sex and the single girl

I e-mailed someone a few days ago I had an interest in last year, a link to my newest tattoo because I knew he would be interested in the body art (being a connoisseur of tattoos himself). I had not spoken to this person since earlier this year when he had e-mailed me apologizing for more or less dissing me (there is of course more to the story and while it’s not complicated, this is just the quick and dirty way of explaining things) when I was living in Virginia. The whole situation was very intense to begin with and at one point i had wanted him so much i ached.

It had been so long since i had ached (and it was not just a sexual ache) that I quite enjoyed aching (for what it’s worth). I digress. So he emails me back today and tells me his best friend (who is a girl) and he are dating, something I knew was going to eventually happen. There were so many LARGE BRIGHT fingers pointing to the situation from the very beginning of our introduction that I found myself erasing what I was typing today because everything sounded petty, even when it wasn’t meant to be. My words to him were short and to the point. The nicknames were long tossed aside and he got removed from “mine” to “hers.” It did not matter that we no longer spoke, that’s just the way it is.

This is why you never EVER go back, even with the most innocent of intentions.


Last week, Danny had come over and we watched Secretary, which was one pretty sensual movie and I highly recommend it. On the way out the door, Danny leaned in and licked my ear. I don’t know if he was trying to be cute, sexual, gross or what, but I freaked out and started hopping around going “ewwww” because his slobber was running down my ear drum. It was NOT sensual or sexual all. Later on I felt bad for being such a ditz that I kept messaging him to come out with me this weekend to go see X-Men:2 so that we could hang out together and finally got a response from him that we would meet up Saturday afternoon when he got home from work at my apartment.

Now my goal Saturday was to get up early, study, then get sexy for the “date.”

This is not what happened.

I woke up at 1:30pm (Danny was to meet me at 3:00pm) with a headache that was literally like having nails split through my skull. I laid in agony for a few minutes but the dogs were begging to go out so I stumbled into my kitchen where I was trying to get their food and I ended up vomiting into the sink. Mainly mucus, my stomach was making these jarring noises that kept making me feel more ill, so while I’m retching over the sink, i am shoving a blueberry muffin down my throat to quiet the jarring. God it was bizarre. Dogs get let out, fed, aleeve popped and I can’t shake this headache.

I almost fainted in my bathroom when I vomited into the toilet (while still shoving blueberry muffin down my throat btw) and finally dragged my arse off to bed where i laid down for a half hour. Danny showed up and when I asked him to please stay with me, he refused. He didn’t want to ‘sleep’ as he called it and all i wanted was someone to hold me because I felt like shit.

Apparently in the span of time between our conversation and him walking down to his car with a “I’ll see you later” motif, I ran outside in my pajamas to beg him to stay. I just did not want to sleep the day away and be alone. It was so beautiful outside and my headache was slowly subsiding. I made him promise to come pick me up at 5pm so that we could go out.

Some very wise women had said that you could be sexy at any size, age, or whatever. It was all about the attitude. I’ve been downright tired of my style lately and I needed something “new.” My hair, which is growing like a weed, cannot be tamed. I am so afraid that if i go see a hair stylist that I’ll end up with short butchy hair and as cute as that was I WILL HAVE HAIR DOWN TO THE MIDDLE OF BACK. Even if it is curly. Even if it looks like i stuck a finger in a light socket. So there is that.

Then there is my style. People keep telling me i dress “cute” but I’m bored and need something new. I am however poor and raided my closet trying things on. Yes it was to go out with Danny, but who cares? I need to spice things up as the whole tshirt and jeans thing is getting boring (again). I tried on shirt after shirt after shirt and nothing was just well screaming WEAR ME. I swapped out cute strappy sandals for the flip flops and wore jeans instead of a skirt. I still refuse to go shopping before I go to Sac and Vegas AND until i weed out my closet and maybe I can find sexy another time. I think I’ll pick up a few books on what to do with medium length curly hair because this is killing me.

