sWEeT dreams

Today and tonight ended up being pretty darn internesting.
I stayed up till 7am working on my portfolio and ended up blowing off my Astronomy quiz (which I’ve been calling my midterm, but isn’t) and I emailed the prof and rescheduled it for when we are back in school next week after fall break. Woke up late as shit and drove like a bat out of hell to AQ to drop off said portfolio. Also sent the letter I wrote to Miguel. Picked up my Modern Cinema final, and aced it. I’m not quite sure how one would get a B or lower in that class.
Forgot my cell at home and didn’t get a chance to call darkdepths until much later when I got home. Due to time constraints, we met up for Qdoba and went to Best Buy to return one of my digital cameras because a toggle fell off and got it totally replaced. Also picked up a 64Mb memory card for it and we headed off to the tattoo shop so that I could get the other Buttercup finished.
I told darkdepths I was glad she was coming with me because I was feeling really trepidatious about going especially after what happened last week and the previous week. Well, color me shocked as when I got there, A. treated it like it never happened. In fact she told me that R. busted his ankle and leg while in the mosh pit last night and was at the hospital. I felt terrible, but yet in a way I didn’t. From what was being said to me via A, it was like things were going to go back to the way they were — with no thought about the business OR the fact he smacked her up.
I wandered over to Pip’s studio and apologized for being late. He was tattooing a girl and wasn’t done with her yet and it was her first tattoo (poor girl she was frightened). I said quite loudly “Hey pip! Did you hear I was a lesbian and was trying to steal A. away?” He said “You know, I was going to ask you about that. R. was telling people that all over the shop and I thought he was nuts considering you’ve had boyfriends etc” We started laughing. Pip hates R. and vice versa. I made the decision I’m going to stay away from the shop unless I really need to go. I’ll keep throwing my business there but R. gives bad juju and I doubt anything will change.
Since Pip couldn’t fit me in that night, I rescheduled for Saturday night, with darkdepths in tow. We decided to go back my house and chill for awhile and see what was going on, watch movies and the like. Came home and Ben had been messaging me and he was drunk. We said “WOOHOO!” and after walking the dogs, convinced him to get on VoIP with us. WELL! I’m not quite sure how it started but we started taking pictures and trading (we went and then he went). What ended up was staged shots and naked photos on both sides! WOOHOO!
The public post was one of them, the icon in this journal is another. The rest are online but not in the gallery nor are they in my usual directory either. šŸ˜‰ The irony to this was that she and I were almost totally sober while he, was not. It’s amusing and yet secure in a way she and I just stripped naked and posed all over my apartment. But it was fun. Ben asked if we could do this every friday night and we laughed. I kept asking him if he was going to regret doing this later when he wakes up and realises what he’s done. LOL. He said no — but we have got him almost convinced to come to the States, which ruled in my book. šŸ™‚
A very good time was had by all.

