damn you, Freud!

I’m blaming Freud for all my ill will right now, even though he is indirectly related. If he hadn’t come up with the cockamamie scheme of psychoanalysis, and if his children hadn’t spawned it, it would not have been part of my Intro To Lit Theory class that I had to take this past semester.

I can still see the textbook, flipped open to that page, discussing how individuals who tend to change things about themselves rather frequently have this: unstable sense of self.

In short, they have no idea who the hell they are!

Sound familiar?

It’s been the anathema of my life, really. (Would have you know that it pays to look up words that you are not sure the spelling of. I almost had “anthema” — which means to blossom. Amazing what one little letter does.)

It’s days like this that I need to take stock on what and who I am. So
let’s begin:

  • I’m 31.
  • I have my own apartment, stocked full of materialistic goodies.
  • Brand new 04 car.
  • Two pugs.
  • Family that loves me (even when they get on my nerves).
  • Exes who come and go out of my life, but overall general good relations.
  • I have 90/60 blood pressure, all my own teeth, hair is not greying and I’ve lost 30lbs this year.
  • Never been to prison, have my GED, going to colleg,e and tend to keep myself out of trouble.
  • Friends, far and wide, who love me.

So why, then, am I not happy?

I’m on this middle ground and it’s driving me crazy! Of course. On one hand, all of my friends (real and virtual) are shacking up and getting married, having babies and of COURSE I am happy for them. But. I’ve been down that road before and it’s not really something I care to get into again. I’ve lived with enough men, had enough proposals and what not for any woman in her own lifetime.

Yet there is this underlying and unquenchable thirst to NEED. But what is it that I need?

What. Is. It. That. I. Need. To. Make. Me. Happy.

I found that my own paradigm of thought was more different than others this year during classes. I did just as well as some of the best students but the train of thought that I would follow was never the same as the others. At first this disturbed me, because I thought I was wrong (if you are not following the herd, then you must be — right?) Later, as the grades start pouring in and I was doing just as well as they were, I realised I was right to continue on this path. But my path was different and while I embraced the difference, it felt like it was reflecting really my life as a whole.

Because I’ve never, ever, done anything by the book.
As you already may know.

2003 was about looking for who I was, to dismiss everything that made me feel icky and take me by the horns. I needed to heal and I needed to get my shit together, and consciously I did that. I made concrete decisions and found out WHO I was, after all this time. I took chances that I would have never taken before and I resisted things that I knew would end up
hurting me. Most of this, of course, resulted in my choices of men. I was no longer going to date someone simply because they were interested in me, rather, I was going to make sure that I was interested in them. Also, I was not going to allow myself to make decisions based on my loins either. Which was difficult to do.

So who is Lisa?

This is ironic, but, I was watching Charmed a few weeks back (via Tivo, of course) and one of the minor characters said to Phoebe (one of the major ones, if you don’t watch it) that so many women of her generation wanted to be independent and have careers, and when it came down to it, they were finding themselves in their 40s and 50s, alone. Not sharing their success with anyone because no one was around. That saddened me, because that was the life (or one of the lives) I had predicted for myself. I was (and to an extent) so thoroughly tired of relationships, I wanted nothing more than to be alone. But that is not working out EITHER, as I have discovered.

Another really cheesy thing I had read somewhere, was how if you spend so much time looking for yourself, you end up losing yourself. Life is in the here and now, and with that I do agree. This is why I dismiss most of the crackpot shrinks, drugs and what not, because I’ve been following their plan for the last 20 years and where did it get me? Bwahahah! More confused than ever!

But what it is about ‘me’ that is so uniquely different than everyone else? Oh, I know the old saying “You’re different than everyone else” but, I can’t keep feeling that somehow I’m ‘more different’ than those other unique people. I’m not sure if it is because they found someone to be happy with, or what the case is, but you know, this shit is for the birds!

I’m a lot stronger than I was a year ago. I’m a lot more positive and yes, in many aspects I’m happier, a lot happier. But the bottom line is, there is still something missing that needs to make me fulfilled and I really, REALLY wish I knew what that was.

x0x0x
Lisa

ps: I dismiss the crackpot theory about the unstable sense of self, because like most theories, it tends to generalize and not be concrete.

sWEeT dreams

Today and tonight ended up being pretty darn internesting.

