Road Trips – A Most Unreliable Narrator

2771.7/divorce

Dear Internet,
The last few weeks have been jammed pack with excitement and drama, so let me catch you up.
Epic Trip
Couple of weeks ago, Kristin and I drove from Michigan to DC to see Angela Lansbury in Blithe Spirit. But to add even more excitement to the trip, we drove up to Connecticut to take care of my stuff in storage, got caught in a mini-blizzard and ended up crashing at TheBassist’s house, then the following morning we drove to New Jersey to see our friend Val. Then we came home. The epicness of this? We did this over five days.
If that wasn’t enough, I was home less than 24 hours before I drove to Kentucky for a job interview at a $museum and came home that weekend.
Over the course of 13 days, I drove 2771.7 miles. I am not leaving the house unless I have a REALLY compelling reason.
Next week I’m flying (thank fuck) to the east coast for an in-person interview with $college, which will be my second interview with them. Fingers crossed.
Then I come back in time to head to Chicago with Kristin, again, for our yearly mecca to C2E2. She scored us a photo op with Jason Momoa, so if you never hear from me again, you know why.
The Case
While I was in Kentucky, our retraction of #teamharpy statements went live and a few days later, I posted the essential case facts to get everyone up to speed. I know I said that I wasn’t going to comment on it, but I think what happened after the retraction is fascinating. Namely,

No one reads or listens. After the plaintiff publicly accepted the retraction and asked for people to stop trolling so that we can move on to heal, after I wrote a follow-up to the retraction explaining the outcome in curt facts and posted it publicly with permission for others to copy it to their sites, speculation and trolling are running rampant. Within the librarian community, on larger community sites, even after the “this is what happened” post went live, people are still running their mouths on what they think they know. Only those involved in the case know, but suddenly everyone is an expert on Canadian law and apparently received their JD by sending in two box tops and a dollar. It’s just fascinating how the mob just turns even when those involved are like, listen here are the facts that we can provide you.
Nearly everyone is a troll I wasn’t privy to the trolling of the plaintiff, but allegedly it was bad. #teamharpy was trolled on a pretty regular basis, and I know that got worse with time. Once the case settled, the trolling of everyone involved boomed through the roof. It wasn’t just librarians in our online communities, but nearly every MRA and GG realsie and sock puppet accounts. Here are some of the examples:

troll4
I RT’d most of the threats, abuse, and harassment I received. People were shocked, but, having known that regardless of how the case was going to end up this was going to happen, I am not.
If you’re curious to the extent of the harassment, here is a complete list of every tweet about #teamharpy archived.
The trolling wasn’t just about online comments, but attacks on my life. EPbaB had several hundred malicious exploits attempted, which were blocked by TSTBEH as an example.

Safe spaces are slowly becoming unicorns I know a lot of people are working tirelessly to end this, and this is not disregard their work (and I am not being passive aggressive here — just so we’re clear), but (isn’t there always), a lot of folks told me privately they don’t feel safe coming forward if they have been harassed by someone, regardless of who and where, in any manner. It didn’t matter how the case ended up, the backlash by humanity at large is still forcing those who are oppressed, suffering, and etc., to not move forward. We’re being stripped of our humanity, even as I write this, because if you put forward your voice on $x, there are those who will denounce you and silence you until you are metaphorically beaten. I’m not even referring to the case, but being a woman in general, my voice has been silenced in lots of ways because I’m willing to show the world that I am human.
Support comes in unexpected ways Thank you to everyone who came forward with hugs, kindness, and public support during this crazy time. You are very much appreciated and beloved.

The Divorce
As of March 31, 2015, the divorce is now final. TSTBEH is now going to be referred to as TEH. It was a bittersweet moment in court, even more so after seeing those who went before me. I cried last night, threw up this morning, but handled it pretty well. Thankfully. TEH and I are still very close and amicable, so as it was said to me today, I am very lucky that this pain is not going to be so much anger as it is heartache.
Now how have I been feeling? Surprisingly pretty zen. Accepting how things were going to be (the case, the divorce) and what to expect in the realm of emotions, I’ve been doing pretty good at keeping myself together. I haven’t had any breakdowns in the last month (other than some anxiety which is typical for me regardless of the bipolar) and that is also to say, when I have had breakdowns they have been less frequent and much shorter time span than before.
Here’s to moving forward.
xoxo,
Lisa

