*This is not a typo. [Though it DOES sound like a great article/book title…]
When I started library school a few years ago, I made a half-hearted attempt at collecting librar. related paraphernalia (books, t-shirts, etc), obtaining anything that gave even a passing nod on this topic. One of my “treasures” was an awful romance called, The Dewey Decimal System of Love [Pub date, 2003]. And yes, the book is as bad as the title sounds as I gave it a one star at LibraryThing and GoodReads, complete with a scathing review.
I put the collecting part on hold for bit as the librar. themed materials began to outgrow what my wallet would allow. It’s only natural that as librarians become more vocal in reimagining themselves in the public eye, so too must follow the send-ups, parodies, satire and love-letters (to an extent) to those wonderful keepers of knowledge.
What I was not expecting, however, was just how thick (pardon the innuendo) the treasure trove of heaving bosom romance/erotica dedicated to librarians has become in the last few years. Last night I was doing some research on professional development books for librarians on Amazon.com and found the mother lode of erotica and porn dedicated to and about librarians mixed in with professional development materials. (That also cracked me up, but at 3AM I’m fairly easy to please.) One result would be a guide to reader’s advisory and the next would be a XXX offering of hot librarian lurve.
What made this even better is that almost every book had a Kindle version (or was only available in the Kindle format), which meant they almost ALL had first chapters to read for free. So what did I do last night for several hours? Sought out and read terrible erotica with a librarian theme! And it was not terrible because I’m a prude by any stretch of the imagination, it was terrible when you have lines like “..feeling the bubbling juices squish luxuriously within my spasming cunt.” and “Cheryl Parker reached up to the highest bookshelf to grab the misplaced book with a tiny, frustrated sound. She made a mental note to speak to the new book shelfer.” Or lovely titles such as Lusty Librarians and Threesome in The Mattress Store [Pub date, unknown. Kindle availability only.].
As I am a mistress of obtaining, sorting and providing information – and for you own amusement – I’m including majority of the titles I read last night. You’re welcome.
- The Chaste Librarian [Pub date, 2010]
- Forbidden Reading [Pub date, 2010]
- The Hot! Librarian – A Novel of Erotica [Pub date, 2010]
- The Librarian’s Secret Scandal [Pub date, 2010]
- What the Librarian Did [Pub date, 2010]
- Librarian By Day [Pub date, 2009]
- Librarians Don’t Get Married [Pub date, 2009]
- The Librarians Naughty Habit [Pub date, 2008]
- Sexy Librarian [Pub date, 2008]
- The Sinful Librarian. [Pub date, 2008]
- The Young Librarian [Pub date, 2008]
- The Librarian’s Passionate Knight Dynasties:The Barones [Pub date, 2003]
- The Major and the Librarian [Pub date, 2003]
- Librarian\’s Secret Wish [Pub date, 2000]
- Lusty Librarians and Threesome in The Mattress Store [Pub date, unknown. Kindle availablity only.]
- Adult Rape Fantasies – Librarian in Bondage [Pub date, unknown. Kindle availability only.]
P.S. Yes, it becomes clear that many of these are self-published for a reason but by the grace of Nigel, would it have KILLED them to use a spell-checker. Shelfer? Really? Ugh.
P.P.S. Now that I think about it, it would not be unrealistic to learn that with the plethora of new titles in the last few years, these were written by recent MLIS grads or librarians recently made redundant. Mortgages and student loans do not pay themselves you know. Or themselfs. Heh.
I found the Hot Library Smut page again recently and couldn’t resist posting an image and a link back to the source.
I’ve wanted this book for ages and now that I’m officially in MLIS school, the time seems right. Amazon.com has it on sale, currently, for 37% off and if I can hold out until “employee appreciation days” at $corporate_bookstore, I can get it for 40% off. Yes, I know, 3 whole percent but hey, when you are a starving graduate student, 3% is a a gallon of gas (roughly).
Henry Rollins, as part of his schitck, talks about leaving libraries and bookstores angrier then when he walks in. The reason? All that human knowledge accessible to him and he will never, ever be able to contain or grasp it all. He, as he is wont to do, flips off the store/library on his way out in a double barreled salute because of said frustration of not being able to obtain that knowledge. This is the reason why Hank is one of my future husbands and I kinda miss having his glare burn into me when I wake up in the morning.1
I’ve seen Hank perform his spoken word a number of times, the last time having grabbed an autographed poster of Hank, barefoot and in a tux (and of course, flipping off the world). The poster was framed and hung directly across from my bed so that literally the first thing I’d see in the morning would be Hank’s snarling face. While I’m in temporary digs, the artwork and such are in storage, hence why I miss Hank’s snarling face every time I wake up.
