Infatuated with a lunatic and cornered by the muse

I’ll warn you, if cornered, I’ll scratch my way out of the pen
Wired, an animal
The claustrophobia begins
You think I’m scared of girls
Well maybe
But I’m not afraid of you
You want to scare me then you’ll cling to me no matter what I do
Tell you a secret
They shared a needle once or twice
I loved her, she loved me
We slept together a couple of times
You think I’m proud of this
Well maybe
But the shame you never lose
Infatuated with a lunatic and cornered by the muse
And it goes down every night
This must be what jail is really like
And I will scratch my way out of this pen, again

Lonely?
Maybe
Or maybe not
It all depends
Your ideal, your image
Your definition of a friend
If what you’re shoveling is company
Then I’d rather be alone
Resentment always goes much further than it was supposed to go

what jail is like by afghan whigs

I don’t know what has been my deal lately with Afghan Whigs, especially Greg Dulli. This is the second night in a row that I’ve been sitting here listening to various mp3s that I have spanning nearly their whole career. I felt like, to be honest, my whole life of emotion listening to their music. I felt pain, sorrow, pity, fear, love.

What was worse (or cute if you are into that sort of thing) is that on the way into work today, I was bopping along to them in the car cranked up and car dancing. I’m a wonderful car dancer BY FAR. Which brings me to this past saturday night: so there is this live band playing at my party, which is total coincidence. I won’t mention the details but in short those in my party were COMPLAINING about the loud music. Hell even paul acts like an old man when it comes to listening to music. The car stereo can’t be above x or else he pitches a fit. Home stereo is the same thing. Right now I’ve got head phones on so I can enjoy the sultry tones of that which is Greg Dulli.

It’s not really a choice of music but when I listen to tunes I want to feel like I’m either at a show, being sung to, being fucked while at the show or feel like i’m being possessed. I want to feel ALIVE when i listen to music, not this pamby ass shit that they pass for music these days. pfft on that.

let me in, i’m cold. all dressed up and no where to go.

Today was the grandiose day that I had to go to Anger Management training, and to be truthful, i thought (and expected) it to be a joke. The joke it turns out, was on me.

I hate these interpersonal training classes they give at work. For the most part, they are always taught by undereducated fuckwits who keep it boring and snoozefest. So yes, I was pleasantly suprised when we actually had someone teach the class who held a doctrate and worked in the field of mental health and has been teaching this for years! Woah. Impressive. Makes me wonder what WCOM does sometimes with its few brain cells.

white trash party

if i had a buck for every time i started mucking around with the design of TLC, I’d be a rich woman today.

I also realized that I could probably name several weeks worth of chronicles with afghan Whigs song titles and not repeat myself once.

They (Whigs) broke up earlier this year — Dulli is apparently going to be working full time on The Twilight Singers — pffft. Now we will bow our heads in silence for 60 seconds in memoriam of the Whigs’ breakup.

*crickets chirping*

moving right along, it’s been a quiet Sunday (you know, no fighting or anything) — and paul and i watched a few crappy movies on teevee while i dicked around looking stuff to do. we adopted another pug, this one is called Lili, and is Wednesday’s sister. They are paternal twins but from far away look identical. I call them the girls, and paul keeps saying when i move out, lili is going with me.

so thus begins our story.

a few weeks back, upon seeing my shrink, she and i started talking about sex, when i started opening up more about how i was feeling sexually — which is nothing. she suggested that i see her in a few weeks instead of a month and start talking about these issues at hand so that grow past them and carry one. i agreed.

last week, i took a spin in my new car up to see her, and things started pouring out. things i knew that i hadn’t discussed with anyone, let alone paul, in a very long time. i sniffed few times, i used urn charm containing my fathers ashes as a touchstone as i talked. fear. abandonment. lack of commitment. these were some of the issues concerning my and things that needed to be addressed. paul and i had tentively brought the wedding up to 5/01 instead of 9/01 and my shrink (correctly) was detecting that the closer to the wedding we got, the more put i closed up inside. which is true, I’m not going to lie about that — it’s like there should be a club for my ex boyfriends (such as in the show drew carey when all of kate’s boyfriends held a support group for her at the warsaw) to comment on my past behavior and how i have hurt/affected them in the past.

but i digress.

and i digressed a lot when i spoke to my shrink that day as well. i found myself jumping from one issue to another and yet in my mind it all made sense. here i had thought i was getting along marvelously well but inside I’ve been screaming for something (anything?) to get out.