marsupial

Dear Internet,
Apologies if I’ve been silent lately — a lot has been happening on the Lisa-front. TSTBEH came up for a visit, sign his share of the divorce papers, and help me recuperate from my minor surgery that same week. He made me dinners, stocked up my pantry, did the dishes, laundry, and was basically at my beck and call.
Why am I divorcing him again?
The surgery was to marsupialize the Bartholin cyst, which is the gland that helps with lubrication and is conveniently located in the vagina, near the lips. In the last six months, I’ve had to have the gland drained twice and it still keeps coming back. The surgery consists of flipping the gland inside out and sewing it back. The surgery was painful, and I was out of commission for a few days. After that time, it was difficult to sit down for long periods of time in certain positions and when a few days later I went to my first spin class, OH BOY. Was that a good time. (Not.)
This week I’ve signed my share of the divorce papers and in the next few weeks, I go to court to make it official. With the house sold and now this, two of the big three things happening in my life will be complete.
On the case front, which I can’t say much about, things are progressing and hopefully at some point, that too will soon be closed.
So things are finally coming up Lisa! Which, after the last 12 months, is a relief.
My latest tattoo:

Tomorrow, I start my tour of the east coast again. Kristin and I are driving to DC to see Angela Lansbury at the National Theater and then it’s up to CT so I can meet the movers to get my shit shipped to TSTBEH (I’m giving him my furniture and in April I will go down to his place to sort through my shit), then on to Jerz to see Val, then back to Michigan. We’re doing this over five days.
Don’t call me on Monday, for I will be dead.
xoxo,
Lisa

um. yep.

i’m trying to think of a good excuse as to why i haven’t written in over a month.
none are forthcoming.
actually, everything everyone said would happen would: i handled things way too well. the move cross country, moving to a state i’ve never even BEEN before, starting a new job, getting an apartment, living with Paul. it all came crashing down in an instant.
at first everything seemed perfect when Paul moved in. NYE was a blast, got so drunk I have no idea what happened that night (except Paul tells me that I kept begging for sex in front of everyone all night and then finally passed out around 2am). work schedules, Paul ‘s job at thinkgeeks, the list goes on.
then it started slowly started falling apart. I don’t know what was going on exactly, that except Paul and i just found ourselves sniping at each other for no reason — and every reason. then it came out that we were going to NYC for LWE 2K. It was like one problem after another to get ready for this show. First it was *I* had no place to stay (andover (parent company to thinkgeek) had already gotten Paul’s rooms with a roommate), then i found a place to stay, then i didn’t know if i could go (was going to use all my vacation time and then found out UUNet was now allowing employees to go to cons on company time), then it was how to get there (i had opted for the train, Paul wanted to drive, guess who won?) and finally when i drove up in front of the Fitzpatrick Manhattan on Lexington Ave in NYC, i just started bawling. That got cured with a major gossip session with Kethryvis and rynsey. God, I had not realised how much i missed having “girl friends” (not special friends) around. you know, girl chat. Paul is wonderful, but it’s not like having girl time where we can dish about everything in general for hours at a time.
But the strange thing, and i’m not sure what happened, is that since we’ve been back home (after driving in a near blizzard via NJ and getting lost in DC) is that things have been better. being away from each other maybe? i don’t know. i do know, with long in-depth talks with keth every nights, things felt better between us. maybe because we had time to be away from each other? i thought i could find a reason, but i can’t. i just know that now that we are back suddenly things feel more relaxed. okay, our fish digital died, BUT OTHER THAN THAT, everything is falling into place. Paul has been chirping for the last few days because he feels he finally got the respect due to him (at his age, it’s hard to gain respect for his work because no one believes he is *only* 19 (yesh, the song “Mrs. Robinson” is played in our household) and that he’s come a long way baby). now i’m his good luck charm and *I* feel like it’s more me now.
i’ve been sitting here for the last few hours tonight, thinking about stuff in general, just wondering where my life is going , and the last month, the one thing I’ve realised is that how often i let depression (and panic attacks and paranoia) run my life. and i know I’ve stressed that before. too many freaking times. i know, thinking about it now, that one of the reasons i’ve refused to write is that i didn’t want to divulge all the same crap over and over again. it just seemed — pathetic? is that an excuse? probably not. i have no idea. i’m letting thoughts wander around right now.
looking back over everything as objectively as i can (and having this same conversation with my friend Graham) and realizing that on my own part, I expected way too much way too soon. I never let things fall into place — i just have been running at this speed of wanting things to be “perfect” and finding that they weren’t what I had thought — and that was my mistake. All of my bitching of wanting things to “be” and i was too worried about being like my mother. which is scary. because i haven’t spoken to my mother in almost a year.
another thing i realised this past month was how much i miss not having a family. i could argue, and rightly so, that i never had a family (other than my beloved brother, Jeff). but it was like hearing all this stuff that Paul’s family does (scary they have been to Disney world more times than i could count on fingers and toes) as well as listening to other friends talk about their families and i have — nothing. Christmas sucked major ass (as well as was told by my five line dialogue i sent out) and i just feel so damn alone half the time. Paul keeps talking about how his family is my family (i’ve met his uncle and aunt already) and i’m meeting his mom, dad and brother and sister soon. along with grandparents. will the madness never end?
i’m hitting the sack.
it’s good to be back.
x0x0x0x0x
moi

