My brother and I are not on cordial enough speaking terms to the effect that we do not meet up, speak/text or are even Facebook BFFs. Our only connection is in regards to our mother, and even then contact is either brief moments filled with monosyllabic conversations or heated arguments that result in a lot of shameless threats thrown from both sides.
TheHusband, who finds my brother to be a gigantic asshole and refuses to allow him to step foot into our home until my brother apologizes for several unsavory things he’s said to me, did agree that any kind of “family” gathering should be done in a neutral location to keep the drama to low murmur. This is done to appease mother who continually harps and makes noises on “Why can’t you all just be civil to one another?” whenever my brother and I begin to bicker. Mother, however, seemingly and innocently forgets that much of my brother’s and I intolerance of each other has been started by her in some way and additionally while complaining about our sibling behavior, chooses to ignore the fact that she’s not spoken to half of her own brethren (she is the eldest of seven) in nearly five years for various infractions only known to her (and of which she can never explain when asked). Regardless of historical nods, my frustration levels skyrocket whenever a tentative olive branch is swung out to greet him, my brother will consistently denounce any kind of gathering, neutral or otherwise and effectively cock blocks any kind of civility I attempt to share when planning “family time,” regardless of how desperate my mother is to have it.
Therefore to save my sanity and have less dealings with my brother, family celebrations are now split in half for mother, who spends half her time with me and the remaining with my brother.
It is no surprise for this past Mother’s Day, I told mother that she should make plans with my brother first and then we would do our plans around those plans with my brother were made concrete. A day or two later, she tells me that she and my brother were having a mid-day meal at the retirement villa and that after, she’d like to come to our place to hang out while TheHusband and I gardened, followed by meal and game playing (Scrabble or Trivial Pursuit). Because it was her day, I also told her to pick the meal which to her meant giving me the breakdown of a four course (but very simple) meal, which TheHusband and I shopped and prepped for the day before. As mother no longer drives due to neuropathy in her feet caused by diabetes, additional timing is taken into consideration when scheduling events with her. I made it very clear to her that due to my work schedule the following day, it would need to be an early night and that since dinner would take about 1.5 to 2 hours from prep time to table, we would like to eat in the later afternoon with her tucked up back home at a fairly reasonable hour. She agreed.
With surface history of the dealings with my brother mentioned, I was not surprised upon receiving a call from my mother an hour before I was to pick her telling me that my brother could not make it to the mid-day meal (of course) and that instead, he was picking her up in the mid-afternoon to go to a party that was being held in his honor (his birthday was last week). With no thought to our feelings, plans, or prep for the meal she informs me that she’s going to this party. I asked her to call me if she was going to be arriving later then 5pm so we could plan accordingly. She in fact didn’t call until 6pm and was terribly surprised to find out that no, I was not picking her up and no, we were not having dinner as planned and in short, no, we’re not celebrating Mother’s Day with her. I made mention to dropping off some items of hers at her house the following day and hung up.
The following day, I kept to my promise and dropped some goods off at her apartment that I had ordered for mother from Amazon. Mother looked emotionally beaten and was clearly visibly upset. While I sat ramrod straight in a chair, pissed at how rude she behaved the day before, she proceeds to tell me with fat tears running down her cheeks that my brother spent the most of their time together the day before berating her for her behavior. Why was she not fast enough with her cane? Why is she so slow? Why is she not doing a million things at once like she used to do? My brother then apparently bragged that the people who were throwing him the party considered him as a second son (their own son died in a car accident in October 2010 and he and my brother were quite close) and that he wanted to be adopted by them. My brother is 32. On Mother’s Day, my brother used his time with her to talk about her failings, her missed actions and how horrible she was as a mother and did absolutely nothing else.
I struggled with two things that day: One how best to approach mother diplomatically in regards to her own fairly atrocious behavior and secondly, to not get caught up in the mother/brother drama that has pervaded me for nearly my entire life. I succeeded in the first but failed in the second.
