reformat and reinstall the damn os and get everything working again. thank goodness for multiple computers, not so great when one of them is a 486 laptop and a quardra 68040 computer. Needless to say, the main machine is fixed.
1.25.00: I get an email from my friend Jenni who declares “must be some damn good dick to keep you away from the puter”. all i have to say is: 🙂
1.30.00: after not receiving email as often per day as i should for about a week, i get an email (well two) from two separate people who do two separate things for me (one, bryan hosts simunye.org and the other jericho does some mailing lists i ‘m on. Turns out that someone who was also hosted at dreamhost has been using their box for spamming and thusly, the ip that my domain is sitting on is being RBLd.
kudos
my friend dan has a particular entry that is fantastic. while the internet world continues to evolve from something resembling a romper room, you can be sure it’s men like him that make a girls knees go weak.
just go read the damn entry.

glitches

so.
okay, i was just reading my friend dayan’s diary and seeing that he had updated his diary (without posting it to his LIST! *smacksmacksmack*) and his color scheme, which reminded me (as i’m amidst of doing bills and yes it’s 3am in the morning) that one of the main reason why i haven’t written is:
*drumroll*
I’m bored with simunye.org
I’ve been writing down actually stuff with what i wanted to do my entries on, and actually a lot has been going on worth mentioning and i’ve even taken my new spankin’ laptop to work so that I could write during down time (ahahah!) but the thing is that i’m bored with the way the site is looking and while initially i loved it, it’s been nearly the same now for a year (and the lisa chronicles is coming up on its 2 year anniversary in july — gasp!). i actually had redone the site about a month ago (while i was in the middle of my great depression) but hadn’t updated it because i decided it was way too complicated to do so. i actually downloaded flash4 cos i wanted something snazzy to do with my site but haven’t had the time until recently to start playing with it (not that I have created anything mind you — just that i have it).
we’ve been bursting with people at das geek-haus and it wasn’t until a few days ago that paul and i finally had time alone — and then it’s like i don’t want to write but be with him.
i’m feeling very gushy and in love at the moment, excuse me. 🙂
anyways, i wanted something that is done by web — so that i can stick this doing things manually up the ass — and the idea of doing it list only comes to mind (nothing to update and it’s all publicly archived on the mailing list site as it is), but there is also a feeling of those who don’t like mailing lists and etc.
so i’m in a bind and i haven’t decided what to do as of yet.
i don’t think we have any plans this weekend other than for paul to hack DVD for linux and me to seriously clean the house (i’m trying to figure who is blind enough to miss the toilet in the second bathroom as there is urine stains on the floor). so i’m making it a priority to do so this weekend.
xoxoxoxoxo
lisa

um. yep.

i’m trying to think of a good excuse as to why i haven’t written in over a month.
none are forthcoming.
actually, everything everyone said would happen would: i handled things way too well. the move cross country, moving to a state i’ve never even BEEN before, starting a new job, getting an apartment, living with Paul. it all came crashing down in an instant.
at first everything seemed perfect when Paul moved in. NYE was a blast, got so drunk I have no idea what happened that night (except Paul tells me that I kept begging for sex in front of everyone all night and then finally passed out around 2am). work schedules, Paul ‘s job at thinkgeeks, the list goes on.
then it started slowly started falling apart. I don’t know what was going on exactly, that except Paul and i just found ourselves sniping at each other for no reason — and every reason. then it came out that we were going to NYC for LWE 2K. It was like one problem after another to get ready for this show. First it was *I* had no place to stay (andover (parent company to thinkgeek) had already gotten Paul’s rooms with a roommate), then i found a place to stay, then i didn’t know if i could go (was going to use all my vacation time and then found out UUNet was now allowing employees to go to cons on company time), then it was how to get there (i had opted for the train, Paul wanted to drive, guess who won?) and finally when i drove up in front of the Fitzpatrick Manhattan on Lexington Ave in NYC, i just started bawling. That got cured with a major gossip session with Kethryvis and rynsey. God, I had not realised how much i missed having “girl friends” (not special friends) around. you know, girl chat. Paul is wonderful, but it’s not like having girl time where we can dish about everything in general for hours at a time.
But the strange thing, and i’m not sure what happened, is that since we’ve been back home (after driving in a near blizzard via NJ and getting lost in DC) is that things have been better. being away from each other maybe? i don’t know. i do know, with long in-depth talks with keth every nights, things felt better between us. maybe because we had time to be away from each other? i thought i could find a reason, but i can’t. i just know that now that we are back suddenly things feel more relaxed. okay, our fish digital died, BUT OTHER THAN THAT, everything is falling into place. Paul has been chirping for the last few days because he feels he finally got the respect due to him (at his age, it’s hard to gain respect for his work because no one believes he is *only* 19 (yesh, the song “Mrs. Robinson” is played in our household) and that he’s come a long way baby). now i’m his good luck charm and *I* feel like it’s more me now.
i’ve been sitting here for the last few hours tonight, thinking about stuff in general, just wondering where my life is going , and the last month, the one thing I’ve realised is that how often i let depression (and panic attacks and paranoia) run my life. and i know I’ve stressed that before. too many freaking times. i know, thinking about it now, that one of the reasons i’ve refused to write is that i didn’t want to divulge all the same crap over and over again. it just seemed — pathetic? is that an excuse? probably not. i have no idea. i’m letting thoughts wander around right now.
looking back over everything as objectively as i can (and having this same conversation with my friend Graham) and realizing that on my own part, I expected way too much way too soon. I never let things fall into place — i just have been running at this speed of wanting things to be “perfect” and finding that they weren’t what I had thought — and that was my mistake. All of my bitching of wanting things to “be” and i was too worried about being like my mother. which is scary. because i haven’t spoken to my mother in almost a year.
another thing i realised this past month was how much i miss not having a family. i could argue, and rightly so, that i never had a family (other than my beloved brother, Jeff). but it was like hearing all this stuff that Paul’s family does (scary they have been to Disney world more times than i could count on fingers and toes) as well as listening to other friends talk about their families and i have — nothing. Christmas sucked major ass (as well as was told by my five line dialogue i sent out) and i just feel so damn alone half the time. Paul keeps talking about how his family is my family (i’ve met his uncle and aunt already) and i’m meeting his mom, dad and brother and sister soon. along with grandparents. will the madness never end?
i’m hitting the sack.
it’s good to be back.
x0x0x0x0x
moi