Phoenix, AZ

miles today: 495.7
miles total: 720.5
states driven through: CA and AZ
Greetings from Phoenix, Arizona!!
It’s approximently 10:13pm and I’ve been sitting in my hotel room for about an hour ircing. Stupid Slip.Net only listed the ISDN access numbers for Phoenix NOT analog lines. I had to dial into SF, wait 10 minutes (literally) for PSI Net’s webpage to load, grab a listing of a few more numbers locally and dial back in. I have this strange feeling that even though the call was local, I’m going to be charged for it. Oh well 🙂
Depending on how you look at it, I’m either ahead of schedule or behind schedule. First off, I didn’t leave SF till almost 4pm Friday evening. I was to drive to San Diego last night and then start the massive haul this morning, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to make it into SD till late and I was concerned about my health. I got as far as Bakersfield last night (224 miles from Oakland) and wrote for about four hours watching cheesy movies on the tee-vee. I didn’t fall asleep until late and woke up a few hours later at 5am, rarin’ to go. By the time I did get up and get my shit together, ate and left, it was almost noon. I was on the road today for about 8 hours and finally started screaming “HELLALUIAH!” when I crossed over into AZ. I even called Shelly when I did that because I was just soo happy to be out of that fucking state.
I’m surprised that I’m tired — I mean, honestly, I don’t see how sitting on your ass for extended amounts of time can be tiring — the energy I felt when I was cruising towards Phoenix made me want to almost drive to Tucson (another 100 miles). In a way, I’m glad I didn’t, because once I got into the hotel room and threw my shit around, I was yawning left and right.
So far, the drive has been fine. I’m not bored out my head like I thought I was (though I already can see that I’m being bored with my 96 packed CDs). I hit major traffic getting out of Oakland (by the 580/680 exchange) and it took me nearly an hour to move 10 miles. I was so stressing last night that my head was pounding to the point where I had to (literally) start talking to myself to voice my problems. But today was a lot better and I’m hoping tomorrow is yet still better. 🙂
I’ve stopped about every 2 hours (per doctors orders) to walk, write and get some fresh air. I’ve been doing a lot of writing and wrote quite a bit last night. What I am going to do on this trip is give moments of clarity when they come forth. I mean, driving 200 miles in Arizona desert territory isn’t exactly Pulitzer prize winning stuff, but my thoughts along the trip will be. 🙂 And if I stop at one more Dennys, I’m going to scream!
* * * * * * *
100 miles into the trip
I was bopping along to something in my cd player and a smile played upon my lips — I felt giddy with excitement — I started shivering in anticipation. This IS a grand adventure. How many people can say they’ve driven cross country — alone? I looked at the speedometer. I had driven 16 miles from “home”.
—
“You are a Californian as I am a Texan” – Jaffo
“And Olive Garden is high falutin dining.” -me
—
Somewhere, back there, in the open fields along I-5, I saw a very young calf running along with its mother. I glanced quickly at the car ahead of me and the car behind me and noticed that they too were watching my future pair of shoes gallop clumsily along.
—
“The energy created during sexual intercourse is roughly the equivilant to climbing two flights of stairs. Get ready to walk up the Empire State Building.” — Durex Condom ad in this weeks Rolling Stone.
—
343.8 miles into the trip
I’m somewhere near Palm Springs. Sometimes I have the intelligence of a dork: blank pants + black car + driving across the South Western US == hot and sweaty Lisa.
On the way from Bakersfield to LA, I started bopping around to Sarah McLachlan. “one does not listen to Sarah when one drives through LA,” I think to myself, “one listens to NIN!” And I threw in The Fragile and cranked “StarFuckers, INC” appropriately.
Sometimes my own naivety amazes me. Upon seeing the Welcome to LA sign, it was like I expected all my favorite stars to be hanging out on I-5 just waving at me as I sped across. I had half a mind to drive to Beverly Hills (90210 baybee!) but didn’t. Somewhere near San Beradino, I started playing car tag with two cute guys in an electric blue Del Sol. It was fun crisscrossing the five lane highway for about 10 miles. They left me a few miles to go to a rest stop.
—
6:15 pm
I’m still in fucking California! Blyth California! Goddamnit, am I ever getting out of this state?
6:20 pm
Lisa calls Shelly to tell her that she is now safely in the state of Arizona.
—
And now it is late and I am getting more tired as I type. I have mapped out my plan tomorrow and it looks like, if I get up earlier than noon that is, that I will be in Abilene, Texas. Woofuckingwoo. I had hoped to get to Dallas, but Dallas is 1100 miles from Phoenix — uh no Dallas for Lisa. I will be getting into Atlanta on Tuesday as presumed, I just don’t know WHEN!
The one thing that amazed the hell out of me, was that since it started getting dark at about 6:30, my whole trip into AZ was in darkness. The cool thing was that speed limit is 75 in AZ (which means one can do 80 safely *g*) and I did 256 miles in four hours (seeing as I had called shelly to tell her how far I was from phoenix at 4:15,called her at 6:15 when I crossed the border and rolled in at 8:15pm ish into the hotel. The drive tomorrow is going to be from Phoenix to Abilene,TX and that is about 800 miles. Wooha.
But anyway, the sky was pitch black and since there is literally no light pollution (small “towns” between Blyth and Phoenix), the stars were so close, it looked like I could almost reach up and touch them.
x0x0x0x,
Lisa