cracked halo

Getting fired has done wonders for my social life.
First my chiropractor was hitting on me. Well, he was being overly flirtatious. He’s this 5’8 yuppie punk but he’s funny and he makes the owie in my back go away. We were talking about tattoos and I told him about the whole Ben thing and he said “I just BET you are fun to hang out with”. He LOVED ben’s reaction to the whole thing.
Yeah, barrel of laughs. i watch tivo and play video games! But hey, if he thinks i’m the life of the party then so be it.
Secondly, I’ve been hanging out with Jenni and her husband, Jesse. Last night was all american food fest of mac’n’cheese, green beans, and cherry cheesecake. We played UNO all night and it was FUN. After my second appointment at the chiro today, I met up with Jenni for cawfee at a local bookstore (hells yes i will boycott my explace of employment) and there was a cute barista working and I gave him a long lingering look directly in his eye. Why the hell am I getting so brazen?
Jen and I hung out for better part of the afternoon today and in which, I found the solution to my cd storage problem. You see I have about 500 cds and no method of displaying them. Most cases were far out of my price range and I could not find anything that I liked and sure enough, Linens’N’Things had really cute on-floor displays
I bought two.
Sorry for the long URL.
Anyways, so my big friday night plans were to do the GREAT CD ORGANIZATION OF 2003! I’m anal about books and music organization, I like to know what I have. Seeing as I have bought or almost bought duplicates and triplicate of things, but that didn’t pan out.
You see, I almost had a blind date tonight, but I pussied out.
I mentioned the personal ads a week or so ago, and well, it turns out GR has a few interesting men. I use “few” loosely because that is literally all there is. At any rate, I’ve been corresponding with a few via email and one asked if wanted to meet up for some bier, but I chickened out, LIKE i always do. I get so damn insecure, I need to wash insecurity out the window.
I’m working on it.
Anyways, so Jenni said ‘Hey, Jesse and I can come with you to dinner tonight with BlindDateMan and that way you guys won’t be so uncomfortable.” Which is cool and all but I know J, she’ll tell stories about flinging my bra into the ceiling fan when we were in high school and other neat stuff. Like ditching our prom dates. hah. Anyways, for once, I didn’t mind that she would embarrass me (because I love you lee!) which is a change from before, i would have died. My how things have changed.
Jay said that Jesee commented that since I’ve been back I’ve been a lot more relaxed, which holds the theory that I was right about the $Coffeeshopwhoshallnotbenamed in firing me. I went and picked up my paycheck and they said neither jack nor shit to me. Which was fine, I did not care. I’m not gonna stress over what happened because they were so insecure.
I was to call Jay later on after I got home but it slipped my mind as I had talked to Danny almost immediately after walking in the door and told him that I had gotten fired and then I asked him what he was doing tonight and we agreed he’d come over for pizza and help me organize cds. Well then Jay called shortly after and I knew Danny would be here at 6:15pm or so and even though I knew Jay for 15 years, she’s never met Danny. So I said “Hey, lets all meet up for dinner.” So they agreed to come over to my pad since they had not seen it yet.
SO they get here around 7:30 or so and Danny is still not here yet. I called him and he said “i’ll be over in a minute.” Well another hour goes by and I’m like “wtf” and Jay said “Lee, I love you, but I have kids to get home to, and we need to eat” and I didn’t blame them at all. I kept apologizing, I mean Danny had been late but not THIS late before. So I called his house and got his answering machine and hung up, thinking he was on his way over. Another 1/2 hour goes by (Danny lives no more then 20 minutes in SUPER HEAVY traffic away) and I call him again and leave a very VERY curt message. I tack this BIG sign on my door that said “Danny, thanks for standing me up. Lisa” and left. We decided to go for steak at Logan’s. We JUST turned onto the main highway and my cell rang and it was Danny. He asked where we were and I told him and asked where was he. He said I just came from your house. I said oh you saw my note? And he said, no, i just drove by and didn’t see your car so I left. I said Jeff has my car, what the fuck, you’ve come over before with my car being gone and it’s never been a problem before?
He asked where we were going and I told him and asked if he would meet up with us and he said “I think not.” I was REALLY angry. Pissed. I felt it in the pit of my stomach. I hung up on him. We get to Logan’s and Jay asked what Danny looked like and I described him “Tall, bald, goatee, wears tshirt and jeans” because she thought he’d come up and I said “no, he wouldn’t dare. I hung up on him.”
He showed up as we were eating appetizers.
So it turns out, that Danny’s sister lives across the street from Jenni and Jesse and they were good friends with her and yet they never met Danny. How funny.
Danny drops me off and the next thing i know we are making out like two teenagers in my parking lot. NOt just kissing but serious making out. I stopped and giggled and left before it got too heavy. What the fuck has come over me. God. I want the world and I know he won’t or can’t give it to me. Jesse is right, we use each other for convenience.
So i get home and I have a message on my answering machine.
It was CoffeShopBoy.
Backstory: Coffeeshopboy is a guy I worked with at $Placethatwillnotbenamed. He was literally one of the cooler people there. He ALSO had the same musical taste as I did (rough range) and he was a reader and writer (bad grammar but fuck it. It’s 3am). He was interested in the same authors as I was. We always had a blast working together.
He’s 21.
He has a girlfriend.
Lisa does not tread on other women’s property. Friends yes, but that is where the line is drawn.
I was so just aghast he didn’t know Joy Division for fuck sake! Or has HEARD New Order Substance for the love of pete. It was a travesty.
So I made him a mixed cd. Keth was calling me “Mrs. Rob Gordon” from the movie “High Fidelity”. Hey, I have my morals. I do not tread on taken ground.
He was just so fucking cool and he was going to school to be a journalist and well, it was just damn cool. I fretted because I liked him as FRIEND and I wanted to convey that because finding cool people to hang out with in this town sucks ass.
Unlike Ben, I just want to jump ben’s bones until he forgets his own name because ben is just all around sexy in that tall european cool as hell way.
But I digress.
End of backstory.
So he leaves this rambling message about how much he liked the cd and he heard I had been let go and how much that sucked. And he told me he liked the bands I had selected, especially Interpol and Catherine Wheel. Hoped that he saw me around some time and to take care and then suggested a band for me to check out (Sheila Divines, very cool!).
So I called him at home. Got in touch with his roommate who when I told him that the owner of $Shopthatwillnotbenamed compared me to him (roommate used to work there as well) when they fired me and he laughed and said he knew who I was, that CoffeeShopBoy had talked about me (!??!). SO I gave Roommate my number and told him to have COffeeshopboy call me.
COffeeshopboy is in a band, very pixie-ramones-emo. Pretty good stuff actually, raw but good. I liked it. turned out he had put his email address in the cd cover, which I had not checked till this week and I have had the cd for almost two weeks. Doh. So I emailed him as well and told him I had called him at home, hope he hadn’t minded and that i’m glad he liked the cd and that to call me to go for a beer or whatever.
So, BlindDateMan.
while were waiting on Danny to SHOW HIS FAT ASS UP, we swapped pics online and BlindDateMan is ALSO in a band (what is with me and musicians lately?) and he said I looked like his exgf (heh). I get that a lot actually. BlindDateMan and I swapped this fairly long missives via email and he got a kick out of my gallery online. I gave him my cell number but he never called. Huh. Men are fucked. I mean we exchange missives that are fairly personal and no phone call. I also gave another guy my numbers as well, he was quite fun to talk to as well.
My luck?
The world falls out and CoffeeShopBoy will never call me or email me (which means, well, no chance of hanging out with a cool person platonically). The BlindDateMan will suddenly develop amnesia and other guy will be a freaky stalker who I’ll have to kill to keep myself safe.
I do not have good luck with men. Period. WHy OH WHY can’t it be easier to just bash them over the head and said “GRUNT. Me lisa You Man. You Mine.”
I bloody fucking hate dating.
Or, pretending to date as it were.
That is all gracie.
ps: If you are single, stay away! I’m ovulating and my pheromones are going ape shit! Back off or you will be pounced!