i wanna be adored

Saturday afternoon, paul and i plunked down cash for our new pad that we will be sharing with his sister, Ivette.
Now, here is where it gets somewhat interesting. When we moved into our current pad, we had to plunk down 2 months worth of rent plus the deposit because at that time our credit was so shitty. In the 15 months since we have been living here (has it really been that long already??), I’ve been working my ass off on improving both my credit and helping paul establish his. The road has been rough and in that process I’ve learned a few things about myself. For instance my need for must have handbags and must have shoes. i also don’t need all the clothes I’m apt to buy (but whine it was on sale!) and the host of other things we have around our apartment.
i noticed this really prevalently when we were in Miami for Christmas. We brought back so much loot (including my lovely new visor that I adore the living hell out of), that I drug (is that even a word in this context?) Brian to the mall with me to go shopping for a new suitcase because the three we brought with us was simply not enough to ship our shit back home. What loot we got! Nearly new 20 dvds, books, clothes, candles, visor, a scooter (that paul promptly broke), toys, games, money; we made out like bandits on Christmas day. Not including all the shopping sprees I did when I was there because “everything was on sale” and had to have this red velvet skirt. I have enough clothes now to clothe a small nation. You know, like China.
when we came home and unpacked, i looked around our apartment and noticed all the “crap” we had. stuff that we bought on whims that wasn’t necessary at the time nor is it necessary now. I’ve been purchasing storage boxes just to toss all this crap in so that we can move everything to the new apartment in a much more smoother fashion than when i moved into the old pad.
all the stuff that can be used to decorate my cube, I’m taking with me to work tomorrow. All the papers I’m so found of keeping (you know, credit card bills, receipts, stuff like that); I’ve gone out and bought a shredder and have already shredded my way through five garbage bags of stuff. Next is the magazine collection (ugh, never again will I subscribe to any magazines!). Then it’s the books. I have no idea what I’m going to be doing with all the books that I’ve purchased over the years. I’ve been looking and eyeing our current bookcase (which literally takes up one whole wall of our apartment) and it’s already overstuffed with books and crap. I’m thinking we’ll end up throwing that bookcase into our new bedroom and buying something new for the living room.
it’s all about spending money isn’t it? I’ve been looking for design programs to help design our new living area so that i know what to keep and what to toss, and then it comes down to how much freaking money I’m willing to spend for this item or that item. it was like this apartment was our starter apartment and now that we are moving on up in the world, i can no longer allow myself to have pictures of darthmaul on the door.
go figure.
pauly is my co-pilot
you get the feel for someone after you’ve been living together for awhile. I’ve started getting such a good feel for the way that paul acts and behaves that I’ve started intoning before he ever does anything. “no paul, we are not spending 300 bucks on a tivo.” or “no paul, we are not going to eat Mickey d’s on our diet.” you know, shit like that. now I’ve started ribbing him about “pauly is my co-pilot” since doesn’t drive so he assumes that he is automatically in control of the car dashboard while he bitches about my one handed ability to drive a car and look for cigarettes. next up on the list, before we kill each other, is paul getting car driving lessons and his own car. he wants a durango. if anyone thinks that i will be co-signing my name to a loan for a 2001 durango while i drive a 1998 Saturn, must be smoking some serious crack.
already dead
on the topic of books, paul made me read “already dead”, the California gothic and I’m dying from all the “lush symmetry” and the “beautifully chosen way he has with words”. it’s like, when people write, why can’t they write for the sake of writing. it’s goddamn boring.
but it’s spring and I’ve got ants in my pants. nothing could satiate me now.
x0x0x0x
lisa

