Introspection aka whining.
when i moved back to MI, everyone including paul thought that i was going to start sleeping with Danny again. Everyone, including my brother, friends, family, etc. And I told them ‘No. It’s not happening.’ And it didn’t. It hasn’t and it won’t and I just laid that on the line tonight – yet again.
Danny is like paul where every compliment was double sword. “You are so beautiful. My you have a fat ass.” kind of thing. He works under the assumption that because X happened once, Y will happen again. I once told Ben something Danny had said to me and he thought it was fairly arrogant, at least of American men. The great thing about telling
people about your life is that you often get different perspective on how things are or should or could be. Shelly is a wonderful instrument in this regard.
Danny has been pestering (pestering isn’t the right word for it i guess) about us sleeping together since i moved back, but it is that I can’t discern sleeping with someone who I feel is taking advantage of me. Does he want to sleep with me because he finds me sexy or because we have a mutual history? I want someone to want me, REALLY want me because they find me sexy etc ad nauseam, NOT because we simply have a history together and it’s been said and done before. This was a question i had asked paul before we moved in together “do not move in with me if you do not love me like how i want to be loved and as i will love you in return.”
I had told Danny in the past that we were not going to sleep together, again. We were not in a relationship and I was not about to sleep with just anyone even if it is him, I can’t do that anymore. Tonight I made it more clear, and he said he understood but that he can’t ‘help himself’. What had hurt the most was that he had said “you should be so lucky i still want you” and i said “what the fuck does THAT mean?” and he wouldn’t clarify what he meant.
recently i received some emails from an ex-coworker who spilled out in no uncertain terms that he expected us to have a little something-something going on when I was living in Virginia and he seemed completely distraught that I had not shown him my nipple rings when I was working at UUNet (he found them on the Internet, which is ironic because most of those I worked with knew I was pierced). I’m not stupid, I knew what he was after when I was working at UUnet but to think that I would do something like that? What would be my gain? The person irritated me when we were working together because he worked under the all to common assumption that if you were pierced, tattooed or ‘alternative’ you were free and easy in sexual relationships. I hate that shit. I do. I hate the assumption that because I fulfill some sort of freak stereotype that i fall into others. Plus we disagreed on everything from politics (he was a gun-toting, NRA Republican) to music (he admitted to country). he was beige. His whole world was beige. I went to a party at his house and he had lived there for years and the only color that was there was from me spilling Lisa Secret Punch Recipe on his upstairs carpet when i tripped on lint. He had no furnishings in most of his house and everything was beige. It irritated the fuck out of me.
Here is what I don’t understand, is that if everyone is looking for love (or most of us anyways), then why all the compromisation? Why the manipulation and control issues? I nearly killed myself making the men I’ve been with feel like they were perfect just the way they were, because to me they are, but yet it was not returned. Yes they had faults but I never said “honey, you are perfect and yet you are too balding/hairy/fat/too many zits/too this/too that” (unless it was an argument as paul and i were wont to do and then hell hath no fury like a lisa scorned). Never ever did i make them feel that they would be more to me if they dropped weight, grew hair, got their back waxed. I want to be loved just as I am and they want mommy nurse slash concubine.
It was like the editorial i saw in Electronic Gaming Monthly that some fart wrote in stating that having ‘fat chicks’ in a skyy vodka ad was a ‘huge turn off’. Okay lets look at the market here: gaming, geeks, pale, probably chubby. Who the fuck are they to speak? HELLO! Pot meet Kettle! It was like the xbox nerd i saw at Don Pablos this weekend that sat there with his 500lb ass cheeks nearly splitting the chair and I kept expecting Triumph the Insult dog to come waltzing in like he did on the nrrd fest at Star Wars EP:1. That at least cheered me up.
I don’t know what I’m going to do.
This is why reading is so much better than dealing with reality, as you an always put it away for another day.