This is a gloss over the day to day workings of my immediate family, which accounts for the partial disjointedness of the writing when attempting to explain in the shortest amount of time possible a second in a dysfunction that has been ongoing for decades. Much like that day when I sat ramrod straight in the chair, upset and angry for her behavior towards me, I could feel the undertow pull of her laying down the guilt no matter how much I fought against it. The unspoken listing of her wants and needs, rejecting the possibility that she’s ever done anything wrong is strong. How dare I criticize her when clearly my brother offended her the most with his behavior? Obviously, she should not want to live if we both think she’s the most horrible mother in the world!
I realised then I had two options: Instead of writing short stories where the mother is always violently killed, I would end up murdering my own OR I could start writing publicly about my family to get the tale out into the open. At the very least, it will keep me out of prison. At the very most, it will serve to help articulate years of feeling inadequacy for being born and save me thousands in future therapists bills.
Author: pookiebear
Rough Sketch
Some long needed admin stuff:
I’m still toying with domain name/branding/etc bullshit, which I’ve been mulling over since I published A blog with an identity crisis. Some concrete decisions: I’m letting modgirl.net expire, I will be consolidating and creating eBooks of the back entries, volumized by year (I’ve not gotten this plotted out as of yet) and that is as far as I’ve gotten on that project. Thanks to everyone who commented on the entry, it helped clarify some ideas I’ve been bouncing around in my brain.
The April 30th edition of the Morris Street Project published prematurely and without content in the entry. I’ve corrected and updated the entry so it is no longer empty, so make sure to check out this past week’s photos!
There has been so much going on, but I have a terrible habit of starting drafts and then not finishing them. I’m leary about creating new content until the drafts folder is better sorted so I decided to clean up my entry drafts, over 30 of them in the next few weeks. Do not be, then, terribly surprised to see a plethora of content being pushed over the next few weeks. My goal is to do two drafts pushed to published before a new entry is written.
We’ve been doing loads of gardening since the weather has gotten infinitely better around these parts. I’ve been taking a gazillion photographs in and around our gardens so there will be a lot of heavy image content upcoming as well.
Last, but not least, I’ve been doing some writing for The Rapidian, a hyper-local indie paper. I’ve included a widget on the sidebar that has the RSS feed for all of my work, which will be updated automatically. I’m planning on stepping up my game for them to publish a minimum of once per month.
Cheers,
x0x0x,
Lisa
Morris Street Project: April 30, 2011
Morris Street Project, Week 7
My mother-in-law and her sister came to visit us this last weekend of April to get the garden kicked into gear (because ultimately, TheHusband and I are lazy sumbitches). Of the photos I’ve been releasing onto the world of Throbbing Manor, you may have noticed we have no goddamned grass anywhere and that our plot was landscaped to death initially by the last owners of the house and furthered along by the flippers.
With the construction still ongoing, we’ve have started to lose most of the easement in front of the house which means the bushes, trees and any vegetation you can pick out in the photos in that area will be gone within the next few weeks. The city will replace the trees, but not the bushes or flowers. I spent hours truffling for tulip, daffodil and narcissus bulbs, eventually unearthing between 100-150 bulbs that will be replanted somewhere on our property, exchanged or given away.
While she was here, my mother-in-law’s identified most of the perennials, shrubbery and trees in the yards (front, side and back); which has been a tremendous help with knowing what we have and don’t have on our grounds.
In conjunction with all the outdoor gardening we’ve been doing, we’re also repotting a number of plants given or bought, including an indoor herb garden that is currently blooming in the solarium and will be replacing the outdoor herb garden the flippers marked off in the urban garden area in our backyard (aka the patch of land with chain-link fence around it, complete with beds constructed out of untreated wood (which are now rotting)). The solarium is going to become a poor man’s greenhouse, with the hopes that we can keep the temperatures in the fall and winter times warm enough to continue growing vegetables all year round as well as growing fruit trees.
We refer to this as the landing strip and TheHusband pulled out two wild rose bushes, dug up annuals that were left for dead and replanted some of the truffled bulbs. In addition to a hybrid rose bush growing at the back of the strip (near the brick of the house), we also have tulips, fairy pants, crocuses, daffodils and hostas.