Day in the life of Lisa, the MLIS candidate:
- 8:30: Up, walk the dogs, shower, and get ready for the day
- 9:45: Leave and take Mumsy to the doctors
- 10:15: Leave doctors and grab breakfast
- 11:20: Drop Mumsy off, grab stuff for the afternoon
- 12:00-15:00: Interview two ref librarians and then study for the remainder of the time at the downtown branch of the library
- 15:00-15:45: Come home, walk the dogs, drop off some stuff and grab additional stuff for the evening
- 15:45-19:20: Drive to Holland, get hair did and head back to GR to the library
- 19:20-20:55: Study at the downtown library
- 21:00- now: Eat dinner, walk the dogs, do Mumsy’s laundry, wax eyebrows and catch up on email/Internets stuff.
- 00:00: Roughly – bed!
Let it be known that librarians apparently have a very dirty sense of humour. How so, one may ask? In one of the textbooks that I’m currently reading for a class, the author suggests that “librarians engage in
personal intercourse with clientèle in order to improve services.” The quotes around “personal intercourse” is included in the book and the quote is a direct quote from the text. I have gone back and re-read that sentence numerous times in the last few days because I have the maturity of a 12 year old boy and that he (the author) MUST have some idea of what he’s saying? Right? No, he doesn’t. The text continues for several more chapters in this totally dry and academic tone. Dude, C’MON!
I’ve started collecting, in a manner of speaking, books on or about librarians, regardless of their usage — whether academic, fictional or what have you. I found The Dewey Decimal System of Love the other day and after reading the description AND reading the first chapter online, I knew I had to have it. This despite the fact that almost every reviewer talked about how horribly wretched it is. But I read the first chapter and thought, “It can’t be THAT bad” and ordered it anyway.
I’m vaguely regretting the decision.
WIthin the first few pages of the chapter, our heroine Allison (“Ally” to her friends — which tends to get confusing when her goddaughter is also named Ally (after her of course) and the author refers to both as “Ally” on the same page…), is visiting her best friend and her family when the said best friends announces that Ally MUST try breastfeeding the best friend’s son. Say whowhatsit? Now, Ally (the elder) is 40 years old, hasn’t had sex in 15 years (something she repeatedly tells you, you know, in case you have forgotten from the last mention several sentences ago) and has never had children. Her best friend keeps insisting Ally MUST try it as it will form an impregnable bond. And the best friend insists that her husband has also has tried breastfeeding the kid, ergo, Ally must try too. So, the 40 year old almost but not quite a virgin does what is set up to do: Lifts her shirt and pops her breast into the kid’s mouth. Not only does this image disturb me but it also renders me to ask, WHAT THE FLYING FUCK WAS THAT ALL ABOUT? It has NOTHING to do with the book or the “plot,” so who in their right mind thought this was effing necessary to include?
Clearly, I’m disturbed enough by this image to pass it along to you.
The book, overall, is as bad as described, but it is misleading in that the first few pages offered online are not as terrible as the book suggests it is. The author, Josephine Carr, gives the heorine the stereotype of the “uptight and yet sexy librarian” complete with glasses perched on pointed nose, long tumbling auburn hair that is consistently held up in a French twist and body that is taunt but aging. (She is 40 after all.) Ally, of course, falls in love with the conductor of the local symphony and plots her way to getting into his life (without his wife’s obvious notice, of course) while engaging in “harmless” flirting with her boss, who happens to be overly gorgeous and into Ally — even though after working together for 15 years, he has yet to ask her out or etc. We all know how the book is going to end, one doesn’t have to skip to the final chapter to get to that part, but with a book called Dewey Decimal System of Love, what the hell was I expecting?
Here is to hoping that Casanova Was a Librarian, albeit an academic book, will not prove to be as disappointing. I hope.
Now Listening: Girl Talk – Give Me A Beat
Now Reading: The Dewey Decimal System of Love by Josephine Carr