sex and the single girl

I e-mailed someone a few days ago I had an interest in last year, a link to my newest tattoo because I knew he would be interested in the body art (being a connoisseur of tattoos himself). I had not spoken to this person since earlier this year when he had e-mailed me apologizing for more or less dissing me (there is of course more to the story and while it’s not complicated, this is just the quick and dirty way of explaining things) when I was living in Virginia. The whole situation was very intense to begin with and at one point i had wanted him so much i ached.
It had been so long since i had ached (and it was not just a sexual ache) that I quite enjoyed aching (for what it’s worth). I digress. So he emails me back today and tells me his best friend (who is a girl) and he are dating, something I knew was going to eventually happen. There were so many LARGE BRIGHT fingers pointing to the situation from the very beginning of our introduction that I found myself erasing what I was typing today because everything sounded petty, even when it wasn’t meant to be. My words to him were short and to the point. The nicknames were long tossed aside and he got removed from “mine” to “hers.” It did not matter that we no longer spoke, that’s just the way it is.
This is why you never EVER go back, even with the most innocent of intentions.
Last week, Danny had come over and we watched Secretary, which was one pretty sensual movie and I highly recommend it. On the way out the door, Danny leaned in and licked my ear. I don’t know if he was trying to be cute, sexual, gross or what, but I freaked out and started hopping around going “ewwww” because his slobber was running down my ear drum. It was NOT sensual or sexual all. Later on I felt bad for being such a ditz that I kept messaging him to come out with me this weekend to go see X-Men:2 so that we could hang out together and finally got a response from him that we would meet up Saturday afternoon when he got home from work at my apartment.
Now my goal Saturday was to get up early, study, then get sexy for the “date.”
This is not what happened.
I woke up at 1:30pm (Danny was to meet me at 3:00pm) with a headache that was literally like having nails split through my skull. I laid in agony for a few minutes but the dogs were begging to go out so I stumbled into my kitchen where I was trying to get their food and I ended up vomiting into the sink. Mainly mucus, my stomach was making these jarring noises that kept making me feel more ill, so while I’m retching over the sink, i am shoving a blueberry muffin down my throat to quiet the jarring. God it was bizarre. Dogs get let out, fed, aleeve popped and I can’t shake this headache.
I almost fainted in my bathroom when I vomited into the toilet (while still shoving blueberry muffin down my throat btw) and finally dragged my arse off to bed where i laid down for a half hour. Danny showed up and when I asked him to please stay with me, he refused. He didn’t want to ‘sleep’ as he called it and all i wanted was someone to hold me because I felt like shit.
Apparently in the span of time between our conversation and him walking down to his car with a “I’ll see you later” motif, I ran outside in my pajamas to beg him to stay. I just did not want to sleep the day away and be alone. It was so beautiful outside and my headache was slowly subsiding. I made him promise to come pick me up at 5pm so that we could go out.
Some very wise women had said that you could be sexy at any size, age, or whatever. It was all about the attitude. I’ve been downright tired of my style lately and I needed something “new.” My hair, which is growing like a weed, cannot be tamed. I am so afraid that if i go see a hair stylist that I’ll end up with short butchy hair and as cute as that was I WILL HAVE HAIR DOWN TO THE MIDDLE OF BACK. Even if it is curly. Even if it looks like i stuck a finger in a light socket. So there is that.
Then there is my style. People keep telling me i dress “cute” but I’m bored and need something new. I am however poor and raided my closet trying things on. Yes it was to go out with Danny, but who cares? I need to spice things up as the whole tshirt and jeans thing is getting boring (again). I tried on shirt after shirt after shirt and nothing was just well screaming WEAR ME. I swapped out cute strappy sandals for the flip flops and wore jeans instead of a skirt. I still refuse to go shopping before I go to Sac and Vegas AND until i weed out my closet and maybe I can find sexy another time. I think I’ll pick up a few books on what to do with medium length curly hair because this is killing me.