One of two containers with my truffled bulbs. Currently we have shifted dirt on top of the bulbs to keep them happy until we replant.
Morris Street Project: April 17, 2011
Morris Street Project, Week 5
Construction is still running rampant on our street, with it slated to be done with our phase by end of June and the entire neighborhood by end of October. The changes to the landscape are so minute, when comparing it to a month ago, it looks like nothing has really changed in the last 30 days; when indeed flowers have started to bloom, buds have started to unfurl on the trees and the smell of fresh cut grass is everywhere.
May the Fourth Be With You
Today TheHusband and I celebrate one year of wedded bliss!
As tradition dictates the first anniversary is the paper anniversary, I decided to update my Capital One card with a picture from our wedding. Because really, who carries around paper money anymore?
We’re planning a low key night of dinner made at home (steaks, asparagus, mashed potatoes and TheHusband’s infamous trifle) and exchanging presents – to him, a stack of art books he’s been coveting. From him, a Pride and Prejudice poster. What’s vaguely funny is that neither of us knew that the first anniversary was the paper one when we started dropping hints for our gifts.
This last year has been fraught with so many life changing events (graduation, marriage, two moves(!), buying a house, obtaining a job) that I could not imagine sharing my life with anyone else. Happy anniversary pookie snookums! Here’s to many more years of pain and suffering!
Morris Street Project: April 09, 2011
Morris Street Project, Week 4
The purpose of the Morris Street project was to catalog the coming of spring and if continued, the changing of the seasons. Instead it seems its going to be chronicling the construction taking place in our neighborhood. A week before these photos were taken, the neighborhood was given notice that there would be no parking available on the streets from 7am-7pm. That\’s it. No commentary in regards to driveway parking. What they (meaning the construction crew and/or the city) failed to say or even warn was that access to our homes would be incredibly limited and no provision for parking was indicated (if our driveways were being ripped apart). A few days before the photos below were taken, there was a 15′ deep x 10′ wide trench in front of the house. Our driveway remains the only inaccessible driveway on the block, with other houses at least having dirt laid down to allow occupants access.
The purpose of the city’s project was install new water and sewer mains. According to one of the contractors, they should be done with our block sometime “soon,” which soon literally means June. I shall expect loads of the upcoming weeks to be filled with construction process and hopefully, a new bud or two blooming in the background. Yay for spring in Michigan.
Construction season (also known as spring), has started in GRap.
We lost a driveway due to the pillaging.
A Blog With An Identity Crisis
Dear Internet:
I need your help.
Seriously.
The focus of this blog has had two major shifts of focus in the last few years. Forever and 10 days, it was all about me. Then I had the massive, emotional breakdown of a breakup with TheEx and felt it safer to blog about library school rather then vomiting up my emotional issues. Things smoothed out, I graduated and I’ve started back with the purging of thought again.
This in and of itself is not a bad thing, but that is how life works. You get engrossed in X, that fills up your time and then you move on to Z. Any kind of issue I’ve had with the blog in the last 15 (!) years has been mostly aesthetic, not technical. But in the last six months, I’ve noticed a few problems cropping up that need resolutions. This is where you, my dear Internet, come in.
- Problem One: The name.
The blog was started in 1996, the first domain was bought in 1998. While domain name has changed numerous times over the years, the title of the blog has more or less been The Lisa Chronicles. I say more or less because two shifts from that has been when I bought this domain (shesgotplans.net) in 2006 and renamed the blog thusly (And Lisa! She’s got plans!), second name shift in 2008 when I started library school (lib schooled.) and then back to the beginning with The Lisa Chronicles last summer.
This is a problem because I discovered last year, after changing back the blog name, that a woman registered the domain thelisachronicles.com and blogs very occasionally about her family, adoption, and faith. The complete polar opposite of me. There is also the erotic works of the same name, also not me. While I come up in Google search as the primary person, I find myself thinking of myself as “brand” and I’m finding myself slightly despising myself for that. I’m not a brand, I’m a person with a sparkling personality! So do I say eff the others and continue on as I am, grab a name that is a bit more encompassing of my content, change the domain name or what? - Problem Two: Content.