under construction

i apologize if you have been attempting to access this page within the last few days and unable to do so.
bryan, the head cheese who owns this server, has been upgrading the kernel and what not. i completely forgot he was doing so and emailed him a letter bitching. aww well.
things should be back to normal by now. i think.
check out bryan’s page. when he’s not being an obnoxious idiot grin, he is kinda handsome don’tcha think.
bryan and i were an item a few years back. i was in my “need to be controlling because my life is careening out of control” stage and he was in his “slowly getting over being burned by a psycho path” stage. it probably would have lasted if both of us didn’t freak out at our brains always thinking so much.
bryan and I don’t chit-chat much, but last i heard he was going to a shrink to stop analyzing his life so damn much.
i remember the first time had met bryan, back in ’96. I was finished with classes for the summer and was working full time at a video store. i decided i was going to take a week off and careen around Michigan and Ontario. i drove from grand rapids to port huron and then took off to detroit to see my friend patrick. patrick, unix systems guru that he is, was currently in between jobs, so at 1am, he and i took off from Toronto.
gads, we had so much fun. we drove in the middle of the night talking and smoking all the way. it was so poetic. as we drove up the Michigan coastline, we stopped at his fathers grave and at my grandmothers grave before heading across the bridge to Toronto.
wired, laden down with smoke and fueled by diet coke, we drove to bryan’s house in central Toronto.
when i first saw bryan, i thought “damn, what a hunka hunka burning love.” turned out he liked me too. god it was hard. patrick had a crush on me and so did bryan. i didn’t know what the hell to do. patrick was getting over patty his gf and i didn’t think he and i would even be remotely good together and bryan i barely knew.
but the point is, those days were fucking fun as hell. not knowing what i would be doing or where i was going. driving to toronto at a moments notice. calling bryan on the phone because i forgot something. laughing with patrick in the car on the way back. teasing both of them.
friday night, i got an icq message from my friend adam. adam and i go way back for a few years, when i started listening to his radio show on wyce. wyce is a public radio station and everyone there volunteers their time for the programming->disk jockying->whatever needs to be done. adam and sloth have a show every friday night from 12am-6am, which a better part of it was called the razor blade hour. i would stumble in at around 2am drunk as a skunk and sit up with adam for the better part of the night talking and giggling on air.
so adam icq’s me, and I haven’t heard from him in a long time. he tells me he’s doing another rendition of the razor blade hour and that it’s in memory of me. i have nothing else better to do on a friday night but get movies and order pizza, so i pop open real audio and listen for a bit to see if/when adam is on. adam starts yacking and i call the station. adam answers and he sounds happy to hear from me and i tell him i’m coming home for Christmas from December 24th – 30th. We make plans, I icq him my mom’s number and i get off the phone. when adam gets back on the air, he dedicates a song i picked (Everybody Knows by Leonard Cohen) to Miss Lisa, his number one groupie, in San Francisco.
And when I hear that, I realize how badly I miss home.