We go to the movies and see X:Men-2 (hello! Colossus is 6’8 of MUSCLE rowr!) which was great (and I bet the dvd will have loads of neat crap) and we decide what to do with dinner. The problem with Danny is that he cannot be decisive. He will not make a firm commitment on something he wants, it’s bloody fucking annoying. I’ve been dying to try out new restaurants and since it seems the only way to go to these places is solo, which I’m fine with, I do it quite a lot actually. So we end up at a local eatery and he was telling me how a friend of his is paying for him to fly down to see her in Texas. I keep poking fun about he’s going to get laid (he’s wearing a tshirt that says “Man Whore” on the front this whole time) and he keep saying nothing is going to happen, which i tease and say oh yes it is. He’s such a whore! Blah blah. He says yeah it probably will but he’s not counting on it as the last time he had a vacation was when I was living in San Francisco and he came out to visit. This was six years ago.

He also starts teasing me back about how I won’t “give it up” and he gets all defensive about how he hasn’t had sex since January and it is not because he has fuck buddies, because he does, but because he wants something more. The whole conversation was weird and while we were sitting at the restaurant he literally shouts:


“Danny don’t think that section (I’m pointing to about 25′ away) heard you.” He looks. “Yah they probably did.”

He also goes on (loudly) about how I’ve been back for nearly five months and I tease and do not put out. How I will never probably put out. It’s so difficult to put out to someone who refers to their fucking penis as being “hung as a hamster” (His reasoning? Because if he tells them he is hung like a hamster then they won’t be disappointed to find out he’s not. Okay then.). Who also farts and belches. I realise as humans that we have bodily functions but when someone is laying with their head in your lap, it’s not cute to far, no matter WHAT you think.

It’s difficult to want to have sex with someone who passive aggressive. Geez, you know I’ve laid this out so clearly before it’s becoming monotonous. A few choice things just need to occur to get me going and it’s not even that difficult. Danny falls in the Paul category that once I’ve slept with you, romance and passion are out the window. We no longer have to work for it so buh-bye.

And you people wonder why I left?


It has always made me giggle to see condoms next to tampons, even though I know they fall into the whole “family planning” stages. A difficult conundrum has been what to do when I meet a guy to uh, date, as it were. Do i buy condoms ahead of time? Do I let him take the responsibility? What kind do I buy? The last two men I slept with (Paul and Justin) both wore Magnums, x-large condoms. Nothing is more humorous than going to a store to buy condoms with a tall white boy and having a black woman ring you up and eye your boyfriend as she passes the condoms over the scanner.

Back in my early 20s, I used to carry condoms in my wallet. I was not sleeping around by a long shot, but when I was in a serious relationship I did not want to be told ‘no’ because we didn’t have protection. Now I don’t know if I’m so crazy about that idea anymore, mainly because I’m terribly afraid of even dating someone again.

Therein lies the irony.


Which hasn’t stopped me from putting up personal ads.

Graham once said that it seems the more we throw to the world the more we hope that someone will come back to stick (not his exact words, I’m paraphrasing) and I’m finding that the more I keep throwing out the net the more it seems the more disgruntled i get. It seems no matter HOW specific i get in the damn ads I always get the most fucking end all be all of losers who respond. Some are just so far out of what I am like and specify that I wonder what the fuck they are smoking to think I would be remotely interested.

I’ll probably pull the ads, again.
Because after viewing what Grand Rapids has to offer the single girl, I’d rather date my vibrator.


Which goes without saying about my friendships with guys who do not live here.
Like with Ben.
Ben’s safe because he’s 4k miles away.
Ben’s also pretty passive-aggressive but more in a good sense and not in a bad sense. Ben’s also pretty cute.

I have zero idea if we would date if were living in the same zip code, hell the same time zone but I do know that it’s safe and protected and when he pisses me the fuck off I can “turn him off”. That’s what so great about online relationships. There is enough intensity to feel real but the strangeness of it allows for the double check of reality. It doesn’t matter with platonic or romantic, it just is.

Don’t ask me what happens when we meet up in Europe this summer, because I’ll be travelling with him for at least a week. I do know he does not snore so hey, what more can a girl ask for?


All I know when it comes to love, I want someone who isn’t afraid to take chances. Someone who has quiet passions burning within their soul.


Europe for Tall people

I’m writing this down for me, not for you.
I’m writing this down to remind me in 3.5 months what I need to remember the most: to be myself.
I’m writing this down so that I can remember what I was like before and can compare it for after.