This is not a problem in the I don’t know what to write or really a focus anymore category. This kind of ties into problem #1 above. During the two year period I wrote mainly about library school, I received more love from the internets then some critique on pop culture, book reviews or sobbing my heart out. To wit: Bobbi Newman of Librarian by Day showcased numerous of my “So, You Want to be a Librarian/Archivist” posts on her blog, coupled with writings from other people around the web on the same topic wrapped up as a one stop guide for all things MLIS related. The link love is awesome, don’t get me wrong, I got a lot of commentary and emails from people about my work. I’m more than happy to have done this, so much so I included a tab at the top of the front page as a direct link to all the posts in that category. So the problem?Not only has Bobbi sent me nearly thousands upon thousands (She’s the library equivlent of getting /.’d) of people to my site, the number one pages on my site are the library school related ones. It’s not just Bobbi’s site either, its via search engines, other library related peeps conversating on the subject. The primary, and seemingly only reason, people come to my site (regardless of domain, name, etc) is for the library related stuff.This is a problem because when I stopped writing about library related stuff last summer, blog readership has dropped, comments dropped, everything dropped. If I write a blog post on something library related, it goes back up and then drops again when I stop on the librarianating. When TheHusband and I talked about this, he says it’s evident the people have spoken! Write more about library related stuff! But I bristle at that because for me personally, having a blog on one defined topic is just not my cup of tea. I’ve tried doing it in the past but it just doesn’t work out for me. The current idea I am having is transferring all the library related content over to Dewey District Library blog, the joint blog that Kristin and I are writing and just shoving everything over there because what has become clear is that there is a huge difference between the readership for my regular content and readership for library related content. - Problem Three: Archives.
A couple of years ago (er, yeah, that’s it), I decided to put all entries pre-2006 up on modgirl.net, and then whatever domain I was on, keep that as organic as possible. The thought process is that keeping things up at modgirl.net as it was originally posted (static HTML files) meant that once the back log was up, I’d never have to touch it again. Well. Not necessairly true. The problem with this is the domain, modgirl.net, was my primary email address and domain name for a very long time (until I got onto gMail sometime in ’05?). Checking the stats for the domain, the files were seemingly no longer being deep searched by search engines (truth be told, I could have done something to the robot.txt for that to happen) and the only email I get at modgirl.net these days is spam. Lots and lots of spam. While I’ve had the domain for over 10 years, I can no longer realistically justify keeping it anymore. My first domain ever purchased, simunye.org, was hijacked by Belgian registrar (a small company owned by a friend of a friend) when it stopped communicating me with regards to my payment (I wanted to pay, they wouldn’t respond to facilitate payment, they hijacked the domain and then RENEWED it under their name). My attachment to domains is now broken. Within the last year, I removed all the static files on modgirl.net and now modgirl.net redirects to shesgotplans.net. And of course, I never uploaded the archives into the WP database system. I don’t think this is necessiarly a problem, I think this is more of a whine of not wanting to do the work of the damn archives. 🙂 - Problem Four: Consolidation. People collect coins, stamps, shoes, fan items: I collect domains. The number of domains I’ve purchased, hosted, worked on and dropped is in the dozens. When I worked for ISPs or knew people who had their own servers in the ’90s/’00s, it was far far worse. I’m now down to 8. Two of them (modgirl.net and geekgirlinc.org) I’m letting expire for sure this year. Two of them, rabey.net/org I’ve kept for a zillion years, never did anything with but will probably keep. excessivelydiverting.net and deweydistrictlibrary.org are projects I’ll be keeping on, so they can stay. That leaves biblyotheke.net and shesgotplans.net. I think confusion lies because I use an email address on biblyotheke.net as a primary email, but I direct blog links to shesgotplans.net. Also, I styled biblyotheke.net as a portal of sorts, but with a name (digital.biblyotheke) and biblyotheke is the most used username that I use. I also wanted to use biblyotheke.net as a professional site, but right now I’m thinking that instead of sending people all over the internet, take advantage of sub-domains and just splice everything under one roof. I’ve got a couple of months until shesgotplans.net expires, but knowing me I’ll renew it for one more year to keep pointers working.