I stayed up till 7am working on my portfolio and ended up blowing off my Astronomy quiz (which I’ve been calling my midterm, but isn’t) and I emailed the prof and rescheduled it for when we are back in school next week after fall break. Woke up late as shit and drove like a bat out of hell to AQ to drop off said portfolio. Also sent the letter I wrote to Miguel. Picked up my Modern Cinema final, and aced it. I’m not quite sure how one would get a B or lower in that class.

Forgot my cell at home and didn’t get a chance to call darkdepths until much later when I got home. Due to time constraints, we met up for Qdoba and went to Best Buy to return one of my digital cameras because a toggle fell off and got it totally replaced. Also picked up a 64Mb memory card for it and we headed off to the tattoo shop so that I could get the other Buttercup finished.

I told darkdepths I was glad she was coming with me because I was feeling really trepidatious about going especially after what happened last week and the previous week. Well, color me shocked as when I got there, A. treated it like it never happened. In fact she told me that R. busted his ankle and leg while in the mosh pit last night and was at the hospital. I felt terrible, but yet in a way I didn’t. From what was being said to me via A, it was like things were going to go back to the way they were — with no thought about the business OR the fact he smacked her up.

I wandered over to Pip’s studio and apologized for being late. He was tattooing a girl and wasn’t done with her yet and it was her first tattoo (poor girl she was frightened). I said quite loudly “Hey pip! Did you hear I was a lesbian and was trying to steal A. away?” He said “You know, I was going to ask you about that. R. was telling people that all over the shop and I thought he was nuts considering you’ve had boyfriends etc” We started laughing. Pip hates R. and vice versa. I made the decision I’m going to stay away from the shop unless I really need to go. I’ll keep throwing my business there but R. gives bad juju and I doubt anything will change.

Since Pip couldn’t fit me in that night, I rescheduled for Saturday night, with darkdepths in tow. We decided to go back my house and chill for awhile and see what was going on, watch movies and the like. Came home and Ben had been messaging me and he was drunk. We said “WOOHOO!” and after walking the dogs, convinced him to get on VoIP with us. WELL! I’m not quite sure how it started but we started taking pictures and trading (we went and then he went). What ended up was staged shots and naked photos on both sides! WOOHOO!

The public post was one of them, the icon in this journal is another. The rest are online but not in the gallery nor are they in my usual directory either. 😉 The irony to this was that she and I were almost totally sober while he, was not. It’s amusing and yet secure in a way she and I just stripped naked and posed all over my apartment. But it was fun. Ben asked if we could do this every friday night and we laughed. I kept asking him if he was going to regret doing this later when he wakes up and realises what he’s done. LOL. He said no — but we have got him almost convinced to come to the States, which ruled in my book. 🙂

A very good time was had by all.

socks break: Miguel Part I

I’ve been fascinated with what people put on their feet lately. I was noticing in one of my classes today that damn near anyone who was wearing closed toe shoes/boots (while this is michigan and it’s 30 degrees out, people will still wear sandals: barefoot), I saw dozes of fun socks peeking out from under pants. It’s like some sort of unknown phenomenon where you must wear kooky socks regardless if they match your outfit or not. I’ve gotten quite a collection myself, partly in thanks to pikajew who hooked me up a few years ago for a birthday or a christmas thingy. So I’m sitting here in sweatshorts and a mr bubbles tshirt with these really fun dark blue socks on with the words ‘kinky’ on them along with some kooky cartoon. Don’t ask me, I just report the news.

One essay down, the ‘hard’ one and one more to go. I keep thinking I have early morning class tomorrow and I don’t — my astronomy midterm is not until 1:30pm. As long as I’m in bed, er, in a few hours, I should be good (I hope).

