I’m writing this down for me, not for you.
I’m writing this down to remind me in 3.5 months what I need to remember the most: to be myself.
I’m writing this down so that I can remember what I was like before and can compare it for after.
As many of you have known, I recently started talking to my Daniel Cleaver again and while many of you may not know who he is, which is fine (lisa’s past is one that needs maps and keys), it’s truly amazing how far and different we have come since we had dated. One thing that has been clarified to what happened when we met and the break down of our relationship that we can now look at it five years later and say “yes, that makes perfect sense”. This applies to now and does it ever.
When I found out that pukkelpop.be was being held at the end of August and not in the middle like I had thought, my heart was literally crushed. Then I found out that the Leeds/reading festivals were being held the week before (for refrences, classes start on august 25, pukkelpop.be aug 28/29/30), i cursed the gods above. Then ben drops this bombshell on me earlier today that he’s planning on going to Sweden for 3 weeks in august (maybe, he’s not sure.) and I thought “Okay, the $Dieties hate me. Not only have i not gotten my INS crap yet, but now even if i had an American passport, I can’t even go to europe because the one person who I want to see is LEAVING”. Well, i lied. What I told ben actually was “OH. Guess we won’t hook up this summer at all.” Because fuck you, I’m still going. And he comes back with “Well, I thought you could come a few weeks earlier.”
The whole world was wide open.
I realised this last night when I was reading about what to do in the summer in Europe. ALL THESE FUCKING CHOICES and it’s scary. I had said to him ” you know, without a music festival we can do something together or something.” and if he said “You know lisa, i think you’re one scary American.” I would have respected that because i didn’t’ EXPECT him to say ‘yes’. I didn’t. Spend two weeks with me? Me spend two weeks with him traipsing all over the french and Belgian countryside? Hahah. Ben is so not spontaneous. He’s not the spontaneous type.
I expected him to say “maybe” or “let me see” not yes.
But then he said yes. Just like that. Yes.
Then I said, wait a minute. I had to confer with summer school. Summer school ends July 9, but, i have directed class all summer every few weeks and there is a class on July 19 and august 9. So if i’m going to europe, it has to be between July 20-august 8 or august 10-24. Then he said I’m going to Sweden (maybe) from august 2-28. Then we nailed down the dates.
Then i said “ben, i need to know so i can plan are you planning on coming with me the WHOLE time? or are you staying a few days? or what?”
I mean if i meet up with him for a few days and then go to London to hang out with Alice/Jon and then to reading to bug Andy and then venture up to Edinburgh and hang out there for awhile, it’ll be good. I can do that. I can do europe nearly solo. ANd he said “The whole time.”
Then we both said at the same time “What do you want to do?” Because now we are not tied to the music festivals anymore, so suddenly the whole world is open.
And we laughed. He said how odd and I said how funny we both asked that, at the same time.
I said “Well, I’ve never been to europe.” duh. i am QUEEN of obvious. “What would you like to do?”
then i said “I know what i want. No computers.”
He agreed wholeheartedly.
Then he said “I don’t snore and I don’t fart in the dark.”
And i started laughing so hard I about fell out of my chair. Literally, fell out of my chair.
I kept laughing.
I told him, if i was in europe and didn’t get to the UK, I’d DIE. I also told him that I wanted to see Paris. I asked him how far Paris was from his house. He said 2.5 hours. That floors me. I told him Belgium sounded so fucking cool. SURROUNDED BY FIVE COUNTRIES! He said what about Germany? They are just if not more surrounded. I said Germany was cool, but not AS cool. I didn’t know anyone in Germany. He laughed.
So I’m flying to Brussels. I’m staying at a hotel (albeit a cheap one) for a day or so. Flights land like at the crack of dawn, and we are six hours behind Belgium so it’ll be middle of the night for me. But i will be wired on adrenaline. Then we are either going to London to hang out or to France first. I told him no timetables. Yes to seeing the sights but no to timetables. I want to RELAX. I haven’t had a vacation to have a vacation in years.
I just emailed him and told him. I don’t want to think or care or anything. I just want to be and pick flowers, watch star showers and go swimming. Drink great wine and go karoking.
And maybe paint his toenails while I’m at it.
I had all this stuff I wanted to say. All this stuff about time and chance and relationships and about expectations but what i leared from DC was to not compete with myself. What will happen will.
I just need to remember that.
I’m writing this down for me, not for you.