We go to the movies and see X:Men-2 (hello! Colossus is 6’8 of MUSCLE rowr!) which was great (and I bet the dvd will have loads of neat crap) and we decide what to do with dinner. The problem with Danny is that he cannot be decisive. He will not make a firm commitment on something he wants, it’s bloody fucking annoying. I’ve been dying to try out new restaurants and since it seems the only way to go to these places is solo, which I’m fine with, I do it quite a lot actually. So we end up at a local eatery and he was telling me how a friend of his is paying for him to fly down to see her in Texas. I keep poking fun about he’s going to get laid (he’s wearing a tshirt that says “Man Whore” on the front this whole time) and he keep saying nothing is going to happen, which i tease and say oh yes it is. He’s such a whore! Blah blah. He says yeah it probably will but he’s not counting on it as the last time he had a vacation was when I was living in San Francisco and he came out to visit. This was six years ago.
He also starts teasing me back about how I won’t “give it up” and he gets all defensive about how he hasn’t had sex since January and it is not because he has fuck buddies, because he does, but because he wants something more. The whole conversation was weird and while we were sitting at the restaurant he literally shouts:
“Danny don’t think that section (I’m pointing to about 25′ away) heard you.” He looks. “Yah they probably did.”
He also goes on (loudly) about how I’ve been back for nearly five months and I tease and do not put out. How I will never probably put out. It’s so difficult to put out to someone who refers to their fucking penis as being “hung as a hamster” (His reasoning? Because if he tells them he is hung like a hamster then they won’t be disappointed to find out he’s not. Okay then.). Who also farts and belches. I realise as humans that we have bodily functions but when someone is laying with their head in your lap, it’s not cute to far, no matter WHAT you think.
It’s difficult to want to have sex with someone who passive aggressive. Geez, you know I’ve laid this out so clearly before it’s becoming monotonous. A few choice things just need to occur to get me going and it’s not even that difficult. Danny falls in the Paul category that once I’ve slept with you, romance and passion are out the window. We no longer have to work for it so buh-bye.
And you people wonder why I left?
It has always made me giggle to see condoms next to tampons, even though I know they fall into the whole “family planning” stages. A difficult conundrum has been what to do when I meet a guy to uh, date, as it were. Do i buy condoms ahead of time? Do I let him take the responsibility? What kind do I buy? The last two men I slept with (Paul and Justin) both wore Magnums, x-large condoms. Nothing is more humorous than going to a store to buy condoms with a tall white boy and having a black woman ring you up and eye your boyfriend as she passes the condoms over the scanner.
Back in my early 20s, I used to carry condoms in my wallet. I was not sleeping around by a long shot, but when I was in a serious relationship I did not want to be told ‘no’ because we didn’t have protection. Now I don’t know if I’m so crazy about that idea anymore, mainly because I’m terribly afraid of even dating someone again.
Therein lies the irony.
Which hasn’t stopped me from putting up personal ads.
Graham once said that it seems the more we throw to the world the more we hope that someone will come back to stick (not his exact words, I’m paraphrasing) and I’m finding that the more I keep throwing out the net the more it seems the more disgruntled i get. It seems no matter HOW specific i get in the damn ads I always get the most fucking end all be all of losers who respond. Some are just so far out of what I am like and specify that I wonder what the fuck they are smoking to think I would be remotely interested.
I’ll probably pull the ads, again.
Because after viewing what Grand Rapids has to offer the single girl, I’d rather date my vibrator.
Which goes without saying about my friendships with guys who do not live here.
Like with Ben.
Ben’s safe because he’s 4k miles away.
Ben’s also pretty passive-aggressive but more in a good sense and not in a bad sense. Ben’s also pretty cute.
I have zero idea if we would date if were living in the same zip code, hell the same time zone but I do know that it’s safe and protected and when he pisses me the fuck off I can “turn him off”. That’s what so great about online relationships. There is enough intensity to feel real but the strangeness of it allows for the double check of reality. It doesn’t matter with platonic or romantic, it just is.
Don’t ask me what happens when we meet up in Europe this summer, because I’ll be travelling with him for at least a week. I do know he does not snore so hey, what more can a girl ask for?
All I know when it comes to love, I want someone who isn’t afraid to take chances. Someone who has quiet passions burning within their soul.