I’m curious about my study habits. I have a pretty good sized L-shaped desk that holds my 19″ monitor, fax machine, copier/printer, and assorted junk. It’s nice and spacey. My desktop is bitchin’ at 2.6ghz and broadband — yet I choose to hang out at my dining room table where my books are sprawled everywhere working on my old ass laptop with the 12″ screen. I love space. Right now all my books, notes and assorted gadgets are sprawled all around me (with one leg propped up on the table and the other one I am sitting on in the chair). Hell, I have a big comfy leather chair in which I can sit in at my desk and yet i choose the hardback dining room chairs. I think I feel that the desktop will just suck me into not doing work — it’s been known to happen. Sit down to check email and it’s nine hours later. Things take forever to load on my laptop and essentially it’s just good for basic internet stuff and writing papers (however, it is difficult to gauge space in papers when your resolution is 800×600).

darkdepths and I are hanging out tomorrow after class and tomorrow night I’m getting the other buttercup finished — finally (if there is no fucking drama associated with it). Possibly getting together on saturday for fondue! Unfortunately, there is not a Melting Pot here but I do have my fondue pot and I just need to get a bunsen burner for the underneath and food stuff and it should be fun. Megan is going back to the Twin Cities for the week, my brother will be working and darkdepths is heading back to A2 as well. Most of the people I know are taking off so I’ll be heading to my mom’s on Tuesday or so and hanging out there next week. November is looking to be shaping up as a busy month. My friend Karen and I are heading to the Magic Stick in Detroit to see Twilight Singers (and I haven’t even fucking bought their new album yet — this must be remedied!). ach is coming to Chicago to see family and I’ll be heading down there to hook up with him. Patrick, a very old friend of mine called me tonight to tell me he is coming from Colorado to MI in a few weeks to see family and wants to hook up — which I can’t wait to see him. I haven’t seen him since… 1997 at Def Con — damn it’s been a long time. He’s also thinking about moving back to the Detroit area, which will be fun. He and I did some crazy ass road trips together back in 1996 that took us all around SE Michigan and Canada. Good times man, good times.

I was thinking the other day when I was driving that it was a shame that things didn’t work out with tiglore and myself — but you can’t force chemistry. I’m in the mood to date, I’m realising that more. On the other hand, I’m pretty content with being solo. I keep seeing all this bad juju with some couples and I think “Yech, not me man!” and then I see happy couples and I go ‘awww — fuckers’. While I play at being the whole bitter old hag bit, it is just a schtick. You DO realise that right?

After French midterm, I met Megan outside where she was hanging out with some other people in our class. I had the brochure in my hand for the class trip to Paris in the spring in which I want to go to (Megan and I have ‘other’ ideas on what to do in Paris *ahem*), and I noticed that the prices were for students “under 25” — and I was bitching about the “adult” price which was jacked up 300 bucks more. Roland, the other student, asked why I was bitching, and I said “because I’m over 25” and his mouth dropped open to the point I could see his tonsils. “No way!” — Megan and I laughed (she knows how old I am). “I thought you were 21!” — hahaha. “No, she’s over 25”, Megan responded. I never alluded to how old I really was. Rumour had it that Roland was hitting on a 32 year old woman simply so he could brag he bagged a 32 year old — he’s all of 18.

——————

He’s in the fucking phone book.
When I first moved back to GR, I called Josh, a guy I’ve known for about 15 years. Josh had told me the summer of 2001 when I had come back home to take care of my mom that a guy I had dated from when I was 17-22, Miguel, had been looking for me. To make sure I was okay, how I was doing etc. Josh hadn’t spoken to me in a few years and didn’t have my whereabouts and had nothing to report. Josh had told me in 2001 that Miguel had opened up his own restaurant south/north of town (I forget which), and when I got back to VA I had dropped him a letter to the restaurant — and never heard anything. In the interim years, I had casually searched for him only to find nothing on the fucking Internet under the variations of his first name and the two last names he uses. Earlier this year, I was browsing through classmates.com and found Miguel listed. Excited, I dropped him a note lettting him know I was in town, how were things going etc. Never heard a word and classmates.com deletes all mail after 60 days. I never bothered to follow up because at this point I thought it was a dead trail. No end.
Lately I’ve been having dreams about him, and I don’t know why. it’s been a good decade since I’ve seen him and things ended fairly — dramatically. Why, out of all the people in my life, does he continue to haunt me? I had a dream about him recently and I was thinking about looking for him again. I log into classmates.com and find that he is no longer listed. Search the internet again and nothing. This bright idea hits me to look in the phone book.

There he is, listed in black and white. Down the corner from AQ.
he. has. been. in. the. phone. book. all. this. time.
Now what?