Things have changed since I’ve left, and I realize that. And I know I’ve changed a lot since then as well.
Within the last week, I received an email from my friend Dan in Texas. Now Dan rocks my world (Dan’s comments are either the single > or the non > spaces). See I did his website for him and helped him when things were getting tough between his ex-partner Chris. I told Danny that I would never charge him for what I did nor would I expect payment. But this past Friday, he sent me a check (which I feel is way too much) and he wouldn’t take it back. So Danny, I haven’t emailed you this yet, but, if you feel you need to make a donation to me cos I did your pages, please give it to a charity in my name. :)) Thanks!
So I read the letter and I almost start to cry.
Dan’s right in a way: I have a lot of things NOW that i didn’t have then. namely: brand new spankin’ 98 black Saturn, a job i’ve been with for almost a year, a place where my name is on the lease, and justin.
and maybe to some people, they would say “hey, that’s a lot! you’re doing pretty good” (especially if i can flash my IS title around), but to me, it’s settling. and it hurts.
there is a distance i have wondered
(reaching out, reaching in. holding out, holding in)
fuck, another sarah induced depression.
HELLALUHIA!
You know, for nearly a year, I have fretted, stressed and worried that everything that has gone wrong with my life resolved around the fact that it was because of jeff.
And the startling realization I made was that it wasn’t about the fucker at all but about me!! I don’t miss what we had, I miss the person I was! I miss that sparky personality i used to have. where i didn’t care and where i lived life as fully as i knew how. it may not have been the best way or the right way, but it was my way.
i’m being slight unfair because i can’t blame him, but i can blame things have changed significantly in me since i’ve moved to California, and the person I was and the person i’ve become don’t mesh. and when someone takes your heart and smashes it to a trillion pieces and then tells you to get over it, you get fucking angry. and i learned, somewhere along the line, it wasn’t okay to get angry. holding in all this crap for nearly a year.
(but um, lisa, your constantly analyzing the situation)
sneeze
True. But read what I say and read that goddamn email. Can you NOT detect the difference between how I speak here and in that stupid fucking letter?
(insert about an hour later)
So i’ve spent some time reading my old letters i’ve written to people in the last few years. And i cried and I smiled and I laughed out loud when I read this:
“And food for thought, king bee, I would have never have emailed you unless you provoked it. If you want no comment from me, then you should have done, what I warned you to do oh so long ago, stay the fuck away. 🙂 Have a nice day!” (This little tidbit came from one of the most articulate emails i feel i’ve written in eons.)
“King Bee.” That just slays me. I started laughing so hard, I couldn’t sniffle from my damn cold.
And suddenly, I feel okay again. Sure, I was getting depressed reading all those old emails, and I miss the old Lisa, but I realized that with that much passion and fire, she was never really gone. She was just hibernating somewhere.
And my arguments with Justin early this evening seemed benign and trite. I went from a complete 180 degree course from wanting to break up with him to wanting to hold him tight and loving him forever.
And I think I will go do that.