Europe for Tall people

I’m writing this down for me, not for you.
I’m writing this down to remind me in 3.5 months what I need to remember the most: to be myself.
I’m writing this down so that I can remember what I was like before and can compare it for after.
As many of you have known, I recently started talking to my Daniel Cleaver again and while many of you may not know who he is, which is fine (lisa’s past is one that needs maps and keys), it’s truly amazing how far and different we have come since we had dated. One thing that has been clarified to what happened when we met and the break down of our relationship that we can now look at it five years later and say “yes, that makes perfect sense”. This applies to now and does it ever.
When I found out that pukkelpop.be was being held at the end of August and not in the middle like I had thought, my heart was literally crushed. Then I found out that the Leeds/reading festivals were being held the week before (for refrences, classes start on august 25, pukkelpop.be aug 28/29/30), i cursed the gods above. Then ben drops this bombshell on me earlier today that he’s planning on going to Sweden for 3 weeks in august (maybe, he’s not sure.) and I thought “Okay, the $Dieties hate me. Not only have i not gotten my INS crap yet, but now even if i had an American passport, I can’t even go to europe because the one person who I want to see is LEAVING”. Well, i lied. What I told ben actually was “OH. Guess we won’t hook up this summer at all.” Because fuck you, I’m still going. And he comes back with “Well, I thought you could come a few weeks earlier.”
The whole world was wide open.
I realised this last night when I was reading about what to do in the summer in Europe. ALL THESE FUCKING CHOICES and it’s scary. I had said to him ” you know, without a music festival we can do something together or something.” and if he said “You know lisa, i think you’re one scary American.” I would have respected that because i didn’t’ EXPECT him to say ‘yes’. I didn’t. Spend two weeks with me? Me spend two weeks with him traipsing all over the french and Belgian countryside? Hahah. Ben is so not spontaneous. He’s not the spontaneous type.
I expected him to say “maybe” or “let me see” not yes.
But then he said yes. Just like that. Yes.
Then I said, wait a minute. I had to confer with summer school. Summer school ends July 9, but, i have directed class all summer every few weeks and there is a class on July 19 and august 9. So if i’m going to europe, it has to be between July 20-august 8 or august 10-24. Then he said I’m going to Sweden (maybe) from august 2-28. Then we nailed down the dates.
Then i said “ben, i need to know so i can plan are you planning on coming with me the WHOLE time? or are you staying a few days? or what?”
I mean if i meet up with him for a few days and then go to London to hang out with Alice/Jon and then to reading to bug Andy and then venture up to Edinburgh and hang out there for awhile, it’ll be good. I can do that. I can do europe nearly solo. ANd he said “The whole time.”
Then we both said at the same time “What do you want to do?” Because now we are not tied to the music festivals anymore, so suddenly the whole world is open.
And we laughed. He said how odd and I said how funny we both asked that, at the same time.
I said “Well, I’ve never been to europe.” duh. i am QUEEN of obvious. “What would you like to do?”
then i said “I know what i want. No computers.”
He agreed wholeheartedly.
Then he said “I don’t snore and I don’t fart in the dark.”
And i started laughing so hard I about fell out of my chair. Literally, fell out of my chair.
I kept laughing.
I told him, if i was in europe and didn’t get to the UK, I’d DIE. I also told him that I wanted to see Paris. I asked him how far Paris was from his house. He said 2.5 hours. That floors me. I told him Belgium sounded so fucking cool. SURROUNDED BY FIVE COUNTRIES! He said what about Germany? They are just if not more surrounded. I said Germany was cool, but not AS cool. I didn’t know anyone in Germany. He laughed.
So I’m flying to Brussels. I’m staying at a hotel (albeit a cheap one) for a day or so. Flights land like at the crack of dawn, and we are six hours behind Belgium so it’ll be middle of the night for me. But i will be wired on adrenaline. Then we are either going to London to hang out or to France first. I told him no timetables. Yes to seeing the sights but no to timetables. I want to RELAX. I haven’t had a vacation to have a vacation in years.
I just emailed him and told him. I don’t want to think or care or anything. I just want to be and pick flowers, watch star showers and go swimming. Drink great wine and go karoking.
And maybe paint his toenails while I’m at it.
I had all this stuff I wanted to say. All this stuff about time and chance and relationships and about expectations but what i leared from DC was to not compete with myself. What will happen will.
I just need to remember that.