hope floats (well sorta)

it’s mid afternoon here outside of DC and I just got done watching a horrid yet true to somewhat life movie hope floats. i think i may have mentioned this piece of tripe before — I’m drawn to it like flies to shit. there are several points here that i guess i have been reminded of: sandra bullock carries a silver lunch pail which prompted me to carry my own box, harry connick jr is always a hottie and well, that’s about it.
but what i think the thing is (other than beating this piece of shit laptop into submission) there has been these re-occurring themes in my life as of late.
lately i’ve been having some major moral issues primarily with relationships and my own relationship with paul. for the last few nights i’ve been watching teevee and of course there is a dating channel. i’ve also been helping a friend of mine write a personal ad for yahoo personals. the thing i’ve been noticing very heavily is the sheer amount of people who are cheating on their spouses. the more I read and the more i watched, the more disgusted i feel.
now, i’ve argued for both polyamory and monogamy for eons. but the thing that irritates me the most is that just the sheer number of people who are so willing to cheat on their partner. i don’t understand this. call me silly, but it’s like what the fuck are you getting married for if you are going to be cheating on your spouse anyways?
now, i know people get all riled up about this. i don’t love them anymore, what about the kids? what about my life, etc. first off, staying married for the sake of the kids is a weak excuse. I’m reminded of my friend dave whose recently been dating a married woman who is not only older but has two kids. dave himself just came out of a serious relationship that was bordering on getting married, girl breaks up with him and he falls into the relationship with this married chyk — and it’s like i want to beat him upside the head. yah, it’s none of my business but it’s like i just feel like he’s going to get hurt in the long run.
i had with shelly last night in discussion about her ex boyfriend boobie. She said that a whole little of something was better than a whole lot of nothing — which she quoted from some kind of wonderful.
see, i don’t agree with that either. i would rather be alone sitting in my apartment eating kozyshack pudding and drinking diet mt.dew than to be with someone for all the wrong reasons.
the one thing i adore about paul is his strong sense of ethics and morals.
i just called paul and got his voice mail.
i miss him right now more than anything.
3.5 days and the boy is mine forever.
and this is where paul and i come into this whole shindig.
paul and i have been going over everything as of late, and mainly about how we feel for each other. paul feels that his relationships always die after a year for whatever reason — but he’s also said that they have felt doomed from the start. and he says that with me he doesn’t feel that. that he’s made promises in the past in good faith only to be screwed over by that person(s) — which sounds like me: i’ve been told promises only to have been fucked over by said person who promised me said things.
i think the crux of that is that in the past, we want to so believe what we are being told is true: but feelings and people do change. this isn’t something we always want to admit and it’s not something we always want to believe. and i think my problem has always been that i could never ever really believe in the person i was with and when things didn’t work out, i always took things emotionally to a new level. but i just knew, knew that paul was the one for me. sometimes he hates hearing it even though he needs that kind of reassurance like i do.
i watched a cheesy movie Christmas eve about a woman who no longer believed — in anything. yah it was really cheesy premise : basically her “inner child” came out and of course at the end of the two hour flick (on Lifetime no less) everything worked out fine.
but basically, it got me thinking about me and paul. see, we’ve been having conversations as of late about being in love. we know that we are in love, we want to be together, but all this crap that is basically baggage from our past has been creeping up and onward. this is not to say that we are breaking up, not getting married or anything negative. what it is to say that we are both scared shitless of the future.
paul said something to me the other day that i’ve always believed myself: don’t just tell me you love me, show me you love me.
see, i’ve been saying that for years personally. that’s one of the reasons why i have “issues” with gifts: people tend to buy me gifts because they are incapable of showing feeling. goes back to having daddy send me a few hundred dollars to make up for time he couldn’t be with me. which only made things worse you know. spend a lot of money on me but don’t spend time with me. what kind of lesson is that to learn?
paul and i have long known we had “issues,matters and concerns” in a lot of things that have to do with us. it’s not bad things, just things that were problematic in the past with past loves and things we don’t care to repeat with each other. things we have been working on together to make us stronger as a couple. people have been saying for months how they wished they were in a relationship similar to what paul and i have — and to that i don’t know what to say. i think it’s great that people think we have something special (which we do) but the trials and tribulations of coming together — and to this point have been hard. i don’t think that with everything we have gone through to get where we are now would be so easily accepted by just anyone.
watching those cheesy movies all weekend made me realize i did believe in paul and i do believe in us. i can’t remember the last time i felt this strongly about someone or the fact that i want to live my life with someone such as paul. he’s a very special person and compliments me in so many ways. I’m excited about the prospect of being with him, falling in love with him all over again every day and knowing that my own faith, in him, in myself, and in us will help not only me but us become stronger both as a couple and induhvidually.
i love you pauly. you are always mein gott.
x0x0x0x0
lisa

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