So internets, since this is looming (if not already) in the tl;dr category: Your thoughts? Comments? Am I overthinking this? Any tips or tricks? Ideas? Etc? Merci!
Of flying cars and saucer rides
When the clocks turned over from 2010 to 2011, in addition to the plethora of “Best of 2010” lists and posts, there were scads of posts across the interwebs that dealt with disappointment that now we were in 2011, where were our flying cars? Trips to the moon? Why can’t we move our molecules easily from one location to the next ala Star Trek? Why were all the things we were promised that were to happen by this time haven’t happened yet?
Was there something specific about the year 2011 that I missed? Some kind of anniversary for something? The sheer amount of posts on this topic were enough that it seemed that nearly every blog or website I crawled, someone was making a glib joke about the lack of whatever we were supposed to be having now or likewise, pointing out they were not going to make a comment on the topic but dammit, where were our phasers!?
I got to thinking about things I expected to have happened by now, when really, the list was nothing more then a litany of complaints about current services and offerings in my #firstworldlife. While there seemingly does seem to be an app for just about everything, there is still so much that is firmly quaint with antiquity.
Here’s an example: The New York Times has digitized and indexed their entire archives dating back to 18something something, but it took four months to update my phone number on my bill. Why? Because it’s manually done. Seriously. Even if you login to their website to update anything, the system is not automated. It’s passed on to someone and it is updated manually. Customer service rep confirmed it for me when I asked what was taking so long to update billing information. She wasn’t joking.
But most of my complaints, ahem, were exactly that: complaints. My issues had more to do with poor software execution/training then say something grand that is lacking in our current reality. Sure, my complaints are legit (Really, New York Times? I can’t update my own g-d phone number?) for the most part but they aren’t that important. So the post I was writing on the topic was left languid in the draft format. Over the last few months, however, I realised that it is not so much that what I was planning on saying was not relevant to the conversation of 2011 and the future, but that much of what I was having issues with was plain old information overload. Coupled with that I’ll freely admit I’m an information hoarder and you can see the problem that I’m having blossoming even larger. Whenever I start to feel anxious, which is more often than not, much of what I’m feeling anxious about has a leg in information overload. Maybe not a whole leg, but at least a toe. While I’m fantastic for information management, I’m piss poor at absorbing all this information I’m managing. Instead of managing it in a healthy way, I choose to let it build and overflow while I go hide somewhere else.
I know I’m not the only one: dozens of friends have told me over the years that occasionally they do a email/RSS/Twitter/Facebook whatever amnesty and just clear out the backlog and move forward from that day on because there is so much fucking content. Who can keep up with it all? I have a really, really hard time with letting go because you may never know when you need $it, whatever $it may be. This is also the same thought process of hoarders of things in the physical realm and I’m waiting for my turn on the television show of the same name where I’m confronted by concerned friends and family, urging me to give up one of my dozen email accounts. I just shuddered at the mere thought.
One example of my information hoarding is such: I subscribed to the main mailing list for a professional organization I am a member of and that list is incredibly active. So active that within a year nearly 2000 messages (probably much more as that is just the number gMail gave me for unread messages) had been posted to the list. How do I know this? Because I rarely, if ever, read the damned things and just let them pile up in a gMail folder allocated for said group. I finally let go and unsubscribed from the damned list. Another folder, which is a consolidation of mailing lists from various professional interest groups, is currently sitting at 1500+ messages, dating back to over a year, most of them unread. I tell myself I will go back and play “catch up” but in reality, I never actually do. The longer I wait on reading said messages, the less relevant they become but I continue to convince myself that this is not so. And with me, it’s just not email; it’s also Facebook, RSS feeds, Twitter, LiveJournal, Tumblr and the list goes on. When I get up in the morning, In order of checking for new information it goes email->Facebook->Twitter->RSS feeds->Tumblr->Friend Feed->LiveJournal->everything else. This does not include wandering around the interwebs when someone passes on a link of interest to me personally or I find something via one of my other outlets. And most of the time, it stops after Twitter because I have ended up spending most of my day tracking down bits & pieces of superficial interest rather than read up on my passions.