One thing leads to another

Shooting at the walls of heartache, BANG BANG
so last night ben and i were using this nifty software so we could talk voice over ip and man was it crystal clear, Anyways, so we were talking both kind of waiting for the war to start (is this how it starts now? you know baby share this war with me?) and well there was no big KABOOM and well i can’t speak for him but damn i felt very anticlimactic. Kind of like when you really dig someone and find out they are crappy kissers, that kind of anticlimactic. But we both thought it would be DAMN cool to be like, talking on-line via VOIP and he’s in Belgium and I’m in the US and the war start. You know, all tragic romancey kind of thing in the bizarre kind of surreal way kind of crap. And I was laughing absurdly at the whole thing and the fact i locked my door when I was going to bed that you know, WW3 is starting and here i am LOCKING MY DOOR. I laughed. I’ve been doing that a lot lately.
SO! things have been weird around these parts. I went and got a new tattoo:
(It’s fake. The Ben is that is. The tattoo. Not the person. I mean if the person was fake, my GOD do i have an imagination and who the hell have I been talking to lately)
But damn! Some people over on my livejournal were all freaking out 10 ways to Sunday and well, i wanted to have fun with people so i told some that, BEN AND I WERE GETTING MARRIED! In GREECE! (We moved it from the South of France to Greece you see). And I was having fun and people believed Ben and I were getting married and well the fun kinda stopped being fun cos no one would play into it. And then I got bored. heh.
But I should marry ben. I mean he’s tall, cute, British, reads, he’s geeky, plays video games and the great part is HE DOES NOT SNORE!
is that a girls dream or what.
I’m kidding.
So anyways, what I did was have this redone:
My mom’s name on my arm, I had Amy re-do as the coloring had come out and everyone was like that was a really great faded effect’ and well it was NOT supposed to be faded and well that is partially my fault but she said she was going to do it for free so HEY who was I to pass that up. I talked to her about my back, which is my next project. I’m going to have half a belt encircle the butterfly so it peeks out from my pants/jeans and then work my way up. I was thinking kanji and I definitely want a piece at the nape of my spine but hey, i’m a broke college student so she’s working out a deal with me and charging me 50/hr instead of 85/hr and we are blocking off two hour time frames and doing this once a month. Except probably in May and August (Vegas baby! and Europe!)
So she’s working on my arm and I told her I was teasing a friend about getting his name tattoo’d on me and I asked her to do it with a sharpie and take a picture of it and she thought it was great idea, so she did! So I giggled all the way home madly and hoping ben was still on-line and he was! And he was like, shocked. it was funny šŸ™‚ Relived I think when I told him it was sharpie and it will fade (like so: https://exitpursuedbyabear.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/bentat.jpg — you try taking a pic of your ass :). I told him last night I never once thought he might figure i was like some really CRAZY (seriously) bitch living in the US. Good thing he has a sense of humour.
Sometimes thinking ruins everything. šŸ™‚
What else, well, I got the COOLEST present yesterday:
ohmygod, I LOVE that book and i’m so mad when i lost it. That made me SUPER happy! Ben rules šŸ™‚
And what else, oh i got my UUNet bonus check and also my sprint refund check which meant I got to go spend 50 bucks in books at half.com. heh.
My poli sci exam is pushed back five days. I’m late writing my women writers midterm and I’ve been sitting here bouncing around to 80s music. hahaha. I so want to be out frolicking on the beaches of Mediterranean and NOT in the US.
oh yah.
kethryvis and i have been sitting here doing our horroscopes with mens we have crushes on. you soooooooo know when you like someone when your sitting here figuring out what the hell your chances are with someone. I told her we needed to be in our pjs, hair in rollers drinking hotcocoa having a slumber party.
Except she’s 3k miles away :/
hahaha. we are pathetic.

shameful secrets

i have a “date” with danny tomorrow night.
It isn’t really a date. It comes down to whose house we are gonna hang out vs who has money so we’ll probably end up at my house watching movies instead of going out and eating popcorn.
No, I’m not gonna sleep with him. i promise.
boy-across-the-seas and the gf didn’t work out — shame. But then the motherfucker told me what the final xmas present he got me was! (we swapped three):
Which blew my mind, because this was the fav book of mine from childhood! Apparently amazon.com has been having issues with it.
He’s invited me to http://www.rockwerchter.be, and said we could split a tent. Oh lucky me right. The only problem with that is I’m going to Vegas end of May – can’t do both in a short amount of time.
BUT in august i’m heading out to http://www.pukkelpop.be/ or to the Reading/Leeds festivle.
I will be in europe in august, come hellor fucking high water.
Men. need an instruction booklet. YES, Aaron i know you are not like them at all šŸ˜€