As many of you have known, I recently started talking to my Daniel Cleaver again and while many of you may not know who he is, which is fine (lisa’s past is one that needs maps and keys), it’s truly amazing how far and different we have come since we had dated. One thing that has been clarified to what happened when we met and the break down of our relationship that we can now look at it five years later and say “yes, that makes perfect sense”. This applies to now and does it ever.

When I found out that was being held at the end of August and not in the middle like I had thought, my heart was literally crushed. Then I found out that the Leeds/reading festivals were being held the week before (for refrences, classes start on august 25, aug 28/29/30), i cursed the gods above. Then ben drops this bombshell on me earlier today that he’s planning on going to Sweden for 3 weeks in august (maybe, he’s not sure.) and I thought “Okay, the $Dieties hate me. Not only have i not gotten my INS crap yet, but now even if i had an American passport, I can’t even go to europe because the one person who I want to see is LEAVING”. Well, i lied. What I told ben actually was “OH. Guess we won’t hook up this summer at all.” Because fuck you, I’m still going. And he comes back with “Well, I thought you could come a few weeks earlier.”

The whole world was wide open.

I realised this last night when I was reading about what to do in the summer in Europe. ALL THESE FUCKING CHOICES and it’s scary. I had said to him ” you know, without a music festival we can do something together or something.” and if he said “You know lisa, i think you’re one scary American.” I would have respected that because i didn’t’ EXPECT him to say ‘yes’. I didn’t. Spend two weeks with me? Me spend two weeks with him traipsing all over the french and Belgian countryside? Hahah. Ben is so not spontaneous. He’s not the spontaneous type.
I expected him to say “maybe” or “let me see” not yes.

But then he said yes. Just like that. Yes.

Then I said, wait a minute. I had to confer with summer school. Summer school ends July 9, but, i have directed class all summer every few weeks and there is a class on July 19 and august 9. So if i’m going to europe, it has to be between July 20-august 8 or august 10-24. Then he said I’m going to Sweden (maybe) from august 2-28. Then we nailed down the dates.

Then i said “ben, i need to know so i can plan are you planning on coming with me the WHOLE time? or are you staying a few days? or what?”
I mean if i meet up with him for a few days and then go to London to hang out with Alice/Jon and then to reading to bug Andy and then venture up to Edinburgh and hang out there for awhile, it’ll be good. I can do that. I can do europe nearly solo. ANd he said “The whole time.”

Then we both said at the same time “What do you want to do?” Because now we are not tied to the music festivals anymore, so suddenly the whole world is open.

And we laughed. He said how odd and I said how funny we both asked that, at the same time.

I said “Well, I’ve never been to europe.” duh. i am QUEEN of obvious. “What would you like to do?”

then i said “I know what i want. No computers.”

He agreed wholeheartedly.

Then he said “I don’t snore and I don’t fart in the dark.”

And i started laughing so hard I about fell out of my chair. Literally, fell out of my chair.

I kept laughing.

I told him, if i was in europe and didn’t get to the UK, I’d DIE. I also told him that I wanted to see Paris. I asked him how far Paris was from his house. He said 2.5 hours. That floors me. I told him Belgium sounded so fucking cool. SURROUNDED BY FIVE COUNTRIES! He said what about Germany? They are just if not more surrounded. I said Germany was cool, but not AS cool. I didn’t know anyone in Germany. He laughed.

So I’m flying to Brussels. I’m staying at a hotel (albeit a cheap one) for a day or so. Flights land like at the crack of dawn, and we are six hours behind Belgium so it’ll be middle of the night for me. But i will be wired on adrenaline. Then we are either going to London to hang out or to France first. I told him no timetables. Yes to seeing the sights but no to timetables. I want to RELAX. I haven’t had a vacation to have a vacation in years.

I just emailed him and told him. I don’t want to think or care or anything. I just want to be and pick flowers, watch star showers and go swimming. Drink great wine and go karoking.

And maybe paint his toenails while I’m at it.

I had all this stuff I wanted to say. All this stuff about time and chance and relationships and about expectations but what i leared from DC was to not compete with myself. What will happen will.

I just need to remember that.

um okay

did i just indirectly e-mail boy-who-lives-across-the-sea and tell him how much i liked him liked him?

oh dear god, i hope not.