Sometimes, I don’t get me.
Parallel to this problem is that I’m interested in A LOT of stuff, with some of it specific (Jane Austen) and some of it very broad (music). To compensate, I subscribe/obtain to everything I can find my hands on that may cover the topic in some form. This is how it always begins and thusly gets me into trouble/panic mode: I get interested in something (medieval history) and instead of cultivating to a specific niche (the role of women in the middle ages) or context (life in northern England from 800-1100 CE), I grab everything that broadly goes on the topic, get overwhelmed by sheer amount of information and then walk away, letting it rot. Then I’ll come back some period of time (days/weeks/months), revive my interest in it again and the cycle starts all over. While everyone seems to wish for contact with Martians, flying cars and ability to transport in microseconds from one side of the world to the other, I think the only thing I would like is more human contact. Less time attempting to play catch-up with the internets and more time playing catchup with friends. I wish to move way from the constant Tweeting/texting/Tumblring/Facebooking and more to random drop-ins with friends/postcards/phone calls. More face to face time with people I love and less stress about missing out on supposedly important information. Less time correcting the internet and more about spirited conversations at coffee shops and pubs.
You know a nod back to the good olde days when technology was supposed to free of us and make us less dependent on the very premise to spend more time with friends and family and instead, technology has enslaved us. We’re so busy upgrading, downgrading, unfriending, unfollowing to manage our lives that we forget that our lives are passing us by but we keep thinking that by consolidating, informating, streamlining we’re going to be able to get that time back we have missed.
We are the fools – the time is never coming back.
Ever.
Throbbing Manor – Gardens
TheHusband and I have been trolling Home Depot, Lowe’s and Mendard’s almost every weekend looking for garden/outdoorsy based things, impatiently waiting for the weather to break so we can start work on our yard. On one hand, we’re extremely lucky as we have no grass. No grass means no lawn mower needed! Instead, we have English Ivy and a yard that was landscaped an inch to its life. On the other, the clean up (since the flippers did not pull any of the plants not destined for hard snows and winters) is going to be long, tedious and incredibly overwhelming. I’ve got nearly a dozen planters, filled with various dead plants that were left outside all winter long, sitting on our veranda making it look like a dead plant cemetery.
While most of our friends have been hard at work on their gardens for prep for the upcoming season, we’ve been a little lax on that. But even in our laziness, flowers and buds have started to bloom. I took my DSLR (Pentax K-X) out for some fun yesterday afternoon, using the standard macro lense coupled with the toy camera filter (a digital filter available on the camera), took various shots around our front yard. You can see the entire stream here. I plan on updating that stream more as the spring and summer days progress and you can get a better sense of our gardens.
Birdbath in our front yard.
Mixed crocuses.
Veranda bank wall and water spout.
Morris Street Project: March 19, 2011
Morris Street Project, Week 1
Back in high school, I remember for a biology or some class, we had a group project where we tracked a specific area of land over the course of the semester to learn about the subtly of nature and how change slowly happens. A few years ago, armed with that same idea, I started tracking the growth of the daffodils at Wilcox Park, which after a month or so I abandoned.
Three weeks ago, after receiving my iPad2, I stepped outside on a fairly bright Saturday morning and started taking pictures just to see how well the camera worked. The idea of tracking something over a period of time still appealed to me, coupled with spring finally coming into its own after such a long winter. Doing the tracking using my iPad2 to illustrate the camera clarity and use was also bonus. Also showing off the garden work that TheHusband and I are doing couldn’t hurt either.
While I lapsed for a few weeks, I stepped out and shot images this morning after walking Wednesday. But because there is so much happening on our street right now, it didn ‘t seem fair to start today without giving you a context of the before. So thus every Saturday I will publish the images I took the week before.
Below are the images I shot on March 19 and you can still see some of snow mounds, I had not taken the live wreath down yet and to be honest, nothing physically outside has changed much in the missing weeks so I feel comfortable using this as a starting point.
But just wait until you see the images I took from today… 🙂
Looking south, at Morris and Logan streets.
Throbbing Manor