On men, me and goals

It talks about sex. and other stuff. Don’t read if you really don’t want to know.
This is NOT about male-bashing. Sorry to disappoint šŸ˜‰
It’s going on nearly 3 months since I’ve had sex (it actually maybe longer..), but, It feels like forever. And with all the hoopla with me and Paul, it got even worse when we were living together, where I’d stalk him like a cat and he’d tell me I was too aggressive or whatever, so while having sex was possible it didn’t happen enough for me to be ‘satisfied’. That was a status of our relationship. Sex was a mindgame and after 3 years, I wanted just some nice and easy sexors and I sure as hell wasn’t getting any. and foreplay? HAH! HAH. Paul didn’t believe in foreplay. Paul’s words were, who needed foreplay when I was ‘easy’? Uh, sure buddy. www.blowfish.com is your friend, gf.
I haven’t spoken to the boy-who-lives-across-the-sea in almost a week. To some that may not mean much but consider we talked everyday for nearly a year and then well, he gets a local gf and suddenly we do not speak (hence my comment earlier on lj). And I’m not angry because I have to remind myself that I cannot have him anyways, this is my mantra: I CANNOT HAVE HIM. PERIOD. And there are all these THINGS in my head that I must repeat to myself or else I will go insane because I have to recognize the following:

  1. My promise of no dating for a year. Remember? Part of the reason why I moved back to GR. I’ve even cut Danny (local ex bf for those just tuning in) off at the pass for sex because of 50 million issues with him (my god though he still looks good to me). Because I feel like I’m worth more and you know, yah sorry if i’m aĀ monogamousĀ nympho (my term), but wait, I’m not sorry for being me but, you know just because you hit it once does NOT mean I’m always open. I am NOT 7-11 contrary to popular belief. Then Danny did his whole “but i put my life on hold for you” crap and you know, for someone who supposedly LOVES me stop mother fucking whining. I’ve been home for nearly THREE MONTHS and he’s made very little effort to see me. Next.
  2. None of you cocksuckers are paying my bills. In short, I need to kick this OCD habit of staying online, playing video games or whatever because in the end, I AM 30 and I need to get a life and playing game cube, the sims or chatting with the bitches just aint gonna cut it. Yah, it is fun, yah it’s a great relaxer but i have to learn how to say NO and leave when the time comes.
  3. I’m holding out for something better. Even if i hadn’t put this so calledĀ invisibleĀ chastiy belt on myself, I’d still say no, because you know what, I’m tired of chasing. I am. I’m tired of being the aggressor. I’d like having the guys chase ME for once and I cannot tell you the last time that happened. Certainly not in recent memory. And I want someone more like me. I do. I am NOT a boring or a static person, I mean obnoxious yes, but boring or static? Not really.
  4. I do not feel sexy. This for some reasonĀ surprisesĀ people I confide this to (and you guys are my closests and dearest friends, even the ones I do not know!). I feel too fat, too tall, too weird, too something. And then what kills me is people telling me how sexy I am. that I radiate sex. One person (who is a big freak to boot) told me that I was their muse for their new series of erotica. I gave them inspiration. I don’t quite know how to handle that, I mean, it is a compliment. I just wish I felt more comfortable in my skin to feel as sexy as I’ve been told that I am. I do. I really wish I could be more confident with who I am, because I know when I DO feel more confident, strange things happen. But lately, I have been blaming it on the new lip gloss I’ve been wearing called Juicy Tubes. Yes, I bought it based on the name but I happen to like it.
  5. The reason why I like boy-who-lives-across-the-sea so much is that I can I can shut him off if he ever pisses me off (he hasn’t really). I can log out of the xyz chat client we are using and go fuck off. I do not have to worry about him showing up at my door unannounced (though i would probably love it). I want/love/like men who are unattainable. That is my weakness. I can “control” them without having to really DEAL with them. I mean, I have my little Henry Rollins and Colin Firth shrines going on over here and that is OKAY, because I can deal with that.because I know fantasy from reality. I do. (Remember if i keep repeating something it will happen!)
  6. I’m a big old softie at heart. Yes, it’s true. Yet something else people seemĀ surprisedĀ at (I’m getting a bit annoyed at this whole bitch-on-wheels persona that still seems to perpetuate even if I’m sweet as sugar. I’m trying here to break old habits people cut me some slack). My favoriest movie in the whole wide world is Bridget Jones’ Diary. I’m telling you at the end when she kisses Colin Firth, I’m all over the couch clutching my chest wishing it were me. I’ve ALWAYS been a big romantic and while the rough and tumble set does turn me on,Ā every timeĀ I’ve EVER been kissed with that whole “oh hly shit if i don’t kiss you i’m gonna die” look and the whole cupping of the face, i go weak in the knees. THERE IS A REASON WHY EXES HAVE CALLED ME NIAGRA FALLS (separatelyĀ of course). IĀ shouldĀ not have to spell this out but apparently I do have to draw a bloody fucking map (or why I started writing an instruction booklet based on me once, well actually fairly recently). heh.
    and finally:
  7. Ā I refuse to kowtow to the bitter and cynicalness that seems toĀ pervadeĀ women in my age group. Yes i’ve had a series of long term relationships. Yes they did not work out, but goddamnit, I knew that I was not going to have a typical life and there is a freedom in that direction and I refuse to be in that age group. Cynical? Yah, I was born cynical and sarcastic but bitter comes and goes and I refuse to be chewed up into that grouping.

as an aside, dropped a note to boy-who-lives-across-the-sea:

 From: "princess superstar"
 Sent: Saturday, March 01, 2003 8:15 PM
 Subject: hey
You mentioned that you were going on vacation or something last week and
 I'm assuming this is why I haven't heard from you in awhile.  But if
not, are you upset with me or something?  All my email to @detroit.org is not
 coming through ...  :)
----- Original Message -----
From: boy-who-lives-across-the-sea
To: "princess superstar"
Sent: Saturday, March 01, 2003 8:29 PM
Subject: Re: hey
> yoyo :)
> i am not upset at all, i've just been terribly busy that's all. while
> in bed this morning i thought about how i hadnt spoken to you very much
> lately.. i am sorry. i'm not angry or anything, nor am i (unfortunately)
> holiday - i DO however have an entire week off :D
> i'll check the gettobooty address in a bit.
> how are you keeping?
> tata
> *smooch*

Then he took off to go out.
Because American men are highly fucking boring. hah.

Yes, there is a reason why guests smell after three days

I’m so bloody tired, the mere thought of doing homework makes me want to puke. But with a paper (well, an essay) due tomorrow, a test tomorrow, two big papers due next week and my poli sci midterm also next week, i have to get cracking. I’m not sure how I’m doing it, but I’ve been channeling kethryvis, so fingers crossed it’s all good.
So, I’ve discovered just how much I love my personal space.
Like if space were a man, i’d marry it. Call it george, pet it, etc.
You don’t come over to someones house and bitch about well, everything. If I tell you something such as do not leave my bathroom trash can on the floor as one of my dogs will get into it and smear bloody tampons all around the house, please do what I ask. But no, that was apparently too bloody fucking difficult. Also, if i ask you if you want something from the store, because you’ve known me for a zillion years and you know I drink non-fat milk and eat lowfat/healthy foods, don’t complain when i ASK YOU WHAT YOU WANT FOR DINNER AND YOU AGREE TO WHAT I PROPOSE, STOP BITCHING THAT WHILE IT IS GOOD, XYZ IS WRONG WITH IT. The list went on and goes on.
And it wasn’t just my guest, it was my brother too. My god, my teeth are on edge I’m so pissed off. Yes, I do understand I do not have a job, but I DO work a lot getting these good grades, they do not come easily even if they are level 100 and 200 classes. And you know what else, stop picking on me. Stop making fun of my choices of reading material, music selections, food selections, and DVD selections. the fact that I have faster bandwidth and computer than you do. Stop getting pissed off if you ask me a question that has relation to the Internet and I do not know the answer. Or the fact that my apartment is nicer than yours, that my car actually does not need to be jumped in the morning and that I have enough gadgets support a third world nation. Just because I have something, say OH A TiVo, and I TiVoĀ something for you, this does not mean you can come over when you want, eat my food, and expect to hang out here all afternoon. And stop bringing your fucking dog over here and calling my dogs bitch dogs. Yes, they are 18lbs a piece, but you know, this is THEIR home, and I don’t need your wild beast fucking with them in THEIR home.
I’ve fucking had it with people taking advantage of my generosity. Jesus christ on a fucking pogo stick.
Lets see what else:
Well fuck you to my mother, who, while doesn’t have a job and can’t seem to comprehend that while volunteering might just go against her at her review for SSI, is paying one of my aunts MONEY to clean her apartment. You don’t have a job. The woman is 59yo, let her get money somewhere else.
Fuck you to Paul for calling me up and blaming me for all his problems as to why all the people in NoVa (who, apparently and btw hate my guts) no longer speak to him and everyone is so ‘boring’ and ‘old farts’. Or something.
Fuck you to the ex Danny who states and I quote “I put my life on hold for you”, which I nearly laughed myself out of my chair, really, because you can’t get any funnier than that. And yet who seems to think that since I’m back that I’m now just a “Yahoo IM Booty Call” away. ahaha. Sure buddy. What the fuck ever. Hell would freeze over.
What else, oh well fuck you to boy-who-lives-across-the-sea. It seems, he likes a girl, which is fine. They went out on Valentines day, which is also fine. What is not fine is that we had this huge discussion about the probability that if one of us started dating that we would try and maintain our friendship, and now he’s back to ignoring me, again. Right. Who the hell was I fooling? Myself apparently (plus that super secret dream that i had feverently wished you were going to drop to one knee and declare your love to me was just that, a dream. hahaha. boy i’m so rich i kill myself). And we just had this fucking big discussion three months ago and you know, the whole point of being friends is that it IS a two-way street.
and fuck you too to the internet. Recently found someone I’ve been looking for for nearly four years now and now I’ve realised maybe sometimes it’s better to just leave things as they are — in the past where they belong.