My brain hurts.
My theology group has just broken up, with Paul leaving last at 9pm. He and Matt showed up at 1pm and we have been studying our brains out. Carded Islam and went through the stack of evil. I’m pretty well versed in Buddhism, Islam and Judaism. I find irony that Charlotte is converting to Judaism in “Sex and the City” so I giggle when I watch. The paper is not done yet, but it’s getting there. Part of the issue is not so much of what I want to say, rather, that the theology professor is an anal gland needing to be expressed [I had to express both dogs anal glands yesterday as I gave them a bath and then proceeded to brush their teeth. hah]. Type type type, cut, paste remove and edit. Three pages and I need four more before I’m done. Five resources and I have 12 books sitting on my table. I’m digging the pressure and the challenge and while yes the professor is a dick i know this is good for me. I’m no clearer to understanding my own belief system when I started this class 8 weeks ago and I have no idea where I lie in spirtuality. I’m digging Judaism though for some reason and maybe because it makes the most sense. Jews for Jesus I do not get but that is neither here nor there, because they are essentially Xtians. Buddhism I understand but stating that the three eyes of Maru (annatta, dukka and anica) represent greed, delusion and hatred and that this is the three Buddhist realities bothers me. Paul said Muhammad was a ” good old boy and long haul trucker” as he worked the caravans with Khadija. I also laughed when Matt said the process of cleansing that Muslims do before their Salat was exfoiliation! I can discourse on the difference between Genesis 1 and 2, Shiite and Sunni Muslims and can cite the paths of different sects of Judaism and why and how they were created.
If I don’t get an A on the exam, i’m gonna kill myself.
I’ve been enjoying hanging out with Matt and Paul. Yesterday we were supposed to meet Paul at the AQ library at noon only to find it had been closed for the holiday weekend. Matt and I ended up the new downtown library which is fucking sexy i tell you! Paul met up with us later bringing his wife and she was different then I had expected. I can’t explain it, she was short and super chubby with a really cute face.
This Paul reminds me of my Paul (height/weight), but 50x cuter and much more stylish dress. Plus he drives. he is also married. I’m not sexually attracted to him, but he is attractive (even Matt the local fag agrees). Paul and I used to run around in similiar circles back in the day since we are the same age and I apparently went to Immaculate Heart of Mary the same time as his wife. Paul and I have discoursed on everything from music to movies to philosophy and religion. But here lie in the problem, he is married. While it is more acceptable, I think, to be friends with the opposite sex then say 10 years ago, yet that old level of insecurity drives the gfs/fiances/wives to split budding platonic relationships. Plus he’s a Coach addict (as Matt and I were drooling over a pair of cute Coach shoes we saw at the mall ) and he’s travelled Europe extensively. I told you, we talk A LOT during these get togethers.
Matt is 5’6 and 106lbs and incredibly adorable and sardonic. he is also flaming. Saturday we went makeup and shoe shopping and this friday we are going to a local hoity-toity salon to get our hair done together. He’s intelligent and also fun to be around.
Amy is the youngest person in our group and has lead an extremely sheltered life. Everything I do is “cool” but she doesn’t really participate in our studies (though she is getting the highest grades) and tends to be more of ooohing and awwing over my dogs then contributing. I like her, but I did not miss her these last few groups.
While I know Matt and I will continue to be friends and he will probably prod me on the road to being more of a woman (har har), I will miss the conversations I have with Paul and his company. Paul has the same dump of useless knowledge of brain power that I have and it’s funny how we both say the same descriptions about the same things. Oh yah, he’s a henry rollins fan and a bukowski nut.
I love my married men friends, don’t get me wrong. I adore Aaron and his lovely wife Kara is da bomb shiz! But i’m tired of being “the one who is cool to be friends with and not the one to date/marry”. This has long been the pattern in my life and while I have publically admitted and still admit that I find most women to be catty bitches, I’m tired of being pushed to the side.
When Matt and I were at the MAC counter yesterday, I had the MAC girl do my eyemakeup. I had really liked what Matt had done to his eyes that day and I wanted to emmulate that. When she finished and I turned to look into huge mirror. I didn’t like what I saw. Hanging out with Matt recently, I realised I had lost my sense of feminity and that bothered me, a lot.
As I told my boys today, I feel like I’m straddling two worlds. One world where I want to be this glamour nut who covets Coach and coutre and the other one who straddles the more edgy-alternative side with the tatoos and piercings. I feel like a walking contradiction as I try and bring these two worlds together.
That mirror told the saddest truth I think. I had spent the great part of these last seven months with all these internal debates about who I am and what I represented that I had let my body slide and that frigthened me. While one side clamours that I want someone to love me for the inside another part is conflicted that true beauty is not only within but also out. Again, it’s the contradiction or more of the confliction of the two sides. I had become, in my eyes, this slovenly person that I detested.
Paul told me what I had thought to myself privately, that his wife was asking who was in the study groups and what were they like. She kept saying “you’re the only guy?” (discounting that Matt was gay). when Matt left at 3 or 4pm, Paul failed to tell her that he was here with me alone when he called her to see what was going on. I asked him if had friends that were girls, but he said he used to but being married changed all that. I’m getting the feeling that I will not be seeing him after tomorrow night when we all do dinner after the exam. I’m not surprised, only sad.
Human relationships have always bothered me, namely that these interactions and rules that everyone must “know” in order to play. The rules keep changing as they are added or deleted to conform to the here and now. I just want to strip that away and show rawness and say “hey, look, this is how it is” but it’s never like that. Ever. I don’t feel like I’m even truthful in my own journal these days because someone might get pissed at what I say in regards to something that I’m recollecting. I’m tired of the facades and the walls that we build up and the games we play.
We are this social clucking order and must abide by societal rules and if we don’t, we are fucked. Discussions with Matt proved this theory when we discoursed on the social and relationship lives of gay men. He said it’s rare to see gays in committed monogmous relationships and since he came out in 1996, he’s always known that he will probably end up alone. He said this fear is often perpetuated in the gay community and yet gay men are the ones that are more often then not into more casual relationships than committed ones. From what I’ve seen and of what I k now about the gay community, I saw that he was partially right.
I feel like a gay man trapped in a woman’s body.
Time to go wax my eyebrows.
My brain hurts.