i know a lot of it has to do with how paul and i interact with each other. a friend of mine had notated that in our office, our computers were facing away from each other — which he said seemed odd. i had obsessed about that one for sometime and brought that up to paul, when paul mentioned that it had been my idea to place our computers away from each other as i had wanted my space. which, of course, i had neglected to mention when i had spoken to said friend.

if i could spell out paul’s and i’s relationship, it would be under a lot of misunderstanding (on my part), misinterpretation and sometimes lack of an overall picture. paul wants to move forward and i want to stay here (where here is, is sometimes hard to distinguish). i used to think, when things got bad, that it was because of the boyfriend, and not something within me that had to change. but with paul, it’s different, how different i don’t know, it just is. i know that sometimes things seem to be more perfect when I’m with him and when I’m away from him i miss him like crazy. but in everyday situations, it always seems to be when i get antsy and it takes extreme events to make me realize that i love him.

which is bullshit, i should be thankful I’m with him everyday and not stirring up trouble to see his reaction.

but in all honesty, the only fault that i found with him is that sometimes his own lack of confidence in himself in the regards of us. it’s like, why torture me with the whole argument of “when you leave…” scenarios when you are just creating another wide open door for me to step through?

we wage this war on ourselves sometimes, and I’ve started working on being more calm within myself and not jumping the point when it came down to who was right or wrong in silly stupid arguments. but you know, as they say, pimpin’ ain’t easy.

x0x0x0x0x
lisa

ps: I’ve sent emails on starting a reading club on yahoo, and the response was pretty fucking overwhelming (honestly, I’m surprised that many people still WANT to read – considering the advent of the interweb and such). If you want to join us, you can find us on yahoo as the lisa chronicles book club. I’m on yahoo as modgirllisa, so shoot me an email, sign up, just have fun.
pps: what i had also forgot to mention, was a funny (to me) incident at the shrinks office. she had said to me “do you write?” when in speaking with in means about other methods of therapy, and i just gave her this level stare and she responded with something like “you don’t like to write?” and i said something like “it’s not that, i have been writing a journal on the internet since 1995 or so”. i think, in all my times with her, I’ve never spoken about things that made me happy, including writing. so with her permission, she’s on the TLC mailing list and with my permission, she can browse my archives. i love therapy 🙂

if i can move it with you

i’m a big dork.
big big dork.
i was bitching and moaning for about 2 weeks before I went to Mayumphis that I had lost my 1965 cd. Looked and looked everywhere and couldn’t find it. Went into my bedroom today to play some cd’s in my stereo. Guess what was in the cd player? And this AFTER i went and bought another copy! ARGH! well. Two copies of 1965 are always doable :).

Greg Dulli owns. What can i say?

———

The last few weeks have been emotional hell. Remember the time when I used to say that I lived for melodrama? I’m regretting that now. I am even finding myself to be participating in games i swore i wouldn’t play. It’s not about whose lying to who or whose doing what to who, it’s more like whose doing who and why. And other stuff. Peoples feelings are getting hurt left and right and the more I try to stay out of it, the more in the thick i have become in it. I find that anything I do say will tip too many people off to to many different situations that I’m in. I’ve been thinking left and right and it seems the only words that have been coming out of my mouth lately is “I won’t tell.” And it’s fucking pissing me off. ARGH!

And the irony is that it’s being told to me, the online diariest.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Sorry I find that really hilarious.

HAHAHA.

goddamn. I can’t wait for two things:
1. This week to be over.
2. To move in October.

———

Mad props go to the following people:
Shelly: She’s been ultra serious about getting her life rearranged and started a new diet. 12 pounds have been lost so far. Congrats Shell!

Jaffo: is one of the very few journals that I read. His comments are often more about slices of life according to him and often right on target about how he sees the world. He wrote an entry on “losers” and such and it was so in tune with how I felt (and mostly less bitchy, more articulate and he doesn’t ramble as much). HOWEVER, it seems to be missing from his website. I’m assuming that since NOW he’s received a lot of flack about it (so he told me) that it’s gone. Jaffo, you big skunk, put it back up there and fuck what other people say. How am I supposed to worship the ground you walk on if you act like a big dork?

———

Lets see, nothing else really going on at the moment. LWE is this week and I meet the crew from Userfriendly which proves to be exciting. I have a date with a Ufie (ya well, heh) and other fun stuff is occurring.

———

In case you haven’t heard, Halo 13 has been released by Trent and the gang. Starfuckers, Inc. rocks my socks!